A/N- This was a very difficult chapter to write and I'm not so sure I was successful in portraying what I wanted. I hope you all enjoy it though, and please review to let me know what you think (either good or bad). Also this story is obviously slightly AU as Snape is still alive, but there are other little differences as well. All will be explained so be patient!
Chapter Nine- Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying
Harry was relieved to find himself alone when he woke in the morning. It was hard enough to face the idea of unlimited alone time with Snape without having to wake up to him as well.
As he gingerly sat up in bed he realized just how weak he was, he felt shaky all over. He stood slowly and moved to the bathroom, hesitantly standing in front of the mirror. He looked at himself carefully, mentally sidestepping the memory of the last time he looked at his reflection.
He was pale as usual, and he could tell he'd lost weight. He had a long white scar that ran down the left side of his face, about the width of a thin needle. Considering what he'd intended to do with that piece of mirror, he knew he'd got of lightly. Thanks to Snape the scar would probably fade even more in time and would hardly be noticeable. He wasn't sure that he deserved that, but then again surely one scar was enough?
He showered and dressed slowly, and even that seemed to exhaust him. Not sure what to do with himself after that he just sat on the hospital bed and fought against the compulsion to just get back in it and go to sleep.
'Are you ready to go?' Snape said from the doorway.
Harry looked up at him. 'You know you really should learn to make more noise when you move.' He said softly. 'Then you wouldn't startle people so much.'
'You assume of course that it's not my intention to startle people.' Snape replied.
Harry just looked at him for a moment, and then said. 'Yes I'm ready.' He didn't know what else to say.
Snape nodded once and then Harry followed him out of the room. They had to sign a lot of paperwork before they were allowed to leave and he was given a lengthy lecture about what potions to take and how regularly and how he must rest or he wouldn't recover. He barely paid attention, and was finding it increasingly difficult to talk. He knew he needed to say thank you to Snape for saving his life (again) and for taking him in now, but he just couldn't find the words. He couldn't find any words.
Finally they were allowed to leave the hospital, and the two of them walked outside. Just as Harry was wondering how they were going to get to Hogwarts, Snape held out his arm.
'Hold on.' He said. 'We are going to apparate straight to my quarters.'
'But I thought you couldn't apparate into Hogwarts?' Harry said in surprise, remembering all too well how many times Hermione had reminded Ron of that fact.
'A small section of my quarters have always been exempt from that rule.' Snape said. 'Hold on please.'
Harry lightly rested his hand on Snape's arm.
'You'll have to hold on a bit tighter than that Potter.'
He gritted his teeth and held on tighter trying very hard not to think about whose arm he was holding and how very warm it felt under his skin. He briefly wondered if the dark mark was still there or if it had faded when Voldemort died.
They turned on the spot.
Harry let go of Snape's arm as soon as they had reached their destination. They were standing on a sort of balcony, that was hollowed out from the castle wall, they were on the outer side of the castle, and the view was quite spectacular. Harry barely noticed it though, he kept his eyes down unsure of himself. It felt very very strange to be in Snape's quarters, like he was an intruder, which of course he was.
'Come inside.' Snape commanded, waving at the double doors in front of him. 'The wards will let you in if you enter either through this entrance or through the internal entrance. This balcony is the only place that anyone can apparate to or from. Do not leave from here without my permission. If you do I will ensure that the wards on these doors will not let you out again. Otherwise feel free to come out here whenever you like. The fresh air will be good for you.'
Harry nodded numbly and wandered through the double doors after Snape, who led him through a small sized sitting room, talking as he went.
'This is the sitting room. You may read and study out here as you wish, and visit with your friends, although if I am in here I ask for silence.'
They walked through the door on the other side and entered a small corridor coming to a stop in front of two doors. Snape opened the door on the left, and gestured inside. 'This is your bedroom. I will respect your privacy as much as possible but I ask that you keep it fairly neat. The room next door is my bedroom, please do not enter it unless it is an emergency. The bathroom is at the end of the hall.' He paused.
Harry looked at the room, the bed was a double and covered in a rich red bedspread. Harry vaguely wondered if Snape had done that to try to make him feel more at home. It was the biggest bed he had ever had. 'I think I'm going to rest now.' He said softly.
Snape nodded tersely and left Harry alone.
Harry wandered to the bed and toed off his shoes, he didn't bother to undress before he pulled back the covers and climbed in. He curled up into a ball on his side and pulled the covers up over his face.
And there he stayed.
He lost track of time after awhile, and eventually lost track of days. He got out of bed only to visit the bathroom when necessary, and otherwise kept curled up in a ball with his head covered. Thankfully there were no windows in the bedroom so it was always dark. He liked the dark, it made it easier not to think.
Sometimes Snape was there, sitting quietly in the dark next to him, and sometimes he wasn't. The first time this happened (on the very first night he was there), Harry waited expectantly in silence (with his back to him) for Snape to reprimand him or tell him to get out of bed and stop sulking, but he never did. Instead he conjured a chair to sit in and settled himself next to the bed, not saying a word. Harry gave up waiting after a while and went back to sleep. When he woke up Snape was gone. But there was a plate of food and several potion vials next to the bed, on a table where the chair had been, and there was a note that said, 'You must eat, and drink these potions. They are not the crap that St Mungo's gave you – I brewed them myself, hence they are safe to take.'
He didn't really know what to make of that, but he ate a few of the sandwiches and drank the potions obediently. For some reason that he couldn't explain he folded the note and stuffed it under his pillow. Then he rolled over and closed his eyes.
He supposed that Snape must still be teaching classes because he was often gone for long periods in the middle of the day, when he was in his quarters he was sometimes working (he assumed) in the sitting room, and sometimes sitting with Harry. He never ate meals with him, but would often bring him food and would sit with him while he ate it, never commenting on how much or how little he ate. He brought him his potions each day and vanished empty potion vials and leftover food as needed. Harry sometimes wondered what potions he was on, but he never asked what they were. He knew he was on a calming draught, and he thought he must be on dreamless sleep because he was sleeping all the time but not having nightmares anymore, not having any dreams at all actually.
He sometimes heard other people talking with Snape in the sitting room, once he could have sworn he heard Ron and Hermione speaking with Snape in low tones. But he was so tired, so so tired and he didn't have the energy to get out of bed and visit with them, instead he closed his eyes and went back to sleep. He just wanted to be left alone.
In fact Ron and Hermione had tried to visit Harry for the past three days and it was only on the third day that Severus finally allowed them in. He assured them quietly that Harry was fine, but currently asleep. And then shoed them out the door with a promise that he would tell Harry they had visited.
Professor McGonagall came on the fourth day. She was not so easy to placate.
'What on earth do you mean he's in bed? It's the middle of the day!' She exclaimed.
'He is resting, as the healer ordered him to do.' Severus said curtly. 'When he is ready he will get up, but that time is not now.'
'Are you sure it's wise to allow him to behave like this? Is it really in his best interests to indulge him?'
Severus leaned back against the doorframe of the sitting room and folded his arms, waiting for her to finish.
'He needs to be out of bed and concentrating on getting well again, not wallowing in his misfortunes! You assured me that he would be safe and looked after here, I only allowed you to continue teaching your classes because you assured me he was doing well. Then Mr Weasley and Ms Granger informed me that Harry was refusing to see them and that he was locked up in your quarters and confined to his room!' She ranted. 'I thought you of all people wouldn't let him behave this way, you have never indulged him in anything. Is it simply that you can't be bothered to actually care for him? Is he taking his potions? Is he eating correctly?'
'Are you quite finished?' Severus said.
'Answer me please. Are you treating him properly?' Minerva asked, calmer now.
'Of course I'm treating him properly.' He snapped. 'He is eating and taking his potions on a daily basis. He does not feel like getting out of bed at the moment, probably because recently he has not been able to sleep without fear from nightmares or hallucinations! I assure you he will snap out of this sooner or later but right now it's best for him to be left to his own devices. I am not about to argue with him. When he is ready he will get up. Until then he is best left alone.' He paused for a moment. 'I expected more from those two, I explained all this to them last night. It wasn't as if Harry didn't know they were here, he is certainly not confined to his room and could easily have got up if wanted to.'
Minerva sighed. 'It is difficult for them Severus, they are worried about him that's all, as am I, and in his absence they are expected to answer all the questions surrounding his breakdown. It's hard on them. They miss their friend.'
'Right now he isn't their friend. He isn't anybody, he is simply existing separate from everything else. Like I said, he will get over this. I believe he doesn't want to to be strong anymore.'
'He is strong though, no one else in this world could have had the strength to manage what he did at such a young age. He is still a boy!' Minerva said softly.
Severus raised his eyebrows in question, 'Do you really see him as a child still? He hasn't been a child since Albus died Minerva. He has been forced to be an adult, to make adult choices, and have an adult's strength. I agree that he managed superbly when it counted, but even the best of us have moments where we must let it all go. He is learning that lesson now.'
'And you Severus? Did you ever learn that lesson?' She asked meaningfully.
'My lessons are mine alone Minerva, don't presume to know me. I am not yours to fix and I resent any attempt you make at it.' Severus said icily. He had in fact learned that lesson, and many others besides that, but that was his business and no one else's.
'Oh for heavens sake Severus stop being ridiculous. There are people here who care about you too you know.' She huffed.
'Just keep your opinions to yourself please.' He snapped. 'Let's stay focused on Potter shall we? I'll inform you once he has come through this, and I will let you know once he is ready to return to his dormitory and classes. In the mean time I will continue teaching and will assist Potter in recovering, as promised.'
'Alright then, but I do worry about the boy being alone so much.'
'I do wish you would stop referring to Potter as a boy. It's a ridiculous notion. And I am here for much of the time, so he is not alone.'
'Do you speak with him Severus?' Minerva asked. 'He needs someone to talk to.'
'I sit with him, and I make sure that he takes his potions and that he eats. When he is ready to speak, I will answer him.'
Minerva looked at him for a long moment. 'Albus would be so proud of you.' She said softly.
Severus gave her a hard look, but refrained from replying. Instead he ushered her to the door. 'Thank you for your concern.' He said shortly, holding the door open for her.
Once she had left he returned to Potter's room to check on him. Unsurprisingly he was asleep. Severus once again conjured a chair and sat down next to the bed. He wasn't sure exactly why he felt the need to keep him company like this, only that he didn't want Harry to be alone, for the first time in his life he actually cared about more than whether he lived or died. He wanted him to be happy.
Severus wrinkled his nose, He also wanted him to be clean and smell free. Harry was fast asleep so he cast a quick scourgify on him hoping he wouldn't wake up, thank fully he didn't even stir. He then noticed the potion vial on the bed next to him. It was still full, he hadn't taken it. Severus picked it up and looked at it, it was dreamless sleep. He unconsciously leaned over and smoothed Harry's hair back from his forehead. 'I hope you have happy dreams Harry.' He whispered.
Harry dreamed of many things that night, some were wonderful- beautiful shapes and colors, soft hands and dark eyes. Some were not so wonderful.
His subconscious washed right over most of the images, choosing to concentrate on only a select few.
He saw Dobby, as he was when he worked at Hogwarts in the kitchens, mismatched socks, and a tea cosy hat, offering cakes and buns. 'How can I help Harry Potter?' He asked in his squeaky voice. The image changed and he was holding him in his arms as he died. The image changed again to a hook nosed, dark haired man towering over him, and then again to a pair of eyes locked onto his own.
Harry woke the next morning feeling more alive than he had for months. The unbearable numbness that had settled over him had disappeared. It had been replaced with anger, mostly directed at himself.
People had died, Dobby had died in his place no less, and here he was barely existing! It was time to make a choice, to get busy living or to get busy dying. He knew which one he wanted to do. He felt angry over the mockery that his life had been to this date, but the only person who was holding him back now was himself. He was better than this. Voldemort had stolen enough of his life and enough of Snape's too, he wasn't going to let him take anymore.
And so he got out of bed putting his feet firmly on the floor. He wandered slowly out of the room and down the short corridor to the sitting room.
Snape was seated in a chair by the fireplace, reading. Harry took a moment before he spoke to simply look at him. He knew that Snape was aware of him standing there, but the silence did not seem to bother him.
'Professor Snape?' Harry asked.
Snape put down his book and raised his eyes to Harry's face. 'Yes Potter?'
'Thank you Sir, for saving my life yet again, and for allowing me to stay here while I recover.' Harry paused. 'I realize my behavior since I arrived here has been disgraceful, and I apologise for that. It won't happen again. Also, thank you for sitting with me.' He finished, refusing to lower his eyes from Snape's face. He could feel his cheeks reddening.
Snape regarded him for a moment. 'Potter you will find that I don't accept thanks very often or very graciously, so I advise you refrain from now on. I accept your apology, though in this instance it was not necessary.'
Harry nodded.
Snape raised his eyebrows. 'I suggest you have a shower and get dressed, and then we will have a discussion. I have some questions for you and I am sure you have some for me.'
'Yes Sir.' Harry replied and turned to head to the bathroom.
'Harry?' Snape said casually.
He turned back to find Snape smirking at him.
'Welcome back to the land of the living.'
A/N- The phrase 'get busy living or get busy dying' is from the movie 'The Shawshank Redemption'. Brilliant movie!
