"You coded and programmed this entire thing in just two hours?" Tokugawa-san says as he stares at my computer screen. "I'm starting to see why your teacher couldn't recommend you enough for this internship."
I'm sitting in the office of one of the biggest video game companies in Japan, awaiting to see if I'd receive the opportunity of a lifetime thanks to my game design teacher's recommendation. It looks like things are going well for me. Since last week, I've gotten myself a boyfriend I'm in love with, got the bullies tormenting him off of his back, and now I might be able to get an incredible head start on my dream career.
"Thank you, sir," I bow respectfully.
"I can tell that you've been working really hard," Tokugawa nods as he pats my shoulder. "I think you would fit in here nicely. I'll put in a good word for you with the board of directors and then I'll call you back to see if you got the spot."
I'm ecstatic and I don't bother to hide it. "Thank you so much! That means so much to me!"
He points to a sheet on the desk and hands me a pen. "Just write down your e-mail address and phone number, I'll get back to you within a week or two at most."
I nod and I'm about write down my contact information when I stop, thinking about Shinya. I don't know what comes over me, but I just need to know about this before writing anything down, even if it meant blowing this huge opportunity.
"Um… Tokugawa-san," I say quietly. "I know this is a weird question but do you have anyone working in this building that is… um… gay?"
Tokugawa seems surprised by this query, and he should be. "Not that I know of," he replies honestly, scratching his cheek. "If there are, then they're probably in the closet." He puts his hands back in his lap. "What's this about?"
I hesitate before shaking my head. "Nothing…," I still don't write down my information.
"Tomoki… Are you gay?"
My silence is the only answer I give. I expect him to take the sheet away from me or tell me that I'm disgusting, or something to that extent. I've never been told any of those things before but when I chose to be with Shinya, all those thoughts came to me. I've been afraid of being treated with prejudice and being rejected for who I am. It's all because of the stories I hear about such things happening and it's just terrifying to me. So I wait like cornered prey.
But nothing poisonous is shot at me from the older man. He just stares at me. Not in contempt or irritation. He's simply waiting for me to do something first.
"You don't mind or think that it's wrong?" I ask cautiously.
Tokugawa-san just shrugs. "I mean, I don't really care but some other workers might so if you end up getting the job, you might want to keep it a secret to avoid conflict. But we've designed some games with queer characters before so I don't think there's anyone against it."
A huge sense of relief washes over me. "I'm sorry; you really didn't need to know."
Tokugawa smiles and chuckles. "No, I'm actually glad you told me. You're a pretty brave kid to inform me. My younger sister is actually a lesbian and I've seen what the prejudice and injustice can do to someone if they're constantly subjected to it. Some people are strong against it and they just don't care what other people will say about them…" His smile became sad. "My sister was not one of those people."
I feel really bad now. "I'm sorry…"
"Don't be, it's not your fault," Tokugawa-san sighs. "She made the decision for herself though the ones who pushed her over the edge are the ones most at fault." He then brings his attention back to me. "Just so you know though, I'm off limits."
I laugh a little. "Don't worry; I already have a boyfriend."
"That's good to hear," he smiles. "I hope things work out for you. Now then, back to business…"
"Right, my e-mail and number, I almost forgot."
-X-
"I'm home!" I call as I enter the apartment. I freeze upon seeing Shinya waiting for me.
"Welcome back!" Shinya grins widely.
I'm staring at him, which is probably what he wants from me. He's standing in front of the door wearing pointy wolf ears on his head, a fluffy lupine tail attached to his waist, a collar around his neck, and nothing else but a jockstrap. Am I forgetting to mention that he's in a rather erotic pose, lying on his side, head perched in his palm while the other hand fondles his junk outside the jockstrap?
He wants a reaction from me and even though he can't see because of my dress pants, he gets one out of me. But I don't plan on giving in to seduction.
"What are you doing?" I ask.
I can see that Shinya is disappointed by my lackluster reaction but it doesn't seem like he's about to give up as he crawls towards me like the canine he's dressed us, purposely bumping and rubbing against my legs. I don't budge from the spot as I take off my shoes but I make sure to angle myself so that he wouldn't feel the hard on in my pants.
"I was just waiting for you to come back home," he say flirtatiously. His arms wrap around me, hands on my side, and he's grinding his cock against my thigh as if he was like an actual dog in heat. "Is that wrong… Master?"
I twitch, the way he utters that last word sends chills down my spine and he feel my sudden movement. His sly grin gets wider when he feel it bump him a little.
"You're annoying," I mutter as I push him off. It doesn't really bother him since I'm blushing now and that seems to be the reaction he wanted all along.
"I knew it!" Shinya laughs triumphantly. "You are happy to see me!"
I pull out the frying pan that I keep near the doorway and he immediately clamps up. "Put some clothes on or I'm not making you dinner."
Shinya pouts but he does as I tell him and by the time he's fully clothed, the two of us are snuggled up on the couch, watching TV. Over the past week, we've gotten really comfortable with living with each other and it's been really easy to get stuff done. Especially since we have different class schedules, Shinya is out of the house when I'm cleaning and back to handle other chores that I'm too tired to handle. When we're back in the apartment at the same time, we spend it with each other.
But I think Shinya may have gotten too comfortable here as you just saw from his little domesticated wolf act. Sometimes, he walks around completely naked and according to him, he would do that all the time at his old apartment which doesn't surprise me. There were a few times where he would just put on a fundoshi and that would actually turn me on more than when he's naked for some reason.
"How come you won't have sex with me again?" Shinya groans suddenly.
"So that's what that was about," I roll my eyes. "How are you always horny?"
"I don't know," he shrugs. "Maybe it's because you make me that way?"
"Liar, you've been this way even before we were lovers."
"Actually, I was sort of a whore because I couldn't have you. So in a way, it's your fault that I ended up this way."
"What? Like a walking homosexual stereotype, unable to tell the difference between sex and love?"
Shinya laughs and then kisses me softly. "Also thanks to you, I don't have a problem telling that difference though I'm not sure if I was ever confused about it before. I really do love you, Tomoki."
"I know, you remind me every day," I reply. "Sometimes twice a day… Not that I mind though."
"Good, you shouldn't," Shinya grins playfully. "Now, answer my original question."
I sit up and he does the same, knowing that I'm about to get serious. "I guess… I just don't want to do it so much that we'll end up with those stereotypes," I admit. "I mean, I love you and I really do enjoy sex but to do it any time you feel like it, doesn't it feel wrong in some way? If we really do love each other, then we should be satisfied with just being with each other."
Shinya seems to understand what I'm saying and he seems to accept it as evident by how he gives me a one-armed hug. "It's already too late for me to get out of that stereotype but I get it," he says. "But I think you're only seeing sex as a lustful thing when it's not. That's how porn, doujinshis, and some smutty fanfictions have made it look like but the truth is, when it comes to two people who love each other, sex is so much more."
I knew exactly what he's saying because I actually gave him this speech before after he revealed to me about his many clients in his former slut business. "It's the physical representation of the connection between those two people who don't care what the world says about them. They only care about each other during that storm of emotions and craziness."
"A beautiful thing for a virgin to say," Shinya chuckle.
"Shut up," I laugh. "I didn't have any right to say that back then. But I really do believe it."
Shinya smiles again and he pushes me back down to the couch to kiss me some more but nothing more than that. "I believe it too…," he whispers to me. "And that's sort of why I think that 'not wanting to fall under stereotypes' is a lame excuse."
"If I loved you, I shouldn't care what the world says when we have sex," I smile, having some idea of where he's going. "I should block out the ones who tell me it's gross or that it's a sin or whatever."
"Not block out, but accept that those words are just those belonging to ugly souls trying to justify their beliefs," Shinya corrects. "They can't hurt you if you don't let them and blocking them out doesn't work. You can only accept them for the ugly things that they are."
"I guess so," I laugh. I notice that he's expecting something from me. "I'm still not going to have sex with you."
"Why not?" he practically whines. "We haven't done it since Monday!"
"I still don't feel like doing it too much," I tell him as I sit back up. "By the way, you were romantic up until that moment where you were staring at me with hungry eyes. Next time, try to end things on a more positive and romantic note."
"I told you, I'm bad with romance."
"And I told you that you aren't."
Shinya opens his mouth to respond when the doorbell rings. Both of us glance at each other but it was clear that neither of us were expecting any visitors. So I get up and walk over to the door, opening it up and nearly having a heart attack on the spot. Standing in front of me is my father and behind him is his first son, my older brother, Yutaka.
"Dad!" I call out in surprise.
Shinya immediately sits up straight and I can tell that his mind was racing. He had gotten rid of most of his porn magazines and all of his sex toys, claiming that he didn't need them anymore, a couple of days ago so he didn't have to worry about my family finding those things at least. But he's obviously still worried and he has a right to be.
"Hello Tomoki, I apologize for dropping by unannounced," father tells me as he lets himself in, Yutaka following.
"Um… Well, I'm just curious as to why you decided to visit today," I say awkwardly as I close the door. "If it's about the internship, I just got back from the interview so I don't know if I got the job yet."
My brother and father both pause when they see Shinya on the couch, trying his best to look as casual as possible. I notice Yutaka's face twist into that of disdain and disgust but my father's expression is completely unreadable, no surprise there. He used to be a jolly and fun-loving man but when I turned out to be a kid he couldn't spoil anymore and best friends with an open homosexual, he changed into a completely different man.
"Yutaka told me about how you're living with Shinya Kanbara," father says thought he's not even looking at me. His eyes are fixated on Shinya who looks like he's trying to shrink into the corner of the couch. "So, why are the two of you living together?"
It takes a moment for Shinya to realize that the question's for him and not me. "Eh? Well, it was getting pretty difficult for me to pay rent and I'm here a lot anyway so we decided that it would just be easier to live together. Trust me, there is nothing more than that going on here."
My father nods as if he accepts this answer. "Where do you sleep?"
Shinya shrugs, the lies coming naturally to him. "The couch, sometimes a futon that I roll out but I don't really mind sleeping anywhere, really."
"You're lying," my father shoots towards him calmly. I tense up as he turns to me. "Tomoki, tell me the truth."
This afternoon, I hadn't lied to Tokugawa-san and I didn't try to deny it. I let it be and it turned out fine. My gut was telling me that things won't be fine if I'm honest with my father but I just know that I couldn't lie to him. Even if he shouts at me, tries to separate me from Shinya, or disown me, I don't think I can ever hate him.
"Dad…," I start, holding my head up high. I could see Shinya watching me with wide eyes and I flash him a ghost of a smile that I know he caught. "Shinya is my boyfriend, I am his lover." I could see that Yutaka's surprised and he shoots a revolted and scornful look at my significant other but my father's as expressionless as ever. "But he didn't do anything to me. I think, I've always been gay or bisexual, but I never really acknowledged it until Shinya…"
My father sighs and he suddenly looks several decades older as he pinches the bridge of his nose. His expression visibly softens as he looks between me and Shinya. "Tomoki… I have one other question that I would like for you to answer honestly. Are you happy?"
This is a surprise. "Y-Yes! Actually… Being with Shinya… I don't think I've ever been happier."
Yutaka's no longer revolted but downright shocked that those words had just come out of my mouth. "What the hell are you saying?!"
Father puts a hand on my older brother's shoulder. "Yutaka, that's enough."
"Wait…," says Shinya. He's more confused than anyone else though I see that he's really happy because I said I was happy being with him. "You looked like I killed your dog when you found out that I'm gay but you don't seem to be taking it so bad with Tomoki. I thought you were going to start blaming me or shout at me or even try to separate us."
I had thought the same thing.
"When Yutaka told me that you two were living together, I had my suspicions that you two were lovers," my father confesses. "But then I started thinking about it, night after night. I realized that if my son is happy, then I can't really pull him away from you."
"I don't believe this!" Yutaka snaps in exasperation.
Neither could I, but not in the same way.
"What made you have this change of heart?" I ask.
My father looks to Shinya. "His older brother actually came to visit me yesterday."
"Takuya did?" Shinya and I both say.
"He confirmed my suspicions about you two by telling me the whole truth," father breathes. "The entire time, he was sitting on his knees on the hardwood floor, bowing his head down as he spoke. He kept asking me to allow your relationship to continue because it made the two of you so happy. He told me about how he had went to visit you and he saw this visible, positive change in both of you. And now that I'm standing here, I can see what he was talking about."
I've never felt more grateful for Takuya in my life and I could tell that the feeling was reciprocated in Shinya. Okay, so the time he and Kouji took down Cherubimon comes a close second. As for Yutaka, he looks like he's about to have a heart attack this time.
"I'm going out to get some fresh air," Yutaka huffs as he stomps out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him.
I know that I'm going to need some more heart to heart with my father but I think I need to talk to my brother first. I can see that Shinya and my father are both still really uncomfortable and awkward with each other, so my excuse was going to be used to help them as well.
"I'm going to talk to Yutaka," I say. "Do you think you two can try to talk to each other and get to know each other past your original impressions? Because I can still see that you, dad, think Shinya is living an 'incorrect lifestyle' and you need to get used to him. And Shinya, you need to know my father past bigot, homophobe, and 'evil tyrant'."
As I leave, I hear them both say something to each other simultaneously.
"You called me an ' evil tyrant'?"
"There's nothing 'incorrect'…"
I close the door behind me and see Yutaka at the railing, staring down to the sidewalk with his head in his hands. I step up next to him and begin contemplating my next move. I never imagined how this conversation would go with my brother but I know that it's going to happen. I just figured it would be separate from the one I would have with my father.
"I can't believe this…," Yutaka states finally.
"Why?" I ask. "Do you think it's uncommon? Some people speculate that a fifth of the world's population is gay. Is it wrong for me to fall within that twenty percent?"
"I just… I just don't understand how you turned out this way," Yutaka admits to me. "You grew up in perfectly normal conditions didn't you? You loved video games, super hero comics, all normal guy things. So what the hell happened?"
"First of all, thank you for not saying that something went wrong," I half-chuckle. "Second, not all gay men have to act like the opposite gender. Honestly, it's always been confusing to me why gay men are sometimes attracted to men who act more feminine and why lesbians are attracted to women who act more masculine. I feel normal. I don't feel different. I just never realized because I grew up with heterosexual couples all around me. It's hard to acknowledge the truth about yourself when all you know is what you see."
Yutaka laughs a little this time. "I'm sorry…"
"For what?"
He rubs his face. "For making you feel unsafe around me. I mean, why else would you not tell me the truth when I last visited you?"
"I was just afraid of how you would react," I tell him. "So far, you're taking it better than I thought you'd be. I was expecting you to be spewing vulgarities at Shinya's face."
Yutaka looks at me, really looks at me, as if searching for something. "Well… I know that I've only been out here alone for about five to ten seconds but a revelation came to me. That time when Shinya called you and you ran off, it was because something bad happened to him, right?"
Is he psychic? "Yeah," I nod. "Some guys beat him up for a stupid reason."
"Look, the reason why I freak out about homosexuals is exactly what you said. I see everyone else in on it and I follow the lead," he mutters. "But when I think about how you could become a target of that hate, I feel the need to side with you. Fuck what the world says about you."
"Funny, I was just talking about something similar with Shinya," I chuckle.
We laugh for a bit and when we calm down, Yutaka thinks about his next words very carefully. "I'm guessing there really isn't a way to change your mind right? It's not like a switch that you can flip, whenever you want, right?"
I nod. "Yeah, it's pretty much how it works when you're attracted to women. It's the same feeling and the same hormones and the same dirty thoughts."
"How would you know?" he inquire.
I shrug. "I actually think I'm bisexual but it's easier to say that I'm gay even if it's only half the truth."
"But you're still lying about your sexuality."
Yutaka and I spend the next ten minutes talking about random stuff like we always do. We later join the two people inside the apartment and we all talk; the four of us. Things still feel kind of forced and awkward but that's to be expected. No one can change in a matter of seconds but it turns out that a former truth has become a lie. This moment right now is actually the happiest I've ever been.
After my father and Yutaka leave for home, I turn to Shinya, grab him by the hem of his shirt and drag him all the way back to our room. I push him onto our bed and jump on top of him, attacking his lips with my own viciously.
I think you all know where this is headed.
"Your family should drop by more often," Shinya smirks when he gets my pants off.
"Trust me… You don't want that," I laugh.
We kiss again and then feel our bond become something physical for the third time. It's a little hard to believe but I really have fallen in love with Shinya Kanbara.
