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Chapter 9
08/19/2186 – Citadel, Docking bay D24
The empty hallway resounds with Shepard's footsteps, as she walks slowly towards the Normandy.
Her mind is a mess. Too many things have happened over the past few hours: Cerberus' attack at the Citadel, Udina's betrayal, Thane's death because of Kai Leng – that bastard.
And, of course, the armed standoff with Kaidan.
Fuck.
What a horrible day.
"Hurry Shepard, the Council is on the elevator. They're heading to the shuttles with Udina. Spectre Alenko is with them." Bailey's voice echoes into the comm-link.
Oh God. No, not Kaidan. What if– what if he won't trust me again? No, no, no. The Commander is overtaken by fear, while she rushes towards her destination, dodging bullets and slaying all the Cerberus troops on her way.
"Hey, you can do this." Garrus tries to reassure her when they jump on the elevator.
"I– I hope so, my friend."
"Cerberus took out the shuttle. Everyone back to the elevator! Move!" Alenko's voice breaks as he notices her. "Shepard, what's going on?"
Udina approaches him. "Shepard's blocking our escape! She's with Cerberus!"
"Just, hang on. I got this. Everyone calm down." The new Spectre is aiming his weapon at the Commander.
"I can explain this, Kaidan." She tries to keep her tone calm, despite the surge of emotions exploding into her chest.
Please, believe me. Please.
His pistol doesn't move. "Come on, Shepard. Gun drawn on a Councilor… kinda looks bad."
She takes a deep breath and lowers her own weapon, giving to Garrus and James the order to do the same. "We don't have time to negotiate. You've been fooled, all of you. Udina is behind this attack. The Salarian councilor confirmed it."
Oh God, please. Believe me.
Alenko's caramel colored eyes are staring right in her blue ones with a stern expression.
Kaidan, please.
She points at the closed doors. "There are Cerberus soldiers in the elevator shaft behind the doors. If you open that door, they'll kill you all."
He glances at her gravely. "I better not regret this."
Shepard's heart almost stops. "You won't."
The biotic turns his attention to the Councilor. "Udina, step away from the console."
He trusted me. Thank God, he trusted me!
She feels her fingers trembling as she holsters her gun.
Her damned moment of weakness almost cost Councilor Trevor's life, because Udina took the woman as hostage, threatening her life with his own gun. His finger was on the trigger, menacing the Asari – just a misstep, and she'd be dead. Thankfully, Alenko was very alert, taking down the man.
Fuck, I should have been the one who shot him.
Still, she is grateful she didn't have to. She was in a very dangerous position, because of her past with Cerberus and her disagreement with the politician. What if she'd actually take the shot and then Bailey wouldn't be able to confirm her story? Would she be put on trial once again for treason?
Yet, the fact that Kaidan had pulled the trigger must have unsettled him. Shepard knows so well how important is for him to do the right thing.
I wish I could do something for him. If she could only find him right now, damn it.
It is ironic, really. The times she wants to avoid running into him, like last evening at Purgatory and today during the coup, he is right there in front of her. And now that she wants, she needs, to find him, he is nowhere to be found.
Perhaps this is for the best. Soon she'll leave the Citadel again, and Kaidan will probably receive a new assignment, so that the chances to see him again will be very slim. She has to try and forget about him, once and for all.
"Listen Shep. He does love you, you can count on it. I have no idea about what happened between the two of you. But Alenko is definitely not over you, as much as you're not over him. Trust me on that."
Kevin Shaw's words keep chasing her, repeating in her mind like a merry-go-round, confusing the hell out of her. She can barely believe Kaidan listened to her and turned against Udina so promptly, that thinking about him being still in love with her is too hard – not to mention too painful. Her and the Major are over. That is final.
She heaves a sigh and opens the door of the Bay D24, only to freeze to her spot in shock: there he his.
"Kaidan," she breathes.
The man is standing next to the entrance of the ship, his back leaned against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest and his eyebrows tense. At the sight of the Commander, he flinches slightly, proving that he was waiting for her.
"Hey, I wondered where you went." Her pulse are quickening wildly. "What's up?"
He inhales deeply, his posture stiffening. "I'm trying to wrap my head around what just happened."
Here we go, she thinks, worried. "You sound angry."
"Not angry," he puffs, scowling. "Just not every day you have an armed standoff with someone you love."
At his words Shepard's heart skips a beat.
'Love' he said. This time he used present, not past tense.
Did it really happen? Or is she imagining things?
"How it all went down, it's got me…" Alenko shakes his head, confused. "I don't know."
"It's okay." She wants to reassure him. She owes to him at least this. "Talk to me. Let's have it."
He gazes right in her eyes, concern written all over his face. "If I hadn't backed down first, I feel like you would have taken me out."
"What? No! Never! I could– No!" She jumps, shocked. How could he think something like this? "Listen, I trusted you, and I knew you'd come around. That's all that matters. Main thing is we stopped the coup and Cerberus is off the Citadel."
"But sometimes the way a thing goes down does matter, Shepard." He grimaces. "Later, when you have to live with yourself, knowing that you acted with integrity… then it matters."
"You're talking about Udina." She was right after all – killing the Councilor did upset him.
Seeing that he doesn't reply, the woman carries on. "You think he would have come in quietly? Kaidan, he gave you no choice. You had to take the shot."
She approaches him, shyly raising a hand towards him. She wants to caress his cheek, to hug him tightly, to dig her fingers in his salt and pepper hair, to whisper in his ear encouraging words. Yet, she stops, scared by the idea of him dodging her touch. She can't go through another rejection, it hurts way too much. "You acted with integrity. I saw the whole thing," she finally affirms.
Alenko stays still, his brown eyes never leaving hers. After a while his expression softens, and the corner of his lips curve into a shy smile. "All right. Thanks."
Relief and gratitude wash over the red-headed lady at the realization that her words have been able to comfort him. There is no more mistrust and suspicion between them. Perhaps this could mean that they can be friends again?
"Listen, Shepard," he says scratching his nape, an habit of him that suggests he's embarrassed, as she came to know a long time ago. "There's another reason I'm here."
"Oh?" Immediately, a new wave of anxiety makes her stomach twist, alarmed.
"Hackett offered me a position, but I'd turn it down in a second if there was a chance to join you on the Normandy again."
Wh– what? The air gets caught in the Commander's throat.
Having Kaidan… aboard the Normandy? Fighting at her side? Meeting her every day?
A strangled groan comes out of her lips, the astonishment for his unexpected request is turning her upside down. Her knees almost buckle, and she can barely contain her shivers.
What should she do now?
She had fantasized about this moment thousands times; still, no matter how much she wanted him back, she she had come to the conclusion that it wouldn't be a good idea for either of them.
Working with Admiral Hackett would be a great opportunity for his career, he deserves it. She can't think about other marine she admire and respect most.
Although, as Liara said on Mars, watching him in action, the Major has become a very capable soldier, and his biotics are stronger than ever. Having him in the battlefield would be a great improvement for her squad. And, as a Spectre, he is way more calm and diplomatic than her, when there's the need to speak with politicians.
But, would she be able to endure having him at her side, without having him at all?
"Alenko is definitely not over you, as much as you're not over him."
Shepard swallows hard while their gazes are locked on each other.
No, all these reasonable explanations don't come to her mind in that moment. Only Kevin's words are there.
"Couldn't imagine meeting the Reapers without you," she answers to him without a second thought.
Kaidan's face lights up with a relieved smile. "Thank you, Commander." He holds out his hand to her, and she hisses out a breath through clenched teeth to restrain herself from losing control when they touch. She wasn't prepared to this – actually she wasn't prepared to any of all the things that happened last day. She is just shamefully grateful that she has another chance to stay with the love of her life, whatever this could mean for the two of them.
They are both soldiers and officers, they must be professional. She must be professional, and she will be. Yes, she'll make it work.
"And Shepard… I need you to know that I'll never doubt you again. I've got your back."
"Good to know. Welcome aboard, Major."
"Aye, aye, ma'am." He says, bending down to grab a bag resting at his feet on the floor, that the Commander hasn't noticed before.
"Have you already prepared–" She doesn't have the time to finish her question that a subtle shade of pink colors Kaidan's beautiful olive skin.
"Yeah… Wait– No, I was leaving the hospital when Cerberus attacked, so…"
"I see. For a moment I thought you were so self-confident about me accepting your request that you already had your stuff packed." She chuckles.
"Well, I hoped so." The embarrassment is completely gone from Alenko's face, replaced now by an intense and knowing look that bores through her, making her gulp.
Get a hold of yourself, Commander. The voice of reason scolds her.
The Major turns his back, stepping towards the entrance of the ship, and Shepard follows him. Without knowing it, her gaze is attracted by the man's rear that is wiggling in front of her. The same perfect butt that has been her obsession since their time aboard the Normandy SR-1.
Damn it.
Shepard is definitely screwed.
