Disclaimer: I don't own Vocaloid in any way, shape of form.
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It's funny. My ceiling hasn't changed. It looks just like it did yesterday. It's ugly and uneven. It's pocketed with holes and water stains stretch across its expanse, webbing out in crooked branches. It is still the same ceiling I see every morning.
And yet, nothing is the same. Every day, I wake up, I stare at this ceiling, I go shopping, I report to Sir for some reason and then I go home to sleep. It's supposed to be a neverending cycle. And now, thanks to Len, it's not. I don't know what to think, what to feel. Happy? Grateful? Excited? Worried? Stressed? I don't know. I just don't know. What would one normally do in a situation such as this? Is there even an answer?
A sigh blows through my lips. Closing my eyes, fragments of last night's kiss waft up.
His hands slowly caressing my cheeks.
His hands tangled deep in my hair.
My arms wound tight on his shoulders.
My legs wrapped around his waist.
The feeling of his chest on mine.
The feeling of his lips of mine.
My inability to breathe.
His scent.
His heat.
The strength hidden in his arms.
My body crushed against his, the tree behind me.
The raging fire that burns through us both.
The frigid air and the inky night that covered us both.
Then, the ring that destroys everything. A few feet from us, hidden in the depths of my discarded cloak shrieked a phone that refused to be ignored.
I remember. For a moment, I thought of simply letting it ring, didn't I? I thought of letting the dream continue for a little while longer. But even then, in those moments of pure bliss, I remembered what would happen if I ignored that call, if I disobeyed that voice. With his lips locked on mine, I shivered in fear, of the punishment to come. It was that fear that gave me the power to push away and break one into two. It was fear that gave me the will to wake up.
I remember Len staring at me, confusion coloring his eyes. With a trembling arm, I pointed to the source of the intruding sound, a desolate "Please" marked the heated air.
Even then, he understood the danger of the situation. Nodding his head, he gently set me down, knowing full well that my legs were worthless at that moment. With startling speed, he dashed off toward my cloak and searched through my pockets with expert ease. Grabbing the black device, he threw it in my direction, knowing that I would be able to catch it.
Plucking the phone out of the air, I breathlessly answered, "Yes?"
From the other side of the phone line, an angry voice roared. "MIKU! WHAT TOOK YOU SO FUCKING LONG TO ANSWER YOUR PHONE!?"
With a forced calmness, I replied, "I'm sorry Sir. I was in the bathroom."
"Well next time, take the fucking phone in there with you! This will not happen again, do you understand?"
Repressing a sigh, I replied, "Yes Sir. I understand perfectly."
"Good. Now I want you here by 1:30." And like usual, he hung up.
I guess some things really don't change.
I remember. Len was on his haunches, looking at me with a worried look in his eyes. In a soft voice, he asked, "Everything alright?"
For once, I was honest. Why was I honest? I shook my head no. Everything was not alright. Rubbing my head gently, he undid the messy bun on my head, letting my hair flow down in waves.
He asked, "Would you like me to take you home?"
Once again, I shook my head no. With that, Len reached over for my cloak. Wrapping it around my shoulders and securing it in place, he whispered, "Tomorrow. Noon. At the central fountain." Nodding my head, I pushed off the ground, rushing off into the darkness.
That was all a dream right? That's all I'm remembering: a dream. Surely, it was only that, right? I'm awake now. My ceiling hasn't changed. Therefore, my life hasn't changed.
But there on the table is a new box full of 7.62x66mm bullets, given to me by Sir just this morning. There on the table, only a couple inches away from the bullets, lie a small pile of stole goods. And there, sitting regally in the center is the blue and grey hair ornament given to me by Len.
What is real? What isn't real? Bullets? What bullets? I don't see any bullets. All I see are the remnants of a dream. Evidence. It's all evidence. I am currently asleep. The dream continues on.
I wonder, what will happen when my reality and dreams crash together? Will I be left alive at the end of it? I wonder. But I am sure that I will find out soon enough. But no matter. I know this will all end soon. So let what happens, happen. Today, I have a date. Today, I will dream once again.
Heading towards Kaito's stall for breakfast, my twin tails swing happily with every step I take. I hum a simple tune to their beat. I can't help it. My heart feels so light, it's as if it could sprout wings and fly off any moment now. Is this what it means to be in love? What a careless sensation. And yet, I can't find the will to care. Oh, the irony.
From the distance, I can see the alluring blue hair that belongs to only one person. Making my way to the counter, I open up my mouth to order one of his cheaper meals, since I'm a bit low on money. But it's Kaito's worried voice that speaks up first. "Hey, are you okay?!"
Puzzled, I look at him. Ok? Why wouldn't I be ok? I feel great, actually. So why wouldn't I be anything but ok?
Oh. I remember now. I ran away from Len yesterday. Kaito was there too, wasn't he? Yes. He was.
Smiling brightly, I tell him, "Oh yes. I'm just fine. It was all just a misunderstanding."
Kaito flashes me a skeptical look. "Are you sure about that? You're not in any trouble, are you? That blonde guy looked like trouble….Are you sure you don't need any help?"
A giggle bursts through my lips. Laughing lightly, I reassure Kaito. "Kaito, everything is ok. Really. I'm not in any trouble at all. I'm fine."
Looking at me seriously, he says, "You do know that anytime you need help, I'll be there for you, right?"
My giggles die on my lips and I smile gratefully. "Yes. I'll be sure to remember that…." Too bad I'll never be able to take him up on his offer… "Now, as for my order, I'll take….the F meal today."
Surprised, Kaito asks, "Really? Don't you usually prefer the B or C meal?"
Embarrassed, I explain, "Well…yeah….but I'm a bit low on money today. But I'm sure it'll be fine! All of your meals taste wonderful!"
Frowning, Kaito takes the money from my hand. But instead of giving me the meal I asked for, he hands me a B meal instead.
I open my mouth to note out the obvious misorder but once again, his voice beats me. In his eyes, there's that look again. The one I don't recognize. With those eyes, he says, "It's ok. Call it an exclusive bargain, if you will….Now shoo. Don't you have some shopping to do?"
Slowly nodding my head, I thank him. With a wave, I tell him, "See you tomorrow." At those words, Kaito looks at me in absolute shock. Ah. That's right. I've never told him those words before, have I? It seems that my life has been more impacted by that beautiful thief than I originally thought.
For a moment, I stand at the edge of the crowd. I should stop deviating from what I normally do. But then again, this is a dream, right? Plus, wouldn't it be more fun to do my shopping with Len? I think so. From the position of the sun, it seems that I still have some time before noon….I'm sure I can sit down to eat today…. And with that, I turn around and settle down in a small table in a secluded corner to do just that.
From a couple feet away, I feel Kaito's eyes on me, assessing the deviations from my usual actions. His stare on my back burns and its becoming harder by the moment to continue pretending that nothing is happening.
Gazing out into the crowd, I spot a golden head that shines with the sunlight. Coincidentally, at that moment, the golden head turns in my direction and catches my stare, eyes widening in surprise. Those sapphire orbs glow with joy and they're already heading this way, pushing through the thick mass of the crowd. On my face, an idiotic smile has bloomed.
As he makes his way over to my table, the eyes on my back lift, refocusing elsewhere. Replacing my smile with something a bit more controlled, I greet the boy headed towards me. "Morning, Len."
Pressing a light kiss to the side of my head, he answers, "Good Morning, Miku." The eyes are focused on me once again, their intensity burning a thousand times brighter than they did before. It sends uncomfortable tingles through my skin and it's getting harder to resist the urge to turn around and stare right back.
Focusing my attention on Len, I ask, "What are you doing here so early? I thought we were to meet at noon?"
With a shameless smile, he replies, "People tend to have their guards down early in the morning…"
Between bites, I answer, "Oh really? I'll make sure to keep that in mind in case I ever need to steal something."
A comfortable silence settles between us but as I'm finishing my food, Len finally brings himself to ask, "Ummmm…..Miku? Do you know why that guy is staring at us?"
Len doesn't have to specify who he's talking about because it is that obvious. "Ah. That's my friend Kaito. He's just worried I think. I'll introduce you two when I'm done…...and….um….could you kind of not mention my name around him?"
"Why not?"
Nervously, I stammer, "Cause….well….um….you're kind of the only one who's ever addressed me by a name…and I don't think….it'd be a good idea….to let him know you have that privilege….when he doesn't…"
A smirk takes over Len's face. From the way he leans back into his chair, I can tell he's pleased. "Very well….I guess I could do you that favor…." Reaching into his pocket, he continues, "And for being such a good girl, I got you a present."
From his pocket, he produces a pair of simple black rimmed glasses and places them gently on my face. That's right. How long has it been since I've actually worn glasses? Panic spikes in my heart. How much attention have I attracted with these flashy eyes of mine? How many people have I carelessly allowed to remember me? How stupid of me! Dangerous. This is becoming dangerous! I – I-
"Miku."
A forceful voice releases me from my thoughts. My eyes refocus through the fake lens of the glasses and as they do, they collide with Len's, freezing me in place. His hand is on my cheek. Earnestly, he says, "It'll be ok. I know that you really don't like to stand out. I won't do what I did yesterday. I'll protect you. I'll keep you safe. So don't worry, ok?"
How? How does he know? When did I ever let him know? When did he figure me out? Are my intentions that obvious? Am I that see-through? What else does he know? What else will he learn? I'm scared. Gakupo, I'm scared. Can I really trust him? His words, his promises? Can these hands really keep me safe? I'm scared to find out otherwise. One day, his promises will become lies, won't they? I don't want to see that day. Please. Don't let me see that day.
But yes. Everything will be ok. Everything will be ok. Because this is a dream. A beautiful dream. This dream won't hurt me. In this dream, I will be happy. I will continue to cover my eyes and wear this chain called love.
The only thing to fear is waking up.
Nodding my head, I take my last bite. Getting up from my seat, I clear away my garbage before offering my hand to Len. He smiles in delight at the gesture and together, we head over to Kaito.
Kaito watches us approach hand in hand. When we're close enough, I try to start the introductions but once again, Kaito is quick to beat me. "Miku, you're wearing glasses again…."
Startled, I reply, "Ah, yeah. I lost my old pair a while back and I've been trying to save up for a new pair….but now I don't need to. This guy over here gave me a pair. Sweet, right? So Kaito, I want you to meet Len. Len, this is my friend, Kaito."
Len smiles pleasantly and says, "Pleasure to meet you."
Gruffly, almost reluctantly, Kaito answers, "Same to you." Silently, he regards the two of us, how close to one another we stand, my hand in Len's. For some reason, Kaito seems….mad. But it's something a little more intense than just mad. There's something else mixed in there….
When he speaks again, his voice sounds strained, as if he's holding back….something. "What is the relationship between you two?"
The question catches me off guard. I don't know what we are. I look up at Len with big eyes. What are we? Do you know? We aren't friends. Friends don't kiss and go on dates and hold hands. But we aren't lovers, are we? This is something delicate and temporary, a figment of my imagination. Could we really call a relationship like this to be the same as 'lovers'? I don't think so. Then…..what are we?
It's Len who answers. "What does it matter to you?"
"Everything." In a low voice, Kaito says, "I don't trust you a single bit. You reek of trouble and it'll only be too easy for you to hurt her. Give me one reason I shouldn't hand you over to the cops this second, you miserable thief."
In a confident voice, Len answers, "It's simple. I love Miku and Miku loves me. I am bound to her just like she is bound to me. There is no other way to explain our relationship." Then, the air chills between us and a dangerous light glows in Len's eyes. "Now do us all a favor and stop this petty jealousness of yours before I really get irritated….."
Shock crosses Kaito's face. That is not the answer he wanted to hear. But what comes out of his mouth is, "Miku?"
Len answers for me, a harsh tone ringing his voice. "Ah that's right, you don't even know her name, do you?"
A pained look crosses Kaito's face. He has no answer for that.
With forced calmness, I try to fix the situation, "Len, shhhh. Kaito, don't worry about it….He's lying. Len doesn't know my name either and Miku is not my real name. Len….simply named me because he didn't want to keep calling me 'you'….that's all…."
Kaito merely nods his head but he doesn't look all that convinced. Does he believe my lie? Tugging on my hand, Len says, "Well, it's time for Miku and I to go. It was so nice meeting you. I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?"
Kaito doesn't say a thing. There is nothing to say. Quietly, I lift a hand for a small wave goodbye before disappearing with Len into the crowd.
Minutes pass and once Kaito's stall is far behind us, Len winks at me and says, "Well aren't you the devious liar, spouting out all of those untruths on the spot. You may call me dangerous but you're just as dangerous yourself, aren't you?
Huffing at him, I say, "Hush. Some of us have to get by somehow."
Raising his eyebrows at me, Len retorts, "Well now you're just throwing my words back at me."
Pointedly, I reply, "Well maybe I wouldn't have to if someone kept quiet about my supposed 'name'."
Guilt flashes in Len's eyes. "Oh….yeah….about that…."
"Uh-huh." Irritation marks my voice. "You owe me. That means you must get me a non-stolen good."
Shock and displeasure takes over Len's face. "Aw. Come on Miku! Seriously? We both know that Miku is actually your real name…."
It's a struggle to keep the shock off my face. He knows. How does he know? Dangerous. I may be dangerous but this boy must certainly be a thousand times more dangerous than I. This needs to end. I don't want this to end. I should wake up. I don't want to wake up.
In a stiff voice, I reply, "It doesn't matter if it's a fake name or not. You promised, and you broke that promise. Therefore you bought this upon yourself. Tell me. Didn't you say that you would protect me? That you'd keep me safe? Keeping my name, fake or not, unknown is part of the deal. Tell me. Are your promises turning into lies already?"
A pained look crosses Len's face. He now realizes his mistake. A silence settles between us as Len struggles to think of a solution, of words to make things better. Do such words exist?
We walk in silence for some time more. Then I see our solution. In order for this dream to continue, I must pretend that what just happened never did. In this dream where every moment is beautiful, an imperfect moment such as this cannot exist. Therefore, I will delete it from memory. Now his promise never became a lie. Yes. That is my truth now.
Pointing a finger, I sweetly ask Len, "Hey, Len. Do you think you could buy me a leek from that stall over there? I haven't had one in forever and now I have a craving for one." With big eyes, I tilt my head ever so slightly and beg. "Please Len?"
For a moment, Len just looks at me. He's trying to figure out the secrets hidden deep within me. Can he see them? I'm scared. He'll figure me out someday, won't he? But it will be ok. This dream will have ended before that ever happens.
Walking towards the leek stand, Len gently teases me. "You know Miku. Most girls ask for flowers or jewelry. I think you're definitely the first one to beg for a leek…."
"You know Miku. Most children ask for candy or toys. I think you're definitely the first one to beg for a leek…."
Mama said something like that long ago. How? How did he know? Coincidence? Yes. That's what it is. It's only a coincidence….
My voice speaks up. "Well, if you want me to ask for something more expensive, then, well….."
"NO! No. It's fine. Really. It's just an unusual choice is all…."
"Well, you can hardly call me ordinary, now can you?"
Len chuckles at that. "Yes. You're certainly right on that point. Now can you do me a favor? Can you wait here?"
We are now a couple stands away from the leek stall. Shooting him a skeptic look, my eyes say everything. Smiling gently, he says, "Look. I know what you're thinking. And don't worry. I'm going to keep my promise this time. I won't steal it. You'll see." With that, he heads over to the leek stall on his own.
I don't understand. When did he ever break a promise to me? What does he mean by 'this time'? Unimportant words. Yes. That's what they are. Unimportant words. Such words don't need to be remembered.
Watching Len approach the leek stand, I notice that the stand belongs to a young woman. She is a tall beauty with pure and unblemished skin. Perfect and generous curves, long legs, a delicate face. Crystal blue eyes and flowing pink hair. She is the beauty that I am not. As Len stands next to her, I notice that her height is one that complements Len's. They look perfect together.
The sight of them together, standing side by side releases an odd fury within me. An invisible hand reaches into my chest, strangling my heart. I don't like this. I don't like this one bit. They are talking; it's just a simple conversation. Nothing more.
She is laughing. Even from where I stand, I can hear her laugh, a simple and pure sound. The hand around my heart tightens, it's running out of air. Len's hand is on her face. He's brushing a hair from her eye. Nothing else. Nothing else. He's being nice. It's fine. It's fine.
Len's lips are on hers. Something burns through me. This is….this is….this is what? I don't know. I don't know. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I don't like this. Can someone please explain this to me? My hands shake. I force myself to stay where I am.
Len's lips lift from hers. A seductive smile. A shy smile. Len points to something beyond the beauty and she simply reaches over and places it gently in Len's hands. Her fingers linger. One second. Two seconds. Three. Seconds too long.
With a small wave goodbye and a wink, Len heads back this way. One step closer. Two steps closer. Three. Four. And a thousand more.
He's here. He's so close. Everything will be better now, won't it? Proudly, he hands over his prize. His lips are tinged pink. With a huge smile, he proclaims, "Here you go Miku. One non-stolen leek."
Gingerly, I take the leek from his hands. I have no appetite to eat. Looking at it carefully, I impulsively toss it out into the crowd where it is immediately crushed underfoot. I don't want that. A shocked look crosses his face but I don't allow him to speak. Resting a hand on his shoulder, I push myself onto the tips of my toes. With my free hand, I reach forward and lightly touch his lips, those beautiful sinful lips, fingertips fluttering lightly. He looks at them, confused and enraptured. At the distraction, I take that moment to ball my hand into a fist and rub roughly, scrubbing off all of the intrusive germs, any mark of her.
In response, he grabs me by the wrists and holds me tightly. I can't escape. Please. Don't let me go.
Angry, Len stares straight into my eyes. "Miku. What the hell is going on?"
I don't know. I don't know what is going on. I thought you would know. In frustration, tears well up and spill over. Isn't my heart dead yet? Why am I in so much pain? Why is this happening? Could someone please tell me?
It seems my mouth is smarter than my brain because it says, "I thought you were mine. You are mine, aren't you? Isn't that what it means to be bound? And so, if you are mine, then why are you choosing to bind yourself to someone else? Tell me. Am I still yours?"
With my words, the hard look in Len's eyes soften. Slowly, he pulls me closer. Wrapping me in a hug, he tells me my truth, the one I did not know. "Miku. You're jealous, aren't you?"
Is that what this is? "Jealous?"
"Yeah. Jealous." A soft laugh flows gently out of his lips. "This is a first for you, isn't it? You've never been jealous before, have you? I have to admit, this is actually pretty cute."
In his chest, I tell him the truth that he probably already knows. "I don't like this feeling. It's uncomfortable. It's hard to think. It's hard to breathe and it's like someone is strangling my heart. "
Len sighs lightly above me. "Yeah, it's a pretty sucky feeling, isn't it? I'm not really a fan of the sensation either. So let me make you a new promise. From now on, when I'm with you, the only one I'll intimately touch is you. No one else. Would that be ok?"
"That will do."
Yes. Everything will be better now, won't it? I will be safe here, in Len's arms. Len will keep his promise. Nothing will ever strangle my heart again. Therefore, this imperfect moment doesn't need to be remembered. After all, this is a dream. And only happy things happen in dreams, right?
