Author's Note: Hi, all! Just wanted to say that updates after today are going to be random for at least the next week because I am going to Philadelphia tomorrow and I don't know if/when I'll have time to update. So here is today's! I'll probably get another one posted one more time before I go, but if not, soon.
Thank you for reading. Both older readers and new, I'm glad you're here.
After giving up hope, I had finally discovered one person who agreed with me on my decided fate. It had taken long enough, but he finally showed up, ready with one-hundred plus reasons why I should be allowed to give up my life.
Better late than never, I suppose?
In fact, his timing could not have been better.
Shizuo had become more persistent in the last couple days. None of my thoughts had changed for the better. Still, he clung to hope with another sixteen days to work with. Personally, I didn't see the point.
"Reason fifteen," he spoke, handing me a cup of hot tea, "There's a couple of twin girls - Raira students - wondering why their 'Iza-nii' hasn't been home."
Those words meant nothing to me. Word of my sisters, Mairu and Kururi, never fazed me unless it involved their obsession with torturing me. In my mind it seemed somewhat hypocritical for Shizuo to even mention the twins, considering that his own younger sibling, Kasuka, had been back in Ikebukuro since my failed attempt at suicide, and they hadn't sent each other so much as a text message. Why should Shizuo have cared if I hadn't had anything to do with my own family when he worked so hard to distance himself from his own? He and Kasuka had grown up together. They had the sort of bond - sort of like some twins do - where they could read each other's minds. My sisters were different. While they were that way with each other, they never were with me. Nearly ten years separates us, and my rotten path had corrupted them so horribly that my own parents would have little to do with me. Whether or not the girls missed me, I really couldn't see it as my problem. Loving them as any older brother would did not mean I had to interact with them... did it? Besides, even when life was good and I didn't have this darkness looming over my shoulder, I only ever used them for my benefit. I only made them tools in my work. For my own entertainment.
"They'd be better off not seeing me," I mumbled, staring deeply at my reflection in the cup of tea.
"What makes you say that?" Shizuo queried.
"Tch," I scoffed.
To me it was perfectly obvious, as I continued to examine myself, poking the black scab slicing through my eyebrow and wondering how sunken in my tired eyes used to be... when things were normal, and the idea of death wasn't constantly on my mind... Did my hair always stick out in every direction? Had my hands always trembled? Was my mouth always pulled down into a miserable frown?
No.
My sisters - my family - they wouldn't recognize me anymore. How could they? I barely recognized myself. They'd be better off saying their goodbyes at my funeral; not when I was barely hanging on. It'd hurt too much. I wouldn't know where to begin with the apology.
"Am I crazy?" I wondered out loud.
"Depends," Shizuo answered, "What kinda crazy are you talking about?"
"Certifiable."
"Like... Do you belong in an asylum?"
"Sure. We'll go with that."
"I used to think so."
"What changed your mind?" I asked with a feeling that I already knew the answer.
"Seeing you like this." Shizuo came up behind me, placing both hands on my shoulders. Squeezing tightly, he probably lost track of his own strength again. The pain made me cringe, though I admit I rather enjoyed it.
He made me feel. When nobody else did... he could...
"Shouldn't that have you more convinced that something is terribly wrong with my mind?"
"You're infamous for being manipulative and cruel... for twisting the minds of the weak and innocent. It may not be the best way to live, but that doesn't label you certifiably insane."
Taking a sip of tea, I scoffed. "Now you're being too nice."
Shizuo released his grip from around my shoulders. "Is there something wrong with that?"
"Yeah. It's almost making me sick."
Pulling away from him, I suddenly felt crowded by his presence. The sensation of hate and malice had evaporated from the air around us as a more frightening vibe threatened to break through.
For no other reason than to get away, I stood up. "I need a shower," I told him, hurrying into the bathroom to wash the unwanted feelings from my skin.
There was no handling Shizuo and his soft heart for humanity. I had to believe he'd do the same for anybody else. I had to believe that I wasn't special... or I'd never be able to leave.
I stepped out of the shower, immediately picking up on voices coming from the opposite side of the wall. Honing in on the sound, I picked up two. One belonged to Shizuo; however, it barely sounded like the same man who tore up the streets of Ikebukuro, nor did he sound like the same man I had been living with. There was a new breed of fury on his lips. He sounded like he had never been more sure of anything in his life. The other voice... well... You'd have to be a fool to be Japanese and not recognize the younger Heiwajima. His manner of speaking was uniquely cool, always sounding perfectly scripted, even when it wasn't. Nevertheless, something was different this time. He was angry; raising his voice to argue with his older brother.
"You don't know anything!" Shizuo shot. There was a loud thud on the table, like he had thrown his hands down on the wooden surface. And I imagined his kitchen table cracking due to the blow.
"I know enough!" the actor shot back. "After everything he has done to you, are you really going to sit back and believe him now?"
"You haven't seen the things I've seen. You haven't seen him the way I've seen him!"
"Shizuo, whether or not you allow yourself to believe it, he is putting on an act."
"And you would know?" Shizuo sneered.
"I would think it is my job to know. He is fucking manipulating you!"
Continuing to eavesdrop on their argument, I pressed my back against the wall, sliding down the smooth surface until I hit the carpeted floor beneath my feet. There was no helping it. They were arguing about me. Hell, I practically felt obligated to listen in.
"You are going to end up hurt. He is going to pinpoint all of your weaknesses so that he can use them to destroy you!"
"What fucking weaknesses!" Shizuo retaliated, refusing to listen to his younger brother.
"Shit. I would say the fact that every body saw you defending him is a fabulous start!"
"So what if I did?"
"Get it through your head! There is NOBODY in this world who is willing to defend HIM. Him, Shizuo. Orihara Izaya. Or have you forgotten his name in your obsession with fixing him?"
"Then I guess I'm nobody."
"You cannot repair evil, big brother. You cannot turn him around."
"I'm not trying to."
"What the hell is it that you are trying to do then?"
"I'm trying to keep him alive!"
"He does not deserve it; nor does he need that from you."
"You don't know that. You don't know what you're talking about, Kasuka."
"He is lying to you. That parasite is way too happy leeching the life out his victims to need anything. He would take it whether you wanted him to or not."
"Don't say that. You don't know what he's been through."
"Attempting suicide? Listen to me, Shizuo! Please. Do you really think -"
"It wouldn't matter what I think! I know what the damn truth is. I don't need my little brother telling me otherwise!"
"Even if he did try to kill himself, do you really believe that he is innocent? Do you think it somehow cleansed him of all of his sins? Do you really think that he doesn't deserve every bit of suffering to come his way? I mean, look at the things he has done to hurt you. Would you really put it past him to do it again?"
'"Kasuka..." Shizuo's resilience dropped about a thousand notches. My heart went with it.
"Shizuo." The actor remained strong.
"..."
Shizuo went silent. Closing my eyes, I tried to imagine the look on his face as he took all factors into consideration. He had plenty of reasons to give in to Kasuka. Even if their relationship was rocky at times, Shizuo had just about a billion reasons why he could give more trust to the actor than the liar. Kasuka was right. About everything. My life's cruelty did not deserve the mercy from one of its victims.
The facts weighed against me.
"I've done everything I can to help him," Shizuo finally spoke after a long, tense silence. "He's lost so much weight and energy... There is no way he could be the same person who has given me hell for the last seven years. I can't get him outside. I can barely get him out of bed to eat."
"Then send him to the hospital," Kasuka's stance was unwavering. "Let him leech off somebody else."
Sinking lower to the floor, I knew that was it. That's all it took. I needed to get out. I needed to breathe.
Glancing around Shizuo's bedroom, I opted to sneak out the window before their argument reached an end. Throwing my jacket over my shoulders, I reached for my cell phone on the dresser. In my panic to get out, I knocked it onto the floor, sending it sliding under the bed. Reaching for it, something else connected with my fingertips. Cold surgical steel, approximately ten centimeters in length, carefully protected between perfectly cut oak wood.
My switchblade. My extra limb. My missing piece.
I could not put into words the comfort that washed over me as I gently slid her back into place in my pocket. One might even say that this blade was my best friend. My one love. The only splendor that remained. My miserable world became a fraction less deplorable as I slid silently out the window, no longer alone.
How can we forget who we have become
I'll give it all up.
Please wake up.
Every breathe you take, is a lie
How did you ever see me broken?
Well you forced me to find out everyday
Did you ever see me open?
Well you forced me to find out everyday
