Chapter 9

Tris

I've calmed down by the time I go to the cafeteria to have lunch. I spent the last hours lying on my bed, thinking about that stupid simulation I've had again. Although it was a little different from the last one, the essence of it came down to pretty much the same: I'm still afraid of moving on with Tobias. My subconscious hasn't changed its mind the way my consciousness has. I'm more relaxed around Tobias after the weekend, after all the stuff we talked about, after all the kisses we shared, and still my fear hasn't dissolved. Hopefully we can talk about it sometime soon. I don't want to carry that uneasy feeling, which comes up every time we part with issues unsolved between us, around with me until tomorrow. It makes me agitated in a way I haven't known before I met him.

My mood improves when I sit with my friends in the cafeteria to eat. I chose spaghetti today and the others laugh about my attempts to maneuver them into my mouth without spilling too much sauce on my sweatshirt. I've never eaten them before, since in Abnegation we didn't have pasta at all because it isn't considered as simple as potatoes or rice. So far, I've tried different sorts of pasta in Dauntless, but never those long noodles that result so difficult to eat. Why would anyone come up with the idea of shaping them that way?

"As much as I like to brighten up your day, can anyone please help me with those?" I laugh, looking around the table.

The mood is light today, since everyone has had a chance to sleep calmly in their own bed last night, and we have the rest of the day to ourselves. Christina shakes her head at me as if she can't believe it's possible to capitulate to a plate of spaghetti while Will has her arm around her shoulders and can't take his eyes off her. Uriah is shaking with laughter and Marlene keeps elbowing him to stop it and be a little more polite. Even Lynn can't help but smile at me.

I raise my eyebrows at them, "Anyone? Please?"

"Wait, I'll show you how it works," Uriah chuckles.

He leaves and slumps down again in front of me after a couple of seconds with a serving of pasta for himself.

"Watch and learn," he advises, sounding like the teachers back at school.

I observe how he sticks his fork into the mountain of spaghetti, then moves the fork against his spoon and pauses to give me a wink. I copy what he's doing when he begins to turn the fork around extra-slowly, rolling the spaghetti around it.

"See? It's not too difficult. After the training in first stage you should manage it," Uriah teases me with a smirk on his face, but a friendly one.

I look him straight in the eye right before I put my fork full of rolled up pasta in my mouth and retort, "Well, I think I can when even you can do it, although it seems you're a little slow rolling them up."

And we burst out in laughter again.

XXX

"Hey Tris, what are you up to this afternoon?" Christina asks me when we step into the pit after lunch. "Want to visit my apartment?"

"Yeah, that sounds good. Do you like it?"

"Absolutely. I love having a place to myself where no one gets on my nerves."

I smile at her Candor honesty.

"Come on, let's go," she says, grabbing my hand and pulling me along with her.

"Hey Chris, where are you going?" Will shouts after us.

"Showing Tris my new room," she calls back to him.

"I'll pick you up there later before training."

It takes a moment for me to realize what that means. As soon as we're out of earshot I ask, "How does Will know where your apartment is? Four showed us ours last."

"Never miss anything, do you?" Christina smiles.

"If you say so."

"I went to visit him after you and Four left. And then I took him with me to show him my apartment, too. Besides, it was nice to finally have a place to make out in without being disturbed."

I don't know how to reply to that. I'm still not used to people talking about their relationships so openly.

"No need to turn all red," Christina chuckles. She, at the same time, is still not used to my Abnegation reserve.

We reach her apartment after rounding a few more corners and passing some hallways. I know the way. My place is just another minute away.

Christina's apartment is slightly smaller than mine and it doesn't have the amazing view of the city that mine has, given that part of it is blocked by another building. Besides, it doesn't feature the same amount of extras Tobias has provided mine with. The walls are painted in dark and light gray, but the colors look mat and weary. There are no extra cushions and the sheets seem to be made of a rougher fabric than mine. I also notice some details in my room that I haven't accredited to Tobias before: The plant on the window-sill above my bed, the coffee machine, the small bedside table.

We sit down on Christina's couch. I immediately notice how comfortable mine is in comparison to hers. We start talking about our apartments, food and training. It turns out Will and Christina are planning to practice shooting in the late afternoon today, to not get out of training.

Then our conversation turns to this morning's fear simulations. I inwardly tense the moment Christina brings up the topic. She talks about the scenery with the moths attacking her again, which she has gone through a few times already. I personally don't have a problem with insects, but the way she graphically describes it makes it scary even for me, letting me literally feel her panic. At some point, I want to tell her to spare me any more details, but it's impolite to interrupt someone's explanations. Then I remember I'm not Abnegation anymore.

"Stop it, Christina. I slept well last night for maybe the first time here and I don't want to end up dreaming of moths tonight."

"You're right, I'm sorry. What was your simulation about today?"

I can't really tell her, but can't lie to her without her noticing.

"I don't want to talk about my simulation either. Like I said, I want to have another night of peaceful sleep tonight."

"You've got a point."

There's something else I want to ask her about. I debate whether I can bring it up, but decide she'll honestly tell me if she doesn't want to answer.

"So when you said you and Will were making out, what exactly did you mean by that?"

Christina looks at me, obviously surprised. For a moment I think she won't answer me or tell me the question is too private.

"Oh, girls talk! I didn't know you at least do that in Abnegation."

"We don't. But I'm Dauntless now."

I have a feeling I can get some advice from her concerning boys, but it's difficult without being able to speak freely.

"We were kissing heavily in his place and when he started to undress me I stopped him because I wanted to show him where my room was, too. And, well, you don't wander around half-naked even in Dauntless." She pauses deliberately. "So we changed the location and then continued over here. He's such a good kisser. I've never been with anyone who can kiss that well. There's this thing he does with his tongue..." Another pause, for effect, I guess. "And his body's so hot, you know, with all this training we're doing here, he's built some muscles. You should see his chest, I swear you see every muscle."

I envy her right now, the way she talks about all this as easily as she does about the weather or her latest acquisition from the boutique. She's waiting for me to put another question to her.

"And then?"

"We got almost fully undressed, except for our underwear. We kept that for another time. So we didn't have sex last night, if that's what you wanted, but not dared, to ask."

I nod. Sometimes she can read my mind.

"And when is 'another time'?" I ask.

She's told me so much now that I'm pretty sure she doesn't mind my curiosity.

"Sometime next weekend, I hope. When we have all night and won't have to worry about having to get up early. No alarm clock the next morning, you know?"

"Sounds... like a good plan."

"Of course," she smiles so brightly I can only smile back at her the same way.

"I'm happy for you and Will. It's good you two have each other."

"Thank you. I'm totally falling in love with him. And everything he says and does is just perfect. You know, when you fall in love sooner or later, I'm sure you'll have all that, too."

Her words hit me off-guard and my expression slips for just the shortest moment possible before I get it back under control, but Christina has noticed it nonetheless.

"What is it?"

"Nothing."

"That's not true. You're having a secret. Wait, do you have a crush on anyone?"

She's getting excited by the idea. I know lying is pointless with her, so I think about a way to tell her at least something. How much can I share without giving too much away?

"Okay, you're right. But I won't tell you who it is. Not yet, anyway."

"I knew it! Why won't you spill his name? Is it Uriah?"

I stifle a laugh, "No, it isn't. And please do me the favor to stop asking me for a name. I promise to tell you soon, but I can't do it yet."

She thinks about that before she agrees, "Because I sense you're telling the truth this time. But isn't there at least something you can feed my curiosity with? Please, Tris."

I laugh about her batting her eyelashes jokingly, as if that would do the trick.

"You know, relationships are not allowed in Abnegation, at least not unless you're about to get married. Couples don't show affection in public, especially not physically. And they don't go to bed together before their wedding. People practically never touch each other outside the house, and even within the family it's uncommon. I'm still getting used to all the hugging and touching around here."

Christina has turned serious now, and curious as usual when I speak to her about life in Abnegation.

"That's so unbelievable, really, and totally weird. I get that 'wait with sex until marriage'-thing more or less, but why would they forbid hugging? It's something so human and enriching."

"I don't know the reasons why they formed the rules that way. It's just part of their lifestyle. "

"So this is why you won't tell me yet? Because you're still sorting out where you stand?"

"That's part of the reason, yes. For you, everything seems so easy and I wish I could be like that around boys, but I'm not. My fear simulation this morning... it was about touching."

I can't look straight at her anymore while I say this, but saying it out loud lifts part of the weight off my heart.

"You're afraid of touching? You mean, like hugging and kissing and stuff?"

"No, not exactly. More of... undressing and what follows?" It comes out more like a question, a suggestion.

"Your simulation was about sex?"

"Do you think I'm crazy? Because I feel like I'm the only one in Dauntless to ever have this fear."

"No, you're not crazy. Honestly, it's maybe an unavoidable outcome of your Abnegation upbringing."

Her words comfort me. The good thing about Christina's Candor background is that I can be almost sure she's giving me her true opinion. When she pulls me into a friendly hug I enjoy being near her and hug her back.

"And I swear it'll go away if you're with the right boy," she adds. Suddenly she tenses. "Wait! Four was doing the simulations with us. Does it mean he has seen it?"

"Uhm, yes."

"Oh my god, that's crazy. It's weird enough he gets to see our deepest fears at all, but even one like that? What did he say?"

"Not much, actually." It's the truth.

"He never says much. But he must have reacted somehow."

"He said I couldn't influence what simulation comes up and that it wasn't the right time and place to talk about my fear."

"And probably not the right person."

"He didn't say that."

"No, it's what I say. He's intimidating."

"He can be, I know."

"But it's nice of him that he didn't make fun of you. He didn't, did he?"

"No, he didn't. Nevertheless, I hope I won't have to go through that sim again."

"If you're lucky it won't turn up again until our final test and after that, simulations are over, although there will be a lot of audience watching you go through it on Initiation day."

I let her words sink and it takes a while for my mind to process their meaning: Unless I overcome my fear during the next ten days, the leaders will see it. And worse, they'll know Tobias and I are in a forbidden relationship and doubt the fairness of initiation. Surely there would be consequences for both of us. In the end, I realize, our relationship could make us both end up factionless.

Tobias

I keep looking at the monitors without truly watching the feeds. I stare right through them. My mind keeps wandering off to either Tris' fear simulation or the mysterious email I read in Eric's office. For the hundredth time I go through a mental list of people I know in Dauntless, but nobody whose name begins with a D seems important to Eric or Max.

I get up to grab something to drink from the fridge. When I close the door and flip open the bottle, my eyes come to rest on the Dauntless flames in their familiar circle of about one meter in diameter that is painted on the rough stone wall. 'D' could also mean Dauntless. Why didn't I have that idea before? I mentally get through the message again. Yes, it all fits together. Dauntless has some serious problems. But that doesn't explain Jeanine's orders concerning initiation.

I turn and walk back to my chair in front of the monitors. Zoya, my co-worker tonight, looks as if she's already half-asleep in her chair at the other side of the room. She barely looks up at me when I pass her. There isn't much time left until my shift is over, only half an hour to kill.

I scan the black and white pictures the cameras constantly send to the control room and freeze. Eric and Max are sneaking along empty and usually abandoned corridors. Although the image is blurred, I can clearly make them out. I try to follow them on the screens. Sometimes they get out of the flow and I have to wait until they appear again somewhere else. It's not too difficult though, because I assume where they are heading. I manually type in commands on the computer to get images from the cameras I think they are passing on their way. They are about to leave the compound. When they finally get out, I can no longer track them. I check the clock above the door. Judging by the time and place where they just stepped outside close to the tracks, I conclude they are about to take the train that'll pass the platform in exactly two minutes.

I shift uncomfortably in my seat as the minutes pass by slowly, wanting, needing, to see what they're up to. I hope Nate and Rick will be here on time to take over the control room at midnight. Usually we arrive ten minutes before our shift begins to have time to share important information. Tonight I can't wait.

I try to shorten the time by typing in some commands, taking some cameras out of the constant stream of pictures. I don't want the night shift workers to follow my way through the compound like I've done twenty minutes ago with our two leaders. Especially at the beginning of their shift they'll still be awake and concentrated.

I force myself to talk to Nate calmly once he's there. Given that I'm not someone who has a personal chat with their colleagues at the change of shift, he doesn't get suspicious when I only give him some brief information and then head out quickly.

There's no time to go back to my or Tris' apartment if I want to catch the next train. During the night they don't run as often as they do during the day. After eleven, their intervals are prolonged until eight in the morning. I make it to the platform in time, there are even a few minutes left. I hate waiting.

As the train approaches I start to jog and then I get faster and faster as I run along beside it. I pull myself up and inside on a handle and are glad to find that I'm alone in the wagon. After my breathing is back to normal I sit down opposite the open door and watch the city go by in the darkness, endless images of broken buildings and crumbling facades.

I stand when the train is nearing Erudite headquarters. I'm pretty sure this is where Eric and Max have gone. The train bends and Erudite compound comes into view. I can tell where it begins and ends because its lights are still turned on and shine widely in the dark, although it's already past midnight. I take it as a confirmation that my assumptions were right. I didn't make up a plan about what exactly I wanted to do when I reached Erudite headquarters, but it might as well be worthless with all the lamps inside and spotlights outside. They'd spot me rather quickly if I got anywhere near the building, so I just try to watch the scenery as closely as I can while the train moves along. I don't see anyone I recognize, but I do see that behind some, yet not all, of the windows people are still studying or working in laboratories or in front of computer screens.

Why? It must be at least about half past twelve now. They're up to something, it's obvious. If only I knew what it is that they're planning.

The view changes back to darkness when the train follows another bend in the tracks. My mind is racing and I'm unable to sit down again. Instead, I pace up and down on the metal floor, turning around every few steps because of the limited space in the wagon. I can't go back to Dauntless yet. I need more time out of the compound. The next possibility to jump off the train is near the old fair where we played capture the flag some days ago. Maybe that's a good place for me to go and clear my mind.

By the time the platform comes into view I prepare to jump and when I do, I land rather hard. It's difficult in the darkness, when I can't make out the bumps in the pavement. Nobody has had it repaired here so far because hardly anyone ever jumps off here.

I turn and walk over the lawn towards the fair. I can make out the Ferris wheel against the sky. It seems bigger, that is to say higher, than in my memories. Did I really climb up there with Tris? Watching it grow even higher up against the sky as I get nearer and my perspective changes, I consider that the both of us must have been crazy that night. I stop only when I'm right in front of it. Now my thoughts are with Tris again. How can she be bold enough to climb up that monster of rusty steel and at the same time be afraid of me or, at least, a part of me?


DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.


So that was a slightly longer chapter this time. Hope you liked it!

I want to thank all of you who like this fiction and keep reading the new chapters everytime I upload one. I'm thankful for your encouraging reviews, messages, follows and favorites, it's what keeps me going.