The next morning, just as Remus was about to walk to their usual seats, Sirius grabbed his arm and tugged him in the opposite direction, with an expression so determined that even Remus, well used to handling his friends' fits and long past being even remotely scared of their scowls, did not say anything.
He saw the look on James' face and felt guilt tug at him but he knew that there was no getting out of the tight grip with which Sirius was leading him towards the other end of the table.
Remus knew that he probably should have at least put up a fight, but with one raised eyebrow from Padfoot he was sitting down next to him like the good boy that he was deep down.
"Very immature." Remus mumbled under his breath, more or less aware that it was not going to change anything at this point.
"Go on then. Leave." Sirius responded with a mischievous smirk. "If you'd rather sit with him and Lily."
Remus decided that telling Padfoot about the whole 'best mates' business was most definitely the biggest mistake thus far.
Sirius now knew that his company was pleasant to Remus and was using it as leverage.
"Maybe I will." Remus bluffed to bring Sirius' cockiness down a notch.
"Nah. You won't." Sirius grinned and stuffed a piece of toast into his mouth, somehow managing to look smug even with crumbs falling all over his chin
"You're going to have to forgive him sooner or later anyway. Can't it be sooner?" Remus grunted his discontent.
He still couldn't quite comprehend why Sirius was this angry in the first place.
"No. I'm not forgiving him and neither are you." Sirius argued.
"Sirius, I'm not even mad at him." Remus groaned exasperated.
"You should be." Sirius gave him an annoyed look. "If you're not then that just means I'm going to be twice as mad. Ya know, do your share too."
"You know that you're stubborn as hell? It's scary sometimes." Remus complained massaging the bridge of his nose.
"I know. I also know that you wouldn't have me any other way." Sirius replied smiling as brightly as was humanly possible, but Remus though he saw something flash through his eyes.
It was as if behind the front Sirius was putting up there was something asking for reassurance.
Remus couldn't tell for the life of him why but somehow it seemed to him that Sirius was asking him to confirm that it was exactly so.
"Guess not." He muttered giving into it and Sirius' smile melted into something far more genuine and warm.
"I knew it." Sirius stuck his nose up in the air haughtily.
And Remus tamed the sarcastic 'sure you did' trying to escape his throat.
Instead he just shook his head slightly and let himself feel good that Sirius seemed strangely happy there with just him by his side.
"Remus, look, I'm sorry." James caught him and dragged him to an empty corridor after classes.
Everyone seemed to be dragging Remus around today.
He blinked a couple of times staring into Potter's eyes that were gazing back with all the intensity in the world from behind the glasses.
"I'm not mad." Remus replied shaking his elbow gently out of James' grip.
"But-" James threw his hands up dramatically.
"I'm just… look Sirius… and I just… It's not that…" Remus stumbled over words trying to explain to his friend why he had spent the whole day in the furthest corner from James of whatever classroom they had been in.
James furrowed his eyebrows at that.
"Meaning you're avoiding me because Sirius told you to."
Remus tilted his head to the side thinking about it.
"You make me sound like a pushover." He muttered unhappily.
"Well, that's exactly what I don't get… I know you stand your ground, I mean you didn't help us with pranking Snivellus up until the bastard hexed you, because you were always all 'oh, but I don't think he's that bad', you're not the type to rely on someone else's judgement. So if you're not mad at me, then what's going on?" James murmured in a rush stuffing his hands in his pockets, looking mighty uncomfortable.
Remus felt confusion swell up in his chest.
The reality of it was that whatever the reason it felt better being with Sirius right now than being with James.
He rationalized it to himself that he was not mad, because James had done nothing terrible hence it was fine, it was just that one night and it was fine and that obviously Lily was very important to him, so it was fine.
He thought that because Sirius was so determined to keep him away from James and because there was that look in Sirius' eyes that told Remus that he would be hurt if Remus walked away… that was the reason Remus avoided James, right?
But-
"Of course he's mad, idiot." A voice came from behind them, so they turned and there stood Sirius with his eyes cold and angry, glaring at James, one hand in his pocket, muscles tense.
"I-" Remus started.
"Stay out of this." James said at the same time.
"How about no?" Sirius replied icily. "Come on, Moony, let's go."
"No, he needs to fend for himself. Let him speak." James protested and Remus pressed his lips tightly shut.
"You're not an expert on what he needs, yeah? Besides, I told you already that he is mad. That's all you need to know." Sirius huffed and turned his body to start walking, motioning with his head for Remus to follow.
"Moony, you're not letting him boss you around, are you?" James challenged and as Remus looked at him all he could feel was indifference bordering the edge of resentment.
Strangely what kept running through his head was the same though over and over again.
He was there. He was there. He was there. He was there. He was there. He was there.
With each breath it spun in his head like a mantra.
The image of Sirius' frame leaning over him in the morning, the concern shining in his eyes, the hand extended to Remus.
He was there. You were not.
As Remus moved to follow Sirius, he thought that he should mumble a 'sorry'.
He did not.
He followed Sirius' back blindly, not saying anything lost in his own thoughts and before he knew it they were behind the Herbology greenhouses and Sirius was tugging out a pack of cigarettes from his back pocket.
Moony eyed it for a moment.
"Those are mine!" He exclaimed surprised and then snapped his mouth shut, realizing he was being too loud.
"I know, right? I was also shocked! Ha! A pack of smokes under Moony's bed. Imagine that." Sirius replied with a smirk and sent a playful wink in Remus' direction.
Remus tried to gather his thoughts, the first thing that came to mind was to deny it.
"That's…ugh… not mine…cousin… ya know…. And…Wait." He stopped himself and narrowed his eyes. "You went through my stuff."
"Yup." Sirius nodded easily.
Remus opened his mouth and closed it. Then opened it again.
"At least try to look ashamed about it!"
"Oh, Moons, not like you haven't gone through my stuff before." Sirius rolled his eyes.
"Actually no, I haven't." Moony squeezed out realizing suddenly that this was clearly not the first time.
"Oh. I thought it was our thing, you know James rummages around through my things, I go through yours, you go through ours, no one touches Peter's 'cause it stinks…" Sirius replied nonchalantly.
"What? No!" Remus said appalled.
"Oh, well never mind then." Sirius looked away clearly trying not to laugh.
And Remus let it go for the moment, shaking his head and watching Sirius take out a cigarette and light it.
He then hesitantly took the pack held out to him and did the same.
"I quit, you know." Remus mumbled taking in a breath of smoke.
"Yeah, I see that." Sirius teased. "Oh, don't glare, it's one cigarette a month, there are worse things."
Remus bit his lower lip and nodded his head after a while.
They stood there smoking in silence, Sirius casually leaning against the glass wall, Remus fidgeting with one hand in his pocket.
"You know…" Remus started not knowing why he was saying this at all. "I… I think I am mad at him after all."
He looked down, feeling strangely embarrassed about the admission and just knew that Sirius was looking at him. He was grateful that his hair grew out over the summer and now could be used to hide his face when needed, for example in situations like this.
"I know." Sirius muttered, voice quiet and soft.
The sound of it made Remus glance up.
"Merlin," Sirius chuckled, "Why do you look so guilty?"
Remus turned away quickly.
They stood in silence for a bit more.
"It's okay to get mad sometimes." Sirius whispered lowly.
"I do get mad. You should know, I've argued with you more in the past month than I've ever argued with anyone in my life." Remus admitted looking at Sirius, trying to at least pretend to be apologetic.
"I am actually honored, but that's different." Sirius shook his head, black hair falling into his eyes.
"How?" Remus asked frowning.
"You always get mad when someone's being not fair to others, you never get mad when someone is unfair to you, Moons."
The words rang between them and Remus stood there mesmerized watching Sirius take the last drag of his cigarette then throw it to the ground and step on it.
When Sirius raised his eyes and Remus was hit with the warmth of his gaze, Remus froze still. Not even breathing. Not understanding why his heart was climbing out his throat.
"And maybe we, I mean James, Peter and I, are too used to it. Being forgiven for everything just like that." Sirius snapped his fingers. "Because it's comfortable. I mean, you even managed to brush the…Snape incident off." He continued looking hesitant. "Doesn't mean that you should. It's not right."
Remus forced himself to take in a gulp of air and to give himself some time to conjure up a response dropped the cigarette to the ground, pretending to be preoccupied with stomping it out.
"Because, Moony, you're as valuable and important as anyone else. And your feelings should be important too." Sirius hummed. "I think I'm a bit late with this. But still. Just need you to know it's something that I would fight James over again and again if needed, yeah?"
Remus heard Sirius sigh and shuffle, and waited patiently, knowing there was something more he wanted to say.
"And I…. To me you're not as important, you're more important than other people. That's why I'm so angry with James. He can't even muster up a proper apology. He should be groveling, ya know. I want you to be angry with him, because I'm angry. Because I care about you." Sirius' voice lowered and turned strangely husky. "A lot. And I want you to care about yourself too."
Remus tried to swallow the lump preventing him from speaking and looked up.
They looked at each other and Remus swore the air between them was vibrating with something. Some type of energy. A pull of some kind.
He tried to turn away, but his eyes wouldn't listen.
He tried not to notice it. Not to notice Sirius. Not to notice the wiry body that was all angles and strength, not to notice the alluring curve of his mouth, not to notice the care that made his eyes light up.
But it was useless.
All it took was that moment and the way he saw Sirius changed.
There was a certain finality about the change as if it whatever was shifting between them, would never go back after this.
Remus stared, choked up and breathless and every single time he saw care in Sirius' eyes all merged into one, flashing through his mind. Every careful touch, every glance, all took on a new meaning.
And the mantra from earlier returned.
He is here. He is here. He is here.
But this time it was more of a reminder than a comparison.
Acutely aware that they were standing a whole of a half a meter away from each other, and that there was no one around them, Remus tried to hang on to his sanity and block the realization from coming to him.
But it was too late and no matter what precisely brought this on, Remus knew. Something bubbling up from the darkest part of his subconscious, establishing itself in his mind. It had been slowly climbing up since yesterday, after Remus had noticed how…curiously pretty Sirius' smile was.
"Thank you." He forced out, still staring at the stormy grey eyes, trying to not think of them as beautiful.
"What for?" Sirius breathed out shakily making Remus think that maybe, just maybe, he was finding just as much in this moment as Remus was.
"All of it."
And his feet were not listening. They were slowly shifting closer to Sirius.
And he saw something flash in Sirius' eyes and heard his breathing hitch before stopping completely.
What is he doing? What is he doing? What?
And Remus didn't know why his eyes fell to the guy's lips, or why they seemed so appealing to him at that moment.
He looked back up to see Sirius staring at his mouth too.
There was a strand of hair brushing Sirius' cheek and Remus' hand reached out on its own to slip it between his fingers.
He looked at the sight of soft black hair passing slowly in between them and tried to stop himself from doing whatever he was doing. But couldn't.
Something about Sirius leaning in ever so slightly, looking just as lost as he felt, made him not want to stop.
They stared and stared one sharp breath of air changing another.
And Remus swore that he had never felt as strong a need to get closer to anyone.
He searched Sirius' face for some kind of permission, even though he was yet to understand what for and started moving closer almost instinctively, when some kind of mutual agreement passed between them wordlessly, just through their eyes.
Sirius gaze dropped down again and it was just about the most tempting expression Remus had ever seen.
And then loud girly giggling interrupted them. It was followed by a low murmur of a male baritone. Apparently they were not the only ones out there.
Remus snapped out of the spell Sirius had him under and suddenly realized exactly what he was about to do.
His heart, which he, previously too caught up in Padfoot, didn't notice was hammering wildly, now dropped in his chest.
He was about to kiss Sirius. He was about to kiss Sirius Black. He was about to kiss his male best friend.
Completely mortified, Remus jumped a few steps back.
"Sorry." He squeezed out quickly avoiding Sirius' eyes.
Surely Sirius must've realized what Remus almost did. He should've stopped him. What was he thinking?
What was Remus thinking?
But maybe Remus wasn't thinking, just admiring Sirius' eyes and lips and … oh Jesus. Remus groaned out loud.
"Sorry." Remus apologized again feeling his face burn. "God, I'm sorry, I just…"
He just what? He needed an excuse. Whatever would do.
But as fate would have it that was the moment Remus' brain decided to abandon the ship after serving so faithfully for seventeen years.
Sirius cleared his throat, and when Remus chanced a look at him, he saw that Padfoot was also looking away and that there was a bit of red dusting his cheeks.
"Sirius, I didn't mean to, I was just…"
Caught up in the moment? Remus planned on saying that, but as his brain regained some of its functions, he understood that it was a lie.
It wasn't a moment type of thing. Even now, completely petrified and confused, Remus still felt the pull.
So insistent that something told Remus it was not going away soon.
"Shit." Remus finished, staring at the ground.
"That-" Sirius started to say, his voice terribly uneven.
Then their attention was drawn to a couple of sixth years in Ravenclaw ties, that came from around the corner laughing quietly.
It was a boy and a girl and they were probably the same ones that they'd heard earlier.
They glanced between Remus and Sirius falling silent.
"Oh, sorry-" The girl started saying, but Remus, regaining the remainder of his wits waived his hand in the air in dismissal.
"No worries." He replied and the girl's eyes filled with understanding.
Remus remembered that he was still clutching the pack of cigarettes.
He quickly stuffed it into his pocket.
"We saw nothing." The Ravenclaw bloke said.
"Yeah, we didn't either." Remus replied, glad that what the couple 'didn't see' was just the smokes.
Remus glanced at Sirius, but the guy was looking straight ahead with an unreadable expression, all traces of emotion gone.
Almost as if on silent command they both nodded at the Ravenclaws and started walking back to the castle.
They didn't say anything all the way back to the dorms.
As Remus walked behind Sirius, his eyes kept tracing the shoulder line and the black locks.
He wondered what Sirius was about to say before they were interrupted.
Surely it couldn't have been anything good.
Regulus stood in the hallway, waiting for Peter to come out of the library.
When Peter saw him the guy's face fell and his expression turned into one of alarm.
"We need to talk." Regulus muttered and started walking, not needing to look back to know that Peter followed.
A/N: Hello lovely people! It's 3:40 in the morning and I went out tonight, meaning that I'm still slightly tipsy, but nothing is going to stop me from posting (I wanted to do so before I went out, but there was no time), so can we just stop and take in how strong my love for fanfiction is?
Thank you to people who left reviews on the last chapter, I appreciate it. A whole lot.
TechNomaNcer28: Heya, thanks so so so much for sticking around. And I know that you asked for them to kiss... But I'm a tease. I know. I know. I'm sorry. Soon. I promise.
Alice Tayluh: I will try to make the fhapters longer in the future. Unfortunately I couldn't do that with this one, but I'll try with the others. I definitely listen to what you have to say. Thanks for the review and support.
Guest... Whoever you may be ;) : Here ya go, a chapter from Remus' perspective.
For all the others who read and support the story- I am definitely incredibly thankful. Your reviews/favs/follows make my day and keep me checking my email constantly. Thank you! You may not think it means all that much, but fanfics (and writing in general) are my escape and every bit of support makes me feel so good that you can't even imagine.
-Heaven And Above
