8. Janet gives dancing lessons
Only a few minutes into the bachelorette party, Phoebe glanced nervously at her phone for the umpteenth time.
"Stop being such a downer!" DA slugged her arm.
"So then Janet and I came in, drunk off our asses, and did the can-can." Wanda continued with the story of how she became a stripper. "You should've seen the looks on their faces."
"It was pretty awesome." Janet laughed. "I was so plastered and then I woke up and Carlos was naked in my bed."
"He told me about that." DA's tone was serious. "You didn't sleep with him, did you?" Janet's face fell a little.
"I don't know." Janet said quietly. "I just remember waking up."
"But you wouldn't make Carlos cheat on me, would you?" DA said firmly.
"I can't make Carlos do anything." Janet folded her arms. "You think I'd throw everything I have with Tim away for Carlos?" She laughed. "Please."
"Putting him down isn't going to help." DA gritted her teeth. "I know Carlos has girls falling all over him. You know how hard I had to fight to get him and keep him? I've seen his effect on girls." Keesha and Wanda snickered.
"Um, DA, having been with Carlos, I'm going to go with he's not all that great. No offense." Wanda giggled.
"He didn't really have any girls following him around." Keesha continued. "Maybe in high school, yeah, he had all the younger girls who didn't know any better giggling over him."
"You just can't appreciate a good thing when you see it." DA insisted. "And I know that girls liked him."
"Whatever, DA." Keesha shrugged. "If it helps you sleep at night, keep believing what the voices tell you."
"Why are you being so mean?" Phoebe asked, glancing up from her phone. "They're getting married."
"Their egos are so huge right now," Wanda started, "that someone's got to remind them that the rest of us are important."
"They're both so prone to being pompous idiots that we have to stop it somehow." Keesha finished.
"I like the way you think!" Janet smiled.
"Why can't we make fun of Phoebe, like we always do?" DA asked.
"Because she has better taste in men and isn't a bitch." Janet retorted.
"Nice." Wanda nodded her approval.
Phoebe's phone rang – the theme from Raiders of the Lost Ark – (Phoebe had gone through an anthropology phase that left her with a severe crush on Harrison Ford) and she reached for it. DA grabbed it first. "Ralphie?" She asked, incredulous. "Phoebe, does the phrase 'chicks before dicks' mean anything to you?"
"I really need to take it." Phoebe pleaded.
"Why?" DA was angry. "What could he have to say that's possibly more important than my bachelorette party?"
"One of the –" Phoebe started, but DA answered the phone.
"Ralphie, hi, it's DA. You know, your friend who's getting married? Yeah, you're interrupting my really important bachelorette party. I don't know if you remembered, but your little girlfriend is my maid of honor and she needs to be fully present here." DA lectured.
"Just text her if it's that important!" Keesha yelled.
"And – Ralphie?" DA stopped. "He hung up." Keesha laughed evilly.
"Can I please have my phone? It's really important." Phoebe grabbed the phone, which beeped.
"Why do you care so much?" DA demanded. "You're being a horrible maid of honor!"
Phoebe gasped. "I have to leave. I'm sorry, but I have to leave." She checked her purse for her keys and wallet.
"Why haven't you told me what's so important?"
"You keep interrupting me!" Phoebe cried. "Maggie is in labor. She needs veterinary attention."
"Who the hell is Maggie?" DA asked.
"The rescued Wheaton – she's just one and she might have been bred by a lab or something. The puppies could kill her and I can't take that chance. I'm sorry, I have to go." Phoebe panted.
"Come back in a few minutes!" DA yelled. "If you're not back here in an hour, you're kicked out of the wedding!"
"DA, the bitch is in whelp. I could be gone all night!" Phoebe protested. Wanda and Keesha giggled something about Maggie not being the only bitch in whelp, whatever that meant.
"I don't care about your stupid dogs!" DA nearly screamed. The bar quieted down. "It's your choice. If you want to pick some ugly mutt over me – and you've known me for 15 years – then be my guest." Phoebe shook her head and ran out of the bar in tears.
"I so don't feel like being at this party any more." Janet whispered to Keesha and Wanda, who nodded.
After a few drinks, DA was livid. She was convinced that no one (besides Keesha, Janet, and Wanda) had shown up because Phoebe was too concerned with her "precious little doggies" to plan her a proper party. She wasn't too pleased with Janet either, whom she saw as no more than a common sleaze who'd try to steal away her prized Carlos. What kept her drinking was the insecurity that Keesha and Wanda were right: Carlos wasn't a god, but a man – a man who liked strippers and could have slept with Janet. She was trying to be above the stupid clingy girlfriend Phoebe was (what with waiting for Ralphie to call), yet more caring than the disinterested Wanda. She was trying to have a good time, singing the Backstreet Boys and making merry, but it was difficult in an increasingly empty bar. At last, she picked up her phone and dialed.
"Hello?" Ralphie asked.
"PHOEBE." DA yelled.
"She's busy right now." Ralphie tried, but DA yelled again.
"Why are you answering Phoebe's phone?"
"Phoebe's currently up to her elbow in dog birthing – stuff." Ralphie managed.
"I don't care!" DA tried.
"Her hands are kind of in the dog's uterus at the moment." Ralphie said politely.
"SO?" DA sighed furiously. "Give her the phone."
"What is it?" Phoebe tried to sound nice, but she was irritated. She hoped this wouldn't take long as she had to help Ralphie know what to do in case one of the pups faded. The vet looked irritated.
"Are you coming back?" DA asked sweetly. "How's the dog?"
"She's undergoing a c-section right now and I have to go." Phoebe said quickly. Ralphie pulled the phone back and ducked out of the room.
"She got the look of death from the vet there." Ralphie explained.
"I don't want to talk to you. I want to talk to Phoebe." DA pouted.
"She's in surgery."
"This is an emergency!" DA insisted.
"SHE'S DEALING WITH AN EMERGENCY C-SECTION." Ralphie's voice was louder than he'd anticipated. "I have to go and get back in there to help."
"Whatever." DA rolled her eyes. "She could've told me she was unreliable. Tell her she's kicked out of the wedding." She closed her phone and looked up at the girls, whose eyes were wide.
"Is everything okay?" Keesha asked.
"It is now." DA sighed happily. "Janet, you're a bridesmaid. You can walk with Tim."
"Is Phoebe okay?" Wanda tried Keesha's question again.
"I don't want to talk about her. She chose that stupid mutt over me." DA said angrily.
"It's about time someone told you this, Dorothy Ann." Keesha took a deep breath, but before she could speak, Wanda slapped DA across the face.
"STOP BEING A HEINOUS BITCH!" Wanda yelled.
"What?" DA put her fingers to her lips in disbelief.
"You've been manipulative, controlling, and generally crazy." Keesha lectured. "You've been telling us what we can and cannot do to ridiculous levels – who we can and cannot date, have sex with, whatever – but to tell Phoebe her job is stupid is completely out of line."
"You're right," DA cried. "I've been so mean to you all along."
"And that's why no one wanted to come." Janet confessed. "And your accusing me of seducing Carlos was completely uncalled for. You've disregarded everyone else's feelings to build up your own delusions of a perfect wedding with your perfect Carlos. Nothing's perfect. Your wedding will have flaws. You'll get over it."
"You've been worse than most of what I read on Etiquette Hell." Keesha said sincerely. "And that shit is terrible. You've caused nearly everyone you've liked to hate you at some point."
"I didn't mean to – I just wanted everything to go well, and the stress…" DA sobbed.
"You can't blame stress for turning you insane." Wanda said firmly. "You acted like a total douchebag. There's no excuse for that."
"You've had it easy!" DA argued.
"Really?" Keesha raised her eyebrows.
"Let's see, I haven't known exactly what I'm supposed to do for more than a day, everything I do is wrong, I have to be dating someone but not too seriously…" Wanda enumerated. "I don't like having my every move okayed by anyone. I'm not a kid."
"It's not my fault my aunts wanted pancakes." DA wiped a tear away. "They're from Minnesota."
"Do you realize that Ralphie and Arnold busted their butts getting ready for a shower they weren't even invited to?" Keesha asked. "That's the kind of friendship you've taken advantage of for a whole year and we're sick of it."
"But Janet slept with my fiancé!" DA sobbed in a last-ditch effort at sympathy. "I should get some credit for putting up with that gracefully!"
"Chewing Janet out in front of everyone isn't graceful." Wanda pointed out. "You were pretty bitchy about that, too."
"Your delusions of Carlos' perfection don't help either." Janet shrugged. "His – parts – aren't all that noteworthy, and he really gets on my nerves sometimes."
"I know." DA sighed. "It's just that the counselor told us to be proud,"
"For crying out loud." Keesha was exasperated. "What's next, your mommy never loved you? Take responsibility."
"It's not my fault!" DA insisted.
"It is." Keesha said firmly. "It's your fault you got too crazy to care about your friends. All you can do now is apologize and move on."
"I'm sorry!" DA wailed.
Carlos couldn't sleep. What if Janet told DA everything? It made him nervous because he didn't know what happened, so why should DA? Of course, if Janet told DA, then DA would tell him, so it would be okay. During times like these, Carlos wondered why they'd stopped going to therapy. He looked nervously at the acceptance letter from Walker State University's MBA program in his hand. DA wanted him to be a doctor or an engineer or something, not a business man. He had tried to go into something "smarter," but he'd always loved working in the dynamic business world, and he didn't want to start off a marriage of compromise by giving up his dreams. She didn't have to like what he was doing in order to support him, and all he needed was her support. He had the innovation and charisma to go places, and he couldn't let anyone get in his way. DA was a dynamite partner when she wasn't being horrendous, something she was all too good at these days. Some days he felt like calling off the wedding, but he knew – hoped – the craziness would pass with the wedding. As soon as they left for Tahiti, they'd be fine until something else happened. They were both stubborn, but they'd learned a lot of ways to cope with it.
Then he'd had to have gone and slept with Janet. Whether or not that's all he did was still a mystery to him, but he didn't know what to think. Ambiguity was tough for him to deal with. He wished Janet would talk or remember. He wished he'd remember, but tequila had a tendency to completely erase his mind.
His mind wandered back to the girls' night out. He knew Wanda would probably take DA aside and give her a good beating to clear out the insanity. He felt guilty for hoping it would happen. His year-long stint with Wanda had always threatened Dorothy Ann, and he was sick of trying to explain to her that it was over. He sighed. He'd probably have to beat some sense into her as well.
"Phoebe! I'm so sorry!" DA wept. "I was so mean to you!"
"Dorothy Ann, I really have to go." Phoebe said sleepily. "I need to feed the puppies."
"Are they cute?" DA asked. "Of course they are, they're puppies!"
Phoebe looked at the little puppies and smiled. "Yes, they're adorable. If you'd like one, I'll give it to you as a wedding gift."
"That would be so sweet! Thanks!" DA gushed. "You're the best friend I ever had!"
"They can't leave their mom for another two months, though." Phoebe explained. "I'd come back, but since Maggie had a c-section, I have to bottle-feed the pups every two hours."
"It's fine. Do your job." DA smiled. "Thanks Phoebe." She hung up. "I want another sex on the beach!" She cried to the bartender.
"Wait 'til you're in Tahiti!" Wanda laughed.
"Then you can have lots of sex on the beach." Keesha giggled.
"No way, I don't like the sand down there." DA pointed.
"That's what towels are for." Janet raised an eyebrow. "It's actually really fun."
"You've done it?" DA asked. Keesha, Wanda, and Janet all nodded.
"It's awesome." Wanda added emphatically. "In the waves…" She made wave-crashing noises.
"But what about crabs?" DA asked.
"If you get those, you just shave," Wanda started.
"THE OTHER CRABS," Keesha interrupted. "They're not really a problem."
"You've got to try it." Janet enthused. "In Tahiti, of all places."
"I'm afraid Carlos is going to be watching all those dancers shaking their butts." DA said, disappointed.
"Then you have to learn how to do it." Wanda suggested. "The forbidden dance!"
"I almost got it!" DA cried as she pulled herself off the floor for the fourteenth time that night. Janet and Wanda had been trying to teach her their best "sexy moves" using one of the bar's square pillars as a stripper pole.
"Carlos, you need to buy a stripper pole." Wanda yelled into the phone. "Yes, I am aware of what time it is."
"Stripper pole!" DA echoed, wrapping her leg around the pillar and teetering toward the floor. "THE FLOOR IS GETTING CLOSER AGAIN."
"You're doing lots better." Janet assured. "Just keep going with the flow."
"I had too much to drink." DA groaned. "My belly," she let go of the pole and collapsed on the floor. Before anyone could do anything, she began to vomit.
"Party's over, kids." Keesha sighed. "It's all good until someone throws up, then we've got to get home. Good thing no one's naked." She smiled to herself, amused at Arnold's sure disapproval of the party (since no one stripped).
DA awoke the next morning feeling terrible. She remembered promoting Janet and firing Phoebe, but that was it. She had bruises all over her legs, but didn't know why. She got up and made herself some eggs. Her phone rang, and she cringed at the noise.
"Good morning sunshine!" Carlos said cheerfully. "How are you?"
"Very hung over and sore." DA said crankily. "Mikey's the best man again."
"Dorothy Ann, you can't keep switching." Carlos insisted.
"Why not? It's my wedding and I'll do what I want!" DA raised her voice. "Do you realize that Phoebe ditched me last night for her shaggy mutt?"
"She did?" Carlos asked, incredulous. He didn't think Phoebe would do something like that, but he had to believe DA. "But can't we have Ralphie and…"
"NO!" DA screeched. "Ralphie helped her!"
"Oh." Carlos gritted his teeth. "I'm sure there's a reason for this, just take it easy."
"What?" DA fumed. "Whose side are you on, Carlos?"
"Dorothy Ann, you need to stop being so controlling over everything. I'm sure it was an emergency." Carlos used his best calming tone.
"Fine. She's still not my maid of honor though." DA compromised reluctantly. Carlos always gave in to her. She had no idea what was wrong.
"Okay, but Ralphie's the best man. He's done a good job." Carlos started.
"HE MADE JANET RAPE YOU." DA screamed.
"Dammit, Dorothy Ann, I didn't get raped." Carlos said firmly. "If anything happened that night, then it's in the past. You know I love you."
"I just don't know." DA said quietly. "I thought everything was going to be so perfect."
"Why don't you go back to bed and worry about it later?" Carlos soothed. "Things will be just fine."
... or will they? Stay tuned and REVIEWS ARE LOVE!
