I don't know how long I stood outside the club, wondering what the hell I just did, but it was a long time let me tell you. Eventually, I wandered back inside and found Phoebe and Gerald at our table, with Phoebe on her cellphone, finger jammed in the other ear to block out the sound of the club. Gerald just looked on, expression unreadable. I had a sinking feeling Phoebe was on the phone with Helga.
The look Phoebe gave me when she noticed me was an answer enough. Gerald put his hand on Phoebe's shoulder, then made a gesture like he wanted me to walk with him. I figured I might as well, because, Jesus, I had really screwed up. I'm pretty sure the bouncer was sick of seeing me by now.
"What the hell did you say to Helga?" Gerald asked once we were outside.
I shrugged, my mouth occupied by a cigarette, "I don't know if I really need to be talking about this with you, I don't think it's any of your business."
"Y'know, as much as it pains me to say it, Helga's my friend, so I'm pretty sure it's my business," Gerald said mildly, but I could tell he was way pissed off. "She sounded pretty hysterical when I was on the phone with her. Not a lot makes that girl hysterical."
"Well, what the hell do you want me to say? Okay, Jesus, I might as well be waving a giant flag over my head saying, 'I like Helga!'" I paced around the front of the club and burned through my cigarette faster than I had ever smoked anything before. "So I was asking her, what, why won't she get with me?"
"Maybe because she's plain not interested in you?" Gerald asked.
"No shit, Sherlock!" I raised my voice, getting frustrated trying to explain myself to a kid I had just met again after like, nine... ten... seven years! "I know she is, but something's stopping her from getting with me."
"How about the fact you're still the same backstabbing, selfish asshole you've always been?"
"Will you just... just shut the fuck up? You're not helping," I shouted at Gerald. "Okay, so I mentioned Arnold, but I didn't think she'd go apeshit! She's had long enough to get over it."
"I can't believe you, Sid, you're such a jerk," Gerald raised his hands up and shook his head like he was finished with me.
"And it's not like her fuckin' heart got ripped out or anything! So what? They dated, they broke up. They dated for like, three months and then he moved. People don't exactly form deep undying love over three months," I said, angrily lighting up another cigarette.
Gerald just gave me a pitying look, like I was missing out on some big secret that made the words I just said painfully ironic. Then he went inside. I flicked his back off and after that I finished off my cigarette in a matter of minutes. I was not staying at this club a moment longer than I had to.
Once I was inside, I found Harold and begged him to head back home. I couldn't persuade him at first but after several mentions of the fact that it was my birthday, he relented. We found Allen and motored out of there.
"What's got your panties all in a bunch?" Harold asked as we waited for the train.
"I fucked things up with Helga. All I want to do now is go back to your house and drink myself into a coma," I muttered.
"Well, go ahead, just don't puke in my room. How'd you fuck things up?" Harold sounded supremely unconcerned, but he usually did when he was drunk.
"I don't want to talk about it," all I wanted to do was light up another cigarette, but we couldn't smoke on the platform.
"You showed her your dick, didn't you?" Allen laughed.
"Fuck off!" I spat at him, shoving him and giving him a glare that would have frozen hell to show him that I was not in the mood to be fucked with whatsoever.
"God," Allen gave me a look but seemed to decide to let things slide.
With a rumble and a roar, the train arrived, so we got on, the effects of a night of dancing and drinking starting to take effect. My eyes were drooping so the only thing that kept me awake was knowing I would be able to smoke and drink back at Harold's place.
I stared out the window even though I couldn't see much besides ads because it was a subway train. What should I even do? After a while of thinking without getting any answers, I figured I would deal with the problem later because right now, it was the weekend. I should just relax and have fun and I could worry about Helga during the week.
Allen got off before us to head home, so I gave him a man hug and thanked him for coming, even though the evening was kind of a bust. He just shrugged and said he had fun anyway, then wished me happy birthday. After saying that, he dashed out the door and just made it before they slid shut.
A few stops later, Harold and I got off. As we started to walk to his house, I realized that I had pretty much sobered up. At least I would be able to fix that soon. Being sober, I mean, not the problem of Helga and I. Of course drinking wouldn't solve that. It would only exacerbate things. In fact, it would probably pour gasoline over everything and light it on fire. But being drunk would let me forget about it for a little while.
"We gotta be quiet, my parents are asleep," Harold said as he unlocked the door.
We stopped in the kitchen and grabbed the bottles of alcohol.
Once we were in Harold's room, I grabbed an ashtray from his bedside table and lit up a cigarette, then unscrewed the top to the vodka. I braced myself, then gulped some down straight from the bottle. The sweet burn of the vodka assured me that everything would be all right in a little while.
"Jesus, that's a whole bottle, don't kill it," Harold said, swiping the bottle out of my hand when he returned from changing out of his club clothes and generally getting ready for bed.
I was already smashed, so I just grabbed a bottle of Jägermeister right next to me and opened it up.
"Let'sss do Jäger shots, Harold, you're not as druuunk as me," I slurred.
"I think you can lay off for a little while," Harold told me, unscrewing the top of the vodka and taking a sip.
"I need to be drunker," I said, downing a big gulp of Jäger. "I wish I was twenty-one. All my problems would be solved if I was twenty-one. I love drinking."
"You're a big, fat, drunk, Sid, shut the hell up and go to sleep," Harold told me. "And lay on your side or something. I don't want you to die."
I scoffed, "When will I die? I'm too beautiful to die, pffft, ha!"
After that I don't really remember much, but I figure it's probably good that I don't because Harold said I did some real embarrassing stuff and he had to explain to his parents why I was sitting on the floor crying. So, yeah, I'm actually thrilled I don't remember that stuff.
I didn't see Helga for a few days, and I couldn't figure out if I thought that was good or bad. I guess it was good in the fact that I had time to cool off and re-examine what happened with a sober mind, but I just got the same conclusion: I was right and she was wrong. Sure, maybe I didn't know what the hell I was talking about with Arnold, but that didn't give her an excuse to slap me. That really hurt.
It's not like I was being vindictive or anything either, I was honestly curious as to why she absolutely refused to get with me. Because I think that somewhere, deep down inside, she did like me a little bit, like, just a minuscule amount, but obviously, something or someone was keeping her from getting with me. And I'm not saying that to sound pretentious or anything, I just figure that any normal, emotionally stable person would be willing to try having a relationship when there are mutual feelings of attraction.
It was finals week now, which meant that everyone was a bundle of joy to be around. I stopped giving a fuck about all my classes around the second day of school, so mentally, I had already checked out. That's why I was sitting out on the fire escape, chaining cigarettes and playing songs on my guitar. If I leaned just right, I could balance myself on the railing, bracing my back against the wall and my foot against the opposing railing.
After thinking for a second, I decided what I was going to play next. I had an hour and a half to kill before taking my next final of the day. My fingers started strumming the upbeat chords of Alkaline Trio on my guitar.
"And if it's okay, I'll just grab my shit and leave, I won't say one word, I'll keep my tricks up my sleeve, flew off of the handle, you opened fire on me, put me down, put me out of misery, I'm fatally yours," I sang.
The door opened and I half expected it to be a teacher telling me that I was going to be expelled and fined a hundred dollars for smoking on school property or Allen coming out here to whine that he had just bombed his trig exam. Instead I just about fell off the railing when I saw it was Helga.
I tried to play it cool like I didn't really give a shit that she was out here, but in reality, my heart was pounding and I felt all goofy inside. I wondered what she would do. Would she ignore me, would she bitch at me, would she apologize? I voted for one of the first two.
So far, it seemed her course of action was ignoring me. She pulled a cigarette out from behind her ear then lit it. I watched the cigarette smoulder while Helga rested her hand on the railing and stared out at the street. Then she turned to look at me and I near shit my pants.
Of course, instead of doing that, I tried to play it cool, so I said, "Hey."
Helga just sighed and turned to look back out at the street. I just fiddled with my guitar, playing whatever chords came to mind.
"This is why I don't like you, Sid. You're making me apologize to you a second time, Christ, look, okay, I'm sorry I slapped you or whatever."
Wow, was she really apologizing again? I felt so special. I was the luckiest guy in the world. Hooray.
"It's fine, I mean, I was just saying shit," I mumbled.
"Of course I know you were! It's all you do," Helga said, an edge to her voice, "but I grudgingly admit you made a good point. I am letting things hold me back from doing what I want to do."
I wasn't quite sure what to say, so I just strummed my guitar some more until I finally muttered, "Well, I'm glad I could help." That sounded too sullen, so I added in, "You know I'm always at your service."
"Oh, please," Helga rolled her eyes. "You're out for yourself."
"And what's wrong with that? Is it bad to be selfish once in a while or be selfish about something you really want?"
"And you really want me."
"I thought that was previously established," I said, still trying to play things cool. "But want makes it sound so carnal... can't you say that I like you and I would love to have a mutually fulfilling relationship?"
"Too much of a mouthful."
"I didn't know you were so lazy. That could potentially be a problem," I stroked my chin.
Helga sighed, "Look Sid, I didn't mean that I wanted to date you."
"Helga, I didn't mean I was being serious," I said, knowing I was pretty much fucking myself up the ass, but I just felt like I couldn't outright tell Helga how I felt about her. I had to do it in a roundabout way.
"Sure, Sid, whatever you say," Helga shrugged and put out her cigarette.
That whole exchange left me feeling strangely disappointed though. I might as well just go and date any other chick besides Helga because it was not happening any time soon. But the strange thing was, I couldn't see myself dating anybody besides Helga. Screwing, sure, but Helga wasn't a girl like that. Sure, I would get some satisfaction if I dicked her, but it just wouldn't be the same. She was a girl I wanted to spend time on.
I couldn't give up. Everything just had to fall into place.
–
Summer passed slowly. I spent most of it working, but I also recorded a shitton of music on my computer, some of it just with me, and some of it with the guys. We wrote original stuff, and we had a pretty decent sound. It wasn't a popular sound, but it was a good sound. I had bought a few new amps and pedals at the beginning of summer because I had saved up quite a bit of money over the period of time where I couldn't get into my bank account.
Speaking of Dad, I showed him some of what we recorded and he was surprised that we sounded all right. He said we could be on the radio some day. Maybe he was just being nice, but hearing that made me feel good. So to help me along, he offered to pay for some voice lessons for me. I agreed, because, hell, why not? You can always get better.
I didn't see Helga any more after school ended. I kind of hoped that she would come into work to buy some obscure record again, but it didn't happen. I was missing her like the love-sick sap I was. She must not have been missing me though, because she never responded to any of the texts I sent her, or returned my calls. I was starting to think maybe I just needed to take a damn hint.
But one day, I was slaving away over a hot cash register at work. Kevin was working with me and I had put a CD full of my band's stuff on, so it was playing in the store. Kevin came out of the stock room and sauntered up to me, laying his arm on the table as he fiddled with his mohawk with the other hand.
"So, uh, who's playing right now?" he asked.
"Over the speakers?" I asked, confused as to what he was asking, because that tended to happen sometimes. "It's me and my band. We don't have a name."
"Really?" I swear to God that man's jaw dropped to the floor. Oh come on, was it really that much of a stretch? "You're actually good!"
"And you thought I wasn't?" I gave him a look.
"Well, I didn't think you were anything with potential. But this is good, I'm digging this, it's very classic rock sounding, but it's got a lot of chunk and blues in the guitar. I thought you would sound different, something more..."
"Stonerish? Yeah, no, we like what we have going on," I said nonchalantly, even though I was pleased as piss that Kevin liked how we sounded.
"Could you make a few copies of that CD? If you and your friends don't mind, I could take them to a few places around town and see if I could get you guys a gig," Kevin said.
"Fuck, really?" I asked. "That would be so fuckin' awesome! I'll bring them tomorrow and leave them in the office."
"It should be easy, the music scene is totally dead here if you haven't noticed," Kevin said, giving the concert posters behind me a glare, like that would make all the local bands feel bad. "You guys don't sound like any of the dipshits who play around here, so everyone will be like, wow, shit, this is cool! We like these guys, they should play and make us monies!"
I laughed, "Well, let me know how it goes, I bet the guys will totally jump at the chance to play a real gig and not just something for school."
"Your school wanted you to play?"
"We played prom, I thought I told you that," I fiddled with my hair, pulling it out of its low ponytail and fixing it back up. It was too hot to wear it down.
"Dude, I'm on so much shit I don't remember what my name is sometimes," Kevin laughed.
"Well, just remember to get my band a gig, okay?" I said, seriously worried that Kevin would legit forget to give the CDs out.
"I'm shittin' ya, you little pussy, don't piss a fit," Kevin laughed, giving my arm a punch.
–
My phone was ringing. Fuck! Why was it ringing? It was six in the Goddamn morning. Six! What cruel bastard would call me at that time? I felt around my bed for my phone until I found it on the floor underneath a sock. Checking the Caller ID, I saw it was Kevin. He was such a little fucker.
I flipped my phone open and put it to my ear.
"What the hell d'you want? Why are you calling so early?" I mumbled, sitting up and pushing my hair out of my face.
"I come bearing good news! And I took a bunch of Adderall, so I haven't gone to sleep yet, but that's not important! Three places want you to play, and I have graciously took over as your manager."
"Well, awesome. I don't see why this couldn't wait until like... one in the afternoon, though," I said as I stuck a cigarette in my mouth and lit it.
"Because one of the places wants you to play tonight since their other band suddenly cancelled. And I need to let them know by ten am."
"Hah! Good fucking luck, like anyone else will be up before noon, what's the place though?" I said, taking a deep drag on my cig. The first one of the day was always the best.
"They kind of need an opener for Gilgamesh at The People's Court," Kevin said.
"Opening for Gilgamesh? How the hell did you land that?" I nearly shouted at Kevin.
Gilgamesh was one of the few good local bands, and one the few to make it big. They had just gone on tour after launching their first album, which I had to buy. And they were coming to play here? I had no idea that they were coming otherwise I would have bought a concert ticket, but now I could open for them! We had to play!
"You're talking to the son of the guy who helped get them signed," Kevin said. "They trust our judgement, so don't blow this for me, Siddy."
"I won't, just, just say we'll do it and I'll make sure the guys do it," I said.
"Oh, and I took the liberty of choosing a name for you guys, you're now the Kevin Pussy Wagon Band," Kevin laughed.
"You're bullshitting me," I nearly dropped the cigarette out of my mouth.
"'Course I am. I named you Slow Turning Tide. You can always change it. Catch you tonight, bro," Kevin said and hung up.
After that I repeatedly called Harold until he picked up. He was very angry sounding at being called at seven in the morning but at that point I didn't care.
"What? What? Did you get arrested?" Harold groaned.
"No... not yet. But we are opening for Gilgamesh tonight at The People's Court, so be there!" I said. "Actually, come over to my house about eleven, and we can practice.
"Holy shit, are you on drugs?" Harold asked.
"No. Not yet. I'm dead serious, we're really opening for them."
–
Around noonish, Harold, Allen, and Stinky were all at my house, figuring out what songs we would play, and practising meticulously until we were sure we had every song down and wouldn't make a mistake even if we were smashed out of our minds. We all understood that this was a giant opportunity and we were real lucky just to get it. I was so nervous.
We were in the middle of a song when my phone rang. I picked up right away when I saw it was Kevin.
"What up?"
"Yo, you should get your shit down to The People's court by six, they want you to start playing by eight," Kevin said.
"It's nearly six now!" I said in exasperation.
"Well hurry your shit up then!" Kevin said and hung up.
"Let's pack up and go, we need to be down there by six, I guess," I said.
"What the fuck? I will kick this guys ass," Harold crossed his arms.
"He's the guy who got us the gig, so no kicking of his ass will take place, no matter how much he deserves it."
–
Dad agreed to let me borrow his car for the night on the condition that I return it in one piece, so we are able to get all our equipment to The People's Court by splitting it between Harold's station wagon and Dad's Grand Ville. I knew he really was supporting me because he loved that car like a second son. Or maybe like his first born. Either way, I would be dead if I fucked up anything on that car.
That didn't stop me from driving like a maniac, because that's just how I drive. Allen and I blasted Gilgamesh as we drove to The People's Court. We kept the top of the Grand Ville down and rolled around generally feeling like badasses.
When we were waiting at a stoplight, another car full of punks pulled up right next to us. They had their windows down and I could tell they were smoking a joint. The passenger looked over at us and nodded his head in approval. A girl with her lip pierced stuck her hand out and made the metal horns going, "Gilgamesh!"
"Fuck yeah!" the whole car answered.
I grinned and turned the music up. We sat there rocking out until honks behind us clued us in that the light had turned green. I had thought about telling them that I was opening for Gilgamesh tonight, but then I thought better of it because that sounded pretty pretentious.
Kevin was waiting outside The People's Court, pointing at us to pull around back, so we did. Kevin said that most everything was already set up, all we needed to do was get our amps and pedals and Harold's drum kit in place, so it would be a lot easier than setting up for prom.
Inside the building, there were already people milling around, some with drinks in their hand. We were all on stage doing sound checks of our instruments and our microphones. I felt almost like a real musician, being on a real stage with a real audience.
As the time for us to play got closer and closer, I grew more and more nervous. Mainly I just stood out back, chaining cigarettes with Allen, who was just as nervous as I was. Harold and Stinky were out mingling or something. God knows what they were doing.
Too soon, someone who worked for The People's Court stuck his head outside the door and told us that we were needed inside; we were about to go on stage. Allen and I exchanged looks, then snubbed out our cigarettes and headed inside. I was stating to feel pretty queasy, both from nerves and from the fact that I had just chained about five cigarettes.
The person who had clued Allen and me in on the fact that we needed to be inside was also the guy who let us know when we needed to walk on stage. Harold went first, then Stinky, Allen, and finally me. I picked up my guitar from its little stand and got it all adjusted so it was comfortable before I walked up to the microphone.
"Hey, well, we aren't exactly Ice Blue Balls, they couldn't make it. We're Slow Turning Tide, every bit as local as Gilgamesh, so enjoy the fuckin' show!" I said, attempting to sound as confident as I could.
As Harold beat out the first few counts of our opening song, I looked out into the crowd and saw a flash of familiar blonde hair. No way, she couldn't be here! Did Helga even like Gilgamesh? They were a little soft on the spectrum of metal, considering she enjoyed the likes of Blut Aus Nord. Well, she must, or maybe she was here for Ice Blue Balls, but they were more hardcore and I don't think she liked hardcore... fuck! Here she was, getting me all distracted again and I didn't even know if she was really here!
Luckily, my mind focused on music again as I started to play, belting out, "Let's be gentle now/ I'm Brooklyn bound/ Ridin' the train for nothin'/ All I care about is your sound."
I couldn't tell if people were grooving on us at first, but as soon as we got more songs under our belt, people started throwing up the horns and their fists as we played. I still couldn't believe that we were playing a real gig and people actually liked us! These were people who had paid real money for the music alone, and not just for a stupid dance which happened to have music. It was a great feeling. I could do this for the rest of my life.
Towards the end our performance, we started to play a song I had written about Helga. Now I would be real embarrassed if she was actually in the audience and heard me sing it. It was probably just my luck and she really was there in the audience. But what did I care any more? Nothing I did or said worked, and it never would.
I started playing the chords for the song, which was real slow and bluesy and well, omphy, for lack of a better word.
"Goddamn, girl, just let me, unh!/ Can't you see I'm burnin' up/ Just to feel your touch, like fire?/ Put it on, take it off/ I don't care, all I want/ is for another taste of that slow burn," I sang, Helga on my mind.
In my head I sang that song better than I ever had before. I just hoped the people in the audience got an idea of how I felt about Helga. She really was a fire, always in the back of my head. Helga sat there, burning through my thoughts until I talked with her again and things exploded into a full-fledged flame that burned for days.
It'll be impossible to get over her. Every girl I meet from now on will always be compared to her. I'm always going to be looking for Helga. I'm always going to be looking for her sense of humour, her wit, her sarcasm, her attitude, I'm always going to be searching to find someone who makes me feel like Helga does.
Too soon, we had finished performing. I was surprised, that went quicker than I thought. How could it be over already? But people were cheering and clapping and really seemed to enjoy us.
I grinned and threw up my fist, giving everyone the horns, "Thanks guys! We'll get off here so you guys can see who you really want to see!"
Some employees of The People's court helped us get our stuff off the stage and then told us we should stay until after Gilgamesh finishes playing, to get our cut of pay for the night. Once our stuff was off the stage, we loaded it back into our cars. Allen, Harold, and Stinky all headed back inside to watch Gilgamesh play, but I stayed outside to have a cigarette.
Not long after I had lit up, Kevin stuck his head out the door to congratulate me on a show well played. He said I didn't suck too much, so I took that as we sounded all right. I mean, what did Kevin know, he was doped up on Adderall and God knows what else.
I told him thanks and went on with my cigarette. The door opened again and I didn't think anything of it until a very familiar person was standing directly in front of me with her arms crossed and a scowl on her face.
"Are you trying to stalk me in everything I do?" Helga asked.
"No... I didn't even know you liked Gilgamesh. It's not like I shot Ice Blue Balls so I could play in their place. C'mon, this is my first show, can't you be nice?" I made puppy dog eyes.
"Fine. I actually enjoyed listening to you. I might consider buying a CD. Are you happy?" Helga asked.
"Yeah, pleased as piss," I said, taking another drag off my cigarette. I'm kind of glad that she hasn't mentioned the song I sang about her just yet.
"And what was with that song? Slow Burn?" Helga decided to light up as well.
"Well, I could lie and say a bunch of stupid shit, but I wrote that song about you," I flicked the butt of my cigarette into the street.
For once, Helga didn't have anything to say. She looked pensive as she smoked her cigarette, with her blue eyes gazing at passing cars. I wondered what she was thinking about. Pulling out another cigarette, I lit up and blew out a cloud of smoke.
"How's Gilgamesh playing?" I asked, just to break the silence.
"Fine," Helga said quietly. "Sound awesome."
"Sweet, well, I'm gonna go in and finish watching them," I said, shorting my cigarette and making to go inside.
"Hold up, Dick Nose," Helga said sharply.
"Yeah?" I paused at the door, arm poised to pull the door open.
"I've been doing some thinking," Helga started.
About how to get your panties on the floor, my mind finished the sentence with a Puddle of Mudd song, to my chagrin.
"And I guess that we could try something out. As long as you're not a slimy bastard," Helga said. "You can be... decent sometimes and I figure you'd be better than some jerkass."
"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" I turned away from the door to face Helga. "And when am I a slimy bastard?"
"You're one all the time," Helga huffed, eyes narrowed. "And yes. Don't make a big fuckin' deal over it."
"I'm offended," I said, but inside I was practically exploding with joy. I couldn't keep an ear-to-ear grin off my face. "Deeply, truly offended."
"Somehow, I doubt it," Helga rolled her eyes.
"Well, can I kiss you?" I asked with that fire burning in the pit of my stomach. Helga had ignited it again, turning that slow burn into a raging flame.
"I said I could go a whole lifetime without being kissed by you," Helga said.
"Well, then I don't exactly see how it's gonna work out, because that's what you do sometimes with someone you like," I said.
"I knew it! I give you an inch and you want in my pants," Helga puts her hands on her hips.
"What? Well, of course I want in your pants, who wouldn't? But for real, like I could force that on you. Please. A kiss doesn't have to lead to that every single time!" I threw my hands up.
Here she was being... Helga again! God! She infuriated me and pissed me off and yet I was still drawn to her, attracted to her, and amazed by her. She drove me fucking nuts, and I loved it.
I realized that as we were arguing, I had been backing Helga into the wall, so I took a few steps back and pushed my hair out of my face. The last thing I needed was to make Helga feel like she had made a mistake and I was some creepy, controlling freak. That'd give her a great impression of me.
"I shouldn't have said what I said, it was a mistake, forget it," Helga said, sounding irritated as she threw a hand up, a motion that said something along the lines of I give up.
Against my better judgement, I took hold of her arm and spun her around to face me. She looked at me with those blazing eyes for a heart-pounding second before I put my other hand around her waist and pulled her up against me, so I could set my lips on hers.
I made sure that kiss was damn good, because it was probably the only one I was ever going to get. I made it as passionate and hungry and just, Goddamn her... that was the sexiest closed-mouth kiss I had every given anyone at least. Helga was stiff as a board in my arms, so I pulled back and let her go.
She just stood there, her eyes still snapping; it was the strangest thing I had ever seen. All at once they were icy cold yet blazing hot. I wondered if my eyes looked the same way to her. They probably just looked the same dirt brown they always looked, but I wanted them to look fierce and blazing.
"There! Fuck! You can leave me out in the fucking cold now, but at least you know how I feel about you!" I said, a little louder than I had intended.
It always seemed to come to this, me confronting Helga outside, being a dumbass, and doing something that will just piss her off and make things agonizing for me. She was some fucking drug and I couldn't get away from her. And each time, I knew it was bad for me, but still, I did it anyway. That's what she was. She was a drug.
"Leave you out in the cold? I just said... never mind, you know, you're... fuck you, Sid!" Helga said, her voice raised. "I... ugh! You won't get out from under my skin, and I hate it! I don't want you there! You just... put yourself there and hope that I give you a break! Like you've ever been any sort of subtle with your feelings!"
"Like I want to be so infatuated with you either! I could get any girl I really wanted, but no, you're all I want, I can't get you out of my head! Do you know how much it sucks to want someone so much and know that they'll never feel the same way about you?"
We had drawn closer again during the midst of our shouting, I swear, it was like the club all over again. I just kept watching her sparking eyes. Never had anyone made me feel this way, it was like every nerve in my body was awake and alive. My heart was pounding and I wanted to jump into the street and run a fucking marathon.
Helga locked her eyes on mine and gave me a look that nearly killed me. Her voice was ice cold when she spoke, "I do know, and I know how great life can be if they do feel the same way about you. That's why I though, oh, I should give Sid a chance, but now I see that you don't even deserve it!"
It was like a bucket of ice water had been dumped on me, suddenly I knew exactly what, or who, she was talking about. Arnold. She felt or feels... the same way about Arnold that I do about her.
"Well fuck!" I balled my hands up into fists and out of lack of an outlet for my anger, I punched the brick wall, which was a very stupid idea. My hand instantly erupted into a hot bed of pain that nearly drove me to the ground. I gripped my smarting hand with my good one and looked up at Helga again.
She was right next to me, so close I could see the freckles on her face. Fuck everything. Just fuck it all. I uncurled my probably broken hand and pulled Helga to me again, capturing her beautiful lips in another kiss. All I wanted for her to feel was the sparks that I felt, how her lips were absolutely electric, how it didn't even matter that my hand was most likely broken, or that people on the sidewalk were staring.
I was a dumbass. I was a slimy bastard, but I didn't even care. I didn't even care.
Helga turned me around and pushed me back into the wall. I couldn't tell if it was an warning, saying, stop kissing me or I will call the cops on you, or Christ, I hate this but love it all at the same time. I was severely hoping it was the latter rather than the former. And I nearly shit my pants when Helga started to return the kiss, almost with the same intensity and passion.
God, Helga was going to absolutely destroy me.
I wound my good hand in her hair, then gingerly slid my still smarting hand from her cheek to her waist, feeling the warmth from her body against my skin. The kiss was so ferocious, yet still so chaste. I was used to girls using their tongues, their teeth, kissing was just something to occupy their mouth while other things happened. But this was Helga. She wasn't like other girls. And she was driving me mad.
Helga pulled back and looked at me. Her eyes were still snapping. She didn't have anything to say, and neither did I. I think our actions kind of spoke for themselves. And my pants. They kind of gave how I was feeling away.
Well, I suppose I did have at least one thing to say, "I think I broke my hand. We should go to the ER."
–
And about 40k words later, we just finally get to them doing something. And I believe I'm only about halfway done. Wow, this is the once story I can just write. As soon as I get grooving on writing Sid/Helga interaction, I can just keep going and going...
Anyway, I'm really trying to convey an intense passion between Sid and Helga. It's not ideal, Sid's kind of obsessed and Helga is just a passionate person, and when they get together, they just kind of explode and not in good ways.
Also, even though I'm not going to write explicit sex in this story, I'm trying to show how intense and passionate other things (like kissing!) can be, and that sex doesn't always have the be the most intimate thing two people can do. Hopefully it's not too over the top. I know I don't feel electricity when I kiss people, but sometimes I find that a good kiss can be just as much of a turn on as other things because they're just so... umph.
ANYWAY. A big big thanks to all of you that read and review and enjoy this story! I appreciate you tons!
