Chapter Nine: Billy's Broken Heart

It has been almost three months since I have seen Jane. She won't take my calls and refuses to answer my texts. I decided about a month ago to stop trying. Now I spend most of my days drowning my sorrows in whiskey and spending time with Zoe. I never realized it before, but Jane is like the glue that holds me together and without her my life means nothing to me anymore. I hear a knock at my front door, it's around eleven so I climb out of bed and answer it. To my surprise it's the mailman with a package for me. I stand there gaping at it like an idiot because it's from Jane. "Um…you'll need to sign here please," the man says snapping me out of my daze.

"Sorry," I reply as I sign the form. I close the door behind me and head back into my room. After all this time she decides to send me something instead of calling me. What kind of lame crap is that? I think to myself a little irritated as I open the package. Inside is an awesome shirt that only Jane would know to buy me. God it's so irritating how well she knows me. I think as I notice an envelope resting on the bottom of the box. I hesitate before opening it, nervous at the thought of what it might say after all this time. All I know is that it better be good after what she put me through. I think while I rip it open and begin to read.

After I finish reading my emotions are so mixed up I don't know which way is up. I'm pissed because I know she's not telling me the truth about why she left and yet my heart is soaring to know that she's always thinking about me. Anger steamrolls it's way over my heart, I take everything and throw it in my trash. I gotta get out of here. With that thought I text Zoe.

To: Zoe

Hey, what are you doing?

To: Billy

Just hanging around my house waiting for my parents to take off.

Why what's up?

To: Zoe

Nothing just want to spend some time with you.

Maybe drink a few whiskeys.

Are you up for that?

To: Billy

Most defiantly!

I was actually thinking about having a party tonight since my parents will be gone all weekend.

To: Zoe

Sweet, when will they be leaving?

To: Billy

Any minute.

So you can head on over now and they'll be gone by the time you get here.

I end the conversation and shut my phone. I grab some clothes and throw them on, with one more look at my trash I grab the keys to my motorcycle and head to Zoe's. About ten minutes later I arrive at her house and her parents are nowhere to be found. She meets me on her porch wraps her arms around me and leans up to kiss me. I kiss her back only out of habit. I realized when Jane left that the only reason I'm with Zoe is because I can't have Jane. The only reason I'm still with her is she helps with the emptiness that I feel.

We make our way into her house and I head straight for her parents bar. I make myself a glass of whiskey and ask her, "Do you want anything?"

"Sure I'll have whatever you're having," she answers from the couch.

I pour her a glass and walk over to her handing her the drink. "So when does the party start," I ask taking a seat next to her.

"People should be arriving any second," as she finishes her sentence the doorbell rings.

The party is in full swing by three o'clock. There is close to fifty people drinking, dancing and swimming in her backyard. I'm sitting under her canopy finishing off my fifth drink as I watch her play hostess. I notice her paying more attention to one group of guys than anyone else. She keeps touching and flirting with one guy that I've never seen before. To my surprise it doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would. I continue drinking and sulking well into the evening. All my thoughts are about Jane no matter how hard I try to push her out of my mind.

Eventually the party starts to die down and Zoe decides to grace me with her presence. I can tell she's pretty wasted when she starts hanging all over me and kissing me sloppily. She whispers in my ear with a slur, "Let's go up to my room." She takes my hand and leads me up the stairs clumsily. We make it into her room and she shoves me down on the bed jumping on top of me. She kisses me hungrily letting me know what she wants by grinding her body on mine. All the while I'm still thinking about Jane and the letter she sent me.

I push Zoe off of me and say, "I can't do this."

She sits up and looks at me with disappointment on her face. "What do you mean you can't do this? You've never had any problems before. What is with you today? You've been sulking a lot more that usual," she says with frustration in her voice.

"I got a package in the mail today…from Jane," I answer truthfully.

I can tell that really pisses her of as she starts yelling, "Well that's just freaking great! Why can't she just leave and stay gone?! I thought we finally got rid of her! Things just started going good for us and she pulls this crap! God, she's such a little bitch!"

The more Zoe rants the angrier I get; when she finishes my hands are clinched into fists. "Don't you ever talk about her like that again. Do you understand me," I tell her in a whisper.

"Whatever Billy, I thought you were over this whole Jane thing," she snaps back at me.

"You don't seem to get it; I'll never be fully over her. If you can't deal with that then maybe you should find someone else to be with. Maybe that looser you couldn't drag yourself away from at the party," I snarl back at her.

I can tell that my words wound her. "You really think that I would choose him over you? After everything that I've put up with between you and Jane," she asks me.

"I really don't know. Look I gotta go, I'll call you later once I get my head straight," I answer as I leave her sitting on her bed.

I get on my bike and drive around for about an hour just thinking. This is ridiculous, why do I always let Jane get the better of me. I mean I know I'm still in love with her even after everything that's happened, but I have to find a way to move on. I'm pretty sure that it's impossible to get over someone who you love so completely like I do. I just wish I had someone to turn to for advice about this. I finally give up on trying to figure things out when I realize that I'm heading to Jane's house without even thinking about it.

I keep on driving knowing that as much as I wish it, she won't be there. I decide that I should go home and get some sleep. I park in my driveway and make my way into my house. I walk past my brother, who for whatever reason is asleep on the couch and head into my room closing the door behind me. I look into my trash at the things Jane sent me and quickly take them back out. I sit on my bed and put the shirt down next to me as I reread that letter.

I just don't understand, she says that she's always thinking about me and yet she leaves me. It can't be just because of Gray. I know it has something to do with me and that day at the falls. I know she felt something, but what? Maybe she's in love with me too and that scared her so much that she had to leave. Yeah right, she only sees me as her best friend. That's just wishful thinking. One way or another I have to find out the real reason she left, even if it kills me. With that last thought I put the letter in my nightstand and take a better look at the shirt. As I pick it up a hint of her perfume hits my nose. I pull it close to my face and inhale deeply and her smell makes me lose it. I let silent tears roll down my face as I think about how much I miss her. The tears keep flowing as I fall asleep and dream of her like I've done every night for as long as I can remember.

Over the next few days I'm in an irritable funk. "Hey bro, you need to wake up," I hear Tommy's voice rousing me from my dreams.

"What do you want man," I grumble.

"You need to get up and clean up the house for me," he answers.

I turn over and glare at him coldly. "What do you mean I need to clean the house? Do I have maid written on my forehead? What's the matter with you, are your arms broken? Do it yourself," I say angrily.

"Dude, what the hell is your problem? It's freaking six o'clock at night; you've been sleeping all day. You need to get your ass up and clean the house. I have a chick coming over later and I don't want her thinking I'm a slob," he retorts.

I finally sit up and tell him, "I don't give a shit if you have a playboy bunny coming over I'm not cleaning up after you. You're a grown ass man, do it yourself!"

He grabs me by my arm and attempts to pull me out of bed. All I see is red and I swing at him knocking him out cold. I get out of bed and put some clothes on. I head into the kitchen grab my keys and a bottle of whiskey as I make my way out the door. I mount my bike and drive off to the park where I spent most of my time as a child with Jane. I down the half a bottle of whiskey as I wallow in my misery, when the alcohol finally kicks in I decide that I probably shouldn't go home tonight. I really don't feel like seeing Zoe either. So that leaves me with only one more option and that would be crashing at Jane's.

It's pretty late when I arrive and thankfully all the lights are off. I make my way around to Jane's window and climb in like I've done so many times before. I close the window and turn towards her bed expecting it to be empty. I freeze in my tracks noticing that it's not. I take a step back towards the window thinking that Ben and Rita have a house guest. The person in the bed rolls over and the moonlight hits her face revealing that it's Jane. At first I think I'm imagining things, but then she whispers in her sleep, "Billy." She smiles as she dreams and I almost crumble to my knees.

I sit in the chair next to her bed and watch her as I think to myself. She's dreaming about me. I wonder what she's dreaming about. My happy thoughts are short-lived as anger creeps over me. Why didn't anyone tell me she was coming home? Didn't anyone think that I might like to see her while she's here? Maybe she didn't want me to know she's was coming into town. I'm angry with her and yet I can't stop myself from climbing into bed with her.

As soon as I'm lying next to her she shoots up and whispers my name as if she thinks she's still dreaming. My name on her lips makes my heart melt, but I'm not going to make this easy on her. "Jane," I reply coldly. I think she's a little shocked and she wants to know why I'm here. "I didn't think you would be here," I answer truthfully. She begins to apologize, but I cut her off knowing that she would break down my icy resolve. She doesn't now what to say since I'm being so cold to her. She finally decides to ask about the package. Anger bubbles up inside me, I don't know if it's the whiskey or that she left me. Hurtful words spew from my mouth before I can stop them.

She tries to apologize once more and it breaks me. I find myself confessing, "Jesus, Jane I was in love with you." I continue ranting about how I feel and I make sure to use past-tense so she won't figure out that I still love her. I get up to leave knowing that my words are making her cry, but she grabs my arm and says, "Billy, please."

Her touch electrifies my whole body and it shocks me to the core. I push her down on the bed and devour her lips. I can't help myself from running a trail down her neck and back to her mouth once more. God, I love her so much. I need her, I want her. No, what the hell am I doing. Angry with myself I pull away from her and find myself yelling, "The time for talking is over! You ignored me for too long! I'm over this!" Those words are the biggest lie I've ever told.

As I turn to leave in barges Ben, Rita and that Jeremy guy. My heart sinks when I see him as I think to myself. I just made a complete fool of myself. She's here with him. I knew she would choose him over me. He yells something at me, but I don't hear him. I just look over at Jane's tear stained face and broken-hearted I say, "This is who you settle for, I should have known."

I go back to my house not caring about what my brother will say or do. All I want to do is crawl in my bed and die. My heart hurts so much I can barely walk into my house. Tommy must hear me come in because he meets me at my bedroom door. He looks pretty pissed off and his eye is almost swollen shut. "You have a lot of balls coming back here after sucker punching me in the face," he snarls at me.

"Look I'm sorry about that, but I have a lot of shit going on with me right now and I really don't feel like doing this," I reply in a daze. My mind is still back in Jane's room along with my heart.

Tommy looks at me with confusion on his face. He opens his mouth to say something, but decides against it. He turns and leaves me to wade in my sadness. I don't even want to think about tonight anymore so I lie in my bed and drift off to sleep. Unfortunately the events of the evening are all I dream about.

A few days later I drive by Jane's house to apologize for all the mean things I said to her. I walk up on her porch and knock on the front door. It opens and Ben greats me sternly, "Billy."

I rub the back of my head with my hand nervously, unsure what to say. "Hey Ben, how's it going," is the only thing I can manage.

"Oh things are just peachy around here except for the face that Jane left early because of your outburst," he replies smugly.

"Yeah…about that, look Ben I'm sorry for acting like a fool. I must admit what I did was uncalled for, but the way I feel about your sister is driving me crazy. I guess the saying love makes you do crazy things is true," I tell him embarrassed of my behavior.

"It's fine Billy, but I think you should come in we need to have a talk," he says as he steps aside to let me in.

I take a seat on the couch and rub my sweaty palms on my legs. "So she really left early because of me," I ask.

"That doesn't matter right now. I want to talk to you about what happened between you two the other night," he answers.

"Okay…what about it," I ask nervously wondering what Jane told him.

"Well first off…what were you thinking coming here and yelling at her like some kind of nut? Secondly, she told me everything you said to her and to me it seemed pretty harsh. I mean even after everything that has happened between you and her do you really think she deserved the things you said? Did you think that yelling at her and venting like you did would help the situation," he says seeming rather irritated.

I sigh as I put my face in my hands with embarrassment and reply, "I honestly don't know what I was thinking. I just didn't want to make things easy for her after what she did. Now that I look back on the things I said to her I'm ashamed of myself. That's why I came over actually, to tell her how sorry I am. All I know is that I love her and I've lost my chance with her since she's with Jeremy."

Ben eases off of me a little realizing how torn up I am about everything. "Look Billy, I can't say that I know how you feel because I don't, but what can tell you is that this thing between Jane and Jeremy won't last. I've been around them enough to know that there's no chemistry between them. I mean Jeremy is completely taken by her, but Jane doesn't have her heart in that relationship believe me," he tells me with a knowing smile. "I'm not telling you to give up and I'm not telling you to move on, but I will tell you that you need to give her the space that she needs. Eventually she will come back and you can make amends."

"But how do you know she'll come back," I ask skeptically.

"If you would have seen her after you left the other night you would understand, just trust me on this she'll be back," he assures me. "One other thing…you really need to get your act together if you expect me to let you date my little sister."

For some reason his words gave my heart a little spark of hope for the future. I smile at him and say, "Thanks, Ben. I really needed someone to talk to." I stand and head for the door.

I hear Ben's voice come from behind me, "I'll always be here." I turn and smile at him as I leave.

I drive around for a while thinking about everything Ben said to me. Maybe he is right maybe she will come back to me. I should have given her the space she needed the first time. I just hope she'll be able to forgive me for the things I said. I do know two things for sure. One I need to quit messing up my life like Ben said. Two I have to dump Zoe. I know it will hurt her, but I'll never be happy with her. With that I head in the direction of Zoe's house.

I pull into her driveway and a disheveled; panting Zoe meets me at the front door. Her shirt is buttoned up wrong, her hair is a mess and her lipstick is smeared across her face. Surprisingly I let out a sigh of relief. "Billy what are you doing here," she asks seeming flustered.

I decided to have a little fun with her since she's giving me such an easy out. I smile sweetly at her and say, "I just wanted to come and visit my beautiful girlfriend."

"Oh…really that's so sweet. I wish you would have called first," she says faking a smile.

"So …are you going to invite me in," I ask toying with her.

She bites her lip nervously and replies, "Now is really not a good time."

I smile at her as I take her hands and say, "Why not it doesn't look like your parents are home." I lead her into the house knowing full well what I'm going to find.

There standing half-naked in the middle of her living room is the guy from her party. "Billy I can explain," I hear Zoe stutter from behind me.

I can't help myself from busting out in laughter. I turn to her and say, "Well I see you took my advice."

A look of confusion spreads across her face as she says, "What you're not mad?"

"Not really since I drove over here to break-up with you," I answer with a chuckle.

"Wait…what," she asks in shock.

"Look Zoe…I can't be with you because I'll never be truly happy. I'm in love with Jane and I always will be. Besides you're most defiantly not in love with me or you wouldn't be here doing whatever it was you were doing. Really I think I'm doing us both a favor," I tell her truthfully. I finish my sentence and my phone rings.

"Hello," I answer.

"Billy it's Ben…look you need to meet me at the airport. Bring your passport with you," he tells me frantically.

My heart-rate picks up with fear. "Wait Ben slow down and tell me what's going on," I tell him with panic in my voice.

"Jane's been shot," he wails.

I drop my phone in shock as I fall to my knees. With those words it seems like my whole world is ending. "Billy…Billy," I hear Ben yell.

I quickly pick up my phone and ask him, "Is she alive?"

"Yes thank God, but we have to go. I have to find out what happened. I have to be there for her and I need you there with me, please," I hear the agony in his voice.

"I'll meet you there," is all I say as I end the call. I spring up off the floor and walk out Zoe's door not even looking at her. Please God, let her be alright. I can't handle losing her for good. With thoughts of Jane lying dead in her hospital bed I get on my bike and race towards the airport. I'm half way there when it begins to rain and I find myself crying. I close my eyes to blink away the tears and I hear the sound of screeching tires. I open my eyes long enough to see a Jeep heading right at me and then there's nothing.