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Chapter 9: Sara

When I got home this morning there was a message on my machine. Well actually it wasn't one. There was silence on it, I could hear someone breathing. I heard a sigh and the line went dead. I knew it was Cake. I knew it on my guts. I've cursed myself for not being home. I hit my head against the wall. I've missed her call, I've failed her.

After a long hot shower, I phoned Brass and asked him to trace the call. It led me somewhere outside of the city. I went there to look around and ask people if they saw her. Nothing.

Then I've decided to go around the hospitals. I didn't want to do it myself before because I wanted to believe that she was ok. But I had to face that possibility. It's been almost forty eight hours, I know how cruel and violent this city can be.

I went to every hospitals from where she called me to the closer from Catherine's home. In the end of the day there was only one left the Desert Palm Hospital.

I've been relieved when all the hospitals didn't recall anybody like Cake coming in. Well it was a little hope that she was still unharmed. I didn't want to think about the other possibilities that could send my hope against the wall.

xxxxx

I've been at the reception desk for about half an hour, expecting the same answer as the other. But when the nurse came back I could tell by the look on her face that something was wrong, very wrong.

"We do have someone who might match the description you gave me." She started. I could feel my heart beating so hard it was about to explode my rib cage. It didn't felt like it as the end of the nightmare but rather like it was the beginning of a new one. I could decipher her look. I think I have the same while I talk to the family of the victims during a case. It's a look full of compassion.

I felt my whole body tense before I asked "How is she? Is she ok? What happened?"

The nurse was about to reply when a young man no older than Greg came to us. Come to think of it he could have been his brother. He has dishevelled blue hair and a sweet face. He was a bit taller than me. He had deep blue eyes. They were almost the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. Almost.

"This is Doctor Donovan, he took the patient in charge." The nurse said before retreating behind her desk.

I turned to the young doctor. I could feel a golf ball lodging itself on my throat as I dread what he was about to tell me. The nurse has avoided the answers to my questions so I had good reasons not to feel right about this.

"I'm Cameron Donovan. I am the doctor who took care of the young girl you're looking for I think." He said with a calm, gentle voice.

"Sara Sidle CSI" At this point I needed a wall to contain my emotions, to keep some composure. Work was – has always been – my safeguard, my last line of defence. I can hide behind it, hide who I really am, hide all my fears and secrets.

"We probably should sit down."

"Cut it Doc. I'm dealing with as much horror, if not much, as you do everyday." I wasn't in the mood to be messed around. So I cut right through the chase. "What happened? How is she?"

He looked taken aback by my bluntness. But his eyes were displaying understanding.

"She's been beaten up badly, raped several times and stabbed." His voice was emotionless whereas his eyes showed me sadness, disgust and anger.

"You didn't answer the second question." I don't know how I've managed to talk or to keep on breathing. The world was spinning backward and my heart was slowly giving up on me. A look in the doctor's eyes and I felt the Damocles' sword falling onto my neck.

"We tried to save her but she had lost way too much blood and her body was too weak." He paused "She is dead. I'm sorry."

Three words. Three little words and yet they were lethal. I couldn't quite believe what those words meant. I didn't want to believe they were true. My life ended with those three words. Cake was dead and it was all my fault. How could I live with that?

"This can't be." I whispered. My body was shaking. I couldn't feel my legs. I felt like everything in me was turning into ashes. "This can't be" I repeated. I needed to be sure. Those were only words. Words were treacherous. Cake couldn't be dead. "I need to see her."

xxxxx

I've spend hours in morgue. Hours with dead bodies, with humans remains. But this was something else. I felt like the walls were moving closer from each other. Like they were retracting themselves on me. Everything was unreal. I couldn't breathe there wasn't any air. My legs were threatening to let me down at every minute.

The coroner pulled a body out of a drawer. The sheets were soaked with blood. I thought I was about to spit my guts out.

Then he took the sheet away, revealing the body. I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe or feel or anything. I had to blink several times to make the vision go away, but it didn't work. It was real. The last thought I remember having were: Dear God.

xxxxx

I got to my car without noticing it. I was on autopilot. I was a body, nothing more, a living- dead. I felt lost and dead.

I drove back to Catherine's. I had to tell it. I had to get the words out of me. I felt like everything was rotting inside me. I was going somewhere that was dark, scary and lifeless.

Once I got to the driveway I exited the car. I don't know how. My body seemed to walk on its own.

Nancy was on the porch like yesterday. I could feel the bitter taste of déjà vu.

She stood up the minute she saw me. We spoke a long time with our eyes. She saw the panic in my eyes. She knew something was wrong. I tried to tell her, I could feel my lips moving but nothing was coming out. She cupped my face with both her hands, they were warm and I was so cold.

"Tell me" She asked softly. She was a bit distresses by my demeanour. "Sara, I'm here...Tell me" she repeats.

"I went around the hospitals today." I heard myself say. "At the Desert Palm there was a girl matching Lindsey's description." I saw the light of understanding on her eyes. She kept her words silent but I knew she was wondering if it was Lindsey or not. "It wasn't her." I was so detached from reality that I wasn't sure I was talking at all. "It wasn't her" I repeated. Relief washed over her but she remained focus on me. She was truly concerned.

"What else Sara? Give me the rest, I know there is more." Her tone was gentle. The warmth emanating from her was somewhat reassuring. I held onto that warmth as if my life depended on it. Come to think about it, somewhere it did.

"That girl... She's been beaten, raped and stabbed... that's what I fear the most... if anything happened to Cake I won't forgive myself..." I could feel my body shake violently. "It wasn't her... but she... I knew it wasn't her...but... my eyes played tricks on me... for a moment I saw Cake not the other girl... it was... it was...oh God" I couldn't catch my breath.

She pulled me to her. I held her as hard as I could. I think it was painful and that she could barely breathe but she just held me back as hard, if not harder. I could feel the tears burning my eyes.

At that moment I was glad I've let her in. Let her see me bare, so to speak, without my armour. Normally I would have berate myself for such a display of weakness, but truth to be told I couldn't care less at that very moment. I needed someone to hold on to. Nancy was there and I was thankful she was.

"Shhh..." She soothed me. "It wasn't her." She paused "That girl didn't deserved what happened to her... and it wasn't Lindsey. Do you hear me? It wasn't her."

"I know... but..."

"No buts, it wasn't her... Remember what you said, we have to hold on the feeling that she is safe and sound, otherwise it's pointless to keep breathing. Hold on to that feeling and hold on to me. Lindsey needs you." She paused "So do I." I squoze her harder. "Please get a grip... Please" She begged me.

"Ok" I muffled. My head was on the crook of her neck so I could make disappear the whole world for a moment and focus on our embrace. She was giving me strength.

I released my grip on her just a little. Somewhere she understood that I wasn't ready to let go yet. The shaking had subsided but I needed to get some piece of mind back.

"I'm sorry" I whispered

"Don't be. That's why I'm here ."

"Thanks"

"Do you feel better?"

"Yeah just enough to keep going." I told her honestly.

"Good"

"How do you feel?" I asked, I might had gone through a big emotional shock but I wasn't totally selfish not to see that we were on the same boat.

"I'm ok, don't worry."

"Catherine?"

"She talked a bit and then she sank back into her world again. Since Warrick left she's been pacing like a caged animal."

When she told me that I've turned my head toward the house and I saw Catherine. She was still, staring at us with an expression I couldn't quite decipher. Then she disappeared out of sight.

I took a deep breath and completely released Nancy. She cupped my face again and looked at me straight in the eyes.

"It wasn't her. We're going to find her." Her tone left no room to argue and it gave the rage to keep on fighting. I kissed her forehead.

"Thank you for being here." I said. She smiled at me and then we entered the house.

xxxxx

Once inside Catherine wasn't in the living room nor in the kitchen. Nancy put the coffee pot on. And I told her about the phone call. She stood silent.

"Well there is still hope." That's all she said. I know she was thinking about all the 'what if'. What if I had been home taking the call instead of sleeping? What if something bad has happened to Lindsey and there is no one for her. And so on. But somewhere she decided to only voice the little hope.

I stood up and started to leave the kitchen to go see Catherine.

"Are you going to tell her?" Nancy asked me. I thought about it a second.

"No." I paused. " She doesn't need this right now."

xxxxx

I looked for Catherine and found her in Lindsey's bedroom. Curled like a ball at the foot of the bed. She had a teddy bear in her hands. She was like a terrified child. I so wanted to take her in my arms and comfort her. That was what I was about to do. But she rejected me. She asked me to leave. She was upset. Those words ripped my heart apart though she said them without anger or contempt.

She reproached me with leaving her after our fight. After promising her that I wouldn't go. I understood her. I knew I had broken my promise. But it wasn't the time to argue. I didn't want to fight with her and I didn't have the force for that. Besides I didn't want to be a trouble for her, not when she was living the worse days of her life. So I've just let her know that I was there for her. I almost told her what I felt for her, after the day I had had I didn't have any walls left to hide my feelings so I fled as fast as possible.

xxxxx

I just realise I was in Nancy's arms. Again. I was so overwhelmed by my insecurities and fears that I think I've started to cry. I don't know when but Nancy took me in her arms. I honestly don't know what I've done in my previous life to deserve to know such a person but I'm definitely glad I did it. She's holding me silently as I let my despair killing me softly.

"More than forty eight hours and still nothing." I finally tell her.

"I know." She holds me closer.

"What if..."

"Don't." Her voice is firm slightly aggressive. That's the Willows' spirit I think. "Don't do this. Don't do this to yourself, don't do this to Catherine or me. Don't give up on her...on them. Cath needs you to support her, Lindsey needs you to find her and I... I need you to hold on." She takes a deep breath. "Do you trust me?"

"Yes"

"We're going to find her" I'm about to protest. "We are going to find her." She repeats vehemently. "We have to. I know we will. So I need you to believe it, to believe me." She lets her words sink in. She forces me to look at her in the eyes. "Don't you dare give up now." Her voice is menacing and there is anger in her green eyes. "Do you understand? Don't you dare give up. You got it?"

"Yes" I'm almost scared of her.

"Now you're going to breathe deeply, take your keys and get back to your car. Then you will look for her over and over again until you find her. No matter how long it takes. But you won't give up, understood?"

"Yes" Her outburst is galvanizing me.

"Good." She softens a bit. "Don't give up please."

"I won't"

"Good."

I hug her tightly for a brief moment and head to my car. I'm about to put the ignition on when my cell phone rings.

"Sidle."


Hope is on its way...

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