I went back to the hotel after my latest conversation with Sage. I figured that I could use some research about amnesia and how to retrieve someone's memories once they were forgotten. I wanted my Sage back and since I had already made some progress in coming through to her, I thought that it wouldn't hurt to speed up the process. I walked in through the door of my hotel room and was met by Eddie's questioning gaze.
"What have you been up to?", He asked, a questioning look on his face.
"I met her again.", I confessed. I stuck my hands in my pockets and leaned back against the closed door.
"And?", He tried to pull out the details from me.
"Well, her memory loss is forced, for sure. I asked her things about the tattoo, like where she got it and so on, and when she didn't know, she seemed really confused. And she seemed like she doubted herself.", I sighed. "Also, the cloak thingy that is on her aura has been opened up more, so I guess that we need to try and find a way to rip the cloak apart.", I went over to my bed and sat down.
"Okay, and how would we do that?", Eddie asked. He seemed like he was doubting me a bit.
"I don't know actually.", I sighed again. I just felt exhausted.
"I guess this calls for some research?", Eddie opened up his laptop and I nodded.
"We need to know how someone can erase someone's memories and also how to make someone's memories come back.", I spoke. Castile hummed and nodded while he clicked on his browser icon. He started writing on his keyboard and it seemed like he was searching hard. Meanwhile, I was just sitting on the bed, feeling useless. What was there left for me to do? We only had one laptop with us and this wasn't exactly some information I could find, hidden in the darkest corners of my mind. Oh no. This was information nobody had told me I needed. We weren't prepared for this. All I could do was to sit there and let my mind wander. Maybe, I had some info buried somewhere. Somewhere only my subconscious could find it. I decided to let my thoughts roam free. As usual, everything started out mellow. I thought of her hair, glistening in the sunlight. Her eyes, looking like molten gold and making my knees weak. I thought of her laugh, her smile, everything that made her her. But as everything lately, my thoughts escalated. I spiraled down and started thinking of my greatest fears and my biggest secrets. I started thinking of everything Sage didn't remember. What if we wouldn't find a way to get her memories back? What if all the things we did and all the things I said was lost to her forever? It scared me. It also made me incredibly sad. What if she would never again remember that time in my apartment when the lights were out and she had to care for crazy me? That time when she looked like a goddess in her red dress. What if she would never remember that time when I rescued her from the Warriors? That time when I felt like I would die if she didn't come back to me. What if what if what if. How would I handle it if she would never become the one I remembered? Would I get over it with time or would I miss her until the day I drew my last breath? I was so lost in thought that I didn't even notice when the shadows started creeping closer than they had ever been before. I didn't even notice when they started dragging me into their madness and closed the door so I couldn't run. Before I could fight it, I was in the cold embrace of insanity and darkness.
I could feel it before I saw it. I could feel the cold breaths of my deepest fears in my neck. I didn't want to turn around and face them, nobody in my position would have wanted that. But still, I did. I turned around and saw my biggest fear being played in front of my eyes. I was standing in the middle of a big church. Suddenly, all lights flickered out and I found myself standing in thick darkness for a minute or two. After that, the lights flickered on. This time, I almost screamed. In front of me, by the altar, stood several coffins. Coffins in different colors and shapes. My eyes was immediately drawn to a purple one, in the middle. When I walked up to it, I gasped and clenched my heart. Tears streamed down my face in an instant and I was destroyed. In the coffin, was a pale Jill, eyes closed and lips white. She was holding a bouquet of flowers and I could tell she was dead. She had no heartbeat. The only pulse I could hear, was my own. It's racing beats bounced and echoed in the small church and they seemed amplified by a thousand. I realized that the other coffins around me also contained people and when I raised my eyes from Jailbat, I was paralyzed by fear. Sweeping my eyes over the open coffins, I could see everybody who had ever meant something to me. There was Rose, Sonya, my mom, and, worst off all, my Sage. I regained my ability to move and ran over to her. Her coffin was yellow, like the sun, and she was holding tight to a bouquet of lilies. Her usually glowing hair looked dull and broken, her usual golden aura was gone, and the color on her lips had long since disappeared. Before I knew it, I had fallen to my knees and were holding her hand hard. I was shouting her name, pounding on the floor with my fists, and complaining to any god that listened that I wanted my Sage back. And if I couldn't have her back, then I wouldn't stay behind. I would follow her. I would rather die in the hopes of meeting her, than live in the realization that she was gone. In that moment, everything felt so real. In that moment, I couldn't separate what was real and what was not. I couldn't comprehend that this was yet another fit of insanity. I couldn't understand that they weren't really dead. I believed that this was what had happened, so when the lights flickered out again and I heard the distant echo of a laughter, I thought I had just experienced a real thing.
When the shadows released me and I was once again in the hotel room in San Francisco, I immediately wanted to find something to kill myself with. It was as if I was blind. I had seen Eddie in a coffin in that church, but I didn't even notice him when I was back to reality. Eddie told me, after that happened, that I had suddenly gotten up from the bed and picked up a razor I found in the bathroom. When I started lowering it towards my wrist, he had to tackle me and fight me for it. During all this, I wasn't present in my own mind. I didn't remember any of this, and that was the scariest part. I didn't remember that I almost killed myself. I didn't remember being tackled by a dhampir. I didn't remember a thing. It wasn't until I felt Eddie shaking me and screaming at my face that my mind came back to reality. I blinked hard several times before focusing my gaze on Eddie and realizing that the whole coffin incident hadn't been real. I sighed in relief but then I took a second look at the dhampir's face. He was angry. And worried. And most of all, he was scared.
"Adrian! Adrian! Helloooo", He shook me over and over again.
"Yeah yeah, I'm back.", I felt a throbbing pain on my arms. "What happened?", I was curious. What had I done under my fit of insanity?
"Well, you tried to kill yourself, that's what happened.", Eddie looked at me for a second, as if insuring that I was really back, before he slowly released my arms.
"Wait, what?", I had done some crazy things before, but never anything like this.
"You were sitting on the bed until you all of a sudden walked straight into the bathroom, picked up a razor, and were on your way to cutting yourself in the wrist.", His guardian mode took over. He kept himself to facts, as a sort of defense mechanism. This wasn't a pleasant situation, he didn't want to feel anymore than necessary, and I understood him.
"Holy shit. I don't remember a thing.", I said truthfully. "Did I say something?"
"You kept muttering 'Everyone is dead' and 'I'm coming Sage' over and over again.", Eddie sighed and sat down.
"I did? Fuck. This is not good.", I also sat down, tired all of a sudden.
"Yeah you did. It was really scary.", Eddie looked up at the ceiling and I stared straight forward.
"I'm sorry Eddie. I'm sorry that you had to see that. I'm sorry that I scared you. I'm just, I'm sorry.", I couldn't say it enough. I was broken inside. I never wanted anyone to see me like this. Ever.
"It's okay, I mean, you scared me half to death, but you didn't mean it. It isn't your fault.", His voice was barely above a whisper and he sighed once again.
"Yeah, I guess. But still, I'm sorry.", I sighed.
"Don't be sorry.", He simply said and got his laptop once again. "You couldn't help it.", He started writing and searching and I felt a strange feeling of relief in my chest. This kind of talk to Castile wasn't anything I was used to. It felt weird, but strangely good. I think I needed this kind of talk. The kind of talk where you forget about everything except the point you need to get across. You forget about all the trivial things, like the gender and age of the person you're talking to, but also you forget about all past experiences with this person. You're just talking because you need to, and you want to. It's that kind of talk when there is no room for lies, no room for hiding the truth. The kind of talk when you just pour out your heart because you need to. The best kind of talks.
Everything seemed hopeless. We hadn't found anything even remotely plausible that could've happened to Sage. Not a single piece of information. Nothing. We were lost. We didn't know what to do anymore. At one point, I gave up and told Castile that we should just go back to court. It was no use to even try anymore. He had told me to get myself together. He had said that we was not leaving until we got her back. I accepted his decision, but inside, I still felt like it wasn't worth our time anymore. I had finally given up. I had finally realized that it was hopeless. I was five months later than the rest of my friends, but at last I had came to the conclusion that it wasn't worth it anymore. If I couldn't get my Sage back, then I didn't want anything at all. I didn't crave booze or cigarettes anymore. I didn't crave art. I didn't even crave Sage. I was numb. I was nothing. My life had no purpose anymore. I just wanted everything to be over, and I wanted it to be over fast. There was no point in clinging on to my last piece of hope and love anymore since it was starting to slip out of my fingers. The love that had burned so strong inside of me felt cold. Since I knew I wasn't going to get her back, I kind of put my love behind a locked door and hid the key. I didn't want to feel it. I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to be in love anymore. I wanted to forget. I wanted her to come back. But most of all, I wanted to disappear. Life wasn't worth living anymore and it scared me. It scared me that I had lost my purpose. It scared me that I had lost my drive. It scared me that I had lost the will to live. After a few days where I was basically just lying under a blanket on my bed and feeling miserable, Eddie forced me to go out. And out I went. I went and tried to soak up some of people's happiness. I tried to steal a bit of their joy towards life. But nothing worked. I sat for hours, just studying people's auras and admiring the pretty colors, but I still didn't want to exist. I was so scared.
A/N: I'm starting school again tomorrow but I will try to update at the same speed I have always done, and if I don't, it's because I'm buried in homework. I'm still planning on getting all the chapters out before The Indigo Spell though. Anyway, hope you liked this chapter!
