MILD TRIGGER WARNING: I DON'T THINK MY WRITING IS GOOD ENOUGH TO TRIGGER ANYONE BUT HEY BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY


Nothing could describe the feeling Evanna had when she put down the phone, her hands trembling. The inside of her head was sweating and anyone watching would think she'd seen a ghost. It was a feeling of fear and humiliation. She felt stupid, incredibly stupid. She wasn't sure what to do with herself and she didn't like it.

Biting her lip she tried not to cry, she couldn't be that weak. Evanna felt like she needed to punish herself. She wanted to see her own blood and maybe that would be some comfort. The voice in the back of her head that belonged to numerous people; Sherlock, her therapist, her friends just didn't exist. She didn't care, she needed a distraction.

Evanna started to search through her flat for something. She looked in her bedside drawer, but obviously Sherlock had confiscated her blades. Dammit, Sherlock. He cares too much. She rushed to the bathroom.

At her own reflection she lost it and burst into tears, and she covered her face with her hands. She took a deep breath. She knew she needed her medication but somehow she didn't want it. Evanna started to look for razors, the kind she used for shaving. They managed to slit open the end of her finger but it wasn't enough.

Though her heartbeat started to race as she walked to the kitchen she knew she what she wanted, even if she knew it was wrong at the same time.

Shaking her head and sobbing, Evanna grabbed the small knife. She held it up to the palm of her hand and dug down with it, dragging it down and across. A thick line of blood showed the path the blade had just taken.

The pain made her bite her lip and she remembered all the reasons why she shouldn't have just done that. She stood there, face resting in her good hand for a minute or so and she cried, until she heard a knock on the door.

Evanna grabbed a tissue and cleaned up the black smudges under her eyes quickly, before trying to dab away the blood. She couldn't stop it bleeding but it would do. She put the knife in the dishwasher, erasing all evidence before answering the door.

John stood there. He looked Evanna up and down.

"Are you okay?" He asked, licking his lips.

"Fine." Evanna replied quickly. "W-What are you doing here?"

"Checking up on you for Sherlock. He's really tied up but he had a bad feeling, he was getting stressed out so I volunteered to come over."

"That was sweet of him." She ran a hand through her hair; accidently the bad one. John caught up on it straight away and gave her a concerned look.

"Sure you're alright?"

"Yeah, why?"

"What happened to your hand?"

"Nothing." She held up her clean hand. "Thanks for coming over."

"No, the other one."

"Oh, it's just a scratch."

"It looked really bad."

"It's fine."

"Prove it?"

She sighed and held out the palm of her hand. John winced a little, before she returned it to her side and blushed. "See? Fine."

"That wasn't fine, that looked really nasty what did you do?"

"I fell." She nodded casually and smiled without showing any teeth like she knew he wouldn't believe her; he didn't and he raised his eyebrows. "Into a mirror."

"You need to dress that."

"It's fine honestly I don't have any knowledge on dressing stuff anyway, why would I, I mean-"

"I do."

"John. Please." She looked at him with a look of desperation, and like she was about to cry again. "I'll rinse it when you leave, okay?"

"Please let me help you."

"I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself."

"You just said you weren't! And I'm a doctor."

"And I'm fine, don't you have somewhere to be?"

"Sherlock said you do this."

"What?"

"Push help away. When there's something wrong."

"There's nothing wrong."

"Then why are you pushing help away?"

Evanna took a deep sigh, and seconds later found herself sitting crossed legged, in front of John on the sofa as he wrapped a bandage around her hand. John tied up the end and pushed the hand back to her, smiling.

"See? Wasn't that hard was it?"

"I guess. Thanks."

She looked down at the bandage and felt the urge to unravel it, but instead she just examined it and did her best not to make eye contact. A voice in the back of her head wanted John to leave now before any conversation was made.

"I'm not going to bother pretending I don't know how you did that."

Evanna looked up at John, with the deer caught in the headlights look. "Please don't tell Sherlock."

"I think I need to."

"He already knows some things. I feel like I'm letting him down, that's one thing, him knowing is another. It'll become a circle."

"He has the right to know. You're his girlfriend and he cares about you a lot, you know. More than he's ever cared about anyone. He would want to know."

"Too much, I think. John I'm trusting you with this. I don't want him worrying."

"You don't want him worrying about you."

"John, we're in the same boat. Can you just..." Evanna shut her eyes for a moment thinking and continued. "try to understand that this is the best for him, just this once. It's better that he doesn't know."

"I just think he might be able to help you too."

"It's not something he can help with. He'll want to know why I did it, and it's something I can't tell him, I can't tell you either."

"If you promise me you won't do it again, and if you can actually find a way to keep it from him then I'll keep my mouth shut. Alright?"

"Thank you."

"Please don't do it again."

"I'll try."

"And if you can't always turn to Sherlock you can turn to me, I want you to know that."

"Thanks John. I like you, you're cool."

"You're welcome." John looked away and then back. "He adores you, you know."

Evanna opened her mouth a little before replying. "You... you think?"

"He absolutely adores you. He talks about you a lot, Evanna this, Evanna that... he thinks you're fascinating. As this rate we'll all end up falling in love with you," They both chuckled. "But I didn't think he was capable of that. You must be special. I call you his little drug. He's hooked."

"I think he's just really lonely."

"Maybe. But he's never been like this before."

She looked away and the voice in her head telling him to leave was challenged by another voice that wanted him to stay. Suddenly she didn't really want to be alone, it seemed scarier.

"Sherlock told me you had bipolar." John turned his head. "Sorry if that's too personal, I-"

"-no, it's fine."

"Is that why you...?"

"Partially."

"Do you have medication... therapy, anything?"

"Both."

"Shouldn't you call your therapist or something then?"

"I guess. I usually avoid it at all costs."

"I know the feeling."

"Post-traumatic stress, wasn't it?" She met his eyes and he looked a little startled. "Your limp, your hand, it was for that wasn't it?"

"Yeah."

"Sorry."

"It's fine... I'm sort of over it."

"Good... good for you." Evanna smiled thinly.

"Do you want me to leave so you can call her? Or him... or take your medication, or whatever you need to do."

"If I don't sound rude," She lied. Being alone seemed scary but she couldn't admit it.

"You don't, it's fine." John stood up slowly and looked down at her, and she couldn't help but feel inferior. "Sure you'll be okay on your own?"

"Yeah," Evanna lied again. "I'll be fine. Thanks."

When she got up onto her feet and joined him, she felt like just saying thanks wasn't enough and decided to hug him. It was a little awkward but it was warm and comforting for both of them. It felt like enough to last her for the rest of the day. John left, promising again on request not to speak to Sherlock about it.

The first hour Evanna spent alone she unwound and rewound her bandage five times and played guitar aimlessly. There was no point in even trying to compose anything; her hand couldn't move fast enough to come up with anything decent sounding and besides, her mind was far too clouded. She took her medication and planned to tell her therapist at her next appointment; too much apathy to call her. She then forced Barney to cuddle with her on the sofa whilst she watched Dexter. Anything to distract her from the previous events of the day.

She partially longed for her usual distraction, which was Sherlock but he didn't have time for her. The effort he made astounded her though. Evanna couldn't understand why she cared so much. After two more episodes, she decided to text him.

Hey, I know you're tied up right now so don't get worried or anything, and I really don't mean to sound so bloody clingy but I'd really like to see you soon, so let me know when you have some free time. Even just ten minutes. I just kind of miss you! EN.

There, she thought. I hope that doesn't sound suspicious.

Another episode and the shadow of the day was pulling over the sky outside, a dark sheet with little holes to let the light shine through. She considered making dinner. She also considered not making dinner. Finally her phone buzzed and she pencil rolled across the sofa to get to it at a speed Usain Bolt would admire.

I'm free now for half an hour or so, then I must get to the morgue. See you at the park in ten. SH.

Evanna cursed aloud. Obviously he'd assume she could get there for ten minutes. She rushed to the mirror; makeup, okay, hair... meh. She ran to her room and pulled out her beanie hat, over the tangle of red. She put on her coat, her tattered Converse and some fingerless gloves. Evanna thanked the lord (who she didn't actually believe in) that they covered up her hand perfectly; the bandage didn't even stick out.

Keys in one pocket, phone on vibrate in the other she began to walk. It was already dark and through that she could see orbs of light; streetlights lit the way. The park in the evening was different. The nice kind of different.

Sherlock already stood there by the usual bench. It was isolated apart from the distant sound of a few "hooded youths" on the outskirts of the park. He smiled to see her.

"Hey," Evanna waved awkwardly. "It was a bit of a rush to get here."

"Sorry." He held his hand against her cheek and she blushed a little. "You're freezing."

"I'm fine, I'm used to the cold. I think I was a polar bear in a past life."

"I like your hat."

"Thank you..." She spoke slowly, unsure as to why he'd complimented her. "What do you want?"

"Nothing! You just look... cute." Sherlock smiled again. "You look pretty tonight."

"And I don't always?"

"You just look especially nice today. I've missed seeing you."

"I've missed seeing you too. How's the case going?"

"I really think we're onto something. That's what I wanted to talk to you about."

She raised an eyebrow. "Is that so?"

"Yes. It's just... I always considered myself married to my work. Until you came along and that was a whole different matter, but now I understand why I could only have one or the other before. I don't want to end up hardly ever seeing you because of it."

"Sherlock... are you breaking up-"

"-no! Quite the opposite."

"Sherlock I'm flattered but I'm really not worth it, I-"

"-not that either. I realized I don't have to choose."

"You don't?"

"Nope." He grinned and started to walk quickly. "That's why we're going back to your flat now."

"We are?"

"Yep. You're going to pack a bag and then you're coming with me."


I'll update again soonish. Evanna's gonna meet everyone! It'll be exciting! I promise! Reviews make me super duper happy.