I lie for only you, and I lie well.

Brand New, The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

Tweek's point of view:


Holy shit.

"Are you serious, dude?" Clyde started laughing hysterically. "Do you sweat a lot?"

Oh my God—no. "Nope. I meanI sweat, yeah, but not excessively. It feels really good, though." Fuck, fuck, fuck. "If I could jack off on a regular basis, I would, just for the heat. But, you know, defective penis over here." He was mumbling the words into my chest, his breath just as warm through my shirt as his skin. Sweet Jesus, oh God, oh lord.

"You bring the alcohol, I'll bring the condoms. Let's do it." These two were planning a sex rendezvous and I was stuck in the middle, nearly about to pass out. I couldn't breathe. Would they be offended if I pushed them off and threw up on their carpet? Because I didn't think I was going to make it outside.

"I might be up for it right now, actually."

Clyde's laughter became uncontrollable. "Seriously?" Craig hummed and nodded against my chest. Completely serious. What the fuck is happening? "Don't tempt me, dude. I'm honestly thinking about it."

"Me too, bro. Who's bed would we do it on?" When Clyde answered with Token's, I found a bit of the humor, but there was literally an undertone of honesty that I couldn't quite shake off. "Who'd top? I kind of don't want to get thrown under the bus, if you know what I mean."

With a thorough nod, the brunette said, "Yeah, I feel you. But I've got a girlfriend. I can't disappoint, if you know what I mean." I looked at said girlfriend and saw that she had her face in her hands, and not because she was laughing.

There was no way. This was unbelievable. They were actually planning on having sex with each other. I meanI had a best friend too, but Thomas and I weren't about to fuck.

Thomas had Kenny for that kind of thing. I had Kenny for that kind of thing even if I'd never use him.

The promise had already been made long ago: either I'd lose my virginity to Craig, or I'd remain a virgin for life. It made sense that I was a pretty sad excuse for a human being and was going to die a virgin.

"Looks like we've reached a predicament," Craig murmured, breathing out the last few words. Over the years his voice had deepened, now a smokey sound with just a hint of his signature nasally tone. It was damn attractive when he whispered sleepily like that. For a moment his weight settled against me, and I could've mistaken him for being asleep again. I liked how heavy his upper body was, so I wouldn't have minded, but then he spoke up. "Rock-paper-scissors you for it."

He was going to rock-paper-scissors his anus away? Assuming he's never had it up the butt, that is. "Your loss, bro," Clyde replied, shrugging his shoulders much to my disdain.

"Are you two idiots?" The brunette's girlfriend shot the both of them a look that said that's enough bullshit for tonight. She seemed to be just as scared for Clyde's ass as I was for Craig's.

It wasn't like I was going to fuck him or anything. It was just that I'd feel like shit if Clyde had sex with him. I've already expressed to Kenny how awful it was knowing that the niorette was generously experienced, sexually speaking. God, it sucked.

The two best friends gave equally dissatisfied grumbles before dispersing. Clyde rolled off of the edge of the couch, returning to his soggy cereal, and Craig flopped onto his side, pressing one of my legs tight against the back of the couch. He bent one arm, elbow raised high as he rubbed his eyes and yawned. His chest expanded greatly, his coffin of a ribcage protruding through his skin. I could do nothing but watch with unrestrained interested, these habitual quirks of his.

I had to school my expression as best I could when he inclined his head to look up at me. "You didn't mind, did you?" His eyes looked straight at me, crystalline in their pale blue color. They were a little puffy from his short sleep and I thought it was absolutely adorable.

My smile was borderline are-you-serious. "I'd rather have you s-sleep on me than have to sit in that motel listening to Kenny's orgasm. It's disgusting." Somewhere behind me, Clyde faked a gag.

There was a spark in Craig's eyes then, a significantly small glint that caught the light and made my stomach clench with a delightful sickness. "Even if I crush you?" Was that a tease? Because he could tease me all he wanted. "Like, full body suffocation." Oh yeah, that sounded fine by me. That was like special treatment.

"By all means, kill me." I'll let you smother me with your body right now. "You don't know how loud he can get people to scream. It's unbecoming."

"Unbecoming?" A chuckle shirked around Craig's next yawn; his eyelids briefly fluttered shut. Damn it. I should've used a different adjective. Unbecoming was too strict Victorian mother. He let it go, though, and instead objected my other statement. "Since when is screaming a bad thing?"

"Yeah, buddy!" Clyde hollered.

Did Craig like screamers? I'd scream for him. Quickly, I shook my head to dispel his question.

What I had meant was that it was just gross when Kenny made someone scream, or anyone for that matter. Listening to people have sex, even in movies, made me feel dirty.

"Your boyfriend never made you scream?" Craig's question shut my brain down.

"My b-boyfriend?" I stuttered incoherently, subconscious desperately attempting to fit such a person from my life into that context. It didn't make sense; I was a virgin in all aspects of sex: penetration, oralI'd been felt up one time but I'd put a stop to it immediately. "Oh! No—no. Definitely not. I've only ever kissed someone before!"

Why in the world was I having this conversation in front of four people, one passed out, with Craig between my legs? I couldn't have been conscious. Had Kenny slipped me drugs? Had I overdosed on my own?

Many reactions were received due to my confession. Clyde choked on his cereal before making a show of clutching at his throat and dropping to his knees while his girlfriend cooed in adoration and hugged Token to her chest in a way I was positive she wished she was doing to me. Along with them, Craig heaved himself onto his hands, stared at me, and asked, "You're how old?"

I blushed for many reasons: everyone was freaking out which often led to me freaking out, for the first time I was ashamed of being a total virgin, I'd come close to grappling for Craig just to bring him back to me, and he was looking fucking lovely just hovering there and needed to crawl on top of meI was just an onslaught of embarrassment.

My laughter came out nervous. "Twenty?"

The room exploded in one unanimous, raucous, "No!"

Their noise heightened my mortification. Okay. I'm prude. I think I get it.

"At least," Craig started, raising his voice above the others, "he's been kissed." He even got onto his knees, pointed his hands at either of the couple, and pressed down on the air as though he could do the same to their voices.

"Well thank God somebody decided to show this boy some mercy." Clyde's girlfriend threw her hands up for an amen and a hallelujah. "Wait" Her stare was sharp and stern. "Were they male? You've had your first kiss from a guy, right?"

Clyde added, "Otherwise Craig's making a courtesy call to fix that! I mean, I'd totally do it but that's called cheating."

But fucking your best friend isn't?

And then my head swiveled around so I could gawk at him. "Excuse me?"

"See, this is what South Park does to people." He was ignoring me, speaking to his girlfriend instead. "Just answer the question, Tweek. You still have a chance. We can fix you." But my brain didn't have the capacity to wrap itself around the implication regarding his previous promise, let alone provide him with an answer that made sense.

I felt as though I were on television, a contestant of some game show like The Price Is Right or Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? This was my chance to win a buttfuck ton of money. So much cold, hard cash that I couldn't even comprehend its value or its significance to my life. This was the final question that would complete me or leave me stuck as the same stupid kid I've always been. I just had to answer it correctly.

The words then came to me on autopilot. I wasn't speaking—Kenny was. I'd phoned a friend, asked the audience, eliminated a few choices, and this was what I was left with: a lie.

"It was a girl."

A thick silence ensued and I was so afraid that they knew I was faking it. My heart was beating erratically and I was so happy that Craig wasn't resting against my chest anymore, otherwise he'd know. He would've known and then he wouldn't have done what he did next.

He wouldn't have crawled closer just like I'd wanted him to, sauntering forward on his lanky joints, wearing nothing but boxer-briefs. He wouldn't have inched his face toward mine and I wouldn't have smelled mint and cigarettes on his breath, or felt the warmth of it puff against my mouth. He wouldn't have looked so undeniably sexy with his lips parted, an image that imprinted on the backs of my eyelids.

I never would've imagined he'd cup the nape of my neck, that his palm would contain so much heat or that he'd tuck down the strands of my hair with his fingers. Craig was so up close that I could see the spires of a color so translucent it was nearly white shooting from his pupils. It was so hard to refrain from being needy, to keep myself from inclining my chin, to let him instigate Clyde's promise himself, and—Sweet Jesus—I was going to kiss this beautiful man.

But I swear this is the only time I'll ever lie to you, Craig. I promise I'll never lie like this again, not to you. And I'll tell you one day. I'll tell you that I tricked you into kissing me, but right now I need this. I need this.

He leaned into me so much that I could feel his proximity and loved it. I wasn't even breathing when he nestled my bottom lip between his own, lightheaded from so little oxygen. His mouth, soft and gentle and tender and everything that I wanted and needed and admired, applied the quaintest little suction. It was enough to leave me breathless.

I made sure to memorize that entire kiss from top to bottom. Being as paranoid as I was, considering small details was my specialty. I don't believe I moved, too involved in remembering Craig's touch to burden with my own instincts. My immobility frightened me, though. I couldn't recall the last time I'd been so still. As if to taunt me, Clyde's girlfriend said, "I don't know how good one kiss will look on his repertoire, Craig." She sounded like she was enjoying this too much, which should have worried me, but I was encompassed by this peck of a kiss and didn't exist outside of its delicate walls.

Clyde agreed with, "Yeah, dude. One kiss is just sad." But Craig had already separated our lips for the sole purpose of realigning them, and it was my fake first kiss all over again. My fake second kiss. It was just as sweet as before, all light pressure and a chaste brush that made my lips so sensitive even his breath felt like it held a physical presence. And then it happened againmy heart exploded, I swearand as he pulled away, our lips kind of stuck together.

When I opened my eyes, Craig was staring at me intently. I'd seen this look of his before during the time he'd drawn me in his room. It was the one where he drew me with his eyes, and I wondered if a mirror image of me was appearing in pieces against the backdrop of his mind. I felt substantial under his concentrated observation and I was happy that he was an artist, otherwise I would've been useless to him, because for whatever reason, he felt like I was worth drawing. I was worth something to Craig.

"You're glowing," he told me. "Can I draw you one more time before you leave?"

I smiled, my lips tingling in a way that they hadn't after my real first kiss or any of the ones I've ever been a part of before tonight.