"Zetsu! Zetsu! Stop! Get your breath! You don't have your inhaler and you're on the verge of an asthma attack!" Kisame said trying to calm him down.
"WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO KISAME!?" Zetsu shrieked through his lack of air.
"Okay, just relax…we can get him out….let's just wait on everyone else to get here. They should be back shortly and we'll figure something out." Kisame said.
"OOOOOOH NOOOOOO! KISAME! IT'S DRAG QUEEN REVIEW NIGHT! KISAMEEEEEEEEEEE!" Zetstu was shaking Kisame back and forth.
"ZETSU! CALM THE HELL DOWN! I THINK I KNOW WHAT WE NEED…" Kisame thought for a moment.
"What!? What do we need?" Zetsu asked.
"We need someone articulate, manipulative, beautiful, easily agitated, overly critical, secretly insecure and totally up on today's fashion trends." Kisame said. Zetsu didn't say anything for a minute.
"WHERE ARE WE GOING TO FIND SOMEONE LIKE THAT, KISAME!?" Zetsu said still panicking.
"Deidara! Stop letting the bottom of those bags touch the ground, stupid!" Itachi hissed at Deidara as they approached Kisame and Zetsu.
"Itachi, why am I carrying all your bags anyway, yeah?" Deidara asked.
"Hello Deidara!? Can't you see that I have a martini in one hand and Dana in the other!? God, you are so high maintenance sometimes!" Itachi was getting pissed with Deidara.
"OH MY GOD!" Kisame and Zetsu screamed at each other. It was a delayed reaction but at least they realized they had exactly what they needed.
"Hi Kisameeeee! Look…what..Deidara got me tonight! Isn't it beautiful?" Marisol said shoving her hand in Kisame's face to show off her beautiful blue topaz.
"That is definitely lovely Marisol." Kisame told her taking her hand in his.
"What the hell ever Kisame, Dana's diamond cost $15,000 dollars….Deidara paid what….$1000 dollars for that? Who loves who more here." Itachi said rolling his eyes.
"Yeah….but he also bought her a $700 dollar pair of high heels, a $4000 handbag, a $975 pair of sunglasses and a $1500 dress….why the hell do I know this…MY GOD I'VE BEEN IN FRONT OF THE BAR TOO LONG!!" Kisame said.
"Okay, so we're going back to the boat. Pein and everyone else aren't here yet so we're leaving." Itachi announced.
"No, no, no….don't…leave yet….they'll be here soon." Zetsu said poking Kisame to get him to tell Itachi the situation.
"Oh my god, me and Konan bought so much fudge! Look, we have like 15 pounds of fudge! I mean, we only planned on 8…but we got carried away." Pein said.
"SHUT….UP KAKUZU! WE ARE SO DONE TALKING ABOUT THIS! NOW GO TO HELL! Sorry Yunko. He obviously doesn't FUCKING GET IT!" Hidan and Kakuzu had been arguing over watermelon prices and how watermelon was one of the accepted fruits of Jasshin.
"It's okay, he's just stingy and a watermelon would be a sizeable fruit investment for him." Yunko said.
"Wow….you all bought a lot of shit." Hidan observed seeing at least 30 shopping bags between Itachi, Deidara, Marisol and Dana.
"Alright….now that everyone is here….we uh….we have a dilemma on our hands…" Kisame began to tell the situation. "Um…Tobi…he…uh…he ran into that gay bar over there….and we need someone to go in and get him." Kisame said nervously.
"Oh! Oh! Me! Pick me! I want to be gay!" Marisol said bouncing up and down just as happy as she could be.
"Yeah! Me and Marisol will be gay and go get him, yeah!" Dana said latching on to Mairsol's arm.
"Oooh, Marisol…sweet, innocent Marisol…you're offer is so kind…to go and get stupid Tobi…but honey…Tobi thinks you and Dana are just his fun girlfriends he can play with…and I don't mean that is any kind of sick sexual way… I mean he just thinks you two are all fun and games. He'd never listen to you." Kisame sighed.
"Well…I'll go get him." Kakuzu said. It was incredibly unlikely that Kakuzu would volunteer but it seemed to be settled.
"Alright, now go in there with fighting fists do you hear me? Don't let Tobi give you any crap!" Zetsu warned him.
"Okay, don't worry I'm come back with a Tobi." Kakuzu headed toward the bar but soon came running back. "I CAN'T GO IN THERE ALONE! IT'S A $25 COVER CHARGE! THOSE PRICES ARE OUTRAGEOUS! It's $15 dollars for a couple so someone needs to go with me HIDAN!" Kakuzu said.
"Seriously, I'm not going with you. Look, Yunko is already laughing so hard she might pee her pants and I need to be here to offer her my pants!" Hidan said.
"Well, then I'm not going because I'm not paying $25 dollars!" Kakuzu adamantly stated.
"Why the hell are you looking at me? I can't go in there, I'll be the best dressed and I could get hit on which makes me uncomfortable." Itachi said as Kisame stared him down.
"Oh you're going…you're perfect for this job. You haven't done shit all day but party on the boat and now is your time to redeem yourself. Now, take Deidara's hand; here's $15 bucks….get in there and get Tobi. Besides, Tobi's scared of you. He'll listen to anything you say." Kisame said.
"Oh my god! I've so never been gay before, yeah! This will be fun!" Deidara said wrapping his arms around Itachi's waist.
"LET GO OF ME DUMBASS! NOW COME ON! IT'S JUST A QUICK IN AND OUT! DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T TALK TO ANYONE!!" Itachi grabbed the fifteen dollars from Kisame with a death glare in his eyes. So off they went…
"Good luck, yeah!" Dana yelled.
"Hi! We are soooo gay, yeah!" Deidara said to whoever was at the door handing over the cash.
"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up dumbass!" Itachi mumbled to him. Finally, they were inside this place.
"Itachi, you're going to have to hold my hand, yeah. We don't look very committed." Deidara said reaching for Itachi's hand.
"I am not holding your hand!" Itachi said getting more pissed by the minute.
"Itachi, I am like such a good actor and you're not being convincing, yeah. I mean, do you want to look straight?"Deidara asked. Itachi was fuming.
"YES! YES! YES! HAVE YOU COMPELTELY FORGOTTEN ABOUT OUR PERFECT WOMEN WHO ARE WAITING ON US OUTSIDE !?"
"Well, no, yeah. But in here you have got to want to be with me! Now hold my hand!" Deidara said. But Deidara didn't give him a choice, he just grabbed Itachi's hand. Now, what better way to figure out where the hell Tobi was than to ask a bartender?
"Um yeah, hi! I'm really, really gay with him and we are looking for our…not as gay but still gay friend Tobi, yeah. Have you seen him. Okay, let me and the guy that I soooo love describe him for you he's…." Itachi cut Deidara off.
"Shut the….STOP TALKING! Okay, he's about this tall, really bad black hair, horrible dresser…" the bartender recognized this immediately.
"Oooooh you mean that guy with the wicked crazy dance moves? He's over there." The bartender pointed to Tobi…going berserk on the dance floor…dancing…horribly."
"Oh…my….god….he's making a complete ass of himself." Itachi said horrified.
"Oooooh he is, yeah. But it looks like he's made lots of friends, and look at all those mardi gras beads…how do you think he got those, yeah?" Deidara asked as he watched Tobi completely destroy Sean Kingston's latest hit.
"Well, they were shiny and he probably just took them." Itachi said. "Alright, here's the plan….one the count of three I'm actually going to hold your hand and we are going to have to get into that crowd…get Tobi and get the hell out. Deidara…I say this in the un-gayest way possible….don't' let go of me and I don't let go of you…if we get separated….we WILL get hit on….we might anyway….ready? let's go." Itachi said grabbing Deidara's hand tightly before entering the crowd.
