A huge thanks has to go to DearPearlie as usual, for her encouragement and support on this. Love ya lady!
There is angst ahead, but I promise there are also good times to come too. Just maybe not in this chapter.
Scully's waters broke at 5am on 6th April, just over two and a half months before her due date. As soon as she realized something was wrong, she woke Mulder, who immediately got on the phone to Maggie, urging her to get there quickly. She arrived in record time, concern written all over her face as she watched Mulder lead Scully to the car and speed off in the direction of the hospital, holding her hand the entire way, half convinced – and wishing – he was still dreaming.
Baby boy Ryan Joseph Mulder was born sleeping a little over an hour after they arrived at the hospital, weighing just one pound, eleven ounces, despite doctors doing everything they could. He was placed into his sobbing mom's arms, and both Scully and Mulder were given time alone to say goodbye to their little boy. A few hours later, after Scully had finally drifted off to sleep, Mulder finally arrived home to take a shower and pick up a change of clothes for her. During that morning's rush, he hadn't even thought about packing a bag for her; his only thought was that she had to get to the hospital as soon as possible.
He entered the house to find Maggie and Ashley perched on the edge of the couch, no doubt having heard him approach. William must have been down for his nap. As soon as she saw her father, Ashley got to her feet and approached him. "I'm sorry daddy", she said softly, her bottom lip trembling. He'd called Maggie soon after it had happened to give her the bad news, leaving her to tell Ashley in his absence.
Mulder took her into his arms, feeling his daughter's tears soak through his shirt. He still hadn't cried, not properly. He had been too concerned, first for the baby and then for Scully's welfare, to focus on his own pain. It still felt like a bad dream that he was just waiting to wake up from. He felt numb. "It's ok", he murmured to Ashley, trying to shush her. "It's ok".
Rising from the sofa, Maggie padded over to the two of them, wrapping an arm around Mulder to give him a brief hug. "I'm so sorry Fox".
"Thank you for looking after the kids", he replied politely, swallowing hard to contain his emotion. Now wasn't the time to fall to pieces.
"How is Dana?"
Mulder shrugged. It was still too early to tell. "Shocked".
"You both are".
"Everything with her pregnancy was fine. She felt movement yesterday and had no reason to worry. Now this".
"Is mom staying in hospital?" Ashley asked, pulling back.
Mulder shook his head. "I've come home to get her a change of clothes".
"Don't the doctors want to keep an eye on her?"
Mulder shook his head at Maggie. "You know what Dana's like. Plus her room isn't too far off the maternity ward. It's not a good place for her to be right now". Scully herself was adamant she wanted to come home, and Mulder knew why. She wanted to throw herself back into her normal life and pretend that none of this had ever happened, that they hadn't lost their baby and weren't mourning yet another lost life. Hell, that was what he was going to have to do.
"I can take the children for a few days if you'd like", Maggie volunteered.
"Thank you. I'll see how Dana is once I bring her home. She might want a distraction". Mulder turned his attention to Ashley, who had stopped crying but was still holding onto him. "I need you to do me a favor Ash", he began as she looked up at him. "This has hit your mom hard. It's hit all of us hard. But I need you to be strong for her. We all have to be strong for one another". After a moment Ashley nodded, and it made Mulder feel awful. She was only thirteen years old and yet here she was having to grow up quickly once again. He just wanted her to enjoy her childhood.
"It's ok dad", Ashley answered, giving him a sad smile. "We'll be ok".
He only hoped she was right.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"I'm worried about mom".
"Good morning sunshine", said Mulder in greeting to his daughter. Ashley took a seat at the dining room table and helped herself to cereal. Mulder was busy feeding William, relieved that for once, his son was behaving himself where food was involved. Recently he'd decided that playing with his food was a lot more fun, and often liked to spit out whatever he had in his mouth.
"Didn't you hear what I said?"
Sighing, Mulder placed the bowl of pureed food back onto the table. William grunted in frustration, reaching out for it, so Mulder quickly resumed his feeding duties. "I heard you. What's happened?"
Ashley shrugged as she poured the milk into her bowl. "She's been quiet ever since she got home from the hospital".
"She's been through a lot".
"She's barely speaking to me. And she's been quiet with William too".
Mulder knew exactly what Ashley was saying. Scully had been home from the hospital for four days now, and had retreated into her shell. Immediately upon arriving home, she headed upstairs to bed, where she'd spent the rest of the day, waving off Maggie's offers of help. Maggie had left soon after, once Mulder had assured her that they'd be ok. Since she'd left, Scully had been quiet, insisting she was fine, sticking to regular conversation and avoiding all mention of what had happened. But, for the past three nights, Mulder had woken to the sound of his partner crying quietly beside him, stiffening the moment she heard him stir. He'd tried to comfort her as best he could, but she hadn't let him – at least not properly – shrugging him off, wiping her own tears away, closing her eyes and feigning sleep. In the morning, she got up, put on her clothes and a smile, and made William and Ashley breakfast. But Ashley was right, she had been quiet with the children too – even with William, who at almost a year old was eager for his mother's attention. Maybe it was the thought of her other little boy, the little boy who would never grow up. She just needed time, Mulder told himself. Things would be ok.
"Your mom's going through a bad time right now", he said, well aware he couldn't lie to Ashley. She was older than her years, and always knew when he wasn't telling her everything. "I know we all are, but your mom's dealing with this in her own way. It takes time. We just need to be strong for your mom".
"Your mom what?" Scully asked, heading down the stairs. Mulder did a double take when he saw her. She was dressed in a knee-length black skirt, blue shirt and dark court shoes, carrying her briefcase. She was dressed for work.
"What are you doing Scully?" Mulder asked carefully, forgetting all about William's breakfast. Ashley glanced between Mulder and her mom, aware that things were about to get awkward.
"I can't stop, I'm going to be late". She rushed towards the front door, reaching out for her jacket.
"Late for what exactly?"
"I have a class at nine".
"You're going back to work?"
"My classes can't teach themselves Mulder".
"You're kidding me". Scully glared at him. "Scully, you gave birth four days ago". He noticed her flinch. "Your body needs time to recover. You need time to recover".
"I need to work".
"Scully –"
"Mulder", Scully warned, slipping into her jacket and attempting to button it. Mulder noticed her swallow hard when she realized the buttons wouldn't quite do up over the slight swell of her abdomen, apparently the only reminder to her that she'd recently given birth. "I haven't got time for this now. I need to work. We'll discuss this later". Without paying any attention to Ashley or William, she opened the front door and left, closing it firmly behind her and leaving silence in her wake.
"Shit", Mulder cussed, springing up from his seat and marching over towards the door. He moved to open it but stopped in his tracks when he heard Scully start up the car and drive off. "Damn it!"
"Dad?"
As Mulder returned to his seat, his blood boiling, Ashley turned to face him, worry etched all over her face. "It's ok Ash".
"What is mom doing?"
He was wondering the same thing. "She's coping", he said, resuming his position at the dining table. "Your mom thinks if she carries as though nothing has happened, it'll be ok".
"But something has happened", said Ashley, clearly concerned. "Ryan's dead".
"Yeah…Yeah he is".
Sighing heavily, Mulder rested his head in his hands, wondering what the hell he was going to do. Ryan was dead, Scully was acting as though her heart wasn't breaking, and their family was slowly falling apart.
"Mom will be ok dad", Ashley added, getting up from her seat and coming round to his side of the table. She wrapped her arms around Mulder, pulling him in for a hug. "We're strong. We'll get through it".
And before he could stop himself, Mulder finally broke down, tears trailing down his cheeks as he sobbed, crying for Ryan, and for Scully.
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Scully walked in the door, throwing her keys on the side. She slipped off her coat before flicking on the light, illuminating the room. "Jesus Mulder!" The man in question sat at the dining table, his hands folded in front of him. "You startled me".
"I'm sorry".
"What are you doing sitting in the dark?"
He shrugged. "It felt appropriate".
"What have you been doing?" As Scully headed towards the stairs, she noticed the familiar cardboard box sat on the dining room table. "Where are the kids?" she asked Mulder coldly.
"I asked your mom to take them tonight".
"You did what? Why? And you didn't think to ask me?"
"We need to talk".
"You can't expect my mom to drop everything and take the kids. We can talk anytime".
"For the past ten days you've been going out of your way to avoid talking to me".
"I have not".
"Really?"
"Really".
"That's funny, because our son died ten days ago and you still haven't said a damn word about it. His funeral is tomorrow and yet we haven't spoken about it".
"I haven't got time for this now", she said, her foot already on the first step. She was going to avoid him, just like she had been doing ever since she'd come home from the hospital.
"You've got plenty of time. Work's done for the day and you can't hide yourself in the kids. I know what you've been doing".
"Oh? And what is that?" She asked, turning back to face him, her heart breaking once again as she saw the box of William's old baby clothes. The clothes that Ryan would have worn, but never did.
"You're acting like none of this has happened. You think if you can just keep yourself busy it'll all go away. That's why you rushed back to work. Hell Scully, you gave birth ten days ago and now you're off to Quantico each morning like nothing has happened. Well it has. Our son is dead".
"I have to keep busy Mulder. Ashley and William need their mom".
"And you need to grieve. Hell, we both do".
"Don't tell me what I need Mulder. You're not my psychologist".
"No, I'm not. I'm your partner though. I thought that meant something".
"I'm not getting into this now".
"Too late". Mulder got to his feet and picked something up off the table. Scully realized with sadness that it was Ryan's baby blanket; the blanket he'd been wrapped in when he was first born. They'd chosen a sleep suit for him to be buried in, but everything else they'd kept to remind themselves of their son.
Tears stung Scully's eyes. "Put it away Mulder".
"You want to lock it away, just like you have everything else. Well tough".
"I'm going to get the kids". Storming back towards the front door, Scully reached for her coat. Before she could slip it on, Mulder stood up, picked up the box of baby clothes and hurled them across the room. "God damn it Scully!" he yelled. "He was my son too".
Resigning herself to the fact they were about to have this conversation, whether she liked it or not, Scully glared at her partner. "And what is that supposed to mean?"
"It means you're shutting yourself off from all of us. We're grieving too but you're acting as though none of this is happening. You need to talk about this Scully".
"Don't tell me how to grieve", she spat, venom in her voice. "You're not the expert on this Mulder. I've lost two children".
"And so have I". Scully's eyes widened. "You think I didn't care about Emily? You think I wouldn't have loved her like I love Ashley? She was your child Scully, which meant I loved her, and I mourned her. And Ryan…Scully my heart feels like it's been ripped out, and there's this emptiness now that will never be filled. I can't even imagine how you're feeling right now. But this is killing us Scully. I thought we could survive anything, but I can feel you pulling further and further away from me, and I don't know what to do". Scully's eyes filled with tears, but she said nothing. "I don't want to lose you, but I don't know how to help you".
"You can't help me Mulder", she said finally. "Nobody can help me. I lost our baby".
"None of this is your fault". She remained quiet. "Is that why you're doing this?"
"Doing what?"
"Scully, you had a baby ten days ago. We haven't even buried Ryan yet, and you're throwing yourself into work – is that so you don't have to think about it?"
"I can't think about it", Scully said, her hard exterior finally crumbling. "If I stop and think about it, it'll all become real. If I stop and think, then Ryan really will be dead. I carried him for seven months, and I felt him move and kick and hiccup, but I only got to hold him once. I'll never get to see him crawl or walk or talk or grow up, and I can't face that right now. I can't face the thought of burying him tomorrow". Tears trailed down her cheeks. "This wasn't the way it was supposed to be".
"I know". Mulder slowly made his way round the table towards her.
"We wanted him so much. It was going to be so different this time".
"It's not fair".
"No, no it's not", he agreed, moving towards her. Not fair was an understatement. Everything they'd been through already, and now this. "It's not fair at all".
"He was our little boy", she added, stepping into Mulder's arms. It was the first time since Ryan's birth that she'd allowed him to comfort her. "He was our little boy and now we've lost him". Feeling his own tears fall, Mulder hugged his partner tightly, feeling his heart break all over again, though part of him was relieved that finally Scully was opening up to him. "I don't think I can handle the funeral tomorrow", Scully admitted. "I don't think I can handle any of this".
"If you don't want to go, you don't have to", Mulder said gently. "But just remember, you don't have to handle any of this alone".
"I just want the pain to stop".
"I don't think it ever does. Nothing's ever going to stop this from hurting".
"I'm sorry", she sniffed against him.
"None of this is your fault".
"I've behaved inexcusably".
"You're in shock. We're all in shock. Just please don't shut me out".
"I know you're Ryan's father Mulder. I know you're grieving too. I'm sorry".
Mulder pressed his lips against his partner's forehead. "Promise me something Scully". She looked up at him with watery eyes. "Once the funeral is over, take some time off work. You need rest. Your body needs rest. And we'll get help for this. We all will, as a family. We'll go away somewhere too, just the four of us. Get away from everything and clear our heads".
"I'd like that".
"We'll do it", Mulder promised. "We'll get through this Scully, I promise you".
"I love you", Scully replied moments later, her voice breaking.
"Love you right back", he said, relieved that despite everything, Scully was still with him. He was right, he told himself. Things were awful right now, but they'd get through it, as a family.
I'm sorry for putting the Sculders through more angst, but I needed them to go through some bad times before I Want to Believe as in my story they haven't had William adopted or been split up. I promise that there will be some fluff in the next chapter, and the angst level will be relatively low from now on.
