The next day I made two phone calls. The first was to Bucky.
"Hey, Buck."
"Hey, Rayna. What's up?"
I hesitated. "I did something a little crazy last night."
"I can't wait to hear this," Bucky responded with a chuckle.
"Well, I went to the Wild Horse last night and I saw Deacon. And we talked and I kind of…."
"Asked him to be your bandleader again?" Bucky finished.
I was shocked. How could he have found out so fast? "How did you know?"
"I didn't, until just then. It was a lucky guess. Are you calling me to see if I'll break the news to him that it's all a mistake?"
"No," I said slowly. "I was calling to tell you I'd done it. Although based on how the night ended, maybe he won't come back after all."
"What happened?"
"Nothing I want to talk about. But I'll find out today if it's going to stick."
"Just let me know."
One of the things I liked about Bucky was that he never judged. He just took care of things, took care of me. He'd been my manager since shortly after I won my first CMA award and he had been not only a great manager, but a great friend for all of those years. I could count on Bucky to be honest with me always and to give great advice, but if I chose to go another way, he would support me 100%.
Bucky knew what a great guitar player Deacon was, what a great songwriting partner he was, but he had given me a lot of tough love over the years about carrying him on my back. It was something we had to agree to disagree on and I'm sure he wasn't exactly thrilled with my announcement. But he would be a professional about it and work to make it work as best he could. I just hoped I had made the right decision, as spur of the moment as it was.
The second call was to Deacon. I asked him to meet me at our meeting place near the river, not far from Sound Check. I was probably a fool to meet him alone in a private area, but I wanted to be able to talk to him without other distractions. He answered his phone right away and agreed to meet me, after just a momentary hesitation.
It was cold that day and I was bundled up. I got there first and paced, as much to keep my blood flowing as to calm my nerves. When I saw his truck pull up, I felt quivers of excitement and butterflies in my stomach. He jumped over the ledge and walked over quickly, rubbing his hands together and blowing on them. I drank in the look of him. He was still the one that made my heart flutter and made me lose my mind a little. I smiled and waved my gloved hands. "You should have worn gloves," I said.
He smiled back. "You know men don't wear gloves," he said with a wink.
I made a face at him and then hopped up on the concrete picnic table, wincing a little at the chill on my ass. Deacon followed and we sat close, drawing warmth from each other against the brisk day.
"So, what's up?" he asked.
I hugged myself. "I wanted to tell you that I was serious last night about you coming back to my band. If you want to, that is." I turned my head to look up at him, squinting my eyes against the sun.
He crossed his arms, covering his hands, and leaned forward a little, looking at his feet. "I want to, Ray," he said. He worked his lip and then turned to look at me. "I know I shouldn't have done that last night, but you looked so good. And I missed you."
I looked away. Thinking about what he had done to me made me feel disloyal to Teddy at the same time that I felt that throbbing fullness in my core. I wondered if I would ever stop feeling that way when I was around him. Again I wondered if I was making a smart decision or if I just wanted him near me. If I was honest, it was probably more the second than the first. "I've missed you too, Deacon," I said quietly. "But we can't do that. Not again." I shivered, both from the cold and the nearness of him. "Can you work with me just as a partner?"
He hunched forward. "I can try."
"I want you to try. I want this to work."
He nodded. "I know. I do too."
I breathed in slowly. "I'm going to have Bucky send you the new material for the album."
He looked at me and raised his eyebrows. "You been writing?"
I nodded. "Yeah. It's a little bit different stuff than you and I wrote together." I wondered how he would react when he saw some of my new songs. I had written several of them in the aftermath of our break up and they didn't pull any punches. In particular I thought of "This Love Ain't Big Enough" and "The Best Songs Come From Broken Hearts". They were very clearly about Deacon and weren't necessarily flattering. In fact, I knew I was going to have to rework my whole playlist when I went back out on tour. If Deacon was going to be back, there were songs we couldn't sing anymore. A lot was going to change.
He nodded thoughtfully. "I'm looking forward to seeing them."
I looked at him. I wonder, I thought. "Um, another thing. I really need you to stay sober, Deacon. I'm going out on a limb for you and I can't have you messing up again. Can you do that?"
He took a deep breath and then rubbed his hands over his face. He didn't respond right away. Finally he said, "I don't want to fuck this up, Rayna. I don't want to disappoint you. I will do everything in my power to make this work."
I nodded, but didn't say anything. I hoped he could do this. I needed him. I hoped I could do it. Being close to him again, working with him again, would be hard. It would be hard not to fall into old patterns. I was a little nervous about how Teddy would react when I told him. He still didn't know a lot about my relationship with Deacon, but Tandy had clued him in to some of it, the worst parts of it, of course. But this was my career and I needed to have the best around me and Deacon was certainly that. I wanted this to work. Badly.
I pushed myself up and stepped off the table. Deacon followed. I turned to him. "I'm glad we're still going to work together."
"Me too. Thanks, Ray."
I nodded and smiled. Then I turned and walked up the hill to my car, with Deacon following behind me. He reached in and opened the car door for me. I went to get in the car and then turned back. He took a step towards me and pulled me towards him. His lips covered mine and I opened my mouth to his and we kissed hungrily. We kissed for a long time, slow and deep, and then finally we broke away from each other, with just feathery kisses until I finally stepped back. I was pretty sure the pain I saw in Deacon's eyes matched my own.
"I'm sorry," he said, sadly.
I shrugged. "It's ok. I still care about you, Deacon. That hasn't changed. You're still a big part of my life."
He reached out to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear and let his thumb graze my cheek. Then he stepped back, turned, and walked to his truck. I watched him get in and drive off without looking back. I got in my car and sat for a few minutes, breathing in deeply, my heart aching the way I guessed his was as well.
This would be hard.
I waited a few days before I told Teddy that I had hired Deacon back. Even though he stayed out of my business when it came to my career, I wasn't sure how he would react to my news. I didn't feel like I had to justify my decisions to Teddy, but things were more serious between the two of us and I didn't want to blindside him. I didn't expect this to go particularly well.
We were at dinner and Teddy had been telling me about some business deal he was working on. I pretended to be interested, smiling and nodding at him, and occasionally saying, "Wow, that's great." I'm pretty sure Teddy knew I didn't really understand what he was telling me, but he never called me out on it. Truthfully, he kind of did the same thing to me when I talked about my career. So when he had finished his story, I took a small sip of my wine and cleared my throat. "So, I'm getting ready to head back to the studio tomorrow."
Teddy smiled pleasantly. "I'm sure you're excited about that," he said.
I smiled and looked away. "I am. I always like working on a new album." I took another larger sip of wine. "So, I've made some changes to my band. I think that will improve the sound." I had told Teddy before that my lead guitar player had not been a good choice and that I had felt like the end of my tour had not gone well because of it. I wasn't sure he remembered that though. "I replaced my lead guitar player."
Teddy looked at me and raised his eyebrows. He had raised his glass towards his mouth and now he set it down. "Really," he said flatly.
"Um, yeah. You know, I went to the Wild Horse the other night to hear Vince Gill and Deacon was playing with him. He seems to be back on his program and he's not tied to Vince, so I hired him back." I had lowered my head and looked up through my lashes at Teddy. He didn't look happy.
Teddy looked hard at me. "Deacon? Really, Rayna? Why would you do that?"
I scrunched up my face and flipped my hand. "He's the best, Teddy. And I told him it was strictly business."
Teddy made a face and smiled sarcastically. "Are you really that naïve, Rayna? He's not going to behave himself around you, you know that."
I glared at Teddy. "Why would you think that? Do you not think that I can handle him?"
"I think you would intend to, but you have a long history with him. And you haven't made smart choices in the past when it comes to him." He took a deep swallow from his glass. "I think this is a bad idea."
"Well, it's my career, so it's my decision, Teddy." I bristled a little at his assumption that I would not make smart choices. Although Lord knows I hadn't already. "You have to trust me, Teddy."
"I trust you, Rayna. It's Deacon I don't trust."
I looked down. I felt guilty about my actions around Deacon, knowing that Teddy trusted me. If he only knew. "You don't have to worry, Teddy. Bucky will be there too and he'll help keep Deacon in line."
Teddy shook his head. "I still think it's a bad idea, Rayna. But you're right, it's your career and your decision. Just be careful."
I nodded. Teddy changed the subject, but the rest of the night felt strained. He didn't stay over that night, just kissed me lightly and hugged me. I felt like I had disappointed him. Like I had disappointed myself. Deacon was just too much a part of me for me to think clearly where he was concerned. I wondered if I had made a mistake after all.
Deacon was quiet the next day at rehearsal. It was oddly comforting to have him standing behind me again, but I had to wonder what he thought about some of what we were playing. The rehearsal went well and I knew, at the end, that it had been the right decision to bring him back. When we were done and the other members of my band had left, I looked at him as he put his things in his satchel and prepared to leave. He had just turned to walk out when I called after him. "Deacon!" He turned to look at me, but I couldn't tell what he was thinking. "How did it feel?" I asked. "Being back."
"Good, Ray," he responded. He shook his head with a short laugh. "Interesting songs you wrote though."
I smiled apologetically. "Well, you know there were some tough times there at the end and it helped to write about them."
He looked away for a moment, then back at me. "I have to say it feels a little strange to be standing here while you're singing about how I was such a mistake or how you're going to bury our love or how you went through hell. Just feels weird, Rayna."
I frowned. "Well, you know what, Deacon? I did go through hell and I did have to find a way to get past you. I don't know how it's any different than that song you wrote about being in my sideshow. Damn it, the only way I know to speak my feelings is through my music. And you hurt me, Deacon. You hurt me over and over again." I was shouting at this point and Deacon was rocking from one foot to the other, scowling at me.
He just stood there looking at me for a minute and then he put his satchel and guitar down and walked over to me. He put his hand on the back of my neck and pulled me towards him, kissing me hard. I pressed my hands against his back, pulling him in closer to me, and I kissed him back. I moaned in the back of my throat as the kiss grew more demanding and he slid his hand down my back and cupped my ass. I could feel him hard against me. And then I thought about Teddy. I pulled back, still breathing hard, my lips feeling rough from his mouth on them.
We stood there looking at each other for a moment and then Deacon's eyes darkened and he breathed out hard. "Damn it, Ray," he said softly.
I felt tears in my eyes and I pressed my hand against my stomach. I shook my head. "Please don't do this to me," I whispered.
He turned and walked back to where he had left his things, picked them up, and walked out.
For the most part, we were able to stay away from each other. I would be the first to leave most of the time, so that I didn't end up being there with just him. He made a habit of walking out with some of the other members of the band. It did feel like the tension between us helped make the music better somehow. Once in a while, we would find ourselves alone together, and sometimes we couldn't help taking the opportunity. But it had only been kissing, nothing more. And afterwards I always felt ashamed that I couldn't stay away.
Then there was one day in early March. We were almost finished with the recording and I had stayed afterwards to listen to some of the tracks. I was sitting by myself with the headphones on and my eyes closed, listening to what we had done. All of a sudden I could sense someone standing there and opened my eyes to see Deacon. My breath caught in my throat and I felt those quivers of need running through me. Teddy had spent the night the night before and all I'd been able to think of as he made love to me was Deacon. I had dreamt about him. I felt like I couldn't catch my breath as I stared at him.
He sat down next to me and removed the headphones, laying them on a table. He reached out his hand and ran a couple fingers down my cheek. I moaned and leaned into his hand, not taking my eyes off him. He moved closer and put his hands on my waist, leaning in to kiss me lightly. I moaned again and put my hands on either side of his face and deepened the kiss. He moved one hand to my thigh and started to slide it up my leg. I pulled back with a gasp and put my hand on his. "No," I said.
He breathed in raggedly. "Rayna, I love you. I still love you."
I shook my head. "Deacon…."
He pleaded with his eyes. "Please give me another chance," he said. "Please."
"I don't think I…."
He grabbed my hand. "Let's just talk then. Come with me to the cabin and let's talk."
I shook my head again. "I don't think that's a good idea, Deacon."
"Please, Ray. Just let me show you that I'm doing better. Please, baby. Please."
I was ready to tell him no, but he looked so good and I'd missed him so much. I could at least listen to him, right? So, even though a little voice inside me told me I was making a big mistake, I took a deep breath and then smiled at him. "Ok, I'll go. But I'm going to drive my own car. I'll follow you up there, ok?"
He broke into a huge smile that lit up his face and made my heart flutter. "Thank you, baby," he said and then he leaned in and kissed me hard. He stood, pulling me up with him. "Let's go then." And I followed him out to the parking lot. We stood by my car kissing for a few minutes and then he opened the door for me. I got in and he shut the door, then practically ran to his truck. That was how I ended up following him to the cabin. That was the night that changed my life forever.
