Chapter 9 – The nightmare
"Do it Draco!" The Dark Lord was staring down at me. I felt sick, I did my best to put a mask on my face and fake like I would enjoy this. Mother was quietly standing off to the side, an easy target if I refused his bidding.
I looked down at the muggle on the floor, scared and shaking. Looking every bit how I felt inside. Summoning up my hatred for my Father I pointed my wand and said, "Crucio!" Watching their body contort in sheer agony by my hand. It felt like their screams were bouncing around my skull.
The spell lost power as the horror of what I was doing was sinking in. I couldn't let anyone see how I truly felt, we'd all be killed. Terror and nausea rolled through my body, I could only hope I was passing it off as excitement. As the muggle was panting on the floor the Dark Lord looked at me, malicious glee in his eyes, "Again."
I woke up and I could still hear the screaming. After a moment I realized it was me. Then silence, it felt like it was pressing in on me, suffocating me. I felt ill and shaky. Suddenly I needed anyone in the world to care that I existed. Desperate and upset, I knew I couldn't go to the manor. Not with the memories so fresh on my mind. Mother couldn't handle knowing how it affected me. The next thing I knew I was digging through my jacket and grabbing the paper Granger had slipped in it with her address written down. I put on some clothes and in a few minutes found myself in the most cluttered space I had ever been in. Gryffindor red and gold trinkets were scattered throughout the room. Bookshelves filled far passed capacity lined the walls. Leather and wooden furniture filled the room. The place felt peaceful and inviting, it was what I had wanted my apartment to feel like, a home.
Granger came around the corner and I saw her stuffing her wand away, "Draco?" She asked blurrily, "What are you doing here at 2 am?"
Suddenly wishing I hadn't come I looked down at the floor, "You're right, I'm sorry I woke you. Go back to bed I'll see myself out."
"No wait, if you leave now I'll spend all night wondering what you were doing here and I won't sleep a wink." She gestured to the couches and lit a fire for some extra warmth, "I'm sorry the place isn't more presentable but I wasn't expecting anyone."
I sat down beside her on the couch, "I think your place looks great."
There was an awkward silence. Suddenly my coming over here felt completely ridiculous.
"What did you dream about?" She asked softly, eyes closed and leaning against the couch.
I twisted to face her. She looked so innocent, how could I tell her what I had done? I frowned and she opened her eyes, "Would it help you if I told you about my dream first?"
I shuddered, "No, I don't think it would." I didn't see how the victim's point of view would help me sleep. "Hermione? Have you ever done anything truly awful, to protect someone?"
She sat up straight and nodded, "Yes," She replied hesitantly, "I set professor Snape on fire in first year."
I hadn't been expecting that, "What?"
She covered her face with her hands in embarrassment, "I thought he was cursing Harry! And Harry was about to fall, so I set the bottom part of his robe's on fire. I just needed to distract him so Harry could regain balance on his broom."
I stared at her, "Wow,"
"I know!" she looked thoroughly upset, "And it wasn't even him cursing Harry after all! It was professor Quirrel!"
I burst out laughing. "I can't believe the worst thing you've ever done is set a small fire to the wrong person." She scowled, "I bet no one was even remotely hurt, they didn't consider for even a second to go to Madame Pomfrey. But look at your face! You're so upset." I chuckled again.
"If you're quite finished." She huffed, crossing her arms.
"I'm sorry," I grinned, "Well, no not really. But I didn't mean to upset you further."
She looked sideways at me. She must've decided I looked halfway sincere because she sighed and leaned back against the couch, "So what have you done to protect the people you love?"
That whipped the smiled off my face. I decided to start off easy, with something she already knew about, "I've- Well I tried to kill Albus Dumbledore."
She scowled at me, clearly suppressing her anger, "How was that to protect anyone!?"
I winced, "The Dark Lord was living at the manor. Father was in Azkaban but Mother was with him. He never said it outright but it was implied that if I failed it would mean my mother's life."
Hermione looked conflicted, "That's awful. That whole year, no wonder you looked so skinny and sick then."
I was surprised, "You'd noticed how I looked?"
She nodded, "Harry was obsessed with you. He was convinced you were a death eater. He kept trying to catch you. Every time he saw you he would talk about you and his theories. It took him far too long but eventually he saw the physical toll it took on you." It was silent a moment. She was leaning against the couch again, eyes closed.
"You must be exhausted. Please go back to bed, I'll go home."
I stood but she grabbed my hand, "Please don't leave yet, you haven't told me about you dream."
I swallowed. Her hand was so soft, and she held my hand so lightly. Perhaps she was too tired for a proper grip. She looked so cozy in her pj's curled up resting on her couch, and her hair was everywhere of course. Suddenly I wished I could curl up with her. I shook to clear my head and sat back down. Slightly closer then I had been before. Her eyes were closed again and she was tracing shapes on my hand. I closed my eyes and let myself relax, just focusing on the slight tingling feeling left behind by her light touches.
"Please tell me about your dream Draco." She asked softly. I looked at her to see her looking up at me under her lashes and biting her lip. She was tired and her hair was a mess from sleeping but she looked like she'd been thoroughly shagged. I felt a twinge and shifted to hide any, indelicacies.
Sighing in frustration, for more than one reason, I told her about the boy. How he couldn't have been much older than me, if at all. I told her what I'd been forced to do, and how I was sick for days afterward. Surprisingly, she already knew that Voldemort knew legimency. It wasn't common knowledge, the ministry didn't want to cause panic. I supposed Potter got in on all the top secrets though. Hermione was a very good listener. Despite how tired she felt she gasped at all the right place and added her own comments to the story.
"When I woke up I could still hear the screaming. For a second I thought I was still there, that the war hadn't ended, I just dreamt everything since then. And I just… I couldn't stand to be alone in my apartment." I looked away in shame, as if admitting to my greatest weakness.
Suddenly she hugged me. I froze, "What are you doing?" I asked. I sounded panicked.
"I'm hugging you." She replied dryly.
"But- No." I pushed her off of me and stood up, "Why are you being nice to me? I don't deserve this. I tortured a boy and you hug me? I deserve to suffer! I- I-"
She got up and hugged me again. This time I broke down. I put my arms around her and held her like she was the only thing keeping me from drowning. Tears ran down my face.
"Why?" I mumbled repeatedly, broken.
As my breathing evened out I began to feel calmer, but I couldn't face her, feeling ashamed of my emotions. She put her hands on both sides of my face and forced me to look at her, "I think you've suffered enough for the things you were forced to do. You need to forgive yourself Draco."
"How?" I whispered, desperate.
"I'm not exactly sure. But maybe it will help if I forgive you first." My eyes widened, "Draco Malfoy, I forgive you for tormenting me as a child. And I understand that you couldn't help me at the manor, Bellatrix would have killed you if you had tried." I looked down at the scar on her arm and traced it with my thumb. "Is this why you can't stand to hear people say the word mudblood?" she asked.
I flinched and dropped my hand. She nodded, "I thought so."
After a moment I whispered a small thanks to keep my voice from cracking with emotion.
She nodded and conjured up a blanket and a pillow, "I think you should stay here tonight."
Exhausted, both physically and mentally, I just nodded and let her tuck me in on the couch. "Goodnight Hermione." I called as she walked back to her bedroom.
The next morning I heard whispering from behind me in what I had guessed was the kitchen.
"Who is in your living room?" I heard a woman whisper in interest.
"Draco is, so I can't take James right now Ginny. Have you seen his eyes? He could obviously use the sleep."
"But James likes Malfoy! And I'd honestly feel better to have a Healer help watch my baby."
"Yes but then who will watch the Healer?"
"What?" Ginny asked, "Ugh whatever, what is he even doing here?"
I stiffened, waiting to hear what Hermione said. "He just needed a friend." I relaxed, that wasn't so bad.
"Since when did you become his friend?" Ginny's voice was getting loud with each new surprise.
"Ssshhh! Gin! Keep it down!" Hermione sighed, "Since last night I guess."
"What happened last night?" She asked excitedly.
I tensed again, "He came over, we talked, that's it. Honest!" Hermione replied.
"You better hope that's it." Ginny warned, "Could you imagine what Harry and Ron would do to him?"
Hermione groaned, "I know. It's like since Ron and I decided we were better as friends he's decided he gets to pick the replacement. Did I tell you about the last date I went on where they had an auror follow me?"
Ginny laughed, "I thought Harry was kidding about that."
"No they weren't. But Gin I really need you to leave. Draco gets defensive really easily, I don't want him to see you here and think he can't trust me."
"Why can't I be trusted?"
"I never know what's going to set him off. Please just go Ginny."
"Only if you take my son."
"Fine," Hermione groaned, "But only because he's sleeping like an angel."
I heard Ginny leave and Hermione coo quietly to James as she puttered about the kitchen. Deciding I might as well be up I walked to the kitchen and leaned against the wall. I watched Hermione work for a moment. Given how studious and outspoken she was as a girl I'd never pictured her being domestic. Her hair was up in a bun and she had loose comfortable clothes on. She had James asleep in his stroller beside the island and was quietly putting together breakfast. I couldn't hear the eggs cooking so I assumed she'd cast a charm to quiet the noise. Seeing her like this I suddenly wished it was my son and not Potter's in the stroller. I shook my head, get it together man.
At my movement Hermione jumped and dropped an egg, "Draco! Oh, shoot!" She stomped her foot. James made a soft sound from the stroller. She froze a moment, but when it was clear the baby wasn't going to wake she grabbed her wand and cleaned up the mess.
"How long have you been standing there?" She asked while turning back to the eggs.
"Not long," I replied, "you know you didn't have to hide Ginny from me."
She shoulders tensed up, "Oh? What makes you think I'm hiding Ginny?"
"Well her baby's here and she isn't," Hermione relaxed, "Please I heard you two talking."
Hermione sighed, "Look Draco-"
I cut her off, "Don't worry about. I was just going to thank you for not telling Ginny about… last night." I squirmed uncomfortably at the memory of crying in her arms.
Hermione smiled at me, "Any time." There was a slightly uncomfortable silence, "Do you like eggs?" She asked suddenly.
I blinked, startled, "Umm… I suppose. The house elves usually make them for me."
Hermione was clearly trying to hold her tongue about elf rights, "You've never cooked before?"
I shook my head. She beckoned me over and she taught me how to make scrambled eggs. Well, she tried. She made me practice breaking an egg, but after the 6th try she gave up on me. This time I'd gotten egg all across the counter, down her cupboards, and partially on myself. She took one look at the shocked look on my face, and she burst out laughing. How was I supposed to know they could explode?
Unfortunately her laugh did wake the baby. Hermione cleaned me up first and asked me to check on James while she finished cleaning. Uncertain what to do I walked over to his stroller and looked down at him. He had such a miserable look on his face and he gave one more sad small cry. I picked him up and sat him on the island, keeping my hands on his sides. Content to watch Hermione cook he happily sat still.
"I guess he just wanted to see what the fuss was about." I commented.
Hermione nodded, "He's a very curious baby. Constantly getting into trouble. Don't take your eyes of him for a second while he's sitting there. I can not give Ginny back a bruised baby."
I nodded, "She threatened me when I was there after he'd fallen. Something along the lines of 'If you hurt my baby I will gleefully dance around your broken body'?"
Hermione laughed, "Sadly you aren't the first to get a talk like that. The very first time James bumped his head Ron was holding him. Once James had stopped crying and Ginny realized he was going to be okay Harry had to steal her wand and physically hold her back. I'm not sure she's let Ron hold him since."
"Wow." I commented. The mention of Ron had me thinking about something else now, "Why isn't Ron here?"
She looked up at me from dishing out the eggs, clearly confused, "Why would he be?"
Embarrassed by my bold question I shrugged, "Well, you two seemed like you were getting together after the war. I remember you too comforting each other."
"Oh," She replied, "we just didn't work as a couple. He wanted to have more kids then I did, I wanted to work and send any children to muggle elementary school."
I frowned, "What's elementary school?"
She answered as she put our plates at the table, "Elementary school is where you go before Hogwarts. Umm…" She looked over at James and I by the counter, "Put James in his stroller and bring him over. I've mashed up some eggs so hopefully that'll keep him happy."
I complied but was still confused, "There's school before Hogwarts?"
She looked at me, startled, "If you didn't go to school, how did you learn to read and write?"
"Father hired tutors." I answered.
She frowned, "But how did you make any friends?"
I frowned back, "Mother's friends brought their children over." Hermione looked upset but just quietly ate her eggs. "What?" I asked, annoyed.
She just shrugged, "Well, you just make more sense now. You spent your whole childhood being told something, and only were allowed to spend time with people who shared that same view. You wouldn't have even realized there was another way to be. Not until you were at Hogwarts anyway."
I didn't know if I should feel offended or not, so I just quietly ate my eggs. The silence was becoming a bit awkward when James decided he'd been ignored long enough and screeched at us. We both jumped and looked down at him and laughed. I didn't think he'd eaten a bit of the eggs Hermione had given him. Instead he looked like he'd covered himself and the stroller. I grabbed James out and Hermione tossed me a cloth to clean him up with while she started work on the stroller. That was when Ginny walked in. She stopped upon entering the kitchen. Seeing Hermione and I chuckling about the mess as I tried to clean the squirming baby.
"Hey Ginny," Hermione said guiltily, "Sorry about the mess. I think I got all the egg from the stroller. I know there's a cleaning charm for it but I couldn't remember."
Ginny still hadn't moved, too surprised by the scene. James screeched at her, trying to escape my hold, and it seemed to snap her back to reality. She smiled at her son and placed him on her hip, "What is in his hair?"
"He got it in his hair too?" Hermione asked, "I don't think he ate a single bite of the eggs I made for him."
Ginny smiled, "That's alright, he already had breakfast this morning. I'm sorry he made such a mess. I didn't think he'd be able to cause that much trouble in just an hour."
"Has it already been an hour?" Hermione asked, "Shoot I'm going to be late." She rushed out of the room, leaving Ginny and I alone.
Ginny started at me. I shifted uncomfortably and then stood up, "Tell Granger I said thanks… for everything."
Ginny nodded and watched me walk away. I'd only just gotten to the door when Ginny rushed around the corner, "Wait Draco! Look, I don't know what's going on between you two, but Hermione deserves someone who can really be there for her. Not just show up when they feel like it."
Stung by her allegation I said, "Hermione and I are just friends." With that I exited the apartment and apparated home.
