Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Never have, never will, so want to.

I am so sorry! I really meant to update sooner, but life happened. My excuses are at the bottom if you want to read them. I won three awards for this story so thank you everyone who voted for this story and all the things I won are on my profile. Anyway, Happy Holidays, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!

Chapter 9- Never Again

Previous:

I felt myself choking and gripped at my chest. I felt like I was drowning. I wanted to be drowning. And with that thought I fell over the edge of the river and let the water pull me under. I let the currents from the onslaught of rain bash me through my body against rocks. I closed my eyes and let the water have its way with me.

EPOV-

I felt my body start to float and fought to keep myself submerged. I thrashed around creating more waves in the already rippling river. I felt my back hit the rocks at the bottom of the water and dug my fingers into the ground keeping me anchored at the bottom. I closed my eyes tight, trying not to feel. I didn't want to live my life, no my existence anymore. I wanted to be human. I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.

I felt someone grab my ankles and drag me up from the bottom, the rocks crumbling beneath my hands in my effort to stay rooted beneath the water. I was pulled up and dragged onto the land. I was released and then enveloped by another pair of arms. I heard Esme's soft sobbing as she held me close to her. I completely fell apart in her arms. I threw my arms around her pulling her closer as I sobbed in her arms, dry sobs that wracked through my body as I sobbed harder and harder. I felt her pull me even closer as she cried with me. She just held me there as the rain poured down on us and gently started rocking me back and forth as she stroked my hair.

For the first time I let my family see my real pain. I let my mom comfort me in a way that only she could. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I couldn't suppress how much it broke my heart every second to have her away. I pined for her when I left her. I needed her in my arms again, but knowing she was safe I kept myself away. I thought she would be happy living a human life. She would grow up, meet a human man that made her happy, have children and die after having a nice long life. She didn't need me to damn her to this hell. To be a monster who could only live off of killing others. But no matter how much I thought she was happy and that this was better for her, I yearned to see her face, to smell her tempting blood and to hold her in my arms again and never let go. To kiss those full lips and see her delicious blush knowing I caused it.

But now she was dead. I should have been there to protect her and its all my fault. I had kept myself away from my family hiding the pain of my separation from her and knowing that she thought I didn't love her, but I never planned to live in a world where she didn't even exist. As soon as I tried to run, to end my pitiful existence they were there, led by Alice. I was in no emotional state to fight Emmett and Jasper and no matter what I did I couldn't get away. They held me and Alice kept constant watch on my future. I couldn't be with my love again and it was tearing me apart. I hid in my room and moved every month to go on a short hunting trip before enclosing myself in my room again drowning my sorrows in music. Loud music that I would have never listened to before but now it seemed like I had everything in common with. Songs like Going Under by Evanescence. I wallowed in my own self pity. I mourned for Bella, my sweet, beautiful Bella. I mourned for the fact that my family was falling apart in front of me and it was my entire fault. I pushed them away from her and had them leave a daughter and a sister behind. Jasper was an emotional wreck from the emotions of the whole family combined. I ruined their existence.

Now she was dead I could never hold her in my arms again. I would never see her or have her smell call to me with the tempting smell of freesia's and strawberries. I would never be there to catch her when she falls. I wouldn't be the one that makes her smile and I would never get to see her beautiful eyes lit up before me again. I would never understand her and her love of old books. I would never see the love in her face ever again. The worst part was that she died thinking I didn't love her. She died with a broken heart that she didn't even have a chance to mend and I was left with her hurt face in my memories for the rest of eternity. My last memory of her was when I broke her. When I crushed her soul and I had to live forever more with the guilt of lying to a beautiful angel who did nothing but give me everything she could. I had taken her for granted and now I would never be able to make amends. I would never be able to tell her how much I love her. I had finally found the missing piece in my life, and I never knew how big of a piece I was missing until she filled that empty gap in my dead heart. But when I gave her up I left my heart and my entire life with her, and now my heart has died with her and my life is no more.

The only thing I can possibly do now is to make sure she is never forgotten, so she can rest in peace. To have flowers surround her in death so she knows how much she was, is and always will be loved. But I can't even do that right. Every flower I put down dies, and every memory that comes with it are taken by the person tarnishing her grave and I can't stop it. The one thing I have left and I can't even do it right. So now I lay here in my Esme's arms, sobbing my heart out for the girl I had and could never have again.

I didn't even realize I was speaking until Esme's calming voice spoke up over the howls of the storm, "Sh. Its ok let it out. I've got you you'll be alright. You will make it through this. Shh," she tried to sooth me, but it didn't work.

All I could hear was myself mumbling automatically, "She's gone, she's gone, I love her, it's my fault, she's gone, I love, I miss her, I need her, she's gone, my fault, she's gone," over and over repeating those small phrases over and over while my mom tried to sooth me. We just let the rain consume us as we sat there together. Soon I felt the others that were silently watching our actions sit down around us. Not saying anything, but just watching. And then I finally started to calm down with the soothing presence of my family around me. I hated hurting them, knowing how much they cared about me, but I would never be complete again. My other half, my better half was now gone but I still had my family and for now that was enough to calm me but only just. Later my pain would come back full force but for now I just lay in my mother's arms surrounded by those who actually care for and about me as the rain continued to fall in torrents, streaming down our faces so that we looked like we were actually crying.

Sorry it is so short, but we are having visitors soon and I need to update my other story. I will try to update at least one story every weekend. I know it is not much and you guys deserve a lot more but I have moved up a level in school and my finals are coming up soon. Thank you to everyone who has been patient and to everyone who will hopefully keep reading. I have another story that I will be posting on New Years, and have another story that I need to update. So I hope everyone has a great holiday, and please review. I know I don't deserve it but it would make me incredibly happy. As a holiday gift maybe?

My excuse list for those of you who want to know-

-school

-homework

-studying

-ice hockey practices

-ice hockey games

-I got sick

-I have been helping my parents

-I have close to no time anymore and what I have I read all the story updates I get on my email.

-7HSVO7-