The Big Hellsing Chapter Nine

A Cullen Moment

Disclaimer: My butt hurts and I have no more patience for these disclaimers

It was an hour until sunrise and all was quiet in the Cullen home. Esme sat down in the kitchen. She was thoroughly horrified. She had gone and done the unthinkable. In a fit of anger she had gone and struck Carlisle. Worse than struck him, she'd kicked him in the jewels and yelled at him

In her own eyes she had crossed a line. She was now worse than the monster Alucard. So there she sat in the kitchen that nobody ever ate in, holding a cup of coffee that she never ever intended to brew. She just sat there, the coffee had gone long cold, but she had hardly noticed.

Carlisle was going to return from work at the Hospital's graveyard shift. Esme had absolutely no idea how she was going to be able to look Carlisle in the face when he entered through the door that had a massive Edward shaped hole in it. All the while, the emotion fear was eating at Esme's insides like a tapeworm in need of psychiatric help.

Esme had already played a dozen scenarios over in her mind. Every single one of them involved Carlisle yelling at her or leaving her. If Carlisle was to yell at her or be angry, Esme would be shattered beyond repair. Once more she'd become that woman who threw herself off a cliff only to be discovered by Carlisle in the morgue. If Carlisle were to leave her, she'd kill herself. Or at least she would try and find a way to die.

From nowhere, the velvety voice of Alucard rung out, "Carlisle would never leave you. Nor would he yell at you, ever". He paused as if he were going to say something that he was unsure about, "He would never leave you. But if you decided to leave, he would not stop you. If it is your decision to leave, the side of the No-Life King always has an available space next to the throne".

That didn't at all sound like a bad idea to Esme. If Carlisle left her then Alucard should have no problem in ending her existence. Without Carlisle there at her side, life was not worth living. She would never consider a place in Alucard's bed. That demon in man's shape reminded her all too much of the abusive husband who had ruled her life as a human. He was smooth and he could be charming when it suited him, but it was all a ruse to hide the monstrous intentions underneath.

Suddenly Rosalie's voice came from out of nowhere, "What the hell are you doing in my room you son of a bitch"!

Actually their voices weren't coming from nowhere. Alucard responded to Rosalie's outrage, "I'm doing what it looks like I'm doing. I'm talking to Esme through the system of heating vents in your home".

"Then why the hell are all my clothes on the floor and my favorite pair of panties missing"!

"Oh that, I ate them".

"WHAT"!

"The cotton pair of panties with the rose in the middle of the front and a no entry sign on the backside. I ate that pair. Even as a human, cotton wrapped around a woman's nether regions was always delectable. I'm strange in that way".

Rosalie screamed at Alucard, "I'll kill you pervert"!

"People tougher than you have tried". For the next minute or so, sounds came from Rosalie's room. For a few seconds there was the sound of fists hitting flesh. Then there was the sound of furniture being smashed, that was probably Alucard. Then came the sound of something flying through the side of the house, probably a bed or a desk. Immediately after that, there were three gunshots in rapid succession. "That's why they call me King of Vampires. Sorry about the damage Esme, I'll clean it up as best as I can".

Esme neither heard nor cared for Alucard's scuffle with Rosalie. Her attention was given solely to the kitchen clock. Each tick of the clock seemed to bring closer and closer the moment that she dreaded and did not know how to handle. Esme stood as still as a statue, watching the hands of the clock signal her doom.

It wasn't long before an hour became a half hour, a half hour became fifteen minutes and fifteen minutes became five. Esme heard the telltale signs of Carlisle's car approaching the house, her coffee hand shook ever so slightly. Carlisle pulled up into the Cullen's garage and the hand holding the coffee began to shake slightly more. Carlisle began to walk out of the garage and towards the front door. Carlisle began to walk up the front steps of the house and now Esme was shaking all over. Coffee spilled in small amounts down her beautiful hand.

Finally, Carlisle entered through the door that still had a large Edward shaped hole in it. Carlisle stepped through the door, glad to be home for the moment. Things had been very hard at the hospital where he worked at. They'd received a nearly incinerated body at the hospital for autopsy. Near the start of the autopsy the supposedly dead man had come to life and bitten the lady doctor aiding him. Before he knew what was going on the incinerated man had leapt out a window and the person he had bitten was spirited away by a strange man with a black trench coat and a sword.

Truthfully, Carlisle was also sad to be returning home. He wasn't angry at Esme for striking him earlier, but she probably thought he was. Poor Esme was one of the gentlest souls that he knew; it wasn't in her nature to be vindictive or even angry for any length of time. But when he saw her through the Edward shaped hole, Carlisle was shocked.

If Esme were human instead of Unstet, she would have had tears streaming down here face. She sat in a chair, spilling coffee everywhere and on her heart shaped face was a look of the most intense regret and sadness. Whole body quaking like a leaf, she squeaked out, "Carlisle".

Wasting no time, Carlisle opened the damaged door and ran to comfort Esme. Carlisle's wife could stand it no longer; she dropped the coffee mug with the shattering tinkle of porcelain and the splash of cold liquid. In Carlisle's strong grip, she wept bitterly. She choked and sobbed, as though trying to force tears that she could not shed.

Carlisle tried to reassure her, like a small and frightened child, "Shhhh, Esme. What's all this about".

To even say it made her heart burn with shame, "I hit you. I yelled at you". Esme screamed with positive misery.

Carlisle hugged his wife closer to him, "Esme, please stop crying. I'm not mad with you. You're the one that should be mad".

Esme shook her head, "No, no Carlisle, what I did was wrong. I should have never done what it was I did"!

"Esme, after what I told you, I should have expected something of the like". Carlisle placed either hand on the face of his one true love, "Please Esme, just look me in the eye. If it's forgiveness you ask, you never needed too".

Raising her face from Carlisle's shoulder, Esme looked up by slow increments. Finally, her topaz eyes met the topaz eyes of her one true love. With that look she remembered what she already knew. She cried out to him, "Oh Carlisle". Her voice was so full of affection and desire that it seemed that the collective love of all women was residing in her tender voice.

She and Carlisle embraced once more, this time far more tightly. Both lovers did not need to say a thing. They embraced like they were never going to let go. They became as near to one being as anybody, human or vampire, could possibly expect to get. In a flash, Esme kissed Carlisle passionately on the lips. Carlisle pushed forward into the kiss, forcing his tongue into Esme's eager mouth.

Esme moaned at Carlisle's pure manliness, she reached her hand down his pants in order to find something that she very much wanted. And then she froze like a rabbit in the gaze of a serpent.

Right behind Carlisle something hung from the ceiling like a bat. The thing in question was Alucard, whose red eyes shone in the fading darkness like rubies. He was grinning wildly; he had been enjoying the show before Esme noticed him. Frankly he was hoping that it would take her longer to notice him. "Sorry to interrupt with the Love Doctor Esme", Alucard winked at Carlisle was now as shocked as Esme, "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that I beat Rosalie's head into the carpet and shot her three times in the head. But I cleaned up my mess and you'd never know that we fought at all".

Carlisle managed to recover his composure and for the moment forget about the raging hard on which Alucard was causing to go limp. "Thank you Alucard for pointing that out, could you please avoid the kitchen for the next twenty minutes"?

Alucard held up both his hand and laughed, "Of course Carlisle, I'd be happy to oblige you. Just let me get my coffin from the car". Alucard started to walk along the ceiling as if it happened all the time. Momentarily Alucard turned around, "Oh Carlisle don't forget those tips I gave you on sex all those years ago. They did wonders for me and they'll do wonders for you".

"Yes Alucard, I'll remember what you said". Actually the first thing that Carlisle wanted to do was forget what Alucard had told him about sexuality all those years ago. For Alucard, the more wild and exotic sex was the better. It was less so for Alucard.

On his way to the 1970 Chevy Nova Alucard was reminded of how badly he wanted to fuck Esme. He was also reminded of that upstart Jasper. Jasper was no woman but he was actually pretty enjoyable. Alucard liked the way he screamed.

Boca Raton, the here and now

Alice sat with Jasper in the most expensive hotel in Boca Raton. It wasn't quite accurate to say that she was sitting with him. More like she was sitting next to him while he ignored her and acted sullen. Right after Alucard raped Jasper, the pair had gone on an impromptu trip. Jasper did not want to hang around and have Edward discover his thoughts and realize the things that Alucard had done to him.

The physical damage that Alucard had done to Jasper healed quickly enough. Alucard had beaten him and even bit him a few times during that horrible half hour. And then there was also the fact that Alucard was a large man. He was as well hung as he was tall, which is to say that he was larger than average. Yes, Jasper did not have any fun during that horrible half hour.

Alice tried to shake Jasper out of his brooding, "Well, Boca sure is nice around this time of year". The silence that hung in the air was as awkward as any. Finally Alice tried pleading, "Come on Jasper, snap out of it".

Jasper responded coldly, "I'm fine there's nothing wrong with me. I love getting

ass-raped by frisky Nosferatu".

Alice tried to explain once more, "It was for the best".

"It sure as hell didn't feel like it. It hurt". Jasper's injuries had healed but the damage to his feelings would take much more effort to repair.

"We've been over this, his master ordered him to "show you the time of your life", he couldn't disobey his master".

Jasper snapped at Alice, "Yeah I know, he wanted to eat my brains but settled on me eating his undead dick". He sat up in the bed, "Honestly Alice, he didn't do anything to you. How can you even begin to understand what happened to me"? He started again, "All you had to do was drip holy water on his balls"!

"I'd know better than you think Jasper", she was starting to get a bit miffed with Jasper and his attitude.

Jasper was horrified, "Did he fuck you too? I'll kill that son of a bitch"!

Alice pursed her lips, "No he didn't fuck me, but he wasn't exactly compassionate towards me".

The Cullen Residence, Alucard's fun time

"My master wished for me to punish Jasper Whitlock, or should I say Cullen". Alucard stood with Alice in her and Jasper's room. In person he was even more terrifying than he had been in her vision.

Alucard continued, "But you and Carlisle have convinced me to show leniency towards your mate. So lenience is what I will show, and so much more". With that, Alucard took off his hat and glasses. Then he promptly took off his long duster which was followed by his dress jacket. When Alucard took off the ribbon he wore around his neck Alice got worried.

She asked, "What are you doing". Really she didn't need to ask, she had seen what would happen during a vision while Alucard and Carlisle were discussing.

"You're the one with the far Seeing Eye, figure it out", Alucard tossed his dress shirt to the ground. Pausing for a moment, Alucard marveled at his physique. He was lean and thin, but his muscles were very well defined. He definitely looked like Robert De Niro in his physical prime. And chest hair, Alucard had that in Abundance. The only person with more chest hair was Paladin Anderson. Alucard began to take his belt off as he told Alice, "Reach into the left side of my duster, you'll find a large jug of extra virgin olive oil. I want you to rub me down".

Alice hadn't seen this in her vision, "Excuse me".

Alucard was now down to his red silk underwear, "MOVE IT TINKERBELL", he bellowed like an angry bull.

Alice found the olive oil easily enough, but she turned around, she was greeted by a naked Nosferatu. Alucard was totally nude except for his own body hair and his gloves. "Now, rub me down woman".

With the greatest reluctance Alice started to rub down Alucard with the olive oil. Her small pixy like hands worked over Alucard's undead flesh with skill that suggested that she did this often with Jasper. As she rubbed him down Alucard commanded, "Rub me ALL over now Alice".

Alice's small delicate hands began to work ALL over Alucard's body now. As he started to work over his masculine organs, Alucard shuddered and cackled, "Who's your Boyar, who's your boyar? I'M YOUR BOYAR, HA HA".

Now, Boca Raton

Jasper was completely aghast, "Oh my gracious God, he did that to you? That motherfucker actually made you touch him"! He cried out in outrage, "Why didn't you tell me about this"?

"I didn't want you to have too much on your mind".

"Are you kidding, you should have told me sooner. I'd have greased him up myself".

Alice was warmed by his statement, but she would rather have had done the job herself the whole way and spared Jasper the torment, "I know you would have. I was going along with it because according to a vision there was a chance that he'd go for me and forget all about you".

Jasper snatched up his wife as though he was afraid Alucard would steal her away, "Don't you ever say that! Ever! I'd let that guy fuck me a million times before I let him lay a finger on you. That, or I'd shove a crucifix up his ass and ask him how he likes it".

"Jasper, you have no idea what I'd like to do to that son of a whore". Alice put as much venom in her voice as possible.

Jasper was mostly over his funk and was now thinking of something else, "Come her; let me show you what I'd do to you"! He pounced on his wife with such force that they flew off the bed and went right through the bathroom wall.

From behind the bathroom wall, Alice demanded huskily, "Just do me Jasper". And he did.

Forks, Washington, the Swan Residence

"Actually it was kind of scary"

"I know, only too well".

"I mean, one minute we were having dinner and then both Emily and Leah had this look all of the sudden".

"I know Bella, I'm just glad that they didn't touch you".

"I'm glad too. It was just so weird though. They get this look like something spooked them or touched them and then they look at each other in this way that's totally wrong".

"Monstrous", Edward could find no better word for it.

"They just looked at each other and then they started acting weird. They began to reach out and touch each other". Seeing Edward's disgusted look Bella elaborated, "I mean on the shoulders and hands".

"That's foul". Edward did not believe in sexual relations between women, in his own mind, the chickens needed a rooster.

"I thought they were drugged. They were breathing heavy and weaving around. The funny thing was I didn't feel a thing. And I'd been eating the exact same food as they did".

"It wasn't drugs Bella. A Nosferatu cast a spell on the town and the nearby regions".

Bella was having a hard time getting used to the fact that a magic spell had made Emily and Leah turn into wild frothing lesbians. "I thought you said that vampires couldn't do all those things, turn into bats and the like"? Edward had not been the first to reach Bella, Alucard had been first.

"My kind of vampire can't Bella. He was Nosferatu; they're the ones that do all those things. They can walk through walls, defy gravity, turn into mist or bats and a whole host of other powers. That one that "rescued" you, that was Count Dracula".

Now this Bella simply refused to believe, "That tall guy in red that flew in like a bat and scared Emily and Leah into bowing before him; you're saying that he's Count Dracula"? He sure as hell didn't look like Bella expected Count Dracula to look, "He looked very gay. Are you sure that he wasn't Lestat"?

Edward flashed his crooked grin, time to show off a little more of that vampire's inside knowledge, "I'm sure that it wasn't Lestat. Carlisle would have known".

"Wait a minute Edward; you're saying that Interview with a Vampire is real"? Just as Bella thought that life couldn't show her any more surprises she'd once more been thrown for a loop. "So what else is real"?

Bella's wide eyes and gaped mouth expression was utterly enamoring and cute to Edward, "Have you heard of that book 30 Days of Night"?

"Yeah we studied it in English class. It was a crappy book, but it's real"!

"It's as real as I am Bella. The disaster in Barrow wasn't the first time the Vrykolakas have practiced mass carnage".

Bella brushed back her brown hair and laughed, "Whoa, that's a revelation. Hey, wanna see the bruises I got in Emily's house". Bella started to raise the legs of her pajama bottoms.

Edward was horrified by the large bruises on Bella's shins and knees, "Oh my God Bella, why didn't you tell me that you were injured".

Bella didn't appear at all miffed by her injuries; she'd had worse, "This is nothing, besides you know how easily I heal".

Still Edward persisted, "Are you cut in any way"? He found the scent of Bella's blood intoxicating enough when it was inside of her body. He seriously did not want to have to test his willpower against his body's hunger for Bella's blood, again.

"No Edward, I'm not cut. I just tripped over some furniture while I was at Emily's place".

"Running away from your sexual assailant's I presume".

"No, I was running from the Dracula guy. At first I though he looked sort of funny, then I saw the fangs on the guy. Then I realized that I'd better get running. I've never run so fast in my life".

"Did he harm you"? It was the tenth time he asked that question.

"No he didn't. He just said, "You're not affected by the spell". After that he grabbed me and flew away with me. That was the scariest thing that's ever happened to me".

"Scarier than when you and I made the mistake of watching the Exorcist with Jasper".

"Second scariest then".

Sunnydale, California, 6:00 pm

Rupert Giles climbed out of his car. Today had been an especially long day at work, his job as the librarian of the Sunnydale High School was no picnic. On top of that, he was the watcher assigned to watch over the current slayer. So, his having to guide Buffy the vampire slayer and deal with all the little bastards at Sunnydale High meant that he was gaining grey hairs at a fantastic rate. For now, he just wanted to watch a spot of television and maybe enjoy a spot of gin. Life had other plans for Rupert Giles, however.

No sooner had Guiles left his vehicle a car tore around the corner and screeched to a halt in front of his home. Out of the car stepped five men, three of which were holding baseball bats. The group of men were dressed like business men, but had the facial expressions and the work skills of street thugs. The leader of the group, a middle aged man with an annoying nasal Jersey accent and dull red hair stepped forward. The group's leader introduced his band of men, "Hello, Mister Giles. We're from Jersey. Tony Soprano needs some spare change". Ralph Cifaretto looked to the thugs with the aluminum baseball bats, "So boys, go and ask Mister Guiles for some spare change".

Like vampires after blood, the bat men went after Rupert. Guiles tried to run towards the house where he could access an ax or a gun, anything to defend himself with. He was familiar with self defense techniques, but they wouldn't do much good against three gangsters with bats.

Unfortunately for Rupert, the gangsters could run faster than he could and proceeded to beat him to a pulp with their aluminum bats. Ralph looked on the downed watcher getting pummeled with a silent and sadistic satisfaction. Ralphie looked to the remaining man in his crew, "Come on Johnny, let's go see if this douche has any valuables he doesn't need anymore".

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That's wraps this edition ladies and gents. I hope that it was satisfactory. I'll be back, just not sure when. Leave me reviews, it doesn't matter what you say. I love all review equally, even if you only tell me that I suck. In which case, expect heavy breathing at night in your bedroom. On a last note, I dare somebody to do a fic that graphically depicts Alucard's fun with Jasper. That's all folks.