Chapter 9
3 weeks later
Slowly stirring her coffee in the mug, Rachel stared ahead blankly. It had been three weeks since she went to visit her mother's memorial grounds, and for some strange reason, her pain and anger had only grown more. Rachel distanced herself even more from her family and friends, and most importantly, Finn. It's not like she had anything to complain about though.. She liked the peace and quiet in her mind. Even though things were quite noisy around her most of the time. Finn yelling at her for different things, Haley and Amy coming to visit with their noisy children, and the annoying dinners that Finn insists on bringing her to with Burt and Carol, and most of the time Kurt too. But it was okay for Rachel, she had learned to block out all of the loud noise. The only thing she had to do when someone talked to her was smile and nod. It always worked for her.
Other than that, Rachel tried to avoid contact with anyone. When she wasn't forced to make conversation with other people, she usually just went outside and talked to the only person she actually wanted to talk to.
Rachel knew that people were starting to think that she was being ridiculous about still being upset about a death that happened a few months ago, but she really didn't care. People could think whatever the hell they wanted as far as Rachel was concerned. She didn't wake up everyday to please anyone. The only opinion that mattered to her was her mother's.
Finishing the rest of her coffee, Rachel placed her cup in the dishwasher and grabbed her keys from the hook. Closing the door behind her, Rachel was about to get in her car and pull out before she noticed something behind her car. Getting out and walking around, Rachel noticed that there was a small kitten laying behind her car.
"Hey, buddy." She smiled, petting it's fur. "Someone's lost, aren't they?" She asked picking up the small kitten and cradling in her arms like a baby.
"How about we get you inside?" She asked walking towards the door to her house and unlocking it. Getting in she placed the kitten on the floor and poured some milk into a bowl to place on the floor with it.
"There you go, buddy." she said looking down at him.
Getting into her car, she smiled at the fact that she had just helped a cute kitten. Pulling out of the driveway, Rachel made her way to work.
The rest of the day went by at a pretty much slow pace, besides the quick lunch break and planning period. Other than that, she felt like she was at school forever. When she finally left to go home, she was exhausted and just wanted to lay down in her bed and sleep the rest of the night. Walking into the house, Rachel noticed that Finn was already home, watching the TV with Jamie on the side of him. They were watching a basketball game, go figure.
Since Jamie was here, Rachel knew that she had to try to be at her best. She didn't want him to see anything different and go tell his mom all about it so that she could come lecture her all over again.
Hearing her heels make noise on the floor, Jamie turned around and saw Rachel slowly walking into the living room. Getting up from the couch, he got Finn's attention, who turned around and saw Rachel too.
"Hey, Rachie." He ran to her and smiled.
Looking up at Finn, she noticed he was giving her a cautionary eye, telling her to be nice to the 4 year old. She nodded and looked down at the small child.
"Hey, little man." she smiled, getting down and giving him a tight bear hug. "Gosh, you've gotten so big since the last time I saw you. What are now like.. 20?" she asked gaining a laugh from Jamie.
"No, i'm this many." he said holding up 4 fingers.
"You're 4? No way!" She replied smiling as he shook his head to prove that he was.
"So, what brings you to the house, Jimmy Jam?" she asked getting up and placing her purse on the coffee table in the living room.
"Mommy and Daddy had to go to somewhere." he replied in the cutest voice ever.
"Oh, fun. How about you go get yourself cleaned up for dinner, while Rachie makes it, okay?" she asked the small boy. Without a reply he smiled big and turned to hop up the stairs.
Walking into the kitchen with Finn behind her, she turned to speak to him.
"Why's Jamie here?"
"Nathan's mom is in the hospital and they didn't want Jamie to know. Haley asked if we could watch him for the night, and I figured you wouldn't mind. Plus, It'll be fun, and maybe even a good distraction from all of the bad stuff." He said rubbing her arm.
"I don't know, Finn.." she started.
"If you decide you can't handle it, you can have a free ticket to leave at anytime." He replied.
"Okay." she finally gave in.
"Just promise me that you'll be different with him than you have been lately. He's too young to understand and it'll crush him." Finn began.
"Okay." she answered back.
"Rach, i'm being serious." Finn said looking into her eyes.
"I know you are. I promise, okay?" she answered him again.
"Okay."
Before any of them could say anything else, Jamie came running down from the stairs with a huge basketball jersey that fell to the floor, with the number 23 on it and the word Scott printed on the back.
"Hey, dude. Nice jersey, man! High five!" Finn said kneeling to be the same height as him.
"Thanks, it was for daddy but he didn't need it anymore. He gave it to me." He smiled and jumped around in it. "Do you like it, Rachie?" he asked looking up at her with big blue eyes.
"You look awesome, little dude." She smiled while peeling cheese into a bowl.
"Wanna go shoot some hoops before dinner?" Finn asked him, looking down at the small child.
"Let's go!" He shouted, pointing his small hands towards the door.
Walking towards the back of the house, Finn noticed that Jamie was tripping over the oversized jersey. Turning around he picked up Jamie, and carried him to the court to make things easier for him. Plus, he enjoyed carrying the little guy. He was so short and he didn't way that much.
When they got to the court Finn placed Jamie on the ground and got the basketball from the bench. "Okay, buddy, what do you want to play?" he asked him holding the ball in his hands.
"It doesn't matter. I'll still beat you!" he said, giggling at the shocked look on Finn's face.
"Is that so?" Finn asked the laughing child.
"Yes." he said crossing his arms over his chest with a serious face.
"Well then, I guess we'll see about that." he smiled, walking next to Jamie. "Let's play horse."
"Okay." he smiled up at Finn.
Once the game was over, they both decided to take a break to sit and rest for a while. Silently sipping on their water bottles, Jamie broke the silence.
"Why is Rachie acting differently?" Jamie asked looking up at his uncle.
"Well, buddy, Rachel's just been through a rough time these past few months." Finn tried to explain the best he could to a 4 year old.
"Is it because of grandma?" he asked.
"Yes, buddy. Since grandma went away, Rachel's been really sad about it." Finn answered.
"Is she going to be okay?" he asked another question.
"If there is anything I know for certain, it's that Rachel will most definitely get better. We just have to believe in her, okay?" he said.
"Okay." He replied.
"Buddy, it's getting pretty late, let's head back home." Finn told him.
"Wait.." Jamie said getting up and walking over to an object on the ground.
"It's a penny. It was on heads, which means good luck. Let's give it to Rachie, so she can get better." he smiled holding the penny in his hand.
"I think she's really love it." he said smiling at him as he walked over to the grass. "wait, where are you going now?"
Bending down, Jamie picked two small purple wild flowers out of the ground. "I think she's gonna like these too!" Jamie replied. "Come on, Don't wanna be late!" Jamie shouted, running ahead of Finn.
When they got into the kitchen, Jamie and Finn could smell the food on the stove. Before they could see what it was, Rachel walked into the kitchen.
"Hey!" Jamie smiled up at her.
"Hey buddy." she lightly smiled back.
"Jamie, show her what you got." Finn said.
"Here you go, Rachie." He smiled brightly handing her the two objects.
"What's this?" She asked smiling at him.
"I got you flowers because their you favorite color, and a penny for good luck, so you can stop being sad." he explained with a smile on his face.
Kneeling down, tears started to pour out of her eyes, and she motioned for him to walk to her. "Come see, baby."
Walking over to her, Rachel pulled Jamie into a tight and loving embrace. Silently crying into his shoulder, she wiped her tears away and began to speak.
"Thanks, buddy. This means a lot to me." She smiled at him.
"You're welcome." he smiled and walked over to the counter. "What's for supper?"
"Well, I thought I would make your favorite tonight. So, how about some macaroni and cheese, with chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs?" she asked looking at his lit up face.
"The food of the gods!" he yelled.
"Yes, the food of the gods." Finn said sitting next to him at the counter.
"You guys eat up while I go do something real quick" she said.
Walking up the stairs, she went into her room, and closed the door behind her and sat in front of it. She was having, yet another, panic attack. This was the fourth one this week. She didn't know why they would happen, she just had so much stress and anxiety in her. Holding her arms and rocking herself back and forth, Rachel started to feel the tears in her eyes.
"Okay, Rachel, keep calm. Jamie's downstairs. He can't see you like this. He can't know that this is bad. He can't know about this. He's so young. It would crush him. You can handle one night. You can handle just one night of pretending. For heaven's sake, you wanted to be on Broadway. You can play nice. It's just for one night. You can do this." She whispered to herself as she rocked back and forth.
Getting up from the floor, Rachel walked over to the closet in the bathroom, and pulled out a bottle of an over the counter bottle of Benadryl. Opening up the bottle, she poured two capsule into her hand and placed the bottle exactly where it was. Placing them in her mouth, she swallowed and drank water from the bathroom sink. If the information on the bottle was right, Rachel would be sleepy in no time. This usually always calmed her down.
Going back downstairs, Rachel walked in on Finn and Jamie playing a fighting scene with their two dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets.
"You're not gonna win this time!" Finn shouted making swishing sounds as the chicken nuggets moved around with his hand.
"Neither will you!" Jamie exclaimed, grabbing Finn's chicken nugget and biting it's head off.
"Hey! That was my best one!" Finn protested.
"Sucks to be you!" Jamie replied.
"You little fart!" Finn exclaimed as he picked up Jamie from his chair and started tickling him.
"Ah, put me down!" he yelled with lots of laughter.
Quickly walking past the two, Rachel went back upstairs and straight to bed. The next time she woke up, it was at around 11:00 and Finn was getting into bed.
"He's finally asleep." Finn whispered with a chuckle.
"Did you have any trouble putting him to sleep?" Rachel asked him.
"Not really, he was out like a light bulb." he replied. "He's the cutest thing ever." Finn added.
"Yeah." she replied. "Well, you better get your energy for tomorrow. You know Haley's gonna be here as early as she can be."
"I know. Goodnight, baby." He said.
"Goodnight." she replied.
Getting up the next day, Rachel quickly threw on her clothes for work. She had woken up at 5:35 which was late for her. When she was finally ready, she ran down into the kitchen where a bowl of cereal was waiting for her. Looking at her watch, she had only about 10 minutes before she had to be out the door and on her way to school. Gulping the cereal down with her spoon, she was accompanied by Finn and Jamie, who was fully dressed with Jeans, the Star Wars shirt that she always argued against, and his tiny light up shoes. Even though Rachel hated her life right now, she had to admit that Jamie Scott was the cutest child that she had ever seen in her whole entire lifetime. Placing her empty bowl in the sink, she straightened out her skirt, took a deep breath, and started her acting for the day.
"Hey buddy!" she smiled, maybe a little too much. Finn looked at her suspiciously.
"Hey, Rachie. Guess what? I get to spend the whole day with Aunt Brooke at big kid school!" Jamie exclaimed.
"I know! Isn't that amazing! How about we get in the car so we can get to school on time?" she asked grabbing her purse and opening the door for him to get outside.
"I'll be at school around 8. I have to go to a meeting." Finn called after her.
"Okay." she said before closing the door behind her.
Getting to the car, Rachel opened the back door and picked up Jamie to place him in his car seat. Making sure that he was securely strapped in, she closed the back door, and walked to the driver's side. Starting the car, she pulled out of the driveway and started to head towards the school. About halfway to the school Jamie asked Rachel to turn on the radio. She told him that maybe the could listen to it later, because she needed to concentrate on the road.
"Can we please? You could put it very low." Jamie begged.
"I'm sorry, babe. I have to concentrate on the road. It's really rainy outside this morning." she calmly explained.
"But momma lets me listen to the radio when it's raining." Jamie replied back.
"That's because you're momma's a more experienced driver than I am." Rachel answered him back.
"Please! I want to listen to the radio... Please, Rachie!" He started to raise his voice.
"I'm sorry, buddy. The answer's no. I don't want us to get hurt in this bad weather. Didn't your momma pack your iPod in that bag. Listen to that." she said looking at him through the rear view mirror.
"No! I wanna listen to the radio!" he shouted as he started crying. He was being very loud.
"Jamie, please stop crying baby. I'm sorry." she tried to calm him down so he could be quiet.
"No! I want the radio!" he screamed even louder, which caused the crying to get louder.
"Jamie, shut the hell up!" she screamed, causing him to stop crying and look at her in disbelief. Look's like her acting flew straight out the window. "Jamie... I'm sorry, buddy.. I didn't mean to.."
"I want my aunt Brooke." he started crying again, this time in a lower tone because he was scared that she would yell at him again.
When they got to the school. Rachel felt that Jamie was trying to walk as far away from her as possible. Which she couldn't blame him, since she had practically screamed her lungs out at him earlier in the car. Great. She thought. "You're a sad mess and a screw up at the same exact time."
When they got to Brooke Davis Baker's classroom, Jamie ran up to her and hugged her tight.
"Hey Jamie!" she exclaimed with her scratchy voice.
"Aunt Brooke, I missed you. I never wanna see her again!" he exclaimed pointing to Rachel, who just stood in the doorway with a straight face.
"What? Why, buddy?" She asked looking at Rachel.
"She yelled at me in the car. She told me to shut up." he explained to Brooke.
"Buddy, can Rachel and I have a minute alone?" How about you go get something to eat from the vending machine outside my classroom?" she said, holding out a dollar bill.
"Okay." he said grabbing it, and then exiting the room.
"Close the door and have a seat, please." Brooke instructed Rachel.
"Look, I didn't mean to yell at him, Brooke. You would have done the exact same thing. It was pouring and he was screaming. It was the only thing I could do." Rachel tried to explain.
"Rachel, he is 4 years old! Gosh Rachel, how could you be so stupid? Now, i'm going to have to tell his mother that his grown up aunt told him to shut up!" Brooke yelled.
"Okay." she said getting up from the desk and running out of the classroom. Getting into the bathroom, she quickly checked if anyone else was in it, she found that no one else was, so she locked the doors and went back to the mirror.
"You just have to screw up everything, don't you Rachel. Gosh, you're such a disappointment. I can't even look at you. Neither can my whole family!" she broke down in front of the mirror.
Looking through her purse, she silently cursed when she remembered that she didn't put the bottle of Benadryl in her purse. Now, she was stuck, crying on the bathroom floor, with 5 minutes till the tardy bell rang. Knowing that her class was walking into class at this moment, she decided that she was just going to have to suck it up.
Walking into her classroom, she was accompanied by everyone in her classroom staring at her, even Jordan and Jason.
"Sorry i'm late guys.." she said walking in and closing the door behind her. "Lucky for you guys, today's going to be an easy day. Read the chapter on pages 81-84 and then you're done for the day. Ready, set, go!" she said as she walked over to her desk and placed her purse in the floor.
Looking out her window, she noticed something that she hadn't noticed before. The highway. For the rest of the class period, she sat at her desk staring out the window, thinking of a lot of things.
When lunch came around, Rachel went to the teachers lounge and sat at the table that had the best view out of the window. To Rachel's luck, the window had the same view her classroom had. The highway. Staring outside of the window the whole entire time, she hadn't even noticed that Finn joined her.
"Hey, what you looking at?" he asked, watching her stare out of the window.
"Come see." she smiled.
"What?" he asked walking over to the window with her.
"You see that highway? It amazes me so much." she said looking at it with fascination.
"Why? It's just a regular highway." he replied not as into it as she was.
"It's just so amazing, and the cars go by so fast." she smiled brightly at the passing cars.
"Okay, well I have an urgent Glee club meeting that I have to get to , but i'm glad you found something that makes you happy. I'll see you later, sweetie. Have a nice day." Finn said grabbing his coke and walking away.
"The cars go by so fast. All you have to do is take one step and you'll be free. Painless, and fast. You wouldn't even know what happened." she whispered to herself as she stared out at the highway with the fast cars traveling on it.
When the final bell rang, signaling that school was over, Rachel waited for all of the students to leave her classroom before she walked out of the school with them. Getting off the campus, Rachel walked along the grass head lane to get to her destination, in which she had been admiring all day. When she finally got to her stop, she smiled at how nice it felt to be standing where she was standing. The wind from the cars passing by was very soothing, and this time the tears were for joy. Looking onto the road, she smiled up at the sky when she realized she was going to see her again. There was nothing holding her back any longer. It was finally her moment. She was going to be able to see her mother's beautiful face again, she was also going to be able to hear that beautiful laugh that she had been longing for.
Feeling the wind against her face, she closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and braced herself for what was about to come next.
Sorry for the cliffhanger guys.. Review! :)
