Summary: What if Derek had never found out about Parker, and Spencer raised her alone?
Spencer sat at his desk, burying his head in his hands. He hadn't slept at all last night: more like took a few naps, none of which lasted more than ten minutes. For some reason, Parker had refused to sleep and opted to spend the entire night crying instead. He willed himself to stay awake, but it was slowly becoming a losing battle. Just as he was about to fall asleep, someone knocked on his desk. His head shot up and he looked at JJ, clearing his throat and sitting up straight, attempting to look busy.
She sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Another rough night?"
He nodded, rubbing his eyes. "Apparently sleep is nothing but a distant memory in my house." He reached over, taking a sip of his coffee. "I miss sleep. You'd think after not getting it for nearly ten months, she'd go easy on me." He laughed to himself. "That was my first mistake."
She leaned against his desk, biting on her lip. "Spence, there's a very easy solution to all of this-"
He gave her a look. "I told you, I'm handling it. She's my daughter and she's my responsibility, not his."
She lowered her voice. "But technically, she is half his. He may not be on the birth certificate and you may not have told him, but she is Derek's daughter, and he could help."
"I've said it before and I'll say it again. He didn't bother to remember the night she was made, so I'm not tying him down. If a night with me and making his daughter wasn't worth remembering, I'm not going to reward him with the knowledge that she's his. Now can we drop it?"
Reaching over him, she grabbed his coffee cup, leaning down to whisper in his ear. "I just want you to be happy, Spence. This is starting to affect you at work, and I don't want to see you get in any trouble because you're being stubborn." Before he could respond, she picked up his cup, walking to the break room and refilling it.
Emily set down her folder, eyeing Spencer across from her desk. "Everything okay?"
He sighed, nodding. "Everything's fine."
She pointed to his shoulder. "Is that why you showed up to work this morning with spit-up on your shoulder?"
He paused, glancing over at his shoulder and groaning, grabbing a tissue and wiping it off before burying his head in his hands, taking a deep breath.
"She's not going easy on you, is she?"
He shook his head. "No, definitely not. I commend all single parents out there, because to put it nicely, this sucks."
"I'll bet." JJ walked by, setting the coffee in the middle of his desk, not looking at him and going directly to her office, closing the door. Emily raised an eyebrow, pointing to JJ's office. "Everything okay with you two?"
He shrugged, looking back at his paperwork.
When 5:00 came around, he glanced at the clock and was extremely thankful, getting up and packing up his things. He yawned, putting his coat on and putting his bag over his shoulder, stretching before taking the last gulp of his coffee.
Emily eyed him. "Do you need a ride home, Reid?"
He shook his head slightly. "I'll be fine. Just a quick train ride and I'll be home."
She buttoned up her jacket. "Come on, you're dead on your feet. At least let me drive you this once." He thought about it and before he could answer, yawned again. "Okay, now I'm insisting." She grabbed her car keys off of her desk. "Let's go."
He followed her to her car and got in, thanking her a few times and setting his bag down, buckling himself in. She started the car, pulling out of the parking spot and driving.
Not long after, she attempted some small talk with him, but looked over and realized that he had fallen asleep. She sighed, turning up the heat to make him more comfortable. She knew she wasn't the only one to realize how hard everything was on him, and that every single person on the team was worried. She only wished the ride could've been a little longer so he could've gotten a little more sleep, considering it was probably the only sleep he'd be getting.
Parking in front of his building, she reached over, shaking his arm. "Reid, we're here."
He took a deep breath, opening his eyes and wincing at the sunset. "I'm sorry, I must've dozed off."
"Don't worry about it. I'll see you tomorrow?"
He nodded, picking up his bag and unbuckling himself, getting out of the car and walking inside.
Emily watched the window, making sure he was in his apartment, before driving away.
It wasn't that Spencer hated being a parent: that wasn't the situation at all. He loved coming home at the end of the day, dismissing the nanny, and devoting every single second to Parker. Having someone who was completely dependent on him and being the person who could put a smile on her face was one of the most rewarding things on the planet. There were, however, several drawbacks. He couldn't go on cases with the team, because he didn't feel comfortable leaving Parker for long periods of time, so he was stuck working with Garcia in her office while they were gone. Any time there were nights where the team met up for drinks or cooking lessons at Rossi's, he had to either find a way to bring her or decline the invitation. Very rarely was there a 'night out' for him, and the only kind he got was when someone would offer to take her for a few hours so he could have some time to himself, which usually resulted in him getting sleep. He was always tired, and as a result, very irritable, even with a ton of coffee in his system. He never regretted having Parker for a single second, because she was his everything, but sometimes parenting took its toll on him.
A few days later was the first time Spencer finally broke down. He had fed, burped, bathed, and changed Parker, but she wouldn't stop crying. He tried everything he could possibly think of from the books, but nothing was working. He ended up setting her in the bassinet and sitting on his bed, head buried in his hands and crying. After reading all of the books, he thought he'd be able to handle parenting, but tonight was proving that he could read up on something all he wants, but it's not going to be enough. It took a couple minutes before he reached for his phone, realizing he needed help.
"Hey, Boy Wonder, how's my princess doing-" she paused, "what's wrong?"
He sniffed, wiping his eyes. "I don't know what I'm doing and I'm a complete failure. I did everything, I don't know what's wrong, and she won't stop crying."
She sighed. "Reid, I'll be there in ten minutes, okay? I just need you to spend the next ten minutes trying to calm her down. You are a great parent. You are a lot of things, Spencer Reid, but you are not a failure, you hear me?"
He picked up Parker, resting her against his knees and sighing, pushing her hair back. "Tell that to her." He tried to calming her down, but sighed, screwing his eyes shut. "She seems to think otherwise."
Garcia packed up her bag. "She's just a baby, and you're the world as far as she knows. She doesn't hate you, she just doesn't have her own way to communicate to tell you what's wrong. I'll be there soon, sweetie. Just try to calm down."
"I don't want to be a bother, Garcia, I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to apologize for." She grabbed her car keys. "I'll see you in a few minutes."
He wiped his eyes, sniffing. "Thank you."
"No problem, 187."
She hung up and he took a deep breath, sighing, lying back and resting Parker on his chest, rubbing her back. "Come on, Parker," he whispered, kissing the top of her head, "it's Daddy, and I love you very much. Please calm down."
When the response to that was another scream, he screwed his eyes shut, willing himself not to start crying again. He reached on the nightstand for a pacifier, putting it in her mouth and rubbing her back, humming. "Princess, please go easy on Daddy. This nightly routine of 'cry until Daddy cries' is really hard on me. I just want you to be happy and healthy and crying this much is making you neither of those things."
Garcia let herself into Spencer's apartment a few minutes later, setting her bag down by the door and walking to the bedroom. Surprisingly, she found Spencer fast asleep, Parker sucking on a pacifier curled up on his chest, looking up at him. Relieved, she picked up the infant, kissing her forehead and rubbing her back.
"You really need to go easy on him," she whispered. "He gave up a lot to have you, and he's deadset on doing this by himself." She reached down, pulling a blanket over Spencer and tucking him in. She walked out to the living room, setting Parker in her swing and buckling her in, turning it on. "So you're the reason your Daddy comes into work in a zombie mode and falls asleep, huh?" she asked, tickling her. "You're lucky you're so cute, little one." Parker smiled up at her and she smirked. "We're going to let your Daddy sleep, aren't we? Yeah, because he hasn't had a night's sleep in weeks. Aunt JJ took those few days off after you came home, but I'm pretty sure you've deprived him for the past few months."
Spencer woke up several hours later, confused. He didn't remember falling sleep, and he definitely didn't remember Parker falling asleep. He sat up, stretching slightly and looking over at the clock: how did he manage to sleep until 4:00 in the morning? It instantly hit him that something had to be wrong with Parker if he hadn't heard her crying at all during the night. Turning to his right, he checked the bassinet, but didn't see her there. Panic immediately set in and he jumped out of bed, running to the nursery and seeing that too was empty. If something happened to Parker because he fell asleep, he'd never forgive himself. He walked out to the living room and saw Garcia feeding Parker, humming softly.
Relieved, Spencer sat down beside her. "I didn't hear you come in."
"That's because you were passed out cold," she said with a smile, adjusting the bottle. "I came in and you were fast asleep, and this one was looking up at you and sucking on her pacifier. Looks like you finally found the secret –pacify her."
He ran a hand through his hair, exhaling. "I'm sorry for bothering you. I just – I couldn't think of what else to do. She wouldn't stop crying and I hadn't slept in I don't even know how long, and-"
She put up her hand. "I want you to go get a few more hours of sleep. I'm off tomorrow, I can stay up with her. If you fall asleep at your desk one more time, I'm pretty sure the director's going to get involved. Now, kiss her goodnight and I'll wake you up when you have to get ready for work."
He wanted to object but sighed. "Thank you, Garcia. You have no idea what this means."
"I'm sure I do.."
He bent his head down, kissing Parker's forehead and putting his finger in her hand. "I love you, Princess. Be good for Aunt Penny."
"She's going to be fine, worrywart. Go get some sleep."
He got off of the couch, walking toward his bedroom. At the last second, he turned around to face her. "Garcia, can this stay between us?"
She looked up at him. "Our little secret, 187."
He smiled appreciatively, walking into his room.
Since then, there had been one night a week where Garcia just happened to need something from Spencer, and it would result in her watching Parker for a few hours while Spencer would get some sleep, even if it was only for a couple of hours. The pacifier had, in fact, been a godsend, and it was coming to his rescue a lot more than he expected. There were now some nights where Spencer would actually sleep for a couple of hours while she did, and it was one of the greatest things he'd ever experienced.
One morning, he woke up to Garcia in his apartment, making him breakfast. He tried insisting that he didn't need it, but she wasn't going to have that. She made him breakfast, waited with him until the nanny showed up, then drove him into work. Though he was never the type of person to depend on someone, he really enjoyed this system.
"I take it you have everything under control?" Emily asked.
He shook his head. "Not all under control, but I have a system."
She raised an eyebrow. "A system?"
"Mhm. I dismiss the nanny, Parker gets a bath, I feed her, I change her, she stays up for a little bit in her swing, she gets fussy when I change her again, but that's nothing her pacifier won't fix. Then she goes down for a couple of hours while I actually sleep."
"Just a couple of hours?"
"It's more than I was getting," he reasoned, taking a sip of his coffee. "Two hours sure beats a combination of thirty minutes."
She smiled. "I'll bet. Rossi's having us over for another cooking lesson tonight, are you in?"
He shook his head again. "I don't think I can. I finally have something that works and I don't think changing the routine is the way to go."
"It's just a few hours," she started, "and I think it'll do both of you some good to get out of your apartment."
He took a deep breath, sighing. "Yeah, I'll just be late. It takes a while to get everything ready for her."
"No problem. Do you need a ride, or-"
"Garcia drove me in today, so I'm sure she'll be offering in no time. Thank you, though."
That night, Garcia drove the two of them to Spencer's apartment and kept an eye on Parker while Spencer walked into the nursery, packing the diaper bag.
"Too much?" he asked, looking over at her.
She looked through it. "That's a lot, but not really an exaggeration, considering it's one of your first trips out of the house with her." She handed Parker to him and zipped up the bag, picking up her swing. "You get the little princess ready and I'll meet you in the car."
He laid her on the changing table, changing her and putting her in a dress. "I know, I know, you're a baby and you don't need to be all dolled up, but I'd really appreciate it if we could keep this clean for more than an hour or so." He pulled on her tights and jacket, zipping it and putting on her hat. "We're going to see your aunts and uncles tonight, and you being on your best behavior would be amazing. They haven't seen you in a while, and Aunt JJ hasn't been by since her and Daddy had a disagreement, so I want you to show her that Daddy is doing a great job." She looked up at him and he smiled to himself, buckling her into her carrier and putting a blanket over her. "There we go."
He walked out to the car and snapped her carrier into the base, checking it and getting in himself.
"Ready for a Daddy's Night Out?"
He smiled. "We'll see how successful it is." He reached back, clipping a few toys to the handle of her carrier.
"How's the nanny working for you?"
He shrugged. "Okay. She's with Parker whenever I'm not and she's really great with her."
"So… why don't you go on cases?"
He sighed, leaning back in his seat. "I like her and I trust her, but I'm all Parker has. If something goes wrong, I need to be there. I'm not like Hotch and JJ. I don't have family to depend on. I've only known this woman for a few months and I'm not at a point where I'm ready to leave her with Parker for over 24 hours."
"I understand." She reached over, ruffling his hair. "She's your world now, and priorities change. This nanny may be great and come highly recommended, but she's not you."
"Exactly. And Rossi's doing me a huge favor paying her for me. I've tried insisting that he doesn't need to but-"
"He's a stubborn old Italian man. Believe me, we all know."
When they parked at Rossi's, Garcia grabbed the bags and swing while Spencer picked up the carrier, walking up to the house and opening the door.
"Sorry I'm late," he announced, setting her carrier down and wrapping her in a blanket, picking her up and kissing her forehead. "I had to get her ready which is no easy task."
Emily smiled. "It is totally okay." She took Parker from him, rubbing her back. "Hello there, princess. You going easy on your Daddy these days?"
Spencer smiled slightly as Parker curled up against Emily's chest. "Garcia's just setting up her pack and play and swing now, then we can get this started."
"That's fine, because we're waiting on Hotch and JJ to get here."
"…Morgan's already here?"
She pointed to a room. "Some form of sports game is on. If you'd like, you can take a break and I'll keep an eye on this little cutie until she goes down."
"Are you sure?"
"I offered, so yes, I'm sure. Go take a few minutes to yourself."
He thanked her, walking to the back room and taking a seat in one of the armchairs.
"Hey, Pretty Boy," Derek said, acknowledging that he'd entered the room but eyes still on the TV. "Surprised you could make it."
He ran a hand over his face. "My nanny couldn't stay the night, so I had to bring Parker with me. I'll probably only be able to stay as long as she's asleep, but," he shrugged, "it's better than nothing."
Derek turned his attention away from the game. "You're really only allowed a social life as long as she's sleeping?"
He nodded. "Afraid so, but that's my life now. I wake up, I go to work, I come home, and every waking moment is devoted to her."
"Doesn't that ever get to be too much?"
"Sometimes," he admitted, "there are some nights where it all just comes down on me that I'm alone with her and yes, I get upset, but I made a choice the night she was made, and I wouldn't trade having her for anything." He swallowed. "There are really tough times when I'm alone with her, but I just need to remember that I'm everything to her, and I can't let her down."
Derek sighed. "That takes a lot of guts. Are you sure you don't want to talk to this guy? You know who he is and I'm sure he'd be thrilled to find out he's a father, after the paralyzing fear of being scared shitless."
He smiled slightly, shrugging.
"I know you want to do this on your own, but he could help somehow. I see how exhausted you are at work, kid, and I know you're doing everything you can to raise her right, but it's okay to ask for help." He could sense Spencer's discomfort and tried to lighten the mood. "I sent my mom those pictures you gave me, because she doesn't trust her own children to settle down and have kids. She thinks she's absolutely adorable and she's proud of you for having such a happy kid."
Spencer mock laughed. "She should come by my apartment at midnight sometime, then maybe she'll change her mind."
"I'm sure that's not the case, and I'm almost positive every new parent struggles, especially single ones."
Derek laughed to himself and Spencer raised an eyebrow. "What?"
He shook his head. "Nothing. Last set of pictures, she tried to tell me she had my skin and my pout. Ridiculous, right?"
He took a deep breath, nodding. "Absolutely ridiculous. As if you'd be the only person out there with those features." He cleared his throat. "How's your girlfriend, the neighbor?"
"We're doing great. Coming up on five months soon."
"Congratulations, by the way."
Derek smiled, patting his back. "Thanks, man."
Spencer wouldn't admit it, but the fact that Derek had a girlfriend hurt more than Derek being in a relationship. He'd started dating her a week or so after Parker had been born, which was yet another reason he decided to keep the fact that he was her father hidden. There were several nights where he had been tempted to pick up his phone and call Derek and tell him the truth, but he didn't want to get in the way of his happiness by forcing him to interact with his daughter, or even suggesting that they share custody. At one point, he seriously considered it, but the next day, Derek had come into work talking about how in love he was with this woman, Nicole. Just the thought of her made Spencer's stomach turn.
Rossi was halfway through teaching them how to make the perfect chicken parmesan when Parker started whining. Spencer winced, mouthing a sorry and setting down his glass of water.
"I'm sorry, this has been great, but I have to go."
Rossi looked up at him, nodding. Usually nobody was allowed to leave his cooking lessons until the meal was finished, but Spencer had a free pass.
He walked into the living room, sitting on the couch and picking her up. He felt her forehead and sighed, dreading the day ahead with a sick baby.
Garcia walked in, holding out her keys. "Go, I'll have JJ drop me off after."
"Are you sure? We could just take a bus."
She shook her head. "I insist. Get the two of you home."
He put her jacket on, zipping it up and setting her in the carrier. After bringing her things out to the car, he was able to pull Hotch aside, sighing. "I'm really sorry, I am, but I won't be in for the rest of the week. I know, I don't have any vacation time left, but I'll take it unpaid. I just, I can't leave her alone, Hotch."
This was the second time in the past month and a half that Spencer was going to miss a considerable amount of work to take care of her, but he knew he couldn't convince him otherwise, so he simply nodded. "It's no problem, Reid."
He thanked him, buckling her in and waving to everyone on his way out.
Emily sighed. "Things aren't going to get better for him, are they?"
JJ raised her eyebrows, reaching over and grabbing a cooled off piece of pasta, eating it. "Probably not."
Since that night, Spencer very rarely made it out with the team, because he didn't want to kill the mood halfway through with a crying infant. Because of that, without his knowledge, the team decided they were going to have a biweekly meet-up at his apartment. The first time they showed up, he was in the middle of baby proofing and rested Parker against his hip, tucking the screwdriver into his pocket and opening the door.
"…Hello?" he said, looking at them curiously. Looking down at Parker, he saw her waving to them.
Garcia smiled. "Well hello, littlest Reid." She took Parker from him, pushing her way inside.
"…Not that I don't appreciate everyone being here," he started, holding the door open, "…but why is everyone here?"
"Considering the last few cooking lessons didn't make it into your schedule, we decided to come to you." Rossi walked inside, setting Chinese food bags on his kitchen counter.
Spencer watched as the entire team walked in and sighed. "I was in the middle of baby proofing when you showed up. Garcia, can you keep an eye on her for a few minutes while I try and finish this up?"
"I've got it. And why are we baby proofing?"
He smiled to himself, taking the safety plugs out of the bag. "Because after I got back from picking up the supplies as a precaution, she decided she wanted to walk all on her own."
JJ gasped, looking at Parker. "You walked by yourself? Good job, princess!"
Spencer went around, finishing up the baby proofing, then walked to the living room, setting Parker in his lap.
"So does she have a favorite toy you can bait her with?" Garcia asked. "I believe you that it actually happened, but I want to see for myself."
He shook his head. "She just favors her blanket from my mom when she's sleeping. She has to be in the mood to do it, though I'm sure if I put her down she'll do it."
After Parker showed off her walking abilities to her aunts and uncles, they all sat around the table in his living room, eating. Spencer took out a snack cup, pouring in some Cheerios for Parker. She picked them out, offering to feed them to Spencer.
Hotch smiled. "She seems more concerned with feeding you, and I can't blame her."
Spencer mock laughed, taking one from her and eating it. "She likes to share, at least I didn't raise a brat."
"Oh you didn't. Now that she's actually sleeping at night, I'm sure she's a lot easier," Emily said, taking one from her and thanking her.
"Definitely. You don't realize how much you miss sleep until you get your first full night's sleep in nearly a year." He kissed the top of Parker's forehead and turned to Garcia. "Can we talk?"
She raised an eyebrow. "…Sure. Your room?"
He nodded, putting up a finger to the rest of their coworkers. "We'll just be a minute." He got up, walking to his room and sitting on the bed, setting Parker on the bed and watching her carefully as she crawled around.
She closed the door, sitting at the foot of his bed. "What's up?"
He bit down on his lip, grabbing Parker around the middle and pulling her toward him. "She's starting to look more like him," he said, wiping his eyes. "And I don't know how he hasn't caught on. I'm all but waving a giant flag that says 'you're her father' in front of him. For God's sake, his mother caught on."
"What?"
"A few months back, we were talking and he laughed at the fact that his mother said they have the same pout and skin. I mean, naturally, I denied it, but I don't see how he hasn't noticed."
She shrugged. "I don't know, sweetie. I've been dating men for nearly twenty years now, and I still don't understand them. I think even Hotch and Rossi have caught on, but they're not going to say anything when you don't want them to."
"Sometimes I think about doing it, just getting it over with and telling him, but that's completely messing up his life. He has her and he's happy."
Sighing, she rubbed his arm. "You love him…"
"Not like it matters." He exhaled, dragging Parker back to him and kissing her forehead. "He's got Nicole," he spat out. "He has a beautiful girlfriend who he's madly in love with, and I have a weekly major depressive episode over the fact that I'm alone and I'm going to stay that way, because nobody is going to want someone with a kid and more emotional baggage than anyone else."
She leaned over, rubbing his back and kissing the top of his head. "Don't you usually have these heart-to-hearts with JJ?"
He wiped his eyes, sniffing. "We haven't exactly talked that much since she snapped at me when Parker was a few months old to tell Derek. She'll come by and see her and buy her presents, but very rarely is there an interaction with the two of us." He took a deep breath, resting his head on her shoulder. "This isn't fair. I told myself that I would raise Parker on my own and I'd be happy, and I love her, but-"
"You can't help but think about 'had I told him, would things be any different'?"
"Exactly."
Spencer wasn't surprised when Parker started showing intelligence early, with early walking, talking, and speaking. What he did know, however, was that questions were going to start soon, and he wasn't quite ready to answer them. There were many times where he contemplated just telling Derek and getting it over with, because the fact that he still hadn't noticed was ridiculous. He'd gone over to Derek's apartment on a few occasions and couldn't help but see pictures of Parker hanging up around pictures of himself as a kid, and he wondered if he was really that stupid. On top of that, Derek was often preoccupied with his girlfriend, who seemed to have a dislike for Spencer, for what reason he wasn't sure.
"Daddy?" Parker asked, doodling with her crayons.
"Yeah, Princess?" he said, pouring his coffee and sitting across from her at the table.
"Where's Daddy?" she reached in the box, taking out another crayon.
"What are you talking about? I'm right here."
She shook her head. "The other one, 'cause I don't have a Mommy."
His eyes widened as there was a knock on the door. "That'll be Stephanie." He got up, clearing his throat. "I- we'll talk about this later on, okay?"
She held up her pinky and he smiled, wrapping his pinky around hers and kissing her forehead. "Be good for Stephanie when you get home from preschool, okay? I don't want to hear about you correcting her when she's reading again."
She sighed. "Fine!"
He smirked, walking over to the door and opening it. "She's already had breakfast and she's just in the kitchen finishing up some drawings. I should be home around normal time, if that changes, I'll give you a call." He put his bag over his shoulder, walking out to the kitchen and bending down, tilting Parker's chin up. "Kiss?"
She gave him a kiss and wrapped her arms around him, hugging him. "Bye, Daddy!"
"Bye, Princess." He ruffled her hair and waved to the nanny before walking out, closing the door behind him.
After making it to work, Spencer sat at his desk, immediately burying himself in his work, but not really focusing. In his head, all he could think of was how to tell Parker the truth without actually telling her the truth. It wasn't until mid-day that someone noticed his behavior. His phone started ringing and he reached over, answering his phone.
"Spencer Reid," he said, eyes wandering over his case file.
"I'd like to see you in my office, please."
"Yes, sir." He hung up and set the case file on top of his pile, sighing. "Damnit," he mumbled.
"What's wrong, is it something with Parker?" Emily asked, distracted by her work.
He shook his head, taking a deep breath. "As if Parker asking me about her father this morning wasn't enough, now I'm in trouble with Hotch."
She winced. "Lunch on me today?"
"If I make it to the end of the day."
Before she could ask what he meant by that, he got up, walking to Hotch's office.
"You wanted to see me?"
He pointed to the chair in front of his desk. "Sit."
He sunk into the chair, licking his lips and biting his cheek. "Hotch, I know I didn't finish the file from the Houston case yesterday, and I'm sorry. I know I said that I'd close it, but I had to get home to Parker-"
Hotch put up his hand. "This isn't about the Houston case, Reid."
He raised an eyebrow. "Then what?"
"You've been distracted at work for a few months now, and I'm concerned about you."
"…You're concerned, or the director is?"
"Both. I need to know where your head is at."
He cleared his throat, straightening in his seat. "To tell you the truth? …I don't know." He rested his head against his hand, sighing. "I just – Parker's been curious about parents a lot lately, and today she dropped the bombshell about wanting to know who her father is and I've been thinking about how to explain this whole situation to her." He eyed Hotch. "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I shouldn't be letting my personal life affect my work life, but I guess I just still haven't found the right work/life balance with the single parenting thing, even after more than two years." He ran a hand over his face. "I don't have family to lean on that isn't this team and I don't have any friends I can leave her with if I want to do anything for myself, and adding in the stress of the 'where's my daddy' question, my life is really complicated right now." He took a shaky breath, sighing. "And that was a lot coming out that I didn't expect."
"It had to happen eventually." Hotch didn't sound angry or upset with him, but empathetic.
Spencer laughed to himself. "Yeah, it just so happened to happen while I was on the clock and on the brink of another major depressive episode."
Hotch wrung his hands, looking across his desk at the younger man. He knew his life had become stressful since becoming a parent, but it wasn't until just now he realized how stressful it really was.
Spencer pressed his palms into his eyes, taking a few deep breaths. "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry."
Instead of sitting at his desk, Hotch got up, taking the seat beside Spencer and rubbing his back. "Being a single parent isn't easy, Reid, I can say that from personal experience. But you need to stop worrying about every little thing."
He swallowed. "With all due respect, Hotch, the 'where's my daddy' game isn't a little thing. It's a big thing. I don't know how to tell my daughter that I was with somebody for a single night, he never followed up, and that was that. How do you tell your little girl, who's never done anything wrong or anything to deserve just having a single parent that she was just an accident and her father knows nothing about her being his?" He wiped his eyes, sniffing and cursing himself for getting this upset. "This isn't fair."
"I wish I could tell you that life is fair, but then I'd be lying. Have you ever considered what you were going to do when this day came?"
He shook his head. "I was hoping I could hold off as long as possible on both points."
He raised an eyebrow. "Both?"
"I can't exactly tell my daughter who her father is and not tell him. If she gets curious one day, she'll go to him about it, and if he doesn't know? That's a lot to deal with." He sniffed, exhaling. "So not only do I need to bite the bullet and tell her, but I need to tell him, and I'm not sure how that's going to go over."
Hotch patted his shoulder. "I'll be here if you need to talk."
He nodded, biting down on his lip. "I'm sorry, I'll make up my workload. I'll come in on the weekend if I have to-"
"Don't worry about it." He rubbed Spencer's back. "I've been there before, and I'm not going to let you worry about paperwork when there are bigger things that matter."
He smiled appreciatively. "Is there any way I can ask a favor right now, or is that too much?"
"Depends on what it is."
He swallowed, clearing his throat. "Could you take Parker for a few hours so I can tell him? I need to get that out of the way before I even try explaining it to her."
"Jack's been asking to see her, so I don't think that'll be a problem. I'll grab her from Stephanie and you can pick her up at my house."
"Thank you," he said softly, practically a whisper.
Hotch sighed. "Take all the time you need to calm down."
He nodded, going back into his mind and trying to figure out what the hell he was going to do.
It had taken Spencer over a half hour to calm himself down in Hotch's office, though Hotch didn't seem to mind. He still hadn't figured out how he was going to go about this whole situation, but he knew he couldn't tiptoe around it any longer. After calling Stephanie and letting her know that Hotch would pick her up after work, he went out to his desk, sitting down and opening his case file. Once again, his focus wasn't on work, and instead was on the situation at hand.
Emily clicked her tongue, looking across the desk. "Lunch? I think you could use the distraction."
He checked his watch. "…I was in Hotch's office for nearly 45 minutes, I think that counts as my break."
"Did you eat?" she asked, pulling on her jacket.
"No, I was too busy having a breakdown-"
"Then it didn't count. Come on."
He sighed, getting out of his chair and pulling on his own jacket, putting his bag over his shoulder and following her out.
"So you're telling this guy tonight?"
He nodded, sipping his coffee and sighing. "I don't have any other choice. I mean, Parker's going to
know who he is, and I'd rather he find out from me than a nearly three year old."
She raised her eyebrows. "That's intense. How are you going to do it?"
"I have absolutely no idea," he admitted, stirring in more sugar. "I mean, how do you tell someone, after over three years, 'oh, by the way, that time we slept together that you don't even remember? Yeah, we made a baby, you have a two and a half year old'."
"…That seems pretty straightforward."
He gave her a look. "It's not happening."
She shrugged. "I don't know, Reid, maybe this can be a turning point. Maybe he'll decide that he wants to be involved after and things can go a little easier on you."
"Sharing custody and dealing with child support doesn't exactly sound like a good time. I just, I wish there was a way I could tell him 'Hey, by the way, here's your daughter. We're fine the way we are, just thought you oughta know'."
She smiled slightly. "That one could work. I mean, yeah, you had your struggles in the beginning, but you finally have a handle on this whole parenting thing. It took you a while, but it happened, and you're both happy."
"I just don't want him to want involvement with her, as selfish as that sounds. She's mine and has been for the past three years. I don't want him to think 'she's mine, time for me to step in and be a dad'."
"I hope it works out."
"Me too."
Once they got back to the office, Spencer took a deep breath, reaching for his phone and dialing Derek's number.
"Derek Morgan."
Spencer's breath caught in his throat and he found himself incapable of forming any words.
"Hello?" he checked the caller ID. "I know it's you, Reid. What's up, kid?"
He snapped out of it, clearing his throat and sitting up in his seat. "I um," he swallowed, biting his lip, "are you going to be home tonight? I really need to talk to you."
"…Does it have to be tonight?"
He reached up, wiping his eyes and cursing himself. "Um, yeah, sorry it has to be tonight." He screwed his eyes shut, taking a deep breath. "It's something that's really important and it shouldn't have taken me this long."
"What's wrong? Is this an 'I'm craving again' call, or an 'I doubt myself as a parent' call?"
He shook his head. "It's neither, I just… please? Can we talk tonight?"
"Yeah, I'll be home after work. How's my place after 6:00?"
"That sounds fine, thank you, Really." He bit his lip. "See you then."
"See you, kid."
He hung up and Spencer exhaled, burying his head in his hands and groaning loudly.
Emily walked past him, patting his back. "I'm sure we'd all be frustrated calling someone up after over three years."
Garcia raised an eyebrow. "…Who are we calling after three years?"
He ran a hand over his face, sighing. "I'm telling Parker's father he is, in fact, Parker's father tonight."
She leaned against his desk. "Are you sure about this?"
"I don't have another choice. She's started asking and I can't dodge the question anymore. It's better that he finds out from me than a curious little girl who wants to know more about him."
"But she knows him," she snapped, her voice low. She sighed, taking his hand and dragging him to her lair, closing the door. "What is going on?"
"Parker asked me again who her father is, and I can't keep avoiding the question, so I promised her she'd find out. Problem is, he doesn't know, and I want him to hear it from me so she doesn't call him up one day and say 'Uncle Derek, why are you my dad but you're never around?'"
"But – her not knowing is working so well! You two are happy!"
"Believe me, I know, but she's a curious kid. I think it has something to do with preschool, because they were talking about their families and she might've been upset that she just has one dad. I don't know, but whatever it may be, I'm done keeping secrets from her."
"Is it all set up?"
He nodded, chewing on his cheek. "I called Derek and we're going to meet at his place tonight. Hopefully sans Nikita-"
"Nicole," she corrected.
He rolled his eyes. "Sans her, so the two of us can have an honest conversation."
She frowned, leaning against her desk. "…You still love him."
He fidgeted with his fingers, sighing. "We all love our firsts, don't we?" He eyed her before looking back at his lap. "And every time I see her with him, every time he talks about her, I just want to remind him of what he did and what he said to me that night, but I don't have it in me."
"Because you're a better person than that, as much as it sucks." She rubbed his shoulders. "My phone is going to be on all night if you need to talk about this."
He patted her hands. "I appreciate it."
Spencer stood outside of Derek's apartment, pacing. He'd said after 6:00, and it had just turned 6:00, so he didn't want to go too early and have Derek upset with him before the conversation even started. Leaning against the wall, he took a deep breath, attempting to collect himself. He couldn't go in there upset, because then Derek would focus his attention on calming him down and nothing would get accomplished. Instead, he needed to calm down and just get this over with, no matter how mad Derek would be at him for keeping it from him for this long. He was about to knock when the door opened and he stepped back, waiting.
Nicole stepped out of Derek's apartment, and Spencer could swear that as soon as she saw him, she wrapped her arms around Derek's neck, pulling him in for a kiss. She pulled back, kissing his cheek and smiling. "Have fun tonight, I'll be back in the morning."
He smirked, leaning against the doorframe. "I'll see you then, beautiful."
Were he not in front of them right now, he'd definitely be making gagging noises at how cheesy the whole thing sounded.
"Spencer," he leaned back into his apartment, checking the clock, "right on time." He held the door open and Spencer stepped inside. He immediately noticed that the pictures of Parker were down off of the shelves and were replaced by what he would call some of the tackiest art on the planet.
"I um, I see you've redecorated," he said, pointing to the wall where her 1st birthday picture had been hanging.
"Yeah, Nicole's really big into art right now and wanted to hang some of her pieces at my place. Can I get you a drink?"
"Water, please." While Derek was in the kitchen, he noted that every single picture of Parker he'd given to Derek was taken down. He rolled his eyes, wondering if Derek had even the slightest bit of spine to tell her that he'd wanted to keep those up, unless of course, he preferred her ugly art.
Derek walked in, handing him a water bottle and sitting beside. "You needed to talk?"
He pointed to the walls. "…Where's Parker?"
"She's with Hotch tonight, isn't she?" He took a sip of his beer and saw where Spencer was pointing. "Oh, you mean – yeah, Nicole thought it was weird that I just had random pictures of my coworker's kid hanging up on my walls, and after a while, I saw how weird it really was. I mean, it's not like I'm her godfather or anything prominent in her life, so I didn't see the purpose. Instead, she's in a drawer in my desk."
Spencer scoffed, opening his water bottle and taking a sip. A drawer? His daughter had been downgraded from being on his walls to only existing in a drawer with his half-used pens and some index cards. The mere thought of it made his blood want to boil, especially considering it was because of something Nicole had suggested.
He set the bottle down, twisting on the cap. "So you and Nicole, almost three years now?"
He nodded. "She was one of the secretaries at the hospital when you were in there with Parker, so I guess I have you to thank. I'd walk past her desk on the way to your room, and one day I went back to talk to her… the rest is history."
Oh, great. So not only did he have to watch the man he loved be in love with someone else, but it was entirely his fault. "Are you going to marry her?"
He smiled, leaning back on the couch. "I don't know. Probably. She's really patient with my hours and she loves my coworkers," except of course me, "not to mention that we have a lot in common." Yeah, because you're an enthusiast for tacky art and hate people's children. "Now, come on, did you really want to come over here and talk about my girlfriend?"
No, right about now, I'd rather put her through a window. Spencer bit his tongue, taking a deep breath and sighing.
"Kid, what is it?"
Spencer closed his eyes, unable to face Derek. "I need to tell you something."
"…Okay?"
He reached up, wiping his eyes. "Your mom was right."
"My mom's right about a lot of things. Do you mind clarifying?" he asked, moving closer to him. "What's wrong, kid? You can tell me."
He sniffed, daring to open his eyes and look at Derek. "Three and a half years ago, we were both very intoxicated after the case in Tennessee. We did a lot of ridiculous things, and I know you said you don't remember them, but I need you to try. Just, please, close your eyes for me."
Derek looked at him, confused, but obeyed.
"It was a really bad case for me, and I chose alcohol as my way to unwind. We both know that was a horrible choice on my part, but you looked after me. You wanted me to be okay, you wanted to take care of me."
Derek nodded his agreement, unsure of where this was headed.
Spencer exhaled. "I did karaoke, very poorly from what I hear, and then I jumped in the pool. You pulled me out so I didn't drown, and you took care of me. Things happened from that point, Derek, do you know where I'm going?"
He shook his head and Spencer sighed, willing himself to go on.
"We shared a hotel room that night. We were both intoxicated and caught up in the moment, I propositioned you, and you didn't turn me down. That night, the two of us were together, intimately. You were the first person I ever gave myself to, and you were the last. Now do you understand?"
When Derek shook his head again, he groaned.
"I've only ever been with one person, Derek. And I have a daughter who's going to be 3 in July." He took a shaky breath. "Now look at me."
Confused, Derek opened his eyes, looking directly at Spencer.
"I've slept with one person in my lifetime, Derek. One. And I have a daughter, who means everything to me, because of it. I need you to understand me here. Please." He reached over, taking Derek's hand and squeezing it. "Please tell me you see what I'm trying to tell you."
Spencer saw the change in Derek in a matter of seconds: his face went from confusion to understanding to anger to even more confusion. He bit down on his lip, bracing himself for what was going to happen next.
Derek shot up off of the couch, running a hand over his head. "You mean to tell me that after three years, three years, of me threatening this guy and saying he was a piece of shit for not wanting any involvement with his daughter, after I offered to find him for you and make him be a father to your daughter, you didn't bother to tell me that I was standing right in front of you? What the hell, Reid?"
"I'm sorry," he instantly said. "I understand if you're upset-"
"Upset? You're damn right I'm upset. I thought I could trust you, man. I thought we didn't keep secrets from each other, especially something that was this important. This was the other half of your daughter and you didn't think to enlighten me even once?"
"I need you to see my side here, Derek. This wasn't just about you. Yes, you're her father, and thank you, thank you so much for giving her to me, because she is the best thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life and she makes every feeling of awfulness I've ever had just go away every single time she looks at me. But this was my life too. I found out I was pregnant and my world flipped upside down. All of a sudden I was pregnant after being with somebody for a single night. One night changed my life forever, and I wasn't going to let that happen to you. You quite obviously didn't remember that night with me, and obviously being my first time it was very forgettable for you, and I'm sorry for that because it meant a lot to me, but I wasn't going to tie you down or hold you responsible for something that happened when we were both drunk. I didn't think it'd be fair for either of us."
"So you didn't even give me the option to be involved or not? You just decided that I didn't need to know my daughter, is that it? Because it was for my own good?"
He stood up, looking him in the eyes. "As if you care! You said it yourself, she's just a few pictures in a drawer to you! You didn't think you were anything special to her, so you just tossed her aside, but she's your daughter, Derek. In nearly three years looking at her pictures, you never once saw the resemblance between you two, and what was I supposed to do, hold your hand until you finally found out? Obviously your girlfriend already knows because she's been nothing but a condescending bitch to me since she came into the picture. That is why she's worth a drawer to her, and you just went along with it."
"Don't you dare bring her into this," Derek snapped. "This has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you lying to me over the past three years."
"When did I lie?" he said, surprised that he was keeping his composure this long. "You never asked me, 'Hey, Spencer, that daughter of yours who has my skin tone and my mouth and my ears… is she mine?' because the thought never once crossed your mind." He bit his lip, swallowing. "I hoped and I prayed the entire time that I was pregnant that the first time you held her in your arms, you'd look down at her and see it and we would've somehow been a family, but it never happened." He sniffed, willing the tears in his eyes not to fall. "You never once looked at a picture or saw her face and thought of her as anything more than just my daughter from a one night stand I had. She was never more than something you could pity me for."
"So it was okay with you to not tell me in all this time because I didn't catch onto it? You said it was a one night stand, I believed you. You never said anything to indicate that I could've been her father, so why would I have thought that you weren't telling the truth?"
He wiped his eyes, cursing myself. "I thought about it a lot more than you'd think. Every single night when she wouldn't stop crying, I contemplated picking up that phone and calling you and coming clean about everything, but I didn't, because I didn't want to ruin what you had with your girlfriend. I am so incredibly sorry, Derek, I am, but at the same time, I'm not, because I got the past two and a half years with her. I've learned that priorities change and that my job isn't everything anymore. I'm not on cases but I spend my nights coloring in coloring books and watching Disney movies and watching her play dress-up and it's all okay because I know that all comes from me doing a good job raising her on my own."
Derek set his jaw, exhaling. "Then maybe you should keep doing it that way."
He tried not to react to what Derek had said, and instead wiped his eyes. "Do you know why I'm telling you this tonight, Derek?"
"Enlighten me."
He cleared his throat. "At Parker's preschool, they're always talking about their families. She has a lot of friends and she's surprisingly social, a trait I'm sure she got from you, and most of them have two parents. She hears them talking about doing things with their parents and she's scared that she's an outcast because she just has a Daddy. She wants to know who her father is so she can have some of those memories and brag to her friends about them. I can't deny her that anymore, and it's something that she wants. I'm doing this for her. It's not at all for me, I swear."
"What, so I'm supposed to take this news, be okay with you lying to me for three years, and just suddenly show up in the picture like I've been there all along?"
He shook his head, crossing his arms. "You're supposed to take it how you choose to take it, and if you want involvement in Parker's life, I can't stop you," he said the last part as practically a whisper, not wanting to admit it to himself.
He sighed. "Spencer, this is a lot of information to take in."
"I know, and I'm really sorry it all got dumped in your lap, but she has a right to know, and I couldn't tell her without telling you first." He wiped his eyes, sighing and daring to look up at him. "She's looking more and more like you every day, and god, does she have your smart mouth. Sometimes she'll respond to something I say, and I instantly think of you."
This seemed to melt away some of Derek's anger and he sighed. "Anything else?"
He stepped closer, biting his lip. "She really enjoys dressing like Garcia these days. I let her dress herself one morning, and she walked out looking just like Garcia, fake glasses and all. It's stuck since then."
He laughed to himself, looking down at his feet.
Spencer took a deep breath, lifting Derek's chin and looking him in the eyes. "I really am sorry, Derek. I need you to understand that. I did this because I thought it was the right decision, not because I wanted to hurt you. I essentially raised myself, so I didn't have anybody to base my parenting skills or decisions on, and I truly thought that what I did was right."
Derek sighed, nodding slightly.
Spencer sighed, bracing himself for what was probably his stupidest decision of the night. He leaned in, placing a soft kiss on Derek's lips. When Derek didn't immediately pull away from him, he was relieved, wrapping an arm around his neck and pulling him closer.
"…What the hell is going on here?"
Spencer pulled back, looking up at Derek, whose eyes had gone wide.
"Hey, baby," he said, still facing Spencer.
"So this is boys' night?" she asked, arms crossed. "I'd hate to see what would've happened if I came ten minutes later for my makeup bag."
Spencer winced. "I should get going."
"Yes, you probably should," she snapped, eyeing him, "your bastard's probably looking for you."
He winced at the insult but showed her no reaction.
"And get a paternity test on that thing," she spat out.
Spencer looked at Derek, hoping for a reaction: something, he'd really take anything at this point. When Derek just looked at him with sad eyes, he sighed, screwing his eyes shut and walking out, slamming the door behind him.
He ended up sitting in the front seat of his car, his head rested against the steering wheel and crying. He did what he'd wanted to do: he'd told Derek the truth, but not without a huge blowout. Not to mention he made the world's stupidest decision after doing so. Derek hadn't pulled back or resisted, but that was still no reason to kiss someone in a committed relationship. For a genius, he was an absolute idiot. Not trusting his voice at the time, he took out his phone, texting Hotch.
I'm sorry I'm running late. I'll be there to get Parker in twenty minutes.
He ran a hand through his hair, sighing. He couldn't stay focused on the mess that was tonight. Instead, he needed to pick up his daughter and hopefully clear up everything with her, as much as he could anyway. Buckling his seatbelt, he started the car and took a deep breath, pulling out of the parking spot.
Pulling up to Hotch's apartment building, he sighed, parking and getting out of the car. Rather than taking the elevator, he opted to take the stairs, giving himself more time to think about what had happened. In a matter of a half hour, he'd dropped the bomb, got into a huge heated argument, calmed Derek down, and ended it with his girlfriend essentially calling him a whore with a bastard child. What hurt the most was the fact that Derek didn't even react to it and just let her insult him. After everything he'd told him and everything he'd clarified, he couldn't believe that Derek didn't say a single word to defend him, even after she insulted his daughter. She could insult Spencer until her heart was content and he wouldn't give a damn, but she crossed the line when she'd brought Parker into it, and she was extremely lucky Spencer had to pick her up, or he'd probably be in handcuffs right now for giving her exactly what she deserved.
He walked up to Hotch's apartment, sighing and knocking on the door, leaning against the doorframe. When Jack answered, he faked a smile.
"Hey, Jack. Did you have fun?"
He nodded. "We played and Daddy even let us paint. She fell asleep, so she's in Daddy's room."
He checked his watch and saw that it was past her bedtime. "Well, thank you for being such an awesome cousin and playing with her."
Jack held the door open for him and he stepped inside. As soon as he locked eyes with Hotch, he bit the inside of his cheek, shaking his head.
"Jack, why don't you go pack up Parker's things while I talk to Spencer?"
He grabbed Parker's backpack, walking to Hotch's room and closing the door. No sooner had Spencer leaned in to Hotch, burying his head in his shoulder and crying.
He led Spencer over to the couch, sitting him down and rubbing his back. "I take it tonight didn't go over too well?"
He shook his head. "H-his gi-girlfriend called her a b-bastard, and told me to get a p-paternity test."
Hotch wrapped his arm around the younger man, unsure of the best way to comfort him. "What did he say?"
He tried catching his breath. "He was mad, and he yelled, and he worked through his anger, but I told him if he wants to be involved, he can." He sniffed, running a hand through his hair. "And I'm a complete idiot."
"I doubt that."
He scoffed. "I don't. I unloaded all of that baggage on him, he coped with it, and I thought 'hey, maybe now would be a good time to kiss him'." He shook his head at his own stupidity. "And now I get to tell Parker 'he's your daddy and he knows, but he's not going to be in the picture because his girlfriend replaced every picture of you in his apartment with what she calls 'art' but what I call glorified finger paintings'."
Hotch raised an eyebrow. "He has pictures of her?"
He squeezed his eyes shut. "Damnit. I'm all kinds of fucking up tonight." He sat up, wiping his eyes. "He has pictures of her because," he took a deep breath, "everyone on the team has pictures, and Derek's her father."
"…At least on the bright side, she's asleep so you don't need to tell her until tomorrow?"
"Very dim, but a bright side nonetheless." He stood up, sighing. "I'll be in late tomorrow because Parker has a doctor's appointment, but I'll be in, and I'll actually get my paperwork done this time, I promise."
"Don't worry about it. Get her home and I'll see you tomorrow."
He nodded. "Thank you again, for watching her. I really couldn't have done it with her there, and I especially couldn't have her exposed to knowing what a 'bastard' or 'paternity test' are."
"I'll be here anytime you need me."
He smiled appreciatively, walking into Hotch's room and wrapping Parker in her blanket, picking her up and kissing her forehead. He took the bag from Jack, thanking him, before going down to the car and buckling Parker into her carseat, setting her bag on the floor.
After getting home, he tucked Parker in and turned on her nightlight, walking out and closing the door behind him. Considering the emotionally trying day he had, he couldn't wait to just lay down and pretend that this whole thing had never happened. Once he was changed into his pajamas, he took out his phone, sighing to himself and calling Garcia, knowing that if he didn't tell her now, she'd expect an update in the morning.
"Hey, Boy Wonder," she chirped.
He smiled slightly. "Hi."
"So, how did the big reveal go?"
"I don't know, are we talking about before or after his girlfriend walked in and referred to my daughter as a bastard child and demanded I get a paternity test?"
She gasped. "Oh no she did not."
"Believe me, she did. And your buddy Derek? He said absolutely nothing to her."
"No way."
He nodded, retelling everything that had happened just two hours prior.
"Wait, you kissed?"
He winced. "I admit, it wasn't my best decision, but we were talking and the moment felt right and I forgot about her. Then of course she walked in and basically called me a whore so-"
"Wait, rewind."
"…To what, being called a whore?"
"The kiss!"
He rolled his eyes. "The moment was ruined when Derek did nothing to defend me or his daughter. I mean, I get it, he just found out and he was still in shock, but that woman, that bitch, insulted his daughter. My blood was boiling at that point and I wanted him to say something but he just gave me a look and gave her a hug."
She winced. "If you want, I can talk to him in the morning, maybe-"
"I've already done more than enough damage. Thank you, though."
She sighed. "Tomorrow, my lair, baked goods."
"Extremely tempting."
"Get some sleep, we'll talk in the morning."
"Thanks, Garcia." He hung up, plugging his phone in and burying his head in his pillow, groaning. He'd played out the scenario of what he'd wanted to happen in his head several times, and tonight definitely wasn't it.
The following morning, Spencer took Parker to her doctor's appointment then drove her to preschool. Before getting out of the car, she looked up at him. "Daddy?"
He unbuckled her. "Yes, Princess?"
"Can we talk about my daddy?"
He sighed, picking her up and setting her down on the sidewalk, reaching into the backseat and grabbing her backpack and lunchbox. "I promise, when Daddy gets home from work, you can ask me anything you want about your dad. Deal?"
She nodded, reaching up and wrapping her pinky around his. "Deal."
He smiled, kissing her forehead and taking her hand, walking her inside. He gave her a kiss goodbye and took his keys out of his pocket, walking outside and getting into his car, starting it. Part of him wished that she'd forgotten about wanting to find out, but then he remembered that she's a smart kid and was going to find out what she wanted to find out.
At work, he did his best to stay out of Derek's way, which didn't seem too hard, considering he just stayed in his office the entire time. He thought about going in and talking to him, but figured it would do more harm than good. He had a few cups of coffee trying to calm his nerves, though it was pointless, as he was still extremely nervous. He looked over at JJ's desk and bit his cheek. The two of them hadn't been close in a couple of years, since she'd tried convincing him to tell Derek. Now that he'd done it, he wondered if the two of them could be close again. When she got up to refill her coffee, he sighed, following her.
She looked at him, eyebrow raised. "…Hi."
He bit down on his lip, looking at his feet. "Parker's been asking about her father lately, much more often than I'd like, so I told her that I'm going to tell her anything she wants to know tonight."
She set down her coffee mug. "What?"
He nodded, swallowing. "And, because of that, I told Derek last night."
She sighed, wrapping her arms around him, pulling him into a hug. "…Are you okay?"
Sniffing, he shook his head, resting his head on her shoulder. "I told myself I wasn't going to let this get to me, but I told him everything, JJ. I reminded him of what happened and I said everything I've wanted to for the past three years." He took a deep breath. "And it went well until I kissed him and his girlfriend referred to me as a whore."
She gasped, pulling back. "She did not."
"Demanded I get a paternity test on Parker."
"…What did he say about this?"
He wiped his eyes. "Absolutely nothing. He just gave me a look, so I left and cried in my car for an hour." Reaching up, he ran his hand through his hair. "And considering he's yet to talk to me? Either he's still processing the information or he hates me."
"I'm so sorry." She rubbed his arm, sighing. "I'm here, you know that, right? I know we've had our disagreements, but I'm here if you need me, I promise."
"Thank you," he said softly, chewing on his cheek. "I'm just worried about what's going to happen."
"What do you mean?"
"When I tell her he's her father, I don't know how she's going to react, if she's going to want him in her life, if she wants to keep things like they are, if he even wants any form of involvement. I went to his apartment and all of the pictures I'd given him were down, replaced by some of his girlfriend's 'art'. The pictures didn't matter to him, so with the news, why would she?"
"He could surprise you," she reasoned, "I mean, he could want no involvement, but at the same time, he could see this as an opportunity, especially if he's talked to his mother since then. She'd be thrilled by the news, I'm sure."
He exhaled. "Only one way to find out."
Spencer buried himself in his work as much as he could, and when 5:00 came around, he couldn't believe the day had gone by so fast. He pulled on his jacket, buttoning it.
"Nervous?" Emily asked.
"You have no idea," he mumbled, picking up his bag and putting it over his shoulder. He dug his car keys out of his pocket. "Tonight is the big reveal."
"…Good luck."
He smiled appreciatively, twirling the keys around his finger and walking out to the elevators. He pressed the down button and leaned against the wall, taking a deep breath and sighing. Looking up, he saw Derek walking down the hallway, then leaning against the wall opposite him. He bit his lip, willing the elevator to show up faster.
"…Are you telling her?"
"I'm letting her ask anything, and if it comes to it, yes, I'm telling her." He bit the inside of his cheek, stepping into the elevator, soon joined by Derek. "…If you want the test, I understand. It's a bit of a hit to me, I'll admit, but if it's something you need me to do, I will." He dug his hands into his pockets, avoiding eye contact.
Derek sighed, pressing the button for the ground floor. "I really don't know what I want right now," he admitted. "Yesterday, I had a girl I was going to pop the question to, we were going to eventually get married and think about having kids. Today, I have a daughter I've never spent time with and a hell of a lot of emotions running through my head."
He leaned against the railing, sighing. "Again, I'm really sorry. I just couldn't have her know and have you completely clueless about the situation." He looked at him out of the corner of his eye. "I promise, I'm not expecting anything from you. You can be involved or you can choose to keep your distance. I won't talk negatively about you to Parker, and I'll let her know it was my idea."
"Thanks, kid." The elevator stopped and Derek was the first to step out, Spencer close behind him. "You know, I looked at one of the pictures last night," he started, "and she really does look like a little Morgan."
Spencer smiled to himself. "She does. I'm sure your mother would love to hear the news, though I'm not sure she'll be too happy with me."
Derek exhaled, turning to face him. "I'm going to talk to her tonight. I'll be in touch, okay?"
He knew it was better than nothing, so he sighed, nodding. "Okay."
After feeding Parker and giving her a bath, the two of them were sitting on Spencer's bed, their legs tucked underneath themselves. Spencer smiled to himself, seeing her mimicking him. He leaned over, tucking her hair behind her ear and kissing her forehead.
"Daddy really loves you, Princess. You know that, right?"
She nodded, fixing her hair. "I know that, 'cause you made me and raised me yourself."
"That I did." He licked his lips, swallowing. "Is there anything you want to know about your dad, Parker? I'll tell you anything you want to know about him, I promise. No more secrets."
She put a finger to her chin, tapping it and thinking. He had never been more nervous for anything in his entire life than he was in this moment. "Daddy?"
"Yeah, Princess?"
"…Who is he?"
He took a deep breath, exhaling. "I see your dad in you a lot, especially now that you're growing up on me, without my permission. You have his ears, you have his skin, and his mouth, not to mention you get your sass from him." He laughed to himself when she instantly pouted at that answer and bit down on his lip. "I guess there's no way to say this that makes it any easier on Daddy, so I think I just need to say it. Your Dad is Uncle Derek."
"He know?"
"As of this time yesterday, yes." He pulled her into his lap, kissing the top of her head. "Uncle Derek took care of Daddy, and the next thing Daddy knew, he was pregnant with you." He ran his fingers through her hair. "And I love you more than anything. I didn't want Uncle Derek to feel like he had to be with Daddy because of you, even though he definitely would've been happy, because you're the perfect little girl."
"I'm awesome."
He laughed softly. "Yes, you are. And I'd like to think in the past three years, well close to it, I've done a really good job taking care of you."
"You did."
"Is there anything else you want to ask Daddy?"
She looked up at him. "Does Uncle Derek love me?"
He exhaled. "He does. I don't know to what extent, because I just told him yesterday, but Uncle Derek does love you, because you're Daddy's."
She reached down, playing with his fingers. "Is he going to be here?"
"I… don't know," he admitted, "that's his decision to make, and if he doesn't want to, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with Daddy, I promise."
She nodded, looking up at him. "Daddy?"
"What is it, Princess?"
She turned around, wrapping her arms around his neck and hugging him.
He smiled slightly. "What's this for?"
"For being as good as two daddies."
He rubbed her back. "Thank you, Parker. That really does mean a lot."
The two of them stayed up in Spencer's room talking until Parker started getting tired. When she did, he picked her up, kissing her forehead and walking to her room, tucking her in. He read her a bedtime story, and when she dozed off, he put the book on her nightstand and handed her the baby blanket.
"I love you, Princess," he whispered, rubbing her arm.
"Love you, Daddy," she said, yawning and curling up.
Once he saw her fall asleep, he turned on her nightlight and walked out of the room, going to his own and sitting on the bed, exhaling. The past two days had been emotionally trying, but at least they were out of the way.
His phone started ringing and he reached over, answering it.
"Hello?"
"So how did it go?"
He raised an eyebrow, sitting up and leaning against the headboard. "Fine, actually. She was really good about it. I told her who her father was, she accepted it, she asked if he was going to be around, and I told her that was his decision, but no matter what he chooses, it has nothing to do with her."
"…I'm impressed. Considering how well last night went, I wasn't expecting it to happen."
"That makes two of us." I half expected myself to choke up and not be able to tell her anything, then be on the receiving end of a Parker Reid hissy fit."
Hotch laughed. "And nobody wants one of those."
"Definitely not."
"Just so you know? This call wasn't just on my behalf."
"…Excuse me?"
"Everyone was a little bit worried about you. Dave actually wanted me to be sure you were okay, and you know Dave, he's not good at showing his emotions so he shows he cares in other ways."
"Indeed." He crossed his arms. "Well, tell him I appreciated it. He didn't know-"
"All he knew was what he heard around the office: that you were telling Parker about her father tonight. He actually suggested slipping a bottle of scotch into your car, but something tells me liquid courage wouldn't have helped with the explanation."
He smirked. "I appreciate it. Naturally, she's curious about Derek and his involvement from this point forward, but seeing as I just dropped that bomb yesterday? I'm not sure he's ready to set anything in stone. Not yet, anyway. He said he's going to talk to his mother about this situation – his mother who, by the way, caught on to Parker being her son's daughter two years ago."
"Well, good luck. I'll let you go so you can either get some sleep, or get phone calls from the rest of the team wondering how everything went."
He smiled. "Thank you." He hung up, leaning against his pillows and exhaling.
Meanwhile, Derek held his phone in his hand, trying to give himself the willpower to call his mother. He finally sucked it up, taking a deep breath and calling her, resting the phone against his ear.
"…Derek? Is something wrong?"
He cleared his throat, shaking his head. "No, Momma. Sorry for worrying you, I just… I really need to talk about something."
"Was it another fight with Nicole?"
He exhaled, leaning back on the couch. Yes, but it was so much more than that. They had a huge blowout after Spencer's big reveal and her walking in on the two of them kissing. Derek had flipped out on her for calling his daughter a bastard and insisting that Spencer was lying about him being the father. It hurt that Spencer kept the secret, but he knew that Spencer Reid wasn't a liar, and he definitely wouldn't lie about something involving his daughter.
"Derek?"
He chewed on his cheek. "Nicole's gone, Mom. We're not recovering from this one. I really can't forgive her."
"What happened? Did she cheat? She didn't seem the type-"
"No, she didn't cheat." He ran a hand over his scalp, wondering how exactly he was going to explain this. "But I found something out, we argued about it, and that's that."
"What could've possibly come between you two after two and a half years?"
"…My daughter?"
"Derek, is she pregnant?"
His eyes widened. "No, no, she's not – definitely not, Mom. I don't – she's not Nicole's."
"Then can you explain yourself, because I have to say, I'm a little lost."
He swallowed, taking a deep breath and sighing. "Parker. She – Spencer told me last night. She's been asking him about who her father is, and he didn't want to tell her without me knowing the truth. He kept it a secret for two and a half years, never even hinted at it, and he's got guts, because it definitely wasn't easy on him."
She paused. "…So I guess we can call that little cutie ours?"
He laughed softly. "I guess so. I haven't – I don't know how to handle the situation. I mean, yesterday he came over to talk and dropped the bombshell and I was mad, and confused, and scared, but then, I don't know, it felt kind of right. Nicole walked in on him kissing me in the heat of the moment and she called Parker a bastard child, wanted Spencer to prove she was mine, and after he left, all she did was talk about how she couldn't possibly be mine and I just lost it. I tolerate a lot of things, and I may have only known it for a few minutes, but I wasn't going to let anyone badmouth my little girl. It all finally clicked in my head that she was mine and, mom, she's looking like me and acting like me." He smiled. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I could really use some of your advice now."
She exhaled. "Wow, Derek. All of that in the past 24 hours?"
"Tell me about it."
"First and foremost, you have a decision to make. Spencer can't make it for you, and neither can I. You need to decide what you want to do. If you want to see her, which I really hope you do, because I'd really love the opportunity to get to know my granddaughter. Then there's the question of if you want a relationship with Spencer, or if you just want to share custody. And if you do want some form of custody, you need to figure out what you want, and talk to Spencer about it before you file for anything, because the last thing you want to do is upset him. I understand, you're stressed about this situation, but he's the one that's been there for her since day one. And let me just say, consider yourself lucky for evading diapers, non-sleeping nights, and the terrible twos."
He smiled to himself. "I guess so. I'll keep you updated on this-"
"As if you have a choice in the matter."
"I guess you're right." He ran a hand over his scalp, sighing. "I'll let you know what I decide when I decide it. And before you ask, yes, I can provide you with pictures as soon as possible."
"All I ask. Good luck."
"Thanks, Mom." He ended the call, leaning back on his couch and exhaling. After the past 24 hours, he really wanted a stiff drink, but knew what he needed was to make a decision, and soon.
Spencer hadn't heard from Derek in a few days, but figured it was best to give him his space. His weekend was committed to spending as much time as he could with Parker, because he didn't get nearly enough time with her after work. The two of them were in the living room, sitting on the floor and playing with different puzzles, Spencer helping her only when she asked. He smiled, watching her figure them out all on her own and clapping, proud of herself.
"Now, is there a reason you wanted to wear the princess dress from Aunt JJ today?" he asked, opening up another puzzle and setting it on the floor.
She nodded. "I'm a princess!"
He leaned over, kissing her forehead. "Yes you are, your majesty. Can I help you with this one?"
She climbed into his lap, setting the puzzle in her lap and looking up at him. "Yes, please!"
He watched as Parker put together most of the pieces and he added the last one. "Like that?"
"Uh huh, perfect!"
As the day went on, the two of them did a bunch of activities, including arts and crafts and memory games. She kept choosing what they were going to do, and Spencer wasn't going to deny her, considering this was a day strictly devoted to the two of them. She finally decided that the two of them should watch a movie and grabbed one, holding it up to Spencer. While the movie was loading, he grabbed them some juice boxes and snacks, putting them on the living room table and sitting next to her on the couch, kissing the top of her head.
"Daddy?"
He looked over as he reached for the remote. "Yes, Princess?"
She smiled. "Thank you."
"Any time." He pressed the button to play the movie and wrapped an arm around her.
There was a knock on the door and Spencer raised an eyebrow, turning to Parker. "Are you expecting company?"
She shook her head. "Nuh uh."
"Me either." He got up, checking the peephole. "…Parker, can you be a good girl while Daddy's right outside the door?"
"I promise!"
He opened the door and slipped outside, looking up at Derek. "What are you doing here?"
Derek reached over, taking a clip out of Spencer's hair. "Apparently missing a very fun game."
Peeking inside the apartment, he saw Parker still distracted by the movie. Then he leaned against the wall, crossing his arms. "What is this?"
"Excuse me?"
He swallowed. "Is this a visit from Uncle Derek, or her father? Because I really need to know what I'm preparing her for before I get into it."
"Nicole's gone," Derek spoke up. "I kicked her out after she badmouthed Parker. I should've said something, but I didn't, and I'm sorry. I wasn't going to settle for someone saying anything negative about my daughter."
Spencer looked at him wide-eyed. "Derek, you said you were going to marry this girl. I don't want to ruin a good relationship -"
"You didn't. She did. I don't need a paternity test or proof or anything, Spencer." He pointed toward his apartment. "Because that's my daughter in there. You said it yourself, she's becoming more and more like me every day, and I think I deserve to be a part of that."
Spencer bit down on his lip, swallowing. "What's happening here, Derek?"
"I don't know," he admitted, "I just know that I have two and a half years of parenting to make up for, and I'm asking for the chance to do that. I don't know what this is," he said, motioning between the two of them, "or if this is even something, and I have no idea what I'm doing here, but I need the chance to figure it out."
"…Don't you dare hurt her," he warned.
"I promise."
Spencer took a deep breath, poking his head into the apartment. "Parker?"
"Yeah, Daddy?"
He looked toward Derek. "There's somebody here to see you, should I let him in?"
"Yes, please!"
Spencer exhaled, taking Derek's hand and walking inside, closing the door behind him. He saw her eyes still on the TV and reached for the remote, pausing the movie. "…Parker, your dad's here to see you."
Derek sighed, walking over and squatting in front of Parker. "Hey there, Princess. Aren't we looking royal today?"
She smiled, blushing. "'Cause I am a princess."
"That you are." He turned to Spencer. "What do I talk about?"
"She loves conversation, there's nothing you can go wrong with."
He sat in front of her. "How about we have a do-over?"
"What's that?"
He shrugged. "Me and you, we start over, like the beginning of a new story. You like stories, right?"
She nodded. "Uh huh, I get one every night."
He took a deep breath, holding out his hand. "It's very nice to meet you, Parker. I'm your dad."
She looked down at his hand, hitting it away.
"Parker!" Spencer snapped.
"Daddies don't handshake," she pointed out, wrapping her arms around Derek's neck. "Hi, Papa, I'm Parker."
He smiled. "That's definitely the Morgan sass." He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into a hug and kissing the top of her head. "What are we doing today?"
"Movies and coloring." She turned to Spencer. "Can Papa stay?"
"That's completely up to him, as is him wanting to be called Papa."
Derek smirked. "Papa is more than okay with me." He took the seat beside Parker, pulling her into his lap and bending down, kissing her cheek.
Spencer wiped his eyes, sniffing and exhaling. This was more than he'd ever expected. He definitely didn't think Derek would show up at his house and automatically be ready to go into father mode. He grabbed the phone out of Derek's pocket and took a picture of the two of them, committing it to memory. It was the first time Derek really spent time with his daughter, and it definitely wouldn't be the last.
Derek took the phone from Spencer, sending the picture to his mother and handing it back to him. "…She'll be calling you in a few minutes."
Parker put her finger to Derek's lips. "Shh, movie."
Spencer smiled, taking the phone and sending the picture around to the team. He had talked to Derek's mother, and she made him promise that the three of them would come out to Chicago soon to give her a proper introduction to her granddaughter. Not only that, but she immediately welcomed him into the Morgan family, despite the fact that he and Derek had only been at this for a few minutes. There wasn't any shared custody or any other issues, and instead, Derek had offered to move in with them to get as much time with Parker as he could, which Spencer didn't object to. From what he'd seen, Derek easily fell into the role of Parker's 'Papa', and she was now his world. It took much longer than he'd wanted, but Spencer finally gave Parker what he'd wanted for her all along: a family.
