Of Crossovers and Internet Junk
Itachi woke up, and immediately noticed that something was quite… different about his bed. You see, instead of the normal, fluffy pillows and soft, silky blankets and sheets, the usual comfy mattress and cuddly teddy bear, the often-around Mr. Fluffikins the bunny – instead of all that there was-
A staircase.
He was lying on a staircase that he had previously been sleeping on, and that he assumed he had once been walking on. As if to top it all off, it wasn't even his own staircase! No, he could understand that – he often fell asleep on the fuzzy, carpeted stairs of his house – but this was set of stairs he had never seen before. Good thing, too – he thought they were quite gaudy.
Now don't be confused, these stairs were nowhere near comfortable – in fact, one might even say that they were uncomfortable. They were made out of what looked like Ancient Egyptian stone. Hell, ltachi may as well have been sleeping on a pyramid.
Of course, then he looked around and realized that no, this was no pyramid, because the stairs of a pyramid actually went somewhere. These stairs seemed to lead to nothing but more stairs, and heartache – betrayal of the worst kind, because if you can't trust your staircase, who can you trust?
Before he could further contemplate the depths of sorrow this lie of a staircase took him to, he was distracted by the sudden lurch of the ground beneath him. Now, as you may know, being on a staircase in an earth quake isn't safe for a number of reasons, mainly because –
"Shit."
…you could fall down them. And thus, Itachi began to fall, and fall, and tumble down a never-ending flight of stairs.
Meanwhile, outside Itachi's suffering, Sasuke had just woken up to a bright and beautiful day. The birds were chirping! The skies were blue! The clouds were gathered in little formations that made them look like various barnyard animals! Plus, there was a penguin in his tree making funny faces at him.
Ah yes, it was shaping up to be a wonderful day!
Sasuke sat up in his bed, stretching his arms up towards the ceiling and yawning. He was about to call down to his grandfather who owned the card shop downstairs when he realized that he didn't have a card shop.
Or a grandfather.
Oh, there's the Sasuke we know and love! For a minute there he'd forgotten how his yami had killed his entire family! Silly boy!
The morning passed in a haze of melancholy and angst. It took all of his willpower not to start sobbing as he stared forlornly at the few pictures he had left of his parents. There they were on their honeymoon, his mother grinning and his father… grimacing. And there, on the scuba diving trip where they'd caught that giant turtle-squid. And we can't forget the most precious picture of his parents in their final throes of agony, just before they died.
Those were happier times.
Still, Sasuke had learned to deal with his pain – okay, not really, but he wasn't a fan of runny noses, so he sucked it up and went about his day. With no one alive to really talk to, it wasn't hard.
That was… until he got to school!! Dramatic musiiiic!!
But he wasn't there yet. He was actually just opening a carton of milk and sighing like a heartbroken noodle, so really it was a waste of dramatic music and awesome literary techniques.
After fast-forwarding through his daily routine, Sasuke finally arrived at school! Being such a lone wolf, equipped with devilish good looks and a menacing air, Sasuke was born to be crushed on by any woman with a pulse, and hell, even some without on a good day. Therefore, he wasn't surprised when people began swarming towards him, even when he saw Kisame in the crowd.
"Hey Sasuke."
"…"
"So I was wondering-"
Before Kisame had a chance to move the plot along, hoards of women trampled over the end of his sentence.
"Sasuke! Sasuke!" they shouted in long-practiced unison, "tell us again how you lost your arm!"
Oh yeah, did I ever mention that his right arm was mechanical? Because it totally is.
"I tried to use the ancient magic of alchemy to resurrect my mother."
The crowd hushed, unshed tears glittering in so many eyes. It was heartbreaking, and yet they couldn't help but be even more insanely attracted to the handicapped boy.
"That's also why he doesn't have a little brother anymore," Kisame added. Itachi wasn't the only killer in the Uchiha clan; Sasuke's little brother Alfred had been sacrificed for the greater good of resurrecting his mother. Not that it worked - all they'd gotten was a pile of goo they now kept in the basement refrigerator. Still, it was the thought that counted, right?
"Anyway Sasuke, I was wondering-"
Oh ho ho! This chapter should have been called 'Kisame-never-gets-to-say-anything-important,' because he just got cut off again! Snap, son!
"HEY, BASTARD!" Naruto yelled, successfully announcing his presence. Sasuke looked at the obnoxious blond before quickly coming to the conclusion that he didn't want to put with this today.
"It's time to duel!" he shouted at his foe, who now looked very discontent.
"…What?"
"Itachiiiiii!!"
Suddenly, and with only the shout as warning, Sasuke's body underwent a metamorphosis of epic proportions! He got taller! His hair changed ever so slightly, but just enough to differentiate him from Itachi! His clothes changed! Even. His. Eyeliner. Changed.
Shazam.
"Ah, good, I'd been meaning to ask him to let you out," Kisame stated, glad to have gotten what he wanted. Itachi, looking a little worse for wear as he'd only just been freed from endless tumbling, merely grunted in response and began to move through the crowd. He was resisting the urge to challenge random, unimportant losers to a card game.
Kisame was content to follow behind the eldest Uchiha, at least for the moment. But not forever. Oh no, not today. Today, Kisame had plans for the Uchiha… Evil plans… Tricky plans… Plan-ish plans that he had planned the night before, and all was going according to plan at the moment. Insert evil snicker here, if you so desire.
Wait, false alarm! Everything was not going according to plans, because the dark haired young man had suddenly veered off his path and was heading towards… well, nothing really. Just sort of wandering. But it wasn't where Kisame needed him to wander!
Dread was beginning to set in – if he missed this opportunity, who knows when it would come again! FishMan had to think fast, and act even faster! Only with cunning, and subtly could he bend the Uchiha to his will and see his tactical genius brought to light.
"Hey, Itachi, walk this way," Kisame said, grabbing Itachi's shoulders and pointing the teen in a different direction. The red-eyed killer looked mildly irritated – which was impressive, considering his facial muscles' habits of not moving – but said nothing, content to go wherever it was that Kisame wanted him to.
But the world was not content to allow Kisame to have his way, for it had placed a box in the way of Itachi's path. It was a dark box, a mysterious box. It was a little bit cheap-looking, one had to admit; a little bit this-was-made-out-of-cardboard looking. But it was still there! How ever would Kisame find a way out of this predicament?! What will he –
Oh, Itachi just kicked it out of his way. Which, for some reason, greatly upset Hidan, as he ran after the box calling 'Mother!' He looked stricken, almost like he was about to start crying. Passing odd, that.
Just when conflict seemed out of the way, The World threw another thing into Itachi's path – a notebook! A… Death Note?
Frowning, Itachi leaned down and picked up the seemingly harmless black book. He didn't know what to think of something so childish just lying around KHSGCCWHBKOEOS – whoever put it there was pretty irresponsible. Still, it was at least a tad interesting.
"Itachi… that's a Death Note you're holding… hyuk hyuk hyuk," Kisame stated. Itachi looked at him like he was stupid.
"I can read English."
"All you have to do is write a person's name in there… and they die by boating accident."
"Boating… accident…" Itachi's eyes widened, and he ripped the notebook open. Literally. The front cover fell to the ground, and his mouth opened in shock. Written on the first page was: "UCHIHA FAMILY, SANS ITACHI, SASUKE, AND ALFRED."
The horrible truth was finally out! The person who had previously owned this Death Note had killed his family!
But Itachi really didn't care. He just dropped the book back down on the ground and walked off, leaving a slightly dismayed Kisame behind. Only one phrase could sum up what had just happened for the shinigami-fish-man:
Not just as planned.
Oh well, he'd find something else. And with that, he too walked off.
The day passed rather quickly, though everyone had been acting slightly strange all day. The oddest part for Itachi had to have been when he walked into the bathroom only to find Sasori ranting about how he would become an angel of death and judge all the criminals that had escaped justice. Itachi had quickly backed out and hunted down another bathroom.
Nonetheless, there he was at lunch sitting with the usual group of cheerleaders. Sasori was actually writing in the notebook Itachi had dropped earlier, and Hidan was, for unknown and disturbing reasons, cooing to the box he called 'mother.' And Deidara was… pretending he was a wizard?
"I put on me robe and wizard 'at, un!"
Sir Leader glared at the blond.
"When did you get that stupid scar on your forehead?"
"Oi, you dun know me? I'm that righteous bloke 'Arry 'Otter!" he pronounced happily, with a terrible English accent.
"Right…"
"Oi oi oi! I got me scar 'ere and evert'ing, un!"
"And what are you supposed to be, Hidan?" Leader decided to move on, perhaps to safer territories. Seriously, some days it seemed like he was the only normal person around.
"Don't. Touch. Mother. Don't even look at her!" Hidan growled, tugging the box closer to his chest. "I'm her favorite."
"…"
"I'll take a chip… AND EAT IT!" Sasori suddenly shouted, dramatically tearing into a comically small potato chip.
"OI! You got yer c'ip on me 'at!!"
Sir Leader wanted to die. Itachi wanted to duel. They were both about to act on those impulses when a couple of guys who were up to no good started making trouble in their cafeteria. As a group, the cheerleaders looked over at this great disturbance, which was so disturbing Leader didn't even have time to be proud that Deidara had acted as part of the group.
Those couple of guys were Orochimaru and some white-haired loser with big glasses. Oh yeah, Kabuto. Right.
Leader shot to his feet, his chair crashing to the ground after him. There a passionate anger burning in him that he hadn't felt… well, ever before. It filled him with an intense need to kill the dark haired man in front of him.
"Die monster. You don't belong in this world!" he shouted, very serious-business-like.
"It was not by my hand that I am once again given flesh-" Collective gasp from the audience! "-I was called here by… schoolchildren who wish to pay me tribute!"
"Tribute?!" Leader scoffed, "You steal teenagers' souls and make them your slaves!"
"Perhaps the same could be said of all school functions…"
"Your words are as empty as your soul! Konoha ill needs an activities director such as you!"
"What is a cheerleader? A miserable little pile of secrets. But enough talk, have at you!"
But before anyone could have at anything, the shrieking sound of a gypsy near death came screaming towards, emanating from… a race car.
The car slid to a stop, swinging to its side as the driver jumped out, his hand sweeping from his side to the front his chest and the camera angle zooming dramatically onto his face.
"Oh Negi, you were wonderful!" Sakura wibbled and flounced as femalely as she could to his side. Before Negi could respond to this decidedly womanly declaration of his awesome, Konohamaru and a monkey popped out of his trunk.
"Konohamaru!" everyone shouted at once, in that 'oh-you-got-me-didn't-you-:D-:D' tone of voice. And the scene froze.
And froze.
And froze for a little while longer…
And kept on freezing, until they finally realized that there would be no fading to black to end the episode.
Everyone just kind of stood there, shuffling his or her feet and looking awkward, purposefully avoiding eye contact with any other person. It was embarrassing, really, the way this chapter just kept going past the hilarious end.
They were really getting their awkward silence on when NINJAS! attacked. Not the silent, stealthy ninjas either, oh no – these were the truly terrifying, screeching ninjas who made stereotypical ninja sounds! A force to be reckoned with indeed.
Naruto at once began to run towards them, understanding that this – this was his destiny; this was the very moment he had been waiting for his entire life! All the days before this one seemed to be a dream, and this the first time he had opened his eyes and seen past the fog of sleep. Enlightenment was radiating throughout his body, a grin on his face as he charged recklessly into danger, knowing he would somehow survive.
This was it! This was his destiny! To kill ninjas! Yes!
But no, before he could run any farther, Sakura grabbed him and he crashed to a halt.
"No! I must kill the ninjas!" Naruto shouted, struggling against the salmon-haired girl's masculine, iron grip. This salmon-haired girl also, coincidentally enough, had a salmon on her head at this time. No one was quite sure where it had come from.
"No, Naruto. You are the ninjas."
And then Naruto was a ninja legend.
If you don't get some of the jokes, I can handle that. If you don't get the last one, though, google this: "no John you are the demons." Anyway, you guys can guess at all the crossovers and who's who, or I can tell you. Whichever you prefer.
I only glanced through this chapter, so if there are many mistakes, my bad.
Thanks to everyone for reviewing and reading, and sorry this is about a year too late! And check out this sweet action: I actually have a good idea for another chapter, so there might be another update on this before 2009!
