Since the 'accident' Ed had just wanted to cry constantly.

He didn't cry once, but he felt like the tears were pushing from behind his face all day.

The guilt was killing him. He half wondered if he had a control on his mother's fate and that the universe just took it one step further then he intended.

He had grown his hair, at first it was accidental, while he had been recovering Winry and Pinako didn't want to move him around more then necessary so (as his hair grew quite quickly) it was soon shoulder length. And he had found it was easily to hide behind long hair and that added a secure feeling, the growth of his hair had slowed down once it reached his shoulders but he thought he would feel safer the longer it got, the only down side was he looked like a girl from behind and echoed his father from the front but that didn't matter.

Looking at Al made him feel sick and he avoided the light holes in Al's armour that served as his eyes.

Mustang had commented (shortly after meeting him in central) that he always avoided eye contact with anybody and questioned him on it. Ed had gone red and became nervous. He didn't even notice how much he avoid eye contact, he realised he sometimes did (he felt as if he were staring if he looked too long and he had heard eyes could show your thoughts and although it was illogical he didn't want to risk people knowing) but not enough for anyone to notice.

The thing that was making Ed feel guilty above all else was the fact he was glad the transmutation failed and not just that he didn't have to have his Mother back.

Al was cold and he was huge and Al liked to hold him. And because Al was cold and he couldn't physically have sex with him he felt safe. Al stopped that rot growing because he was so cold and that stopped Edward from being dirty and Al couldn't become contaminated so it was safe to be held.

Ed liked being held without the implication he had to give the holder something in return and Al was so big and strong now he could stop anybody else from using him.

And that thought alone made him want to scream and cry.

Again he would try to do the best for Al and hopefully it would work.

On the train he had decided, he would make Al warm again and become cold himself, automail was a good start and he could already feel himself becoming cold and loosing emotions anyway.

Except when he lost his temper, people kept calling him short, small, tiny, shrimp and aside from the constant unoriginality of comments it reminded him of her words to him and he was pissed of with these assholes constantly reminding him of her.

And now he was a dog of the military.

They had stayed with Tucker until the bastard turned his little girl and dog into a chimera.

That was his fault as well.

Tucker had been under pressure because of Ed's passing of the alchemy exam and that drove him to make that.

He had liked Nina she was so young and sweet and she couldn't, wouldn't hurt him.

Another piece of filth had been added to him that night, the desire to kill Tucker.

It was all building at the moment, he kept finding hair in weird places and he knew what that meant. He was getting old enough for...that too work, she wasn't here but other people were that Hawkeye woman, she might once she knew he could.


Ed was dimly aware of Al shaking him softly, calling his name quietly.

He opened his bleary golden eyes and scrubbed at his eyes before glaring at Al, in what he hoped would be threatening look but just looked dopey.

"Brother you were having a nightmare you were twitching and made noises and…" Al made an odd strangled squeak and looked at his hands fiddling nervously "Oh, brother I thought…sorry…I didn't realise you were having…" Al let out a nervous giggle while Ed gazed at him in confusion.

"Al what are you talking about? If you're going to keep be so, so stupid! Shut up and let me sleep."

Al seemed to blush which wasn't possible, it couldn't be possible, and waved a hand toward his brother crotch before looking away in embarrassment.

Ed blinked and looked down, the colour drained from his face.

He was hard, it was hard.

"Brother?" Ed ignored the concerned sound of his brother's voice.

He was rocking and didn't realise, whimpers slipped from his mouth and he began sobbing.

Al placed a hand on Edwards shoulder and his brother lashed out at him screaming.

Ed buried himself in the corner of the room sobbing and clutching his hair.

It had gone now, but it would be back again and again. And they would use it, disgusting, dirty, slimy, wet, warm and wrong. He rocked himself backward and forwards, it was growing again, it had stopped growing since Al had lost his body, but the rot was growing festering, grimy, and dirty.

He had to get it out of him, Al was blocking his way and trying to talk to him. He dove the automail under his shirt and began to scrap between his nipples, he had touched her there first and then he would go in between her legs and into her oh god he had originally come from the same gesture with his fathers and she wanted to use his to do the same thing. He had come out of that place stick and from that gesture and he kept going back in for more. And she pressed her breasts into his chest, skin to skin.

He had cut through the skin and there was blood, that was good he was getting there.

Al suddenly let out a soft scream, he dived on top of his older brother and pulled his hands away as the boy let out a choked sob and fought to continue tearing his skin off.

There was so much blood and it was sticking to Edward's tank top. Al pulled Edwards top off, he didn't want it sticking, and it would hurt if it dried to his skin.

The skin was now covered with deep scratches, Ed had screamed loudly when Al took the top off him and he was now fighting to get away.

Suddenly the smaller boy's legs shook and gave way. His long golden hair fell into his face, Al had wondered if Ed was trying to be their father by growing his hair.

Ed began to babble through his sobs "I'm sorry, please don't I don't want I don't like please it doesn't I don't I'm not I didn't ever want. Oldest fault I said but it's always the boys fault I know that but I don't want and dirty wrong just let me go I don't now let me covered no it's dirty I'm dirty I need to get clean. Al I want Al here not like you I don't like that I don't want that I'm dirty I need clean just let me I'll get it I'll get it out. Let me go please."

Al couldn't understand most of what Ed was saying but he heard the words dirty repeatedly and clean.

So he carried him to the shower and put him in still wearing his boxers.

Al knew the panic was something to do with the erection Ed had gotten earlier and he tried explaining that it was a normal part of human development but his brother just screamed and covered his ears.

Ed knew that was a lie, he knew what they did with a penis when it got stiff like that, teacher had explained this to Al and Ed had ran out of the room. He had refused to talk to Al and stuck his fingers in his ears when Izumi tried find out what was wrong, he even ignored her when she started shouting. He looked at her eyes then and saw something unrecognisable in her eyes, and knew she was judging him, she had seen what was in him and what he had been in.

Ed let out a gasp when the water touched the cuts he felt some water trickle inside and that was cleaning him.

He turned to Al (who quickly swapped his hands) smiling he heard Al take an sharp intake of air, and idly wondered how he even did that.

"All it went to the heart of it. It really did, its cleaner still dirty but better it won't grow will it?"

Ed lent his head upon Al's chest and allowed his eyes to drift shut, this whole thing had been tiring.

Al held onto his brothers sleeping form tightly half expecting Ed to be tricking him, before gathering him in his arms and carrying him into bedroom. It was a small military dorm and there was a table and tiny kitchen on the other end of the room.

Which luckily had a first aid kit.

After dressing the gouges on his brother's chest drying him and redressing him.

Al phoned the Colonel and told him what happened, he broke down into sobs on the phone and he knew Ed would be mad at him for telling the Colonel. But as Ed already seemed mad he didn't care, when he had turned to look at him his grin was too wide his eyes were shining unnaturally, something was wrong and he need an adults help.


A/N:Reveiw if I should keep this up

A/N2: Hmm it's a little...random. I really need a new brain I swear, I heard 3am by Eminem and I now want to do an FMA story too it. (note to self far too easily influenced)