AN: I don't own anything!
The weeks after the food incident progressed without incident, mostly. About two weeks after Severus had accepted the job, Lily received a letter from him. She had been expecting some acknowledgement of her previous letter, but this one made no mention of her apology. It said:
Professor Potter,
If you are able to locate my lesson plans and other materials for Defense Against the Dark Arts, and send them to me, I would be most grateful. I left them in reddish brown manila accordion style portfolios. They are labeled as such and were stored in the desk in my study.
Severus Snape
Lily immediately knew what he was referring to of course. They had been next to the potions lesson plans she had been using, but they had remained where they'd been since she had had no use for them, and Honeycolm, the outgoing Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, had arrived with her own ideas. Lily retrieved the portfolios and wrapped them in paper to prepare them for posting. She decided to add a note. It said:
Severus,
Let me know if there is anything else of yours you would like returned. I haven't thrown anything away of value. In fact, your potions lesson plans have proved invaluable to me.
Best,
Lily
After getting a team of owls to transport the packages to Severus, Lily thought again about what having Severus around again would be like. Admit it, you've spent the past six years obsessing about the man. You didn't think he was coming back and you built him up into some…tragic romantic hero. I mean, who could blame me?
Lily remembered when Harry had shown her Snape's memories for the first time. She had been so sad. But that wasn't all. She was still angry that he'd joined the Death Eaters and that he had been the one to report the prophecy to Voldemort. He was confused and surprised at the sudden change in allegiance. Surprised at his reason. And very angry and frustrated. If you cared so much for me Severus, why did you join them in the first place! You knew what they were! You knew what they wanted to do to me! She had wanted to scream at him. Why would you suddenly be willing to sacrifice everything for my sake once I was dead? If you'd only listened all those times I warned you about that crowd. But yet she had also felt guilty. Could I have said something, done something differently to have stopped this? But I tried… if I had given him one more chance, would it have made any difference?. And finally, although she was reluctant to admit it to herself at first, she was overwhelmed; she could think of no greater expression of love than to toil without hope of recognition or survival in remembrance of someone long dead.
And now I am here and he is gone, alone, with these memories, she had thought at the time. And she had done her best to make a life for herself in the strange land of the future, but all the while, her friend was a silent presence. When she'd found herself in his quarters, his pull had increased; in his sitting room and in his study, in his kitchen and in his bedroom, at his desk and in his bed she'd sought to conjure a memory, an impression of the man who'd been so devoted to hers. She'd examined his medicine cabinet. She'd run her hands over his clothing and pressed it to her, attempting to inhale the remnants of his scent. She'd read his books, drunk his liquor, dusted his furniture and inspected his stock of potion ingredients. She'd greedily collected anecdotes from Harry and others who'd known him. And now he's here and he's not what you remembered, but neither is he what you imagined.
Lily was reminded of the fact that Severus Snape was going to teach at Hogwarts again as she sat in Professor Honeycolm's going away party. It was the weekend before exams, and the faculty was gathered in a room that pretty much only was used for retirement parties and the like. The idea, perhaps, was that having a social event in the same location as faculty meetings were held would dampen the festive spirit.
Lily was disappointed when she realized there'd be no alcohol served since Honeycolm was in a family way. She supposed it would be tacky for everyone to stand around with drinks in hand while the guest of honor had pop. Maybe she could convince Neville and Charlotte to duck out to a pub afterwards. She'd been behind with grading but after a marathon session the night before, she was practically caught up and she felt like getting out of the castle, since the last time she'd been anywhere had been the trip to London three weeks ago. Yes, that's a good idea.
Unfortunately, neither of her usual cronies were available afterwards. Neville was off to see Luna and Charlotte had promised to help Flitwick and Minerva with war repairs. Not ready to admit defeat, Lily sent a Patronus to Harry:
Hog's Head at 9? – Lily
To which she received the reply: Sure thing. See you then. – Harry
Harry was already seated at a small table when she entered. He smiled and waved as she approached. They ordered butterbeers and exchanged the usual pleasantries. Leaning forward in his chair, Harry broached the subject of the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. "So, how do you feel about the fact that Snape's coming back to Hogwarts?"
"Fine. In fact, I told him to take the job."
"Oh," said a surprised Harry.
"With everything that's been happening, I agreed with McGonagall that we needed to be mindful of safety when hiring new professors."
"When did you see him?" asked Harry.
"Briefly, during the night of food poisoning. I told him I wouldn't be around much longer and that McGonagall was right to want him there," answered Lily.
"I see. Well, then – do you think it will be strange being around him, after so much time and everything else?" Harry asked.
"Yes, I imagine it will. Especially since no one else knows, and… when I spoke to him, that night, he was very aloof and abrupt actually."
"Hmm. Well that sounds like Snape alright, although I would have thought he'd be different around you."
"Yes. I mean, I guess he was always guarded, even with me, even when we children, but, I there was a time when he let me know much more about him than anyone else. Of course, after our split, it wasn't like that anymore. I guess I should hardly expect we could resume the way things were when we were… best friends."
"Do you want to?" interjected Harry.
"I… don't know. This new… Severus Snape, I'm a tad… scared I guess."
"Hmmm."
"It's silly of me I know, but… there's something very different about him."
"Huh, well, you'd hardly be the first person who finds him to be intimidating."
"I know. It's just, the change in him is unnerving."
"What was he like? Back then, with you?"
"Funny. Moody. Whip smart. Intense. Awkward, but what teenage boys aren't? Had a bit of a temper, but he could be kind too. Perceptive. Curious. I guess part of the reason I liked him was knowing he was a nut that no one else could crack open, that he'd relax a bit around me, but that started to fade as we got older."
Harry listened, and after a few seconds of silence, said, "Well, people change as they get older, and he's not the same person he was at 13, but he's not the same person he was at 18 either… After what he went through, and what he had to do… it's no surprise he's so tightly wound. That last year, he had to keep going completely alone. Everyone thought he'd murdered Dumbledore and one false step with Voldemort could have ruined everything. He's had years of practice hiding what he is thinking and feeling and he had to be… decisive… to stay on."
Lily nodded and leaned back in her chair, "You're right. Thanks Harry, I didn't realize how much I needed to talk to someone about this. I don't want to tell Neville or Charlotte."
"Happy to be of service, mum."
Lily hugged her son, giving him a peck on the cheek before he apparated away and she turned to travel up the path to Hogwarts as snow began to fall.
Poor Lily. You'd be shocked too if your childhood best friend grew up to be Alan Rickman while you were "away!"
