A/N: I am so sorry for not updating sooner! I won't do it again promise!!! Anyhow this Chapter 9 is long (trying to suck up here guys)....
ENJOY!!!
Jeremy Tarzinski suffered three gunshot wounds to his body, one in his right thigh and two to the chest. The shots to the chest caused the aorta to tear, which lead to exsanguinations within minutes. His left hand was….
Stella stopped writing her report in the middle of her sentence. She couldn't concentrate – her thoughts were elsewhere and staring at page after page of neat black writing was beginning to irritate her. Her head was pounding and her heart was aching as the reality began to finally sink in. She would be leaving, truly leaving, the NYPD in less than a month.
Stella tapped her foot impatiently for several minutes, and then she threw her pen on the table and stood up heading for the break room, needing coffee before she could even contemplate finishing her report. Or at least, attempting to finish it. But before she could reach the break room, she heard a voice call her name.
Her heart sank, even as her logical mind knew she should be ecstatic. She swallowed hard and took a deep breath, waiting until she could force a smile before she turned around. Brian walked towards her, face lit up like a million different lights on a Christmas tree, which only made Stella's heart sink further. She couldn't move as he came closer, feeling as if she were stuck to the floor. Dimly, she realized that if she could move, she would want to run in a different direction. When he reached her, Brian pulled her into a tight hug and kissed the top of her head as he ran his fingers through her curls.
"Hi, honey! I missed you so, so much!" Brian said in his rough voice.
When she could do so without seeming rude, she pulled back from Brian, pasting the fake smile on her face again. To keep the smile in place required more effort than she'd realized.
"Hi, Brian. What brings you here?" She wondered if he noticed her voice was lifeless and flat.
"Well, I'm done with my shift already and was just checking to see how my baby's doing on her first day back." Apparently not, relief swayed over her as she realized that she put on a better front that she'd realized.
Stella's body went numb when Brian's words sank in, and she spun around to look at the clock, only to find that technically, she was almost done. In a strange, ironic twist of fate, she remembered the paperwork on her desk that she'd not yet finished and she exhaled in relief when she realized she had a reason to stay in the building for a little longer. And maybe, just maybe, a miracle would happen and she would be able to get Mac out of her thoughts so that she could get on with her life with Brian.
"I'm doing great but I think I will need to pull a little overtime today." When she saw his face fall, she tried to explain herself.
"You know the first day back and all. Paperwork and reports have been stacking up for weeks and I need to get them all done before we leave..." She trailed off, not looking him in the eye.
Meanwhile, a little voice in the back of her head shouted: You don't need to explain yourself to him! This is your job! He knows that, and he also knows what it's like to have to do overtime! Don't let him make you feel guilty!
"Stella, I think you should come home. You don't want to rush yourself on the first day back and ruin your recovery. I don't think paper work will run away anywhere anytime soon." Brian said, eyes pleading.
"Brian I don't think…" Stella began, but stopped when a familiar voice cut her off.
"Stella, I think your fiancé is right, you should take the rest of the day off. It's your first day back, and besides since you'll... be leaving us soon, you won't be put on anymore cases unless absolutely necessary."
Mac's medium tenor voice filled her stomach with butterflies and her heart started beating in double time. She took deep breaths, fake smile slipping slightly as she tried to slow down her heart. It was beating so furiously that she would swear anyone could hear it.
"What? Does this mean….Stella?" A confused Brian looked at his fiancée and then at Mac, trying to get a hint that he was going in the right direction with his thoughts.
Stella tried to say something but nothing came out; a million questions flooded her restless brain. What should I say? Should I be happy? Why…I'm leaving…I…Grrr!
"I signed her transfer papers; as soon as she's ready she may go. You two have a nice day. I'll see you tomorrow Stella." With that Mac left, leaving Brian and Stella staring at one another.
Seconds later Stella felt arms around her and dimly, she registered Brian's happy voice saying something, but her brain couldn't organize anything he said. Even though her brain was on shutdown, she knew she was meant to be happy about this news, so she fixed her fake smile again and pretended. Pretended she was happy, pretended she was truly in love with Brian, pretended that she wasn't pining over Mac. She was so much happier pretending.
But as she recalled Mac's sad eyes, she felt her heart sink and she had to fight to keep up her pretences.
Taking a deep breath, Stella gathered all her things and walked outside into the rapidly cooling air. Brian talked all the way home, his happy voice barely registering. Stella tried to concentrate on his words, but it was like she were listening to a poor radio reception – she heard words and occasional phrases, but never full sentences. They were almost home by the time she realized he was talking about the wedding – who would be there, how happy his mother would be, how glad he was that Stella had done him to honor of agreeing to be his wife.
To her though, it wasn't so important any more. Instead of thoughts of the wedding ceremony, the honeymoon, her future life with Brian, her head was filled with thoughts of her job, her friends, Mac. Her whole life.
And she was leaving it all behind.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The next several days were just a blur for her. She lost her appetite and couldn't sleep; she avoided Mac as much as she could, not wanting to talk to him. Even when she managed to avoid him, his sad eyes haunted her. She found it difficult to be around Brian. His happy vibes upset her more than she liked to admit. The only things she could hope for were that it would get better at some point, that her heart would heal and not be plagued by thoughts of Mac, and that Brian wouldn't notice her odd behavior.
This night wasn't any different than any other night; when Brian came home from his late shift, she pretended she was sleeping. Brian would stroke her hair softly and whisper that he loved her, and would get into bed, curling his arms around her. She waited until he was deeply asleep, snoring lightly, before she unwrapped herself from his grasp, careful not to wake him. She left the bed and wandered into the living room, perching herself on the window seat and staring out of the open window. A light breeze swayed her hair, and tickled her face, causing her to smile lightly.
She looked outside into the quiet night, the bright lights of the city blurring together as she stared into space. Random thoughts floated through her mind, and she sighed, concentrating on the thoughts that kept her awake at night. She needed to figure out what she wanted once and for all.
'Does Mac love me?'
'No, that can't be true. He told me he didn't. It's not true.'
'He never said that. He said he couldn't. And that might have changed since then!'
"Couldn't, doesn't. Is there really that much of a difference?'
'But the look in his eyes?'
'You need a break Stella. You're just making it all up. You're sleep deprived and confused. You're projecting your own feelings onto Mac.'
'But do I still love him?'
"Stella?" A low sleepy voice called from behind her and she gasped, spinning around instinctively. She tried not to look too disappointed when she saw that it was Brian.
"Hey, why are you up?" Stella said, trying to act as if there were nothing wrong. As if she didn't sit at a window in the middle of the night, staring into space.
"I could ask you the same thing." Brian said taking few steps toward her, studying her face carefully.
Stella bit her lip.
"I….um…couldn't sleep…you know." She played with the hem of her shirt, hoping that he would just let it go.
Brian frowned.
"Hmmm, you've not slept properly in ages. And you've been doing this a lot. Is everything ok?" He stepped forwards so that now he was right in front of her, placing his big tan hand over Stella's olive toned cheek.
"What?"
He sighed.
"You've been at this window every single night since Mac signed your papers, I know it's hard letting go but…"
"But?"
Something inside told Stella that they were entering dangerous territory, and that she wouldn't like where the conversation was heading.
Brian exhaled heavily, looking towards the window then back again to Stella, as if he were trying to figure out what to say.
"Well, I know you're upset about leaving the lab, and leaving the city, and all your friends. And I get that, I really do. But I can't help but feel that there's something else, another reason that you're so hesitant to go. And... I think that reason is Mac. I think you still love him."
Stella's pulse picked up speed, and she felt like her heart would jump out of her chest, it was beating so fast. She opened her mouth, intending to deny it, but no words came out.
She heard Brian swallow hard.
"I see." The amount of pain in his words was unbearable, and he dropped his hand from her face, taking a few steps backwards and turning away from her.
"Brian…I…I…" But she couldn't form the words, couldn't deny what he'd accused her of.
"I don't believe this!" Brian turned on her, anger and betrayal visible in his eyes.
"After all he did? After how he hurt you? You still love him? I don't understand. I gave you everything he couldn't. I love you like he couldn't. And you still love him?"
Stella's eyes filled with tears, and she leant away from him as he paced the apartment furiously.
"I didn't know you were so pathetic." Brian spat at her, and she flinched as if he'd struck her, but once again no words could form in her mouth.
"You know what; I think we need a break. I can't be here right now. You need to figure out what you want. It's me or him. I'm going to stay at Sam's for tonight, and this weekend I'm going to Jersey to check up on some things."
He spun on his heel and headed for the door, hands clenched into fists at his side.
"No, it's not what you thi…" Stella followed him into the hallway, trying to undo what she's done. Brian stopped and turned slowly, his eyes full of revulsion as he glared at her.
"Until you can look me in the eye and say that you don't love him and that you'll leave with me by next week, I don't want to hear anything from you!"
Brain slammed the door behind him, the windows rattling with the force, and Stella collapsed against the wall, tears overflowing as she sobbed.
A/N: Guys please leave a review. All those people who never leave any comments please leave at least one. It makes me feel better knowing what you think...
For all that leave comments regularly I want to give a great thanks, you guys keep me going....Lots of Chocolates and bows to you guys, YOU R THE BEST!!!!
