Okay so a post finale one-shot is needed. And this is mine. Don't read if you have not watched the finale. As it will have spoilers for that.
Post 4x22: The Bridge Over Troubled Water
I saw the display lighten up again, yet another call, I didn't even have to check the name to know who it was. I once more rejected the call, like I had done with the ones before. Maybe I really should have gotten a new phone before going on this vacation. I mean it would probably have been the smartest choice. I looked away from the phone and out over the crystal blue sea once more. I was standing at the balcony of the room Peter had gotten us, a presidential suit. I had been shocked when he told me, very shocked actually, and I knew he had noticed, but I had brushed it off. It didn't matter, that it was the same type of room Will had gotten us once for our first time together, it just made it all so much more awkward.
I did want to do this, the remarriage, I really did. I loved Peter completely. But I felt bad, I had made him promise me to never cheat again before I said yes, and he wasn't the one that had screwed up - I was. I had spent the day after the election, and today, where we flew down here, rejecting calls from Will. I accepted those I got from Cary, where we discussed the new firm, and I had taken a couple from Diane, and one from Eli but that was it. I had yet to tell Peter I was actually leaving Lockhart and Gardner, and it was probably not the only thing I ought to tell him with the plans of our vow renewal. I really did need to tell him about how I had betrayed him not just once but twice by now. I knew it would hurt him and I feared how he would take it, if all plans of remarriage would be gone. He had always been jealous and I would basically tell him there was a reason to be, that I did harbor an attraction to Will. An attraction I hated, because I didn't want to cheat, I didn't want to hurt Peter. I really did love him, and wanted to be with him, to make this work. My phone lightened up once more, and a look at the display confirmed it was indeed Will, and in a sudden impulsive decision I picked it up and pressed ignore once more before on impulse throwing it with all I could to make sure it hit the ocean almost right under where I was standing. I knew it wasn't fair what I was doing, and I had pulled him back into this mess that was my life once more because of my sexual impulses. I knew he was calling now and ever since that fateful second kiss because of the talk he wanted. A talk I couldn't have. Because I feared what he would say, that he would tell me he loved me and he wanted it all, or some silly romantic nonsense, but the fact was that was not what I desired at least not with him. I was attracted to him, I desired him as a lover, but nothing more. I didn't want a life time with him, he wasn't the one that made me feel the happiest of all, truth be told I was rather a little scared I could feel this sexual compulsion to him while I loved and wanted a life with another man, a man I was with right now. I knew I should have talked with Will but I had no idea what to say, I was not allowed to tell him I was leaving Lockhart and Gardner yet, Cary had asked me to wait with that until I got back from here. I sighed and looked out over the sea, it was truly beautiful here. I knew he had wanted us to do this here because we had been to Hawaii for our honeymoon the first time around. It was another hotel back then and the feelings were different, and our history less complex less confusing, back then we had both been young and in love, yes I had been pregnant and we had moved the wedding up because of how I embarrassed I was over that, but we had never less still been young fools driven by love and dreams. It felt like a life time ago. Now we were here both having done so many things wrong, and betrayed each other and the vows we took many times over, because it wasn't just Peter that had broken them, in my own way so had I. Marriage was supposed to last through the good and bad times, and I hadn't honored that one the night he was re-elected the first time. I had needed it I had needed to do it, but I had still broken that vow of loving each other even when the storm set in. Now I had broken the vows again, actually I had done the same once 3 years before where I shared another kiss with Will in his office, I had still been with Peter back then too, and now two times yet again.
"So do you like the room?" Peter asked, coming up behind me and slipping his arms around my waist, and kissing my shoulder. I shuddered both due to the warmth and heat of his body and because of the memories of another man asking me the same, about two years ago. "Alicia are you alright?" I could hear the confusion in his voice, and in that moment I knew I had to tell him, no matter what; I needed to tell him. Why the room made me feel weird? Why I was distracted? What I had done that might make him change his mind on me? I needed to tell him it all. If I wanted this to work, our marriage to work I needed to start it in honesty, and I did want it to work. I sighed, this wouldn't be fun. I feared he wouldn't take this well at all.
"We need to talk..." I whispered and pulled away from him so I could turn around and look at him. I was met by his worried eyes. Eyes filled with confusion.
"About what? Alicia what is the matter?" I sighed again, considering if we should go outside to get some air while we had this talk, but it wouldn't look good for his image if we were caught by the press fighting. So it was better to stay in the room.
"Can we go inside and sit down... there is some things I need to tell you." I whispered softly, and saw him nod confused and worried. We walked back in and both took our seats at the love seat. I turned to face him and gulped. I wasn't completely sure where to start, where to jump in.
"I need to tell you some things before we do this. I want us to work Peter, and I don't want to begin again with lies and secrets already there. I need us to be honest with each other this time around. Not just with some things but with everything." He looked me in the eyes, and I saw a weird look forming in his graze.
"Will told you? Didn't he? Alicia I swear I didn't know about it before hand." He answered me, and suddenly I was the confused one, what was he talking about? What was it that Will should have told me? "What are you talking about Peter?" I asked confused.
"The election. I really didn't know it was our campaign that were committing fraud. I really didn't know until Will told me." Okay now I was the shocked and rather pissed one. Here I was ready to bear my heart and my own mistakes, and I learned he was corrupt again. "Peter... You... promised no more... Why? Were you really so scared you wouldn't win?" I pulled a little back on the couch and saw him flinch.
"Alicia please... hear me out..." He reached for my hand, and I pulled back, I didn't want his touch clouding my mind right now.
"I don't get it... You said you were done with all of that... and you did this... and you had us running around the whole night trying to make sure the other campaigns hadn't cheated. Oh that was the fraud, wasn't it?" I asked him in shock, while realizing what he had said, and what fraud it probably was. He nodded slowly, looking sad, I almost laughed at the irony we had argued they were clear and it was really fraud and he could have won without those votes easily. And it wouldn't have been fraud, but now it was. And more so, he had kept it from me and that was then I realized what he had said at first.
"Will knew? Peter how in the world... how did Will know?" I asked in shock. If Will really knew why hadn't Will told me.
"He found a video that proved that the stuffed ballot box came from us. He told me. Saying he wanted me to make the decision." He explained, and I was further confused.
"Why didn't he just bring it forward to the judge?" I asked half him and half myself.
"He said he wanted me to make the decision... but I didn't do it I told him to do what he wanted... I guess he didn't just do it automatically because of the interests of the client..." He sighed, and looked at me. "I know I should have told you... and not just because I was pressured to do so... But I swear Alicia I had nothing to do with the fraud I didn't ask for it. It happened as a part of the campaign office." He admitted and I nodded softly. He was right he should have told me far earlier. But he hadn't - not because of all the things that seemed as water under the bridge, but because of who he is, and the issues we have gone through, and yet right now his lie by omission seems small beside mine. And he hadn't committed the fraud himself. I nodded silently.
"Okay... you should have told me... but I get why you didn't... that you didn't want to tell me because it didn't really matter, and would just be an issue. I get it..."I sighed. Because I did get it probably far more than he knew. The thing that bugged me the most was I knew Will would feel betrayed by my choice of Peter and leaving with Cary, and right now he had something on Peter, something big.
"I... thank you Alicia... I know you have every right to be pissed I just..." He sighed. "I need to tell you something myself, that might make you far more angry than this can make me." I whisper softly, knowing it is needed to be said now.
"Alicia I won't get angry whatever it is..." He told me caringly, making me give a half smile, before taking a deep breath.
"I'm leaving Lockhart and Gardner, and I kissed Will, twice. One time some months back, and one time at election night. Almost Diane caught us on election night. The reason why I felt weird over the presidential suit, is because he took me to one two years ago, and I spent a night in it with him, that was then I started seeing him. Before that, not long after you came out of prison I kissed him, too... We didn't start anything until you and I had separated. And I ended it close to a year before we really started anything. But I still kissed him twice here lately, and I have been tempted by him all the time, and I don't want to go there, because I don't love him, I love you, but I am still temped and desire him, and it is driving me crazy, because I really don't want to go there, because it is you that I want. And still I have these feelings of attraction and lust for Will, and I can't seem to let it go, and I know it will hurt you so much, as I have been on the other side and I don't want that for anyone. And I really do love you." I admit it all, speaking rather fast needing to get it all out as fast as possible, I had lost my breath in the end and was panting trying to catch it again. I looked over at him nervously, and I saw a mix of emotions in his eyes. So many different ones I wasn't sure what to make of, and how this would all end. His eyes were filled with pain, hurt, anger, sadness, love, worry and confusion. I reached out this time, to touch him, my fingers brushing his arm made him flinch and pull away. I knew how he felt, I had felt like that too.
"Peter, please say something... anything... even if it is that you hate me..." I whispered, because it could very well be what he felt. I knew he loved me completely, and I in this moment also knew all the past didn't matter to me, the thought of him actually not wanting me was too scary, too painful. How had I gotten here? Him and Amber, him and Kalinda, him and whatever possible other woman there might have been in the past didn't matter, he had changed and I knew he hadn't been with anyone or wanted anyone since he got out of prison, he had changed and all he wanted was me. And I was the one who kept screwing up, who kept cheating on him in my own ways. I was the one who couldn't make up her mind and when I did I still couldn't keep to my plans of it. I was hurting Peter and he loved me so much, and I was hurting him because of my actions, I knew how he must be feeling right now. I had been in his place years ago, it might not be the same thing, he had slept with someone else, but I had basically just admitted to wanting to do just that and having kissed that person more than once while I was with Peter. He shook his head in disbelief.
"You kissed Will?" he whispered, and I nodded tears beaming in my eyes. How could I have hurt him like this?
"And you want to sleep with him?" He asked me, the pain in his voice broke my heart. I didn't know how I ended up there the next second, but I was once more reaching for his hands, enfolding them in my own, trying to look up into his eyes. Eyes which were filled with tears of his own. Oh god what a fool I was. I loved him I truly did, and yet here I was possibly destroying our happiness before it ever really started again.
I was breaking both of our hearts right now. I wished he would open his hands and take mine, hinting that he in some way was still accepting me, still caring for me, that he didn't hate me completely which was what I feared. However his hands didn't open, instead he pulled them out of mine, and stood up.
"Peter?" I whispered, scared for what he was about to do.
"I am sorry Alicia..." He whispered, and I could hear the tears in his voice. I sat as paralyzed as I watched him walk over to the door. No, this couldn't be true, he couldn't leave. I wanted to scream at him not to leave me, to let me have his anger, his pain - anything, as long as he didn't leave me. But no word left my dry lips, and I couldn't find my voice. It was gone. I saw him open the door and walk out of it. It was only the moment he closed it that the first of my tears fell, and it only took a minute before my tears were running freely. I got up from the couch and tears streaming down my cheeks and I moved through the rooms of the suit until I got to the bedroom. The rose petals spread over the bed made more tears well up into my eyes, he had really treated this as a second honeymoon and a second chance for us. And I had ruined it now. I didn't know if he would come back or if he would leave for the airport and the next I knew would be getting sent the divorce papers. I wished I had run after him, had begged him to stay. Instead I now lay down on the bed and cried into the pillows, where we were supposed to make love and have our second wedding night and I was now instead crying myself into sleep.
When I woke up the sun had set, and though it wasn't dark because of the lights on the island it was still darker. The bedroom was dark, and there were no sounds in it to be heard other than the sound of the ocean outside. I had the feeling that Peter hadn't returned and I felt worse than ever. He might really have left me here alone. I got up from the bed, though I felt drained and exhausted from crying and all that had passed. I walked over to the balcony in the bedroom, the wind that blew in from the ocean send chills through me, making me shiver. I almost laughed at the irony, a month ago I had shivers because of lust for Will, now that couldn't be further from my thoughts, and what was making me cold beside the wind were the fear that I had screwed up so badly that I had lost Peter forever. He was the love of my life, I knew that now, he was the one I could see myself with and always had seen myself with 30, 40 or 50 years from now. The one I wanted to spent the rest of my life with. I looked down on the beach just below me and there I saw a shadow of a human walking around. I don't know how I knew it but I just did it, and more so I knew it with my heart not with my eyes like the other night where I thought I was seeing Will, I knew it was Peter down there. I turned around, I had to get down there, to him, to try and make him listen and understand.
I hurried the best I could, out of the room and down there. As I arrived on the beach I couldn't see him, and for a few seconds I thought I had only made it up in my mind once more the sight of him, and that was then I saw his shadow further down the beach standing looking out on the ocean. I moved over there, as fast as I could. I had to get to him, had to make him see that he was the one I wanted the one I loved and desired. I couldn't lose him, just the thought felt like ripping my heart out, and it was far worse than the thought of letting Will go completely had ever felt. I reached him on the beach, and paused right behind him, suddenly not sure what to say to him.
"I love you." I whispered behind him, and I saw him stiffen, clearly surprised that I was here. "I love you, and you are not allowed to do this. Please Peter, I left the firm because I don't want to feel like that. Because I don't want to give in. Because I don't love him but you. It is you I want, it is you I want to see every morning and every night." I continued, and I saw him flinch again, and I reached out a hand so I could touch his arm. "Pleased look at me..." I whispered, and I could hear his sigh as he turned around to look at me. I could see he had cried too, he sighed and met my gaze, I could still read the pain in his eyes and hurt, but I could also read his love and desire for me. None of us spoke instead we both moved at the same moment, lips crashing together and hands clinging to each other, he pulled me closer and I pressed myself closer to him, as close as possible, my breasts being pressed tightly against his hard chest. I knew we would need to talk but right now no words could compare to this. How could I think Will was worth losing this for, that Will was better than this. Nothing could feel better than this. His warm tongue brushing and stroking against mine. I sucked on his, making him moan against me. It was like we were drinking each other up, trying to swallow the other up so we could become one. We broke the kiss, panting for air. I rested my head against his chest, breathing him in. He smelled so good, all masculine, strong and passionate, if you could even smell of that. "I love you." I whispered once more and felt him nod against me.
"I love you too... and I am sorry I left. I was just so confused and hurt." He admitted against me, and I nodded in understanding, and then pulled back and looked up at him.
"I do wanna renew our vows Peter, I really do. I didn't lie when I said yes. I want it." I told him softly, and saw him smile and he bowed down and kissed me again, this time sweetly and softly, his lips lingered on mine for a little, before he pulled back.
"I want to marry you again too." He told me as he pulled back resting his forehead against mine.
"We will have to work on our relationship every day. I know I hurt you tonight, and I know how you feel because I have felt it from you. And yet I am trying to trust you and really do trust you not to do it to me again, you are gonna have to trust me the same way, that I don't want to cheat and I won't do it because I love you, and you are the one I want in my life." I told him softly, bringing my hand up to rest on his cheek. He nodded.
"I know Alicia, and I will. I mean, I do trust you. I love you so much honey." He whispered, and I smiled and found his lips once more, sealing our lips together once again, no more words were needed to be spoken in this moment, for now this was enough. I don't remember much else from it, only that he managed to carry me all the way up to our room from the beach to finally make love to me spread out on the silky sheets still covered in rose petals.
The next night we renewed our vows as the sun set, we had settled on the same spot on the beach where I had found him the night before. I didn't hear much of what the officiate said, because all I was focused on was Peter. And the love beaming in his eyes. My soft cream colored dress was ruffled by the light breeze coming in from the ocean, as he promised me to love me forever, and to spend every moment with me making up for his past failures. And as I vowed to love him with every breath, smile and tear of my life I knew I couldn't be happier than in this moment with him. The dying sun in the background, coloring everything around us in a light pink color, a color of unconditional and romantic love and hope, and I couldn't think of anything more fitting in this moment. As Peter took my hand and to my greatest surprise took my rings off my fingers and slid another band on to it, a new one, before he placed the engagement ring he had given me two a half week earlier onto it again, while keeping my old wedding-ring.
"It is a new chance for us, I screwed up the first time and I won't do it this time, as I know what it feels to lose you. This ring I give to you with the promise of loving you every day, and spend forever making up for how I hurt you." He told me, and I felt a tear slip down my cheek, and saw the tears in his eyes as well. He pulled me close and sealed our lips in a kiss the second the officiate pronounced us husband and wife again, and I felt him lift me up and spin me around in happiness before he placed me back down again for another kiss, making me laugh. The night of Thanksgiving where we had first slept together in years, and my Mom had asked if I was happy, I hadn't been back then, but in this moment I could finally tell her and everyone else. I was the happiest I could ever be, and that I all owed to Peter. Because Peter was my joy, my love, my happiness, he was my life.
