ix)
With shadows I spend it all...
The day, weeks later, that Officer Bell was killed was the first time Sara had seen the unbreakable Sofia Curtis completely shattered. It wasn't just the presence of tears in her eyes. It was the uncertainty, the agony, the soul crushing guilt that was written all over her face.
"What happened?" Sara asked, as Sofia once again turned up on her doorstep. Sofia stood, lost and broken, and Sara took her by the hand, leading her inside to the sofa. It was eerily reminiscent of Sofia's first visit to the house. But this time the roles were reversed. Sara didn't know that to say, what to do. Gently she brushed a strand of hair out of the other woman's eyes.
"Sofia?" She asked hesitantly. "Tell me."
Sofia relayed the story of the the shooting that day, of her possible involvement. Sara could see it was tearing the other woman up. And it shocked her to see Sofia Curtis in such a state. It frightened her to see Sofia falling apart at the seams, when Sofia was the one who always kept everything together.
"It's not your fault." Sara said matter of factly. And that was the truth. "You were just doing your job."
Sofia looked away, clearly not reassured in the least by Sara's words.
"I can't stop thinking about it. I close my eyes and see his face, and hear that gun shot."
"You just have to put it out of your mind." Sara told her.
Sara Sidle felt a wave of self hatred wash over her. She had never felt as inadequate, as worthless, as she did in that moment. That moment where Sofia reached out to her, needing comfort so desperately. Sara longed more than anything to give it to her. She just didn't have the first idea how to go about it. So she sat. In silence. Powerless. Helpless. 'What do you want from me, Sofia? I don't have the magic words like you do. But I'm here for you, I am.' Sara pleaded silently.
"It's not your fault." Sara said again, her best attempt at comfort.
"Stop telling me it's not my fault, You don't understand." Sofia said bitterly as she jumped to her feet, heading for the door.
"Wait you cant just leave." Sara protested.
"Sorry. I'm not good company. I just want to go home." Sofia insisted.
"Wait a minute. All those times you told me, talk to me Sara, don't shut me out Sara, stop running away from me Sara, stop pushing me away Sara. Well now who is the one running away Sofia?"
"Damn it Sara, not everything is about you. A man lost his life today." Sofia said angrily.
"There isn't anything you can do about that now." Sara answered. She realised it sounded cold. She hadn't intended it so. But it was true. There was nothing Sofia could do about it, and there was nothing Sara could say to make it better.
Sofia Curtis shook her head sadly, and walked out of Sara's apartment, slamming the door behind her.
Sara Sidle knew there was murderous jealousy oozing out of every pore as she innocently entered the lab the next day and found Sofia and Grissom deep in conversation.
Sofia's head snapped up instantly as she realised the other woman's presence. She recognised that jealousy immediately. It's just that Sofia misinterpreted the object of the emotion. Sofia saw it as Sara being jealous of Sofia stealing Grissom's attention away. The way Sara had always been jealous if Grissom so much as looked at Sofia. If Grissom hadn't been standing there, Sofia would have told her 'Get over it Sara, the man doesn't even like me. He sent me off to the police force to keep you in his lab, to keep you away from me. You've always been his pet. And that's just the way you like it, isn't it Sara? You're only killing time with me until Grissom gives you the time of day, aren't you.'
Sara feels like she's been slapped in the face, to see Sofia there, so distressed, pouring her heart out to Grissom. To Grissom, and not to her. And it stung Sara like nothing she had ever experienced. Sofia had come to her house in her darkest hour, listened to her anguish, comforted her with words, with more than words. Sofia had saved her from the darkness. And where does Sofia turn in her hour of need? Not to Sara- because in Sofia's eyes Sara must be worthless. Sara must be so messed up that she hasn't the capability to see outside her own problems and help someone else. So Sofia turned to Grissom.
"You're supposed to be on administrative leave." Sara reprimanded her coldly, without so much as 'Good Morning Sofia, How are you?' Sara knows it's not Sofia she is angry with, its her own inadequacy. But once again, she takes her anger out on the person in closest proximity. The person who least deserved it.
As the two bickered callously and Sofia finally conceded it would be prudent to leave, Grissom only watched on in uncomfortable silence.
Sofia brushed past angrily, without so much as 'Goodbye Sara, see you at home tonight.' But she gave Sara a look that broke Sara's heart. A look filled with anger, with pain, with regret, with disappointment.
That too, only made Sara angry 'Don't you dare look at me like that Sofia Curtis' Is what Sara would have screamed if not for Grissom still standing there 'Don't look at me like you expect some kind of kindness from me now. After all, I'm not the one you came running to. I'm not the one you want. You want him.'
