A/N: I (Kaitlyn) don't own Harry Potter, unfortunately.

Undear Granger,

I'm denying the fact that you said I look like a mayfly. (And I'm scowling; my sneer is on vacation)

When did I use your first name? Excuse me, I must go burn my tongue (or quill, however you mudbloods like to look at it). We snakes don't see you as an alien. That would be an insult to aliens everywhere.

If the axe murderer was a witch or wizard, why couldn't they use a severing charm or the killing curse? Why even bother to use an axe?

I think my IQ is superior to yours. I'm the smartest wizard in my generation! Don't tell me otherwise, mudblood. My IQ is higher! Fine, I'm the second nicest pureblood you'll ever meet. Or tenth nicest, since there's nine Weasels. I will not like your answer because you'll say I'm evil or something. You're that predictable.

Consider my bubble bursted. (Or busted, however you mudbloods like to look at it.) Is there any way I can send you into severe shock?

I am not a nut! Even if I was, why would I 'embrace my nuttiness' as you put it? That's just weird and abnormal. I am too hot! You know it, Granger, you're just in denial! Every girl in Hogwarts thinks I'm hot! You are right, not many Slytherins are funny. But no matter how I got there, I'm the funniest Slytherin so, ha! Longbottom told me you're dating Weasley, but I guess he's not a very reliable source, is he?

I'm sure I can get any Gryffindork in our year to laugh at one of my jokes! Do you have anyone in mind? How many detentions have the twins had so far? Let me guess, twenty million?

Prejudice makes us purebloods rich. I'm not exactly sure how that works, but that's what my father said. Or something to that effect, I was seven when I overheard that. We're rude to you because you're annoying.

It's against my nature to insult myself, but my reputation is at stake. So, let's see, when we were in second year, one of my perfect blonde hairs was sticking up from my (usually) perfectly gelled head. Happy, Granger?

Pushing you off a mental cliff,
Draco Malfoy

P.S. It's my opinion, which makes it a fact. For the ten millionth time, I am always right!

P.P.S. You can't annoy me Granger. Only Blaise Zabini knows how to annoy me. And Pansy Parkinson's face usually works.

P.P.P.S. I know we're all weird, but you're abusing the privilege (I would normally smirk but it's still on vacation).