Chapter nine.

Life in the Masood household was still tense. Zainab was tired with the pregnancy and she relied more and more upon Shabnam to help her run things. Masood and Zainab had not talked properly since Syed's departure and they were living alongside each other rather than together. There were often difficult silences between them and when they did talk it was to snap at each other. Tamwar spent even more time in his room on the computer and Shabnam got tired of trying not to say Syed's name in conversation. She decided to go and see him.

Shabnam rang Syed and arranged to meet him that day after work. It wasn't much over an hours journey but she would be gone all afternoon, and some of the evening and needed a good lie to tell her mother, who always wanted to know everyone's movements.

"My friend Mel called mum. I think I'm going to go and see her this afternoon. You can do without me today can't you? She's just got back from Malaysia."

Melanie was a friend Shabnam had met while travelling. Zainab therefore knew the name but very little else.

"Who is this Melanie? I hope she is a decent girl."

"Of course mum. I would just liked to catch up and hear about Malaysia"

"I hope you're not thinking of going off again"

"Not for now mum. I'm enjoying being back here with you."

This was true. Things had changed in the house since Syed had come out. The power balance was different. She didn't feel quite so hemmed in as she had before. Her mother had so much on her mind; she didn't focus so much on every move Shabnam made.

"Well, just don't be too late. I worry about you in that car on your own."

"I'll be fine mum, don't worry, I'll call you and let you know when I'm on my way home, okay?"

"Okay bye. Tamwar!" Zainab called up the stairs.

Shabnam smiled. Tamwar's turn.

Later that day as she was walking to meet Syed after parking her car, she realised that she actually felt nervous, as if somehow she might not recognise Syed. That he might be different. She saw him before he saw her. He was standing by the cinema where they'd arranged to meet, talking to a tall, good looking man. She wasn't near enough to hear their conversation but it was obvious they were saying good bye and as the tall man went to leave, he ran his hand down her brother's arm. Shabnam knew instantly this must be Christian. She didn't know what she felt. She could see even from a distance that that the two of them were intimate. Syed's eyes never left Christian, watching him as he walked away. Shabnam waited a little until Christian had turned the corner and then walked over to where her brother was waiting.

"Shabnam!" He reached for her hand and the smile he gave her was one of pure happiness.

"Wow you look beautiful! It's so good to see you. Would you like a drink? C'mon I know a great place we can go."

Once they were sitting in the corner of the coffee house and Syed had listened to Shabnam talk about her travels their conversation turned to what was on both their minds.

"How are mum and dad?"

Shabnam sighed.

"They are struggling Syed They can not accept it. Not now, not yet."

"I miss them"

"I know and maybe in time it will change but to be honest Syed, what did you expect?"

Syed just shook his head

"Have you made the right choice?" she asked.

"For me yes, but sometimes I feel so selfish. I've even thought I should have tried harder with Amira, tried to make a go of it, I did love her but…"

Syed struggled to say the next words even though his sister was the only member of his family he knew he could talk to.

"I'm gay. I have felt very guilty and ashamed but I have looked on the internet and found other Muslims like me. It's helped talking to them through the forums. But without my family? I can't accept this is it; I will never see them again. I couldn't lose Christian though Shabnam, I love him"

"But you could lose us?"

"Don't." Syed's eyes filled with tears, as did Shabnams.

"There are still moments where I imagine myself coming back…saying it was all a mistake, and picturing dad and mum happy with me. I wish I wasn't this way. If I'm honest there are still times I find it hard to accept myself. If I could…"

"Do you really love Christian that much?"

"I do, Shab, he's the most amazing person. I'd love you to meet him."

Syed was tentative about saying what he felt about Christian; he'd had no one else to talk to since the whole affair began. He could see that Shabnam was not judging him and so he continued.

"I gave him such a difficult time because I just couldn't accept it about myself and I was afraid. He was so patient and loving and stood by me whatever I threw at him. Even though I still wish I was straight, it feels right when I'm with him. I feel like I'm able to relax and be myself. With Amira…I felt proud that someone so beautiful wanted me but inside I had shut down. I would have made her unhappy. I just hope that when the time comes, God will give me the acceptance and forgiveness I can't give myself."

Syed looked upset again

"Oh Syed, I don't know what to say to you. Are you sure this life is really what you want? You are losing so much. You say you loved Amira…Maybe you are bi? Could you not explore the part of you that could love a woman and just ignore the rest?"

"I've tried . It's true that Christian is the first man I've loved. But he's not the first man I've desired or been with. I can love a woman, like I love a sister or a friend, but I couldn't be a husband to a woman and make her happy. I am not bi Shab, I know it. It just doesn't feel right with a woman."

"I wish things could be different."

"Do I disgust you?"

"Syed no! It's just hard to understand. I'm being selfish. I hate to see how it has affected mum and dad, but you're my brother I love you as you are, nothing is going to change that."

"Shabs, I'm so glad to see you. You have no idea how much better you've made me feel."

Later when they said their goodbyes, Shabnam promised she would come again and maybe to the flat the next time.


When Shabnam got home later that evening, Zainab was sitting at the kitchen table with Syed's letter in her hand.

"How dare you keep this from me and since when did you start opening my mail?" Zainab kept her voice low but she was furious.

"You've been searching through my bedroom. How dare you mum?" Shabnam had always used counter attack as her defence against her mother.

"Maybe I need to! What else are you keeping hidden from me? Where did you go today? Tell me the truth. You saw him didn't you?"

Shabnam looked at her mother and couldn't lie.

"Yes, I saw him. He's my brother mum. I needed to know he was all right."

"And was he?"

"Yes mum. As well as anyone could expect."

"Well I am going to see him myself and your father must not know. Do you understand me? It must be our secret. No one must know."

"Mum, is that a good idea? You and dad are all ready not right and I know you. I hope you are not going to cause trouble with Syed."

"I will phone him Shabnam. He has a choice no? Just as long as that man stays away from me, Syed and I will talk. After what I have to tell him he may come to his senses."

"That's just what I mean mum. You can't go there and start trying to force him into anything. He is a grown man."

"You listen to me Shabnam. You say he's your brother? Well he's my son. This letter with his phone number was addressed to me. I have a right to fight for my son. I gave birth to him, I watched him grow. What has that disgusting man got to give Syed? We are his family. I know my Syed. He will see sense. I know it."

"Look mum I understand what you feel…"

"No you don't understand. How could you? You wait until you have children of your own and I hope for your sake that you never have to go through such a thing."

"Mum…being gay isn't some decision Syed has suddenly made. He explained to me mum. It's just the way he is. I don't think anyone can change that."

"Gay! My son! That is ridiculous. Don't let me ever hear you say that word about him again! Syed is lost and somebody very manipulative has taken advantage of his confusion. That is all."

Shabnam phoned Syed and warned him.

"You're not actually going to see her are you Syed?"

"I don't know yet Shab. I'll wait until she calls and decide then."

"Syed! I think it would be better if you said no to her for now. She is pregnant remember and she wants you back in the fold. She will never accept you as you are. You know that! You will just hurt each other. Please Syed, at least wait until she has had the baby."

Later that evening Syed talked about it with Christian.

"Just refuse to see her Sy. You know what she's like. She'll try and manipulate you; she'll try and make you feel guilty."

"She can't make me feel any more guilt than I all ready do."

"Why? You've done nothing wrong!"

"Not in your eyes no. But let's see: I have brought shame on my family, probably condemned a woman to life as an outcast, gone against my faith and committed sins that probably can't be forgiven."

"How can you still call what we share sin? Are you saying loving someone is wrong? What has either of us done to hurt anybody?"

"Look Christian, you know how I think. This is the man you've chosen. We've been through this so many times. Our understanding is different. I know that I have caused hurt. In my religion I am committing a sin. You know too that I'm battling that in myself. I'm trying to help myself. Do you think I want to feel like this?"

"I'm sorry Sy it's just…your mother: You know she'll upset things, upset you."

"My family is important to me and that includes my mother. I want to see her. Maybe I can help her to accept me… and you."

Christian snorted. "Let me come with you then."

"Christian you know that's a bad idea."

"Why? Are you still ashamed to be seen with me?"

"Don't be ridiculous."

"I'm not being ridiculous. You think I haven't noticed how you move away from me every time we're out? You still think its dirty don't you? You still wish it would all just go away."

"Sorry if I can't fully embrace my gayness just yet. I've given up everything to be with you!"

Christian couldn't help himself. He found himself saying things he knew were unfair. He understood more than Syed knew but he was terrified of losing him and his emotions were getting the better of him.

"Oh yeah, you've given up so much. A family who bully you and a girlfriend who would have bled you dry!"

"Don't you talk about my family like that, or Amira! It's not her fault I'm like this and they are just standing up for what they believe."

"So am I! Every bloody word you say feels like a personal attack… every time we have this conversation you seem to ignore the fact that you're attacking me! Who I am, what I believe. You don't ever acknowledge that as important. In my belief system you don't persecute someone for who they are! You don't bully them into a life that goes against everything they feel!"

"I've had enough of this conversation. You still don't understand me, the man you say you love. You have pushed me as much as they have. You think this life doesn't conflict with the things I believe? Its not just about them, it's about me! You have pressurised me every bit as much as them."

"I've only tried to get you to be honest with yourself, I love you!"

"So do they."

"I love you as you are, they want you to change"

"No Christian, You love the me that you have sex with. You don't love a Muslim man called Syed Masood. You love Syed who can't help who he is and who he loves. You still don't get it."

"Okay, I don't get it! Dear god we've just spent so much time battling. Can't we just forget everyone else and concentrate on what we've got? Every time we talk about your family we're back to you feeling ashamed. It was only two days ago you were offering to wear my ring. I can't keep up with it Si. Its straightforward for me-I love you, you bowl me over, you're 'it,' you're the one. If I had it my way I'd sing it from the bloody rooftops."

"And I feel the same. I'm trying to make peace with myself, I am. I'm sorry if it's too slow for you."

Christian pulled Syed to him and they held each other, rocking slightly, both holding on tight as if they might lose each other if they let go.

*We'll be okay Si , I know it."