Author's Note: My fellow readers, it has come; The final chapter… of part one of this story. All of the suggestions that you have given me were absolutely wonderful and I had a lot to work with. I have spent all week thinking about every possible way of continuing this story and I have final made a decision:

The story shall continue here!

I will, though, name it Part Two. There will also be significant differences between part one and part two. Nothing dramatic like a complete 180 of the storyline. Even though I haven't decided yet if it will continue in Kaoru's POV or switch to Hikaru's – that still remains a mystery, even to me. So, just stay tuned because I will continue posting the story here, not in a sequel. Oh, and make sure to read the small Author's Note at the end of the story too, just to clarify a few things. If I tried to clarify here, then there would be spoilers to the chapter. And what fun would that be?

Disclaimer:I don't own anything. Seriously.


Chapter Nine: Failure brings about Coping

What the hell?

Death doesn't feel anything like they describe it in books and movies. Death is supposed to be relaxing and peaceful; it's supposed to help you let go of your old life and prepare for your new one in the next world.

So why do I, instead, have a pounding headache and feel like I'm going to puke all over? My body is so stiff that it's like I'm buried under a ton of sand. I'm so tired, I just want to sleep; aren't I already technically asleep, though? Why do I feel tired, even in death? And am I not supposed to meet with God or whoever and have Him judge me? Or has He already judged me?

Am I in Hell? I did take my own life; not even counting all of the other things I've done wrong in life. Perhaps I was sent to Hell instead of Heaven to forever live in the pain and misery I endured on Earth. However, that means I'll never be able to see Hikaru ever again. Of course he'd go to Heaven – Hikaru never does anything wrong.

If I knew I'd be sent to Hell, I would've hugged Hikaru a few moments longer before I kicked him out of the bathroom.

It seems Hell is doing its job; I not only physically feel like shit, but I emotionally feel it, too. I feel guilty and ashamed. Something keeps nagging in the back of my mind – like something's wrong. I'm afraid, and I don't know why.

It is then that I notice a noise next to my head that repeats over and over. It's quite annoying, actually. My head is already pounding so I don't need an abrupt, irritating sound echoing in my ears.

Another noise rises over the beeping. It makes my heart skip a beat and the blood in my veins to freeze. At first, it sounds far off and muffled. I weakly command my ears to start working again as I try to listen in closely, and before I know it, the noise runs up and slaps me in the face.

A stifled whine splits the air, automatically sending a shock through my heart. I inwardly wince when a breath is taken in, and then choked on as it tries to come back out harder than the person wants it to.

It isn't often I get to hear this person cry, although it isn't like I haven't.

But why?

Why is Hikaru's heart-wrenching, muffled sobbing being emitted around me? Is it part of the Hell I must now endure until the end of time? On top of the annoying beeping sound that repeats in sync with my own heart and the stale smell of the air around me, I'm also forced to bear the sound of my twin brother's broken and miserable crying for all of eternity?

His cries stab at my ears, making me want to throw my hands up and cover them. I want to silence the noises, and I want to hold my breath to rid myself of that awful smell.

Suddenly, something to my left shifts and it makes me go rigid. My muscles ache from my abrupt tensing and I want to gasp in pain – but I don't. I don't want the mysterious figure next to me to know I'm awake.

I think I have an idea who it is. Who else would approach me, a new recruit, in Hell?

Why, none of than the Devil himself.

The pounding in my skull doesn't cease, even when the pressure becomes so intense that it might just split my head in two. I can feel the Devil's presence by me, his unforgiving eyes on my body, causing my heart to speed up; the irritating, repeating sound coincidentally speeding up, as well. I can sense him scrutinizing me, and I refuse to move even a millimeter. I can only imagine what he'd do if he found out I was awake.

He's already made my body feel like complete shit, inside and out, as well as torment my mind with familiar sounds and bothersome rackets. He's manipulating me while I "sleep" and toying with my emotions.

And since I'm already dead, I can't even kill myself.

Tears sting my swollen, spent eyes. I didn't think it was possible for me to cry anymore.

No. No more crying. No more being afraid. I did what I did, and now I have to face the consequences of my actions. I will face the Devil and proudly take my punishments with my head held high. I was sent to Hell because it's what I deserve – it's all I will ever deserve.

With my head throbbing and spinning, my body aching, my ears screaming from the swirling mixture of beeping and whining, and my anguished heart hammering into my ribcage, I try to pry my eyelids open. My first attempt fails; just that little action has my stomach doing flips and causes the pressure in my head to increase immensely. I swallow thickly, choke down the nonexistent bile rising in my throat, and wrench my eyes open slowly.

Everything is fuzzy, and the sudden light hurts my eyes. I wait patiently for the images to merge together to become one and come into focus before opening them further.

I turn my head to my left, towards the presence of the one giving me such an uneasy feeling, and wait for the image to unblur. What comes into focus has my eyes widening and my mouth dropping open in fright.

I'd much rather be facing the Devil than the person next to me right now.

His striking orange hair is hanging over his face, covering his eyes. His body, slumped forward in a blue chair, is lazily propped up by his elbows on his knees. Clear liquid leaks down his face and carelessly drops from his chin as tiny sobs escape his lips.

Wait… this doesn't make any sense.

I scan the room quickly and make a discovery that sends fear-filled electrical shocks throughout my entire body. The irritating beeps are actually being produced from a bulky machine a couple feet away from the bed I'm occupying, and a long, thin, sliver pole is standing upright next to me holding two different plastic bags – one filled with clear liquid, and the other filled with a deep red.

I follow the tubs leading from the bags to my left arm, and that's when I notice it. Not only are both my arms bandaged up, sticking and pricking to the gauze every time I move them slightly, there is also something else wrapped around my wrists, preventing me from moving them far.

Brown leather cuffs are tightly wound around my wrists; a metal ring connects the cuffs to similar strip of leather tightly secured to the rails of the bed I'm lying in. I can't help but jerk my head side to side as I gaze at the restraints placed on me.

And then I realize it. It seems so obvious now.

I'm not dead. I'm not dead.

I failed somehow. I'm a failure. And now, I'm in a hospital.

How could this happen? How could this happen! I don't understand!

"Kaoru…" A voice startles me, making me jump and scoot away from it. The action makes my head spin, even though I couldn't have moved more than half an inch.

Hikaru is on his feet now. His hands are resting on the metal bedrails and he is leaning forward slightly. His hair is disheveled, most likely from running his fingers though it one too many times. Hikaru is staring at me with red, glazed eyes that don't know whether to portray sadness or anger. He eventually chooses the former.

My brother reaches a hand towards my face as more tears well up in his eyes. As soon as his fingers brush the skin of my cheek, I flinch back and shut my eyes. "Don't touch me," I weakly tremble in a raspy tone.

I'm too dirty to touch. I'm tainted and stained – why should Hikaru touch something like me? I don't want to make him dirty, too.

Hikaru lets his hand fall away and his head tilts down. I hear him whisper a desperate, "Why not?" which is followed by a quiet sob. I just shake my head and try jerking my hands up to hide my face. I yank at the straps, failing to comprehend their purpose. I stop only when I feel Hikaru's hands pin my arms carefully to the bed. Opening my eyes, I see him staring intently with his eyebrows scrunched down. "You can't move your arms, Kaoru," He whispers like it's a secret, "This is what they do to you in here. After what you did…" He trails off; his eyes close tight as his eyebrows begin to twitch and his mouth pulls down at the corners.

I can't take it anymore. I'm done beating around the bush. After trying to hide it for so long, and then failing at my suicide attempt, I'm just done. "How did you find me?" I rasp out in a tone that clearly shows my ungratefulness.

Hikaru stares me straight in my eyes. His expression isn't one of "sympathy" either. "What do you mean 'how did I find you'? I shouldn't have had to go searching for you in the first place! Do you realize what you did, Kaoru," Hikaru whines as more tears fall. Every tear that falls only causes me to hurt more. It makes me feel like the smallest thing on Earth – a worthless speck of dust that should be cleaned up and disposed of. "Do you really know what could've happened to you?"

"Yes, I do." I reply calmly.

"Then why," Hikaru bursts out, getting closer to my face, "Why did you do it? Why would you want to make me worry, make me chase after you? Why did you run away from me when all I tried to do was help you? I tried so hard, harder than ever, to help you. But the more I 'helped', the angrier you got. Do you understand what you're doing to me? Do you know exactly what you're putting me through every time you–"

"Just let me die!" I cut in, causing Hikaru to go silent. I squeeze my eyes tight as I try to push down the feelings of self-disgust and self-loathing. I'm just a huge burden on Hikaru. I cause more trouble than I'm worth. So why did he keep me alive? "Just let me die," I say more quietly. As hard as I try to suppress them, I can't hold back the liquid sadness begging to be drained from my eyes. I turn my head away from Hikaru, ashamed of the loss of control over myself.

Hikaru is speechless for a moment before I feel him back away from me a bit. "You really do want to die," Hikaru chokes out in a voice barely above a whisper. I just nod my head sullenly, refusing to look in his direction.

The hospital bed's mattress then dips in and I feel two hands come to rest at the sides of my head. The sudden closeness of another person throws me off and my eyes fly open. Hikaru is on all fours above my body, staring down at me with unshed tears threatening to fall. I glance away from his face and stare at a random spot on the wall instead. I'm not worthy to look him in the face.

"Say it again," Hikaru trembles out. I don't know what he's talking about. I decide to just continue looking at the imaginary spot on the wall. "Say you want to die, but this time, look me in the eyes and say it." Hikaru says again, only a little more demanding this time.

He wants me to do what? The whole time I've been trying to conceal my emotions, and all the time he's been trying to rid me of them, he now wants me to just come out and say it? Shouldn't it be obvious to him? I mean, he did find me at the creek, right?

I don't speak and I don't move. The tears roll from my eyes, some going across the bridge of my nose, and soak into the pillow beneath my head. I instinctively reach up to wipe my weakness away, but the leather restraints prohibit me from doing so.

It gets pretty awkward with Hikaru staring down at me after a few minutes. Usually, being this close would cause no strange reaction from me, but not anymore. I just want him to go away and leave me be. Perhaps I can ask the nurses for a morphine drip, and then I can hike the dial up to a deadly amount. Or maybe I can request no visitors and when I'm alone, take the opportunity to jump out the window – depending on what floor I'm on.

"That poem you keep saying," Hikaru quietly pipes up. I listen without turning my head. "I don't know what kind of connection you think you have with it, but obviously it's not good for you. I regret ever finding it in that old book and showing it to you," Hikaru shakes his head, "But I heard you talking about it in the bathroom before you left. And since you've basically been living out your life through those damn rhymes, I figured your next actions would coincide with it. I don't think I've ever been more scared in my life to get the words of a stupid poem wrong." Hikaru gives a harsh laugh as a tear leaves his chin and lands on my cheek, mixing in with my own tears. He swallows thickly before continuing, "When I remembered the part about the creek, it hit me. I knew where you were running to; for the first time in weeks I actually felt like I knew what you were doing. I didn't even stop to tell the others where I was going, but they followed anyways. And when I found you…" Hikaru stops abruptly. His breathing ceases all together as he struggles to keep himself composed; failing as his body gives a jerk with every hiccup it wants to produce.

It breaks my heart to know Hikaru is hurting on the inside. I just want him to stop. He should just leave me already. Just get up off the bed, walk out of this room, and never return.

Hikaru unexpectedly grabs my face with his hands and presses our foreheads together. I shut my eyes before I have the chance to see his face up close. "Kaoru," he sobs, "I thought you were dead." Hikaru completely loses control after he utters those words; he makes guttural moans as his hands make their way into my hair and latch on. Little drips of water flow freely from Hikaru's face and land on mine in such quantities that I'd believe it was raining if not for Hikaru's loud sobbing. "Please," he cries out, "please, never do that again." Hikaru pulls away from my face a bit, but not by much. "Kaoru, when I found you I didn't know what to do. The only thing I could think of was to run my fingers through your hair, like I used to do when we were younger and you were scared or nervous. If Kyouya wasn't there to call for an ambulance, you'd probably be dead right now – and it'd be all my fault!"

"It wouldn't be your fault!" I exclaim. Just the thought of Hikaru blaming himself for something I did drives me insane.

"Yes it would be," he snaps back. "I'm the older brother. I'm supposed to protect and help my little brother when he's unhappy. What kind of a brother does that make me if I can't even help my twin? I'm supposed to know everything – but I guess I'm not that great of a brother after all."

"Stop," I weakly plead. Although, it falls on deaf ears as Hikaru begins talking again.

"Have you any idea how it feels to hold the cold, dying body of your brother? Do you have any idea what I went through when I had to carry you back to meet the EMTs at our house, all the while thinking that at any moment, you could stop breathing and die right in my arms?" Hikaru's next words cause shock to speed through my body and up to my brain, making it pound twice as hard, "Why do you want to leave me so badly?"

I gasp a little at his words.

I'm leaving him? No, no, no. He's got it all wrong. He's the one who wants to leave, not me. "I'm not leaving you, Hikaru," I rasp, my eyes still screw shut.

"How can you say that? For the past few months you've been distancing yourself from me. Don't you think I was afraid? But I didn't say anything, because I thought that was what you wanted – some space. I only caught on that something was wrong when you freaked out at Host Club and passed out a few weeks back. And even when I tried talking to you, you wouldn't tell me what was wrong. I asked you and asked you, but would you talk to me? No. Why do you want to leave me here all alone, Kaoru?" Hikaru cries and wraps his arms around my neck, burying his face in the crook of my shoulder as he trembles. "If you die I don't know what I'd do with myself," he wails, "I can't imagine my life without you."

I lay still in the hospital bed. The beeping of the heart monitor mixes with my brother's crying – a guilty and shameful feeling settling in the pit of my stomach. How can Hikaru be so upset over something like this?

Doesn't he want to leave? It'd be easier for him if I wasn't around to hold him back all the time.

I think about all of the events that have transpired in the last few months, mostly focusing on the ones that happened over the past few weeks.

I can remember waking in the dead of night, every night, and silently slipping away from my twin's embrace, just to spend the night alone in the bathroom. Every cut, every harsh word directed towards myself, was supposed to be the only thing I deserved out of life. Punishing myself for bringing Hikaru down was the only thing I believed I lived for on those nights.

But what about Hikaru?

All the nights I made him spend alone in a cold bed, all the secrets I've kept from him, and all the times I've hurt him not only emotionally, but physically. And not once did he do anything to hurt me in return. If anything he only held onto me closer and still did all he could to try and get me to feel better.

Hikaru never once backed away from me. Everything he did was for my benefit, and all I did was throw it back in his face and walk away.

I can't stand the torn feelings swirling around my head. I want to thank Hikaru for trying to help, but I also want to yell at him for wasting his time on me. I want Hikaru to stay by my side, but I want him to leave my worthless presence behind so he may continue on with his own life carefree.

Why am I so full of contradictions?

With my eyes still closed, and Hikaru's sobbing echoing throughout my ear, I suddenly picture a young mother lying in the same type of hospital bed as me; although she isn't bound to the rails by restraints. Hikaru's crying gets a couple pitches higher in my mind until it's the right tone for a newborn baby. A long-ago story comes to life behind my eyes; the first twin, the eldest, is laid next to his identical brother by their mother's side in her temporary bed. The youngest twin, the one saved from the cold, cruel hands of a premature death, just stares at his mirror image with a questioning expression. As if to say, "Hush now, all is fine," the younger, calmer twin places a tiny hand on the crying twin's face, and all goes silent. The two baby boys stare into one another's eyes as they try to take in the new world around them. Perhaps they don't fully understand what or who they are just yet, but the bond they share goes far beyond human comprehension.

They are two halves of the same whole – once just a single person that split into two.

And now it's happening again. Hikaru, my elder twin with his head pressed into my skin, is crying. And it seems he won't stop until he knows I'm alright, that I'm alive.

If I could lift my hand I would, but the restraints don't allow me that kind of action. Instead, I settle for slowly turning my head to the left and gently nuzzling my nose in my twin's hair. It's the best I can do, and it seems to work; Hikaru cease his crying almost instantly.

I love the warm feeling of this embrace. It's almost intoxicating. I would give anything to stay in this comforting embrace for all of eternity with no interruptions.

Although, it seems Hikaru feels different. He picks his head up, and for the first time I see his swollen, puffy, golden orbs. I quickly glance away before I snap under the guilt weighing on my heart.

I can feel Hikaru's eyes roam my face for a moment before he leans down and places a brief kiss on my forehead. He then rests his forehead against mine again, but I try my hardest not to look at his face.

"Say it," Hikaru finally whispers. His warm breath ghosts over my face in a familiar manner, like how it used to when we would sleep so close to one another.

I remain silent.

"Look me in my eyes and tell me you want to die. If you can do that, then I will respect your decision," I can feel his arms tighten around my neck and hear his voice grow hoarse with the words he forces out, "If you're completely set on this, then I won't try to stop you anymore. I'll give you what you want."

Why is he going to make me say it? Obviously he knows what I want, so why make me say it aloud?

I can't even look Hikaru in his eyes to begin with. What makes him think I'll be able to confess something like that to his face?

I swallow thickly as more tears rise to the front of my eyes and immediately spill over.

I can't imagine the look Hikaru's face will take on once I say those words. However, this seems all too easy – just say the words and it's done? Could I have done that from the start? But it seems too surreal, wrong.

Hikaru remains silent above me. With our foreheads still pressed together for some sort of intimate contact, I can feel not only his body trembling, but I can hear his shaky intakes of breath, as well.

No matter what pain I caused Hikaru, he's always been there for me.

However, I want him to leave, because I know I'm nothing but a bother.

Although, I can't help but get a weird sense of remorse as I listen to his stifled whines and tiny whimpers as he awaits my words.

I should have died the moment I was born.

I was brought back to life, proving that I was not meant to crossover just yet.

Live.

Die.

Forgive.

Forget.

Life.

Death.

The choice is so simple for me. Certainly there must be a catch! It's so bizarre to actually have what I've wanted for so long just out of my reach.

But is this really all about my choice?

All this time I've been thinking of none other than Hikaru in my self-harming actions… but I have also neglected to tell him anything, and therefore, have kept secrets from him.

Is this choice really based on revealing my selfishness?

Hikaru wants me alive.

I want myself dead.

Am I really willing to give myself what I want despite what my twin has to say?

"Say it," Hikaru demands. The suspense must be getting to him. That's just like Hikaru – never the patient type.

Live or die? Live or die?

Live or die?

"Say it."

My eyes fly open.

I gaze into his moist, swollen, spent eyes. So much misery in them, so much pain. All caused by me.

I look him straight in his pupils, able to see myself reflected back.

Before I know it, my answer is given. The words fly out of my mouth, like some deeply hidden secret just waiting for the chance to make its appearance. The three little words have Hikaru crying all over again, hiding his face in my neck once again, not bothering to conceal the volume of his sobs.

"I wanna live."


Author's Note: I just want to say, everything about the way I've described the hospital treating you is 100% true. Just trust me, I know. After a suicide attempt, a doctor will place restraints on you. And that's not even the worst part – oh no. The worst is yet to come. And that's why this Author's Note is important: I'm actually going to give you a sneak peak at Part Two… which hasn't gotten a definite name yet. Don't forget to drop me a review and tell me what you think!

But anyways, here's the preview:

Part Two

You think it'd make me better? You think a few loving words and sobbed confessions would make everything go back to normal again? You have no idea what it's like in here. Not even Kyouya could get me out of this one.

The doctors assigned me a therapist. She's here to determine whether or not I'm stable enough to go home or get sent to a more "desirable" institution where they can further examine me; to find out if I'm a threat to myself or anyone around me.

My therapist, whose name I never bothered to learn, said it'll be a few days before they can make a decision. She's asking me a lot of questions Hikaru, and I don't know how to answer them. I just want to go home. I usually keep quiet at her prying words, but I don't think that helps my case any further. I'm not allowed to wear my regular clothes, either. Just this ugly, depressing hospital smock that makes my figure resemble a massive rectangle.

Hikaru, I miss you. You tell me how much you love me, and you promise that everything will be okay – that I'll be okay. But when will that start? When will I start to actually believe your words? I so desperately want to trust in you and believe that you would never lie to me. But something is wrong with me, Hikaru. Something in my brain just doesn't want me to function.

You need to go home – you need to rest. Don't worry about me right now, dear brother. You keep telling the nurses that you won't leave me here alone and I know they're starting to get angry. You can rest now, I promise.

They have me locked up tight here with enough supervision that you'd believe I committed a murder. Well… I guess I almost did.

Hikaru… you've always been there for me to try and help in any possible way. But I've gotten myself into this mess. I don't want to drag you down along with me. I'm going to have to face what I've done; it feels like I'll never return to the old person I used to be. It's going to take a while to fix the damage I've done. It's going to take a lot of self-restraint, and I need to put trust in myself, as well.

I hope I have enough strength to resist these urges.

The Dead Boy reflected in the window's glass seems to be mocking me and my failure – and right now it's taking all of my willpower not to break the glass and set him free.