Never Say I Love You

A/N: Longer chapter. Woohoo! Enjoy! Special thanks to my best friend Darwin for helping me encode this one. He doesn't have any account whatsoever on FFN so he's just Darwin. We both hope you enjoy this chapter. As this is still un-BETA-ed, all mistakes are mine and his. On with the story… :)

Chapter 9: Realizations

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(Severus' POV)

I left the bathroom more confused than ever.

"Thank you,"

I needed time to think. A long time to think.

Sure enough since that day, I tried my hardest to stay away from her. I would leave the house early in the morning, spend my time elsewhere and return remarkably late into the night. Such has been our arrangement for about a week. During which, we have not seen each other nor heard each other. My mind knew that it was the right thing to do, but deep within me, I couldn't help but think about her most of the time. I'd curse myself whenever the thought of her would cross my reveries. It seemed that the more I avoid her, the more I can't stop thinking about her.

Into a week of not seeing her, I was summoned by the Dark Lord at around two in the morning. He seemed more upset than usual that day. Further questioning from our ranks revealed the reason: he cannot locate the Potters.

My heart leapt for joy at the news; it seemed that Dumbledore was capable of keeping his promise to me in exchange for my allegiance to his order. So, it was a struggle for me to keep my mask of indifference and mental shields up that day in front of the congregation. The Dark Lord, of course, noticed.

"Why Severus," he hissed angrily. "You'd think it is a most wonderful news, don't you?"

A chorus of laughter rang.

"Silence!" The Dark Lord bellowed. I flinched on my spot.

"Of course not, my Lord," I said quietly, not meeting the man's eyes.

"Very well," The Dark Lord paced. All of a sudden, he stopped in front of me.

"CRUCIO!"

Pain like no other seared through me. I was used to certain outbursts of the Dark Lord's temperament; but this time it felt more violent.

"Never lie to me, Severus! Crucio!" The Dark Lord sneered as he held the curse on. I thought I was going to die at that point in time. After a few minutes that felt like a lifetime to me, he lifted the Cruciatus. I slumped back on the floor, shaking like mad. The Dark Lord smirked and kicked my prone body.

"When I find the Potters, Severus, I will make sure to take extra good care of your pretty little mudblood friend." He then addressed the others. "Take him away!"

The last thing I felt were rough hands pulling me away and the familiar sensation of apparition before my world blackened out.

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(Alana's POV)

It has been a quiet week.

Ever since that day I thanked him, Master Severus had been avoiding me. I would hear his bedroom door open and close at the oddest times of the day, but never once did I see him. I would still tend to his needs; I'd make dinner before I turn in for the night and find it gone the following morning when I wake up; I'd pick up his clothes from the laundry bin, wash them and leave the clean stack in a wicker basket by his door. This too will be gone the following day.

I should be thankful that he was making it easy for me to avoid him. Yet, more often than not, I just find myself unintentionally wondering about him. I guess you could say that I missed his presence. Yes, I knew he was there but, it was far from actually seeing him. I shook my head mentally, realizing what I just thought about.

A week into him, avoiding me, I heard him leave at around two in the morning. I was still up, finishing my latest artwork; but he did not know that, of course. I sighed as I splashed on more black paint on my easel. After about a couple of hours, I felt my back muscles ache and my arms, sore. I placed my brush down and closed my tube of paint. I'd just have to finish my painting that following night. I was about to get ready for bed when all of a sudden, I heard banging on the front door. Remembering last week's ordeal, I warily tip-toed to my bedroom door and listened in for any additional sound. None came after that loud banging. Quickly weighing my options, I hastily threw on a robe over the thin satin nightgown that I was already wearing and eased myself out of my room and down the hall. When I reached the sitting room, I warily eyed the front door. Taking a deep breath, I grabbed the knob, gave it a turn and pulled the front door open. The sight that greeted me early that morning shocked me to say the least.

Master Severus, in his black robes, was lying on the ground, face down. Without thinking, I knelt down next to him; his robes were torn in many places, cuts ran down the length of his back and arms.

"M-master Severus," I gasped, lightly touching his seemingly uninjured shoulder, but he did not stir. I bit my lip.

"Master," I tried once more. Still, he did not move. I carefully touched the side of his neck. His pulse was there, weak and erratic. I had to do something.

I gently flipped him over to his back; his face was deathly pale, with bruises and scratches marring his once perfect complexion. His eyes were shut but there was an expression of pure agony painted across his features. I brushed his forehead lightly in an attempt to rid of the ink black hair covering the rest of his face. He was not an extremely handsome man, but the longer you looked at him, the more you learn to appreciate his well-defined features.

I blushed, trying to push away the inappropriate thoughts forming in my head. He was hurt and this isn't the time for me to be thinking about things like that. I needed to tend to him.

Now, Master Severus was not really a huge man –he was indeed tall, but lean –but he was still effectively larger than I was. So, I knew I couldn't carry him inside by myself. I decided to half-drag him inside, resting his upper body on the back of my shoulder. I would just leave him on the couch, but something tells me that it wouldn't be comfortable nor appropriate enough. I ran my options in my head for a few minutes before deciding to bring him to his room.

Now I knew he explicitly told me never to go in there –but this definitely qualified as an emergency. I pushed his door open and I was immediately greeted by a dark space. It was not far from what I had imagined; A huge four-poster bed made from dark mahogany stood in the middle of the space, adorned with deep green linens that matched the heavy curtains that dressed the windows. An armoire stood in one corner as did a desk and a chest of drawers in another. The space was clean and uncluttered. AS is with the rest of the house, the walls were a deep, dark, cerulean.

I heaved him on top of the bed as I decided to find a washcloth and clean him up. I got a small basin from the bathroom and filled it with warm water. I also chanced upon the medicine cabinet by the sink. I bit my lip as I looked through the small unfamiliar bottles that were lined up –until I recognized one: the vial of pain potion he used for me, I took it and poured the contents gently into my basin of water. I brought it and a soft flannel cloth I found back to his room. He was still unconscious. I sighed as I took the damp flannel and carefully brought it across his forehead. I winced as he slightly whimpered, but after a few minutes, his expression considerably lightened. I exhaled. Once I was done cleaning his face, I eyed his tattered robes. I took a deep breath as I undid the buttons; a few seconds later, I had managed to remove his outer robes and his inner shirt. I fought hard not to cringe as I saw the new wounds and the old scars on his toned chest. I wrung the damp flannel once more and brought it across his upper body. He stirred as I did, however, he did not open his eyes.

"Lily…" he murmured softly. He must be dreaming… or hallucinating, one of the two. I gently placed the basin I was cradling in my lap on the bed side table. I decided to help him change into more comfortable clothes. I rummaged through the drawers hoping to find a pajama top or something, but all I ever saw were black robes, pants, long-sleeved and or collared shirts. I sighed. This man does not probably know the meaning of relaxed. I was already giving up when my eyes chanced upon the armoire. I opened the doors, but only to find stacks of different-sized boxes. I was about to close it once more when something caught my eye right by the bottom of the boxes.

A picture. It looked like it was hastily shoved underneath one of the boxes. I pulled it out.

It was a picture of two kids by a set of swings; a boy and a girl who couldn't be any more than eleven. The boy had inky black hair that covered most of his face and pale, sallow skin. He stood awkwardly next to a girl with bright red hair, a warm smile, and deep green emerald eyes.

"Lily…"

I glanced back towards the bed. Master Severus still had his eyes closed. I let out a sigh of relief. I was about to put the photograph back in the cabinet when it slipped from my hands and landed on the floor face-down. It had tiny writings on the back. I picked it up and before I could put it away, my curiosity got the better of me.

Dear Sev,

Mom took this picture the other day… I don't know if you remember. I thought I'd give you a copy. Petunia said you looked like a creature of the night –I think I might have put a frog in one of her tea cups. Anyway, I can't wait to go to Hogwarts with you. It'll be fun learning magic, don't you think? Although I bet you already know loads about it. I thought I'd use my new owl, Raven, to send this to you even if you only live two doors away –so she'll get used to delivering mail. Anyway, I won't say no more. I'll talk to you tomorrow when we get on the train.

Your bestest friend,

Lily

"Lily…"

I glanced back at Master Severus after I placed the photograph back and carefully closed the doors of the armoire.

"Lily…"

I stared at his face as I sat by the side of the bed. Before I could stop myself, I let my fingers brush his moving lips lightly.

"Lily…"

I felt warm breath escape his slightly opened mouth as he once again uttered her name. I drew closer.

"Lily.."

I removed my fingers from his trembling lips.

"Sev –Severus…" I whispered, not knowing why I did. I grabbed one of his pale hands in my own; to my surprise, he grasped it tightly.

"Lily?" he asked, still seemingly in a trance.

"Yes?"

"I love you, Lily,"

I wanted to tell him that I wasn't Lily. But I knew deep within me that being Lily was the only way that he'd ever say those words to me –the only way that he would think of me as something much more than a servant, just some other girl with the eyes of another woman he loved deeply –the only way that he would love me back.

Wait.

Did I just want him to love… me… back?

I sighed deeply. Against, my logic, yes, I admitted to myself at that point how I felt for this man.

And before I could even stop myself once more, I did the stupidest thing that I would eventually regret my whole life through.

"I love you, Severus," I whispered as I gently pressed my lips against his.

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A/N: Yeah! Finally done! Thanks Darwin! So what do you guys think? Please leave me a review! Suggestions? Comments? Violent reactions? Love letters? Death threats? Hahaha let me have 'em! I would love to know how this tale affects you (or otherwise).

I'll try and update again in a couple of days.

Love,

Eastwoodgirl