Title: Decade
Pairing: L/V
Rating: R, definitely R and maybe verging on NC-17.
Spoilers: All aired episodes.
Word Count: 3,390
Summary: Future fic. Veronica and Logan think they have moved on with their lives. They both end up in New York, where Logan is an actor and Veronica a photographer. L/V.
Disclaimer: Obviously, these characters do not belong to me. I have just adopted them for a little while.
Author Note: For some reason, writing this chapter was like pulling teeth. And metaphorically speaking, my gums are still aching. I'm not sure how to feel about it or if it flows at all. I just couldn't zip it out like some of the others, which it why it took so long. Sorry.
A/N 2: Reviewers, I love you. Thanks so much for all of your thoughts! Also, apparently being totally pathetic in your author's note works. It warmed my sad, sad heart. Merci beaucoup and I'd love to know what you think about this chapter. Also, I just got to 10,000 hits, so yippee. I like you readers, too.
Anonymous Blonde
She lay, her head on his chest, staring at the ceiling. Logan's arms lay across her and his lips kissed the top of her head tenderly. She interlaced her fingers with Logan's and he smiled. "Logan," she asked, "what are we doing?"
"Well," he replied facetiously, "I believe we are currently lazily lying in bed in what is technically known as post-coital bliss."
"Logan, seriously, I need a real answer. What is this?"
Logan's face became serious and he stroked her shoulder with his free hand. "I don't know, Veronica. I don't know."
Again, there was silence, but it was comfortable. They lay in the sunny room connected but still apart, each still wondering what the other was thinking, what the other wanted who the other was. In some ways, they were still strangers, now matter how close they were. The years apart stretched between them like a barrier, voids of uncertain time that seemed sometimes unreal, sometimes the only real thing. Logan had said "post-coital bliss", but what Veronica was feeling was not bliss, not anymore, not yet. There was too much that had gushed up into her mind once her desire had allowed other thoughts in. If she and Logan were essential parts of the same puzzle, there were still key parts missing. Intimacy was too easy and too hard and was getting Veronica all mixed up.
Resolved to do something, Veronica crossed her arms and breathed out. "Logan?"
"Yes, Veronica?"
Again, with confessional hour. I guess this word vomit is a good thing, but it sure is uncomfortable. Better out than in seems oddly applicable here. "I feel like I owe you an explanation. For, well, for senior year. All of it."
Even without looking she knew that he had opened his mouth to say something, so she forged on, "I do. I need you to understand."
He was silent for a bit and then he said, "Okay."
"You may not want to talk about it anymore. But there isn't any moving on. At least, not yet. I wish I could just put it in the past and say that it's just the past. Truth is, that's what I've been trying to do and it doesn't work. It's what I always want to do and it's never worked. I haven't thought about it, or about us, for years, because it's just too complicated. But if we want to make this," she gestured vaguely, "work, whatever this is, I have to reason that out. We're all about the past; that's what makes us, us." As she said it, she played with his fingers that were laid on her and he gave a slight smile. "It's why I'm here right now."
She closed her eyes briefly before continuing. "When I found out I was pregnant, I felt cursed. I had already decided that sleeping with you that night was a mistake." Logan frowned and wriggled uncomfortably, but Veronica continued undeterred, "A mistake. You and I were completely unpredictable, always one step away from complete catastrophe. And catastrophe was really what I wanted to avoid when I was trying to lead a normal life, to get my school work done, to graduate and get a job and get the hell out of Neptune someday. And then I, stupidly, couldn't resist you. My own instincts betrayed me. And then I woke up with a killer hangover, but a clear head and realized that I had to get out of there before I heard your voice, because if I did, I might come back again. I was afraid of that. Of what that might lead to.
"And then there was that horrible moment when I realized I had missed my period for a week and the pregnancy test came up positive. All of a sudden everything looked different. I had a choice to make, and I knew what I would choose, but I couldn't. Not alone. But, I felt like if I told you, I'd be shackled to you forever. We were already so mixed up together that untangling myself enough to survive was a challenge. The knowledge of potential co-parenthood was not something I wanted to discuss with you, my ex-boyfriend whom I was trying very hard to forget, about whom it was very hard to feel indifferent. I just wanted everything to go away and leave me alone, but that was obviously impossible.
"I told Wallace. He said I should tell you, he insisted, he said he would tell you himself. I swore him to secrecy. I couldn't and wouldn't allow my dreams to fly out the window then and there. I didn't think you would demand that I give up my future for an unborn child; but I did think that if I spoke to you about it, if I acknowledged the reality of my situation, that I might not be able to go through with the abortion. That I would leave realism behind. I was frightened of anyone and anything that might tip the scale towards an unwanted and uncontrolled future.
"I ended up telling Mac, too, and she leant me much needed moral support. She took me to the clinic and comforted me that I had made the correct and only decision. That I don't regret for a moment. I shudder at the thought of me now being the mother of a five-year-old child. Everything else was immature, but characteristic. I ran away from the truth, from the consequences, and from you. And that was unforgivable.
"I never gave us a chance. I never wanted to. I couldn't bear to trust you and I couldn't bear to be vulnerable. That was why I couldn't be around you all of senior year. It wasn't until you left, so abruptly, that I even realized how much you were essential to me. How just knowing you were around made me feel more complete. I don't know if I've changed at all since then, but I," Veronica gulped, "I have missed you."
For the first time in her seemingly endless monologue, Veronica turned to look at Logan. His eyes were filled with sorrow and pity, but chiefly longing. He pulled her to him, saying, "Veronica…" He kissed her forehead tenderly. "I missed you, too." He held her for several minutes as they sat without speaking. Wordlessly, his embrace was saying, "I understand. I forgive you. Just let me in."
And she was thinking, Oh, please, don't let us fuck this up.
Lunch was pretty uneventful. Dick did insist on repeatedly making allusions to what Logan and Veronica could possibly have been busy with earlier. To shut him up, Logan leaned over to Veronica and kissed her thoroughly, despite Dick's dramatic protests. "Dude, why do you have to make me feel like such a third wheel? This is not the treatment the Dickster is accustomed to."
"Oh?" Logan said, "I can think of a few times…usually after you start referring to yourself as the Dickster."
"Come on, dude, you know the chicks dig it." He looked at Veronica for confirmation but she just raised her eyebrows incredulously.
"Remember when there were those hot girls you said were totally 'ready to threesome with you' and then you were, well, just the third wheel…" Logan said it with a mischievous smile.
Dick glared at Logan. "That was one time."
Logan winked at Veronica and held up two fingers. "Okay, twice, but there was also that time with those Bolivian twins…" Dick started. He raised his eyebrows suggestively. "And Miranda…"
"Okay, so, Dick, how is the producing business going for you?" Veronica said, changing the topic decidedly before being forced to hear about any of Dick's conquests.
Momentarily distracted from one of his favorite topics, Dick replied, "Oh, pretty good. You know, when my stars are behaving themselves." He punched Logan on the arm. "This one is always giving me trouble. His movies still sell though. Still don't get why he's so popular though. I mean, he had none of the Dickster's charm." He turned to Logan. "Oh, and by the way, dude, did you call Joe back? He seemed like he kinda needed to talk to you."
"Yeah, well, I thought I'd just let him stew for a while. It's good for him to suffer a bit, you know. I was thinking of escaping to the beach with Ronniekins." He looked over to her for her approval.
She nodded. "I'll be down in five." Logan kissed her cheek before she left and Dick made gagging noises.
"Young love," She heard Dick mutter disgustedly as she climbed the stairs. Veronica smiled to herself.
The beach was beautiful in the afternoon light. The sand glowed diffusely as they walked together, hand in hand. Each thought his or her own thoughts as they watched the waves and kicked the sand idly.
Then Veronica spoke up. "It's weird to just be able to look at you after so long," Veronica said, inspecting him.
"And what do you think? Does the movie star hotness still make you swoon?"
"Not nearly as much as the overwhelming modesty," Veronica grinned, "That's how I can tell it's still the Logan Echolls I knew so well. Otherwise I would just be blinded by the overwhelming glamour of your lifestyle."
"Don't I know it," Logan said, self-satisfied. They both plopped down on the sand after their short walk.
It was Logan's turn to inspect her thoroughly. Under his piercing gaze, Veronica felt her clothes being peeled off of her, figuratively speaking. "You're so beautiful," he said softly, forgetting the snark for a moment. Veronica just looked at him, his raw emotion hovering just below the surface of his lucid brown eyes. She couldn't say what her own eyes were signaling back. She leaned in to kiss him, his eyes blurring out of focus as she got too close. Their connected lips communicated better than their words ever were allowed to.
And then they heard a "click". They broke apart. And a "click, click, click, click". Logan leapt up, searching for the owner of the camera that had disturbed the quiet of the beach. Veronica covered her face, as Logan headed threateningly toward the black telephoto lens that he spotted. Somehow, the thankfully lone paparazzo sensed that he was not wanted and after getting a few more shots, ran off to his car and drove off with a squealing of tires.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck," was all Logan could say, running his hands through his hair anxiously.
Veronica was still sitting on the sand, hugging her knees. She didn't quite know what to feel. This was bound to happen. This is Logan Echolls. But, now I'm going to be splashed all of the weekly gossip magazines. Branded a slut and a whore for taking up with Logan so soon after Olivia. Or my whole history with Logan will be dug up all over again. God, and I haven't even told anyone at home about me and Logan and this…thing. My dad is going to be so pissed.
Logan walked over to her and stretched out a hand to help her up. "We should probably get out of here. I don't know how they do it, but with those guys, when one knows, they all know, as much as they might like to get an exclusive."
Logan looked at Veronica's far from thrilled expression. "Look, Veronica, it's a hazard that goes with my job. I hate it, but there's nothing I can do, except try to avoid it. I didn't want to get you mixed up in it, but it's who I am now." Her face was still stony. "If it makes you feel better, he probably wasn't even close enough to get your face. You'll just be some anonymous blonde."
"Well, doesn't that make me feel a hell of a lot better! I mean, being your anonymous blonde is such an honor."
"Why do you have to get like this, Veronica? You know that's not what it's like. I mean, I thought you wouldn't want to be recognized. This constant publicity, this is who I am, this is my life. If you don't like it, leave." He paused. "But, wait, does Veronica want me to "change" so I am worthy of her?" Logan managed to imbue even the air quotes of "change" with biting scorn.
His bitterness managed to wake her up to her own insensitivity. "Logan, I'm sorry." He looked at her, surprised by her own quick admission of culpability. As they walked towards the car, she continued. "I've just had such bad experiences with publicity… I don't know how to deal, really. And I a little scared of what the exposure will do to us. If I stay, I can't just be an anonymous blonde forever. All of our history, all of our past, will be everywhere, and I don't know if I can face it. But I guess we just have to see how it goes. For now."
He reached over to hold her hand, but his mind was still absorbed by the words "If I stay…" He couldn't help but think of the other unsaid possibility: If I don't…
Again, a truce seemed to reign. Logan went off to his room to talk to Joe and Veronica was alone again. She lay on her bed examining the tiny cracks in the cream-painted ceiling. What she really should do was to warn her friends about her and Logan. Or at least tell them. It was hard to decide what she should do though because she didn't even know herself what was between her and Logan. Veronica didn't know why any little thing seemed to provoke her, but she seemed to have to stop herself from falling head over heels. Veronica's head was a little too prone to get out of her control when Logan was around.
As Veronica was holding her phone, still debating what to say to everyone back in Neptune, her phone rang. Norm. Again.
"Hey, V, have time to talk now?" His voice sounded like he was only just hold back laughter.
"I guess. What do you want?"
"You don't know? And I thought you were pretty close to genius levels."
"Spit it out, Norm." Veronica was not particularly eager to have this conversation.
"You. With Logan Echolls. Cover story. Exclusive. Do you need it spelled out any more?" His voice was still tinged with slight amusement.
Veronica said nothing. "With photos by you of course," Norm continued.
"What makes you think I know anything about Logan Echolls?"
"Oh, come off it, V. Firstly, I know you know him 'cause you went to high school together, secondly, you think I don't recognize our cover star's voice, even when he just says "no comment" and when he is coincidentally addressed as "Logan"? Thirdly, the gossip is spreading like wildfire that some paparazzo caught the previously heartbroken Logan Echolls with some unknown hot blonde chick, and the pic is going to be an Us Weekly exclusive. Now tell me these things don't add up to you getting it on with the sexy, recently single actor known as Logan Echolls."
"Okay," Veronica said grudgingly, "There may be a tiny bit of truth to your allegations. Now what do you want?"
"We want to make the interview with Logan all about you two. Heartbroken star is good, but now that he's been caught consoling himself elsewhere, an exclusive with you two is even better. Besides, you're relatively photogenic," Veronica rolled her eyes, "and everyone loves a love story. Especially with the whole childhood sweethearts angle. Plus, giving us the details is better than anything a gossip mag will dig up about you. I've talked to Logan's people and I can't say that he's too thrilled about the prospect, but I'm sure you can twist him around your little finger, if you know what I mean."
"Norm, I really don't think this is a good idea at all. I'm not particularly eager to have my personal life all over your magazine and I'm sure Logan doesn't either."
"Look, these are the hazards of dating an actor. You can't escape it. Besides, you already owe me for not cluing me in to the whereabouts of our cover subject and letting some paparazzo get a pic that will destroy any interest in the interview we already have. Think about your job for thirty seconds, alright? I mean, you don't want to have to only live off your boyfriend's money forever. Okay, I got to go, think about it and get back to me." Norm hung up precipitously.
The threat in his last words frustrated Veronica. She had forgotten about her job, how working for Vanity Fair was her big break, her photography ambitions. Logan showed up and she just forgot everything. And now she had to pick up the pieces. Her real life was catching up to her again and she had to reconcile it with Logan's. Again, Veronica felt paralyzed with indecision. Is it fair to ask Logan to do me a favour? Is he someone I want to have such a debt to? Am I ready to share my life story with the however many subscribers to Vanity Fair? Can I deal with the spotlight, the questions, the past? This decision is necessary for Logan and me, but I never thought it would be so soon. Naturally, a little time to settle in would not be afforded to us. Thanks, Norm, you're a real pal!
Half an hour later, Veronica knocked on Logan's door.
"Come in," he called. She entered to see him with papers spread all over the bed.
"Are you busy?" she said, looking at the clutter.
"Is Veronica Mars afraid to interrupt the work of one ne'er-do-well Logan Echolls? That can only mean one thing: she has something she doesn't want to ask. I remember that 'I'd rather be making out with a broken bottle' face fondly."
"It was 'I'd rather be spelunking', gosh." She hopped up on the bed next to him, trying to avoid bending the papers.
He moved them into a messy pile. "A new script," he said gesturing at the pile. Veronica nodded. Logan looked at her. "Okay, spill, Veronica, what is it?"
"It's about the Vanity Fair thing. Norm called me and, well, he wants, he wants the both of us to do the interview." Logan narrowed his eyes but said nothing. "I know how you hate people prying into your life and how you don't want anyone knowing about the past and everything and your father or talking about it, but, Logan, I just don't know what to do. I—"
Logan cut her off. "I know. Norm has talked to Joe, too. And to me. Look, Veronica, this interview is part of my job. I understand that this 'prying' is a necessary evil." He paused to collect his thoughts. "I have changed a little in the last four years. I've grown up a bit, I think. I have come to terms with the trade-offs of my career and my life. If I'm living off my tragedies, I have to talk about them, sometimes. It's just not fair that you had to get involved… On my own I can handle it, but forcing you into the spotlight like that is just not something I want to do. At all." He looked to see her reaction to his words.
"I have to do it, Logan. My career depends on it, and it's all I have, really." Her voice was as cool and practical as she could make it.
His jaw tightened. "It's all my fault. You didn't have to get involved." He crumpled a sheet of paper forcefully.
"Logan." Veronica moved closer to him. "We are who we are. We just have to deal with whatever comes our way. You can't protect me from this, or from everything. I can choose, and I've chosen to step into your world. For now. And I wouldn't miss out on this for the world." She moved in to kiss him and his response was fervent. They managed to send the papers crashing down to the floor and neither gave the mess a second thought.
"Mmmm, I guess I wouldn't either," Logan murmured when he finally came up for breath.
Yeah, so, tell me what you think. Press that nice review button. Do your thing. Thanks for reading, pumpkins.
