Chapter 9

"I figured it out."

"Uh...that's great?" Brittany just stared at Olivia, a little confused.

"You told me to figure out what I'm so afraid of. I think I figured it out." She was bouncing slightly on the spot, rubbing her freezing hands together; she'd forgotten her gloves.

Brittany was standing next to her car, which was stuffed with groceries. Olivia had arrived at her house just as she got back from shopping. Now she remembered her groceries and handed several bags to Olivia and lead her inside. When they had finished taking the groceries inside, Brittany spoke to Olivia as she put everything away. "So what is it you're afraid of, Olivia?"

"Being a victim." Brittany glanced at her as she walked towards the fridge, waiting for more. "I mean looking like a victim, acting like a victim."

"You don't want to seem weak, you mean."

"I see victims every day. I tell women every day they need to get help, to understand that it's not their fault; they have no reason to be ashamed. I should be able to deal with this."

"But that's just it, Olivia: you ARE capable of dealing with this. You're dealing with it right now, every day. Dealing with something doesn't mean you're not suffering, not struggling, it just means you keep going, keep living." She crushed one of the grocery bags into a ball and tossed it over Olivia's head to the empty laundry hamper behind. Olivia's face remained serious and Brittany's smile vanished. "This is good; you're making progress. Have you been sleeping at home?"

"I wouldn't call it sleeping."

"But you're at least spending the night in your own apartment, and that's a good start."

"I don't really have much choice."

"Well, regardless, it's not really important right now. You've figured out what it is you're afraid of. Now what are you going to do about it?"

"I thought that's what you were for."

Brittany smiled. "I hope you know you're paying for this impromptu session."

"I figured."

"Well, I think it's pretty clear. You're afraid of looking like a victim – so show everyone that you're a victim. Or rather, someone close to you; the whole world doesn't need to know your business. You need to show someone your vulnerability, someone you trust. No one is going to think you're weak because of this, and the sooner you confide in someone the sooner you'll realize that."

"I don't know if I can do that."
"I don't think you can move on until you do. Find someone you trust, Olivia, and talk to them. You'll be surprised."

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Olivia considered not answering the door. She was tired, cranky, frustrated, and hadn't even finished her first beer. When the pounding continued, though, she got up and opened the door. Once again Elliot stopped his fist just short of hitting Olivia in the face; he quickly withdrew it. "What are you doing here, El?" Olivia rested her cheek against the edge of the door.

"I...I came to see if you're okay."

"Well I'm fine." Elliot nodded but made no move to leave. Olivia sighed. "You want a beer?" Elliot slipped past her into the apartment and she closed the door behind him. They both sat down on the couch and Olivia picked up her beer while Elliot opened a fresh one.

"How long did Cragen give you?"

"He didn't really specify."

"So when are you coming back?"

"I don't know, Elliot. A while." They fell into silence for a while.

Olivia finished her beer and Elliot handed her another. "What's going on, Liv? What the hell happened up on the roof?"Brittany had told her to talk to someone, and she knew Elliot was the only logical choice, but she still wasn't ready to talk to him.

"Elliot, please, just let it go."

Elliot stared at her for a minute, then nodded. He took another swig of his beer. "Got a new partner."

"How's that working out?"

"Some hot shot rookie, thinks he's God's gift to law enforcement." He shook his head and Olivia smiled. "He doesn't seem to understand the good cop, bad cop dynamic."

"You mean he jumps in first and forces you to play good cop." Elliot nodded and they both laughed. "You'll just have to straighten him out."

"I will."

"Just don't break any bones."

"You know, you never let me have any fun."

"If it weren't for me you wouldn't still be a detective." Elliot looked at her. "You know it's true. I'm the only person who can keep you in line; without me you would have lost your job a long time ago."

Elliot nodded and an awkward silence washed over them again. "Do you think we've been partners too long?"

"What do you mean?"

"When we go into a dangerous situation, I know what you're gonna do and you know what I'm gonna do. We're in sync, we rely on each other. But we can't really be partners for the rest of our careers, right? How are we supposed to get used to someone new?"

"I dunno, El, but I'm sure I'll be fine."

"And me?"

"Well, let's see, how many partners have you driven off since I first joined SVU?" She smirked and Elliot just shook his head.

"Do you think we really know everything about each other?"

"No. But we know what we need to know, I guess."

"Do you consider us friends?"

"What are we, in third grade?" Olivia put her beer down on the table and pulled her legs under her.

"When we go into a dangerous situation we both know what the other's gonna do. We work off each other in the interrogation room. We're in sync on the job. But I don't really know anything about you. Your past, your family, yeah, I know about that stuff. But I don't know the things a friend should know."

"Like what?"

"I dunno. Like...your favourite colour, your favourite music. I've never heard you scream or seen you cry or heard you really laugh."

"You've seen me cry."

"No, actually, I haven't."

Olivia thought about it for a minute, searching back through her memories, then sighed. "I guess you're right. But you've heard me laugh, I just did 2 minutes ago."

"I mean milk out of your nose, doubled over, can't breathe sort of laughter."

"I've never had milk come out of my nose." She smiled.

"You're not in the mood for serious, I get it." He took another swig of beer.

"Fine. My favourite colour is purple. Your turn."

"I hated you for transferring to computer crimes. And I missed you when you went to Oregon. And I knew you were never really interested in Moss."

Olivia just stared at him for a minute. When she recovered, she said, "I cried when Agent Cooper killed herself. I lost it in front of Lake."

"Why didn't you say something?"

"I dealt with it. I moved on."

"When I got to the hospital after Kathy's accident I was ready to slap you, just go off on you. But when I saw her and Eli my head cleared and I was grateful you were there for them."

"I was jealous." It was Elliot's turn to stare. "After all your problems, all your late nights at work and lack of communication, you still got your family back with yet another addition while I had to keep coming back here to spend my nights alone."

"Liv...I'm sorry." He was shocked and couldn't think of anything more to say.

Olivia wiped her hot tears away furiously. "Well, there you go, we've strengthened our bonds. Now get out." She stood up and tried to walk to the kitchen, but Elliot stood up and put his hands on her shoulders, blocking her path.

"I'll leave if that's what you want. Just...Maybe it's not what you wanna hear, but you deserve to be happy. Those people at the adoption agency are idiots, and it's because of them that there are so many homeless children being lost in the system. You would be ten times the parent I am." He released her and turned towards the door.

"Wait." Olivia grabbed his arm and he turned around. She stared at him, her eyes filling with tears, trying to get a grip on her voice before she spoke. Before she could speak, Elliot wrapped his arms around her and she started to cry. It was an odd sensation for him, seeing this impossibly strong woman cry. "I'm tired of being alone."

"You don't have to be. I'm here for you, Liv."

"Harris attacked me." Olivia lifted her eyes to Elliot's and he just stared, waiting for her to continue, his arms still wrapped around her. She rested her head on his shoulder again, not wanting to see his reaction as she spoke. "He took me to the basement. I shouldn't have let him, but I didn't realize where we were going until it was too late. He had a mattress on the floor and he threw me down. I got up and he pushed me against the wall. He undid the handcuffs and I hit him and ran. I tried to hide but there was nowhere to go. It didn't take him long to find me. He hit me a couple times with his club until I was on my knees. I hit him and ran towards the door, but it was locked. I yelled, but no one could hear me. He cuffed me to the door and pulled down his pants. I just cried and begged him to let me go."

"He raped you?" Elliot pushed Olivia away a little so he could look at her, but she avoided his gaze.

"No. Fin came down just in time. He...he saw me there. I was a total mess. I begged him not to tell anyone, not to talk about it. We had to tell Cragen what happened but we left out the details; he doesn't need to know how I felt."

"Liv, why didn't you tell me?" He pulled her into a hug again.

"I couldn't, El, I'm sorry."

"So on the roof..."

"He hit me with a pipe, the same way Harris hit me. I just sort of...lost it. I'd been having flashbacks for a while, but on that roof they just took over. I couldn't bring myself out of it. I couldn't let myself be a victim again; I didn't want to be on my knees begging again." She closed her eyes in an effort to keep her tears from escaping.

Elliot sighed and rested his cheek on the top of Olivia's head. "I'm sorry. I wish I'd known."

"At least now you've seen me cry," she said, smiling weakly.

"This isn't really what I had in mind," he said, releasing her so she could wipe her tears.

"What, you expected us to cry together over a chick flick?" They both laughed. "I'm okay, El, really. I just need some time to deal with this."

"I'm glad you finally told me. If you need anything just call."

"I will. Thanks, Elliot."