I am completely baffled by the amount of you that love this story! I realized that after re-reading the first few chapters that I haven't set any sort of real time line, I'd like to go ahead and ask that you pretend Bella has been in the city for about 2 weeks. This chapter is a favorite of mine, Edward tries to turn over a new leaf!

Of course many thank yous and hugs + kisses go out to my betas Madelinejade and Vicky.

Songs for this chapter

Your Song - JamisonParker

Bon Idee - Regina Spektor

Poor Little Rich Boy - Regina Spektor

All Characters Belong to Stephenie Meyer.


I gently ran my hand across my forehead and immediately jumped out of bed at the feeling that ran through me.

"Ouch, my fucking hand!" I yelled as I assessed the damage to both of my hands. I ran to the bathroom and frantically searched for tweezers. Once I found them I mentally thanked Alice for insisting on buying useless things that I fought with her against buying. I sat down on the toilet and ran my hand through the water to clear away all of the dried blood before I began picking out the shards of glass with the tweezers. It hurt so fucking bad that I couldn't concentrate on anything else. I must have missed the sound of someone entering my apartment because the next thing I knew Emmett was standing in the bathroom doorway.

"Jesus Christ, Edward! What the fuck did you do to yourself? Are you suicidal?" he asked as he ran his hand through his hair with a heavy sigh.

"It's nothing, Emmett," I replied as I poured hydrogen peroxide on my left hand. "Fuck!" I yelled and jumped up as soon as the liquid hit my hand, it wasn't peroxide, it was fucking alcohol.

"Shit, let me clean that up for you," Emmett said as he walked over to me, taking my right hand in his forcefully. "What is up with you? You've been more fucked up than usual lately," he inquired as he began the same process I used with my left hand.

"I don't know, I feel like I have been sleeping for the last 8 years and then I saw her. It was a huge fucking wake up call, and I don't know what to do. I hate feeling this way, I hate feeling. I don't remember ever being this intense. It's as if my emotions are ten times as heightened because I haven't used any of them in a long time." I let the words flow out of me. I needed to say things out loud. Keeping them bottled up would only wound me further. If I couldn't try for Bella then I could try for my family. I could try to be the brother that Emmett and Alice deserved.

"Why do I get the feeling that you're not talking about Tanya?" he asked as he wrapped both of my hands in gauze. "Shit, did you have to fuck up your hands out of all the parts on your body? How are you supposed to play?"

With the realization of this problem I banged my head against the ceramic sink, "Ow. Fuck," I said as my head began to throb.

"No shit," he chuckled.

"Shut the fuck up, Emmett." I glared as I pushed my way past him and out of the bathroom. It was the first time I had gotten a good look at my room. There was broken glass everywhere, my lamps were non-existent save for the shades. My guitar lay in pieces along the glass graveyard and my sheets were completely stained with blood. It looked like a murder scene.

I ran my fingers through my hair and hissed as the sting intensified. "I don't know what to do, Em," I replied as I turned to look in his eyes. I felt so fucking lost and for the first time in my life I needed my big brother to help me.

"It's Bella, isn't it?" he asked with a sigh.

I couldn't trust myself to speak so I nodded as I sat on the edge of the bed.

"I want her. I want her more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. I barely even fucking know her but she already makes me want to be a better man. Someone worthy of her," I explained weakly.

"Geez, Eddie, lighten up, man," he responded as he sat down next to me. "I'm sorry." He sighed as he shook his head.

"I'm new to this, Emmett. I don't know where to start. But I guess I can start with trying harder with you and Alice," I said as I stood up, holding out a wounded hand to him.

"I think Alice would love that," he replied with a smirk as he stood up, taking my hand and pulling me into a hug. "I missed you, little brother," he said as he released me.

"Ditto."

We spent the afternoon cleaning up my mess, in more ways than one. I tried my best to explain to him why I had changed so drastically, except I left out the part about our parents. The idea of them being perfect was tainted for me, but I never wanted that to be taken away from my siblings. I called Angela after Emmett had left explaining to her that I couldn't play that night, she understood and said that she had booked a new act that would be able to replace me for the night. I was encouraged by her to stop by and check them out. She mentioned that the gang would be there, and I couldn't help but wonder if that included Bella.

"Bella," I sighed her name out loud as if it were a prayer.

I pulled my spare guitar out of the hallway closet and made the familiar journey to my Bella chair; it wasn't just a writing chair anymore. It was the one thing that made me feel connected to her. In this chair, I could pretend that I was normal. I could pretend that we met under normal circumstances and fell in love. Our lives would have progressed naturally, and we would have had the white picket fence, the 2.5 kids, and the chocolate lab.

To match her eyes and hair.

I sighed and began to write out the lyrics. They seemed to flow freely now that I had inspiration. She was my muse.

Tonight I'd rather be in love

rather it was you flowing through my blood

scraping through my veins my everything

and you cling to every thread

that clings to me

I live in notes and photographs

and everything I'm holding back

but you're the words that weren't enough

you remind me of a song I used to love

I couldn't call you if I wanted

my fingers couldn't work if they tried

they're so sore from keeping crossed

and tracing over cuts on my worthless arms

if I said "I hated the feeling" it would be a lie

I live in notes and photographs

and everything I'm holding back

but you're the words that weren't enough

you remind me of a song I used to love

I live in notes and photographs

and everything I'm holding back

but you're the words that weren't enough

you remind me of a song I used to love

you remind me of a song I used to love

I attempted to put music to the words but my hands hurt like a bitch and every attempt ended up in a slew of angry words. I knew I wouldn't be able to play for a few weeks. I stood up and sat the guitar down beside the chair, shuffling my feet to the kitchen. I opened the fridge and grabbed two beers, fisting them in both of my hands. I chuckled to myself as I thought of the Edward 40 hands phrase. How ironic.

I had only planned on using them to cool the ache in my palms but after a few minutes I found myself sitting on the kitchen floor while taking turns sipping out of both bottles. I repeated this method until the sun came down. I was fucking sloshed. When I finally stood up the room spun but the pain was gone, my hands were numb from the coolness of the countless bottles of beer I had held and my head did not ache any longer. I pulled a black v-neck t-shirt from the laundry bag sitting on the couch and pulled it over my head. I looked like hell but I couldn't have cared less.

I arrived at the bar later then usual, I could see James setting up a keyboard on stage as I made my way towards the front. I spotted my brother and sister as well as their significant others and walked over to join them.

"Hi, Alice," I greeted her with a hug, which shocked her to say the least. I couldn't help but feel a little cocky that I had done something that totally caught Ms. Know It All off guard.

"Hi Edward..." she replied as we pulled away. "I'm glad you could make it."

"Me too. Hey, guys," I greeted the rest of them with a nod. "Who's this new talent that Angela told me about?" I asked curiously.

"Oh, you'll see," Rosalie responded. I scowled a little, annoyed that she wouldn't tell me even though she clearly knew. Rose could be so irritating sometimes.

It was then that I spotted Bella entering the bar from the side door. I saw her nervously shove a pack of Marlboro's into her back pocket and wondered fleetingly about her sudden change in cigarette choices. She walked right past the group, and I immediately froze. Was she that mad at me that she couldn't even say hi?

You pushed her away on purpose. Don't pitch a fit because it worked.

Bella surprised me by walking up onto the stage and standing right in front of the keyboard. She took a deep breath.

"Hi, I'm Bella Swan. This is my first time performing in front of a crowd, so take it easy on me," she said with a nervous laugh.

I froze again, this time out of amazement rather than guilt. I couldn't help but to be even more drawn to her in that moment. Not only was she intelligent, beautiful, and strong amongst other things, but my girl was also a fucking musician.

She's not your girl, asshole.

She took another deep breath and her eyes met mine. They seemed to be shooting daggers into mine. Admittedly, I was perplexed, but I didn't care, I just wanted to see her perform. "This first song is called 'Bon Idee'," she introduced the song before she sat down at the keyboard and began to play.

Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love

Don't tell your secrets to anyone
Because ideas are vulnerable

As soon as you say your idea out loud

Then it can go and live on its own

And you will miss it oh so much

And you will wait for its return

And you will wish it were your own

But ideas that left never come back home

Don't tell your mother that you are afraid

Don't tell your lover that your heart might break

Don't tell your gods you no longer believe

Because as soon as you say it out loud they will leave you

And you will miss them oh so bad

And you will wait for their return

And you will wish they were your own

But gods that have left you will never grace your home

Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love

Don't tell your secrets to anyone

Because ideas are vulnerable

As soon as you say your ideas out loud

Then they can go and live on their own without you

And you will miss them oh so bad

And you will wait for their return

And you will wish they were your own

But ideas that left will never come back home

Her voice was beautiful. It was soft but rough at the same time. She could sing anything with that voice and it would still be the most beautiful sound my ears had ever heard. Once the clapping had come to a stop she smiled shyly at the crowd and spoke into the microphone, "This one is called 'Poor Little Rich Boy'." She stood up from her seat on the stool and she began to slam her fingers onto the keys angrily, playing with the same emotion.

Poor little rich boy, all the couples have gone

You wish that they hadn't, you don't wanna be alone

But they wanna kiss and they got homes of their own

Poor little rich boy all the couples have gone, they've gone, they've gone

And you don't love your girlfriend

You don't love your girlfriend

And you think that you should but she thinks that she's fat

But she isn't but you don't love her anyway

And you don't love your mother

And you know that you should

And you wish that you would
but you don't anyway

Poor little rich boy, all the world is okay

The water runs off your skin and down into the drain

You're reading Fitzgerald, you're reading Hemmingway

They're both super smart and drinking in the cafes

And you don't love your girlfriend

You don't love your girlfriend

And you think that you should but she thinks that she's fat

But she isn't but you don't love her anyway

And you don't love your mother

And you know that you should

And you wish that you would

But you don't anyway

You're so young, you're so goddamn young

You're so young, you're so goddamn young

You're so young, you're so goddamn young

You're so goddamn young

You're so goddamn young

You're so young, you're so goddamn young

You're so young, you're so goddamn young

You're so goddamn young

And you don't love your girlfriend

I was fuming. She made it so obvious that the song was about me. Her eyes were boring into me the whole time she sang. I wanted to leave. I wanted to walk out and clear my head before I said something I would regret, but with her eyes on me, I couldn't move. It was as if my feet were chained to the ground. She had some sort of sick hold on me and I wanted to kiss her more in that moment than I ever had before.

My girl had balls.

She's not your girl!

Just as I was about to walk away I noticed James the bartender run up on stage and sweep Bella up into a hug. When the fuck did they meet, and why was he touching her?

"You were amazing!" I could hear him say because he was too close to the microphone.

No shit, I yelled in my head. Well, I thought it was in my head. My family as well as Bella turned to look at me. I guess I had said it out loud. I didn't pay attention to anything as I stormed out the back door that led to the patio. I walked around the corner from the usual place where people hung out and sat myself in the small space that was sandwiched between the Bar and the building next door. It was my place to get away when girls would hang on me, more like suffocate me.

"What the fuck was that about?" I heard her say as she turned the corner.

"Bella..." I said as I let out a whoosh of air. She looked angry and so fucking beautiful.

"What the hell's the matter with you? Was I that bad that you had to storm out?" she asked as she crossed her arms in front of her chest and shifted her weight to her right side.

"No. Of course not. You were...amazing," I admitted but then thought about the asshole that was smothering her on stage. "I just didn't like the way James was touching you," I replied angrily.

"Oh please, Edward." She rolled her eyes. "You have absolutely no right to get jealous about who touches me. You don't even know me and on top of that you treat me like garbage so why would you even care?" she yelled as she lit a cigarette from behind her ear.

"You shouldn't fucking smoke!" I yelled as I grabbed the cigarette from her mouth and threw it to the ground. The look on her face only meant one thing. I had suffered the wrath that this face brought on many occasions by Rosalie. Bella had on what I liked to call "the bitch face". I stood up from my seat on the broken stool as she approached me. We were now pressed up against each other, our backs against opposing buildings.

"If you weren't Alice's brother, I'd hang you from that tree by your balls," she ground out through her teeth.

"I only tolerate you because you're my sister-in-law's cousin. I would never even acknowledge you if the circumstances were different," I growled at her. Fuck, it took everything in me to keep from getting a boner. Her little body was pressed so close to mine that I could feel her breath on my neck. It would be so easy to kiss her right here right now, so fucking easy.

No, no, no! You can't!

"You're just scared that I'm a better musician than you, and I'll end up stealing your spotlight."

"Oh that's bullshit and you know it." I let out a sarcastic laugh.

"Prove it," she replied.

Our eyes were locked and I couldn't help myself. I moved in slowly until our foreheads touched, her lips mere centimeters from mine. My heart was racing, and I could feel the beating of hers as she was pressed against me. Fuck, her breasts were touching my chest. I wanted to kiss her and I was pretty sure she wanted me to, but I couldn't do it.

"Game on," I whispered before I hastily pulled away from her and exited the area as fast as I could. I could hear her let out a frustrated growl as I entered the bar.

She had no idea all of my songs had been about her but from now on I would make sure she knew.

I spent the rest of the night seated at the end of the bar with my head rested on the wall. Under my instruction, Kate left a bottle of Jameson with me. My hands were fucking stinging and I needed something to numb the pain. I hadn't seen Bella since our confrontation and I had to admit that I was a little relieved.

"Thanks for the bottle, Katie," I said as I folded up a $50 and placed it into the empty bottle.

"Oh fucking hell, Cullen!" she yelled as she grabbed the bottle and turned it upside down. I left her to her own devices and made my way outside.

I stopped dead in my tracks when I spotted Bella sitting on the sidewalk, her back was hunched over and I could tell she was crying. I wanted to comfort her but there was already someone sitting beside her with their hand rubbing soothing circles on her back.

James.

The next thing I saw was him leaning forward as he looked into her eyes.

No no no, don't kiss her.

His lips connected with hers and I didn't bother to watch what happened next. "Get the fuck away from her!" I yelled as I lunged at him. He stood up in time for my bandaged hand to connect with his jaw.

"EDWARD!" Bella yelled as she tried to push me away from James. I tried to get her out the way carefully. I was so focused on her I hadn't noticed how quickly James recovered and came back at me with fury. He flew at me fast and my back hit the brick wall of the bar with a loud thud. I grabbed the collar of his shirt and switched our positions so he was against the wall as I swung at him with a vengeance.

"Do something Garrett?!" I heard Bella shriek.

"Let them fight it out," he responded coolly.

Somehow we ended up on the ground, I was straddling him as I punched him repeatedly. "You never fucking kiss a girl without permission! She just fucking moved here! She doesn't want the clap!" I yelled as I continued my assault.

"That's enough, Eddie!" Emmett yelled as he grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me off of James. Garrett was tending to James while Jasper and Emmett took me around the corner to cool off.

"Fuck dude, your hands!" said Emmett as he lifted my hands up to his face to inspect them, the bandages were soaked in my blood, hanging haphazardly from my hands. I was also sure that I had broken one, or five.

"You won't be able to play for a while," Jasper stated somberly.

"Fuck!" I growled as I punched the wall.

"Like that's going to help," Emmett said sarcastically.

"What the fuck was that for?!" Bella yelled as she rounded the corner.

"I didn't think you'd want him to kiss you!" I yelled back. I had been so hasty in my actions that I had never thought about the fact that I'd have to explain my actions.

"I don't need you to fight for my honor, Edward Cullen! I can take care of myself. Next time worry about that cunt of a girlfriend of yours who was pretty much giving James a free peep show the other night!" she spat.

"Jealous much?!" I asked loudly.

"Oh, fuck you," she huffed as she stomped off. I looked to Emmett and Jasper who were leaning up against a car holding in their laughter.

"What the fuck are you laughing at?" I glared.

"Should've...seen...face!" They got out between breaths. "When...you heard her coming, you looked scared shitless!" Emmett said as he joined Jasper in laughter once again.

"Whatever," I flipped them off with my bloody hand before starting to walk home. No way a cab would pick me up with the way I looked.

At least now I was fucked up inside and out.


Next chapter brings a character death and a surprise visit from someone. Maybe we'll even see a Bella/Edward truce. Reviews make me giddy.