I've been away for far too long. Sorry about that.
Things You Can't Have
"What is it that you miss the most these days, Marieka?"
Her eyes drifted upwards from the small fire she was stoking. The dancing flames had captured her attention so deeply that she'd barely even realized Kharjo had asked her a question.
"I'm…sorry, what?" she murmured without looking in his direction.
"You said earlier that you've begun to miss a lot of things since being on the road," he replied. "I wonder what these things are that you speak of."
"Oh."
Her hesitation suggested clearly that there were a great number of things she missed – or perhaps that she was unsure of what she missed the most. Either way, the Khajiit waited patiently for an answer to his question.
"I really have so much, Kharjo," she said quietly. "I shouldn't complain about what I don't have."
"Yes, but for all the weapons and armour and your homes and friends," he quickly interjected, "there are certainly things that you miss."
She nodded. "I miss the things that I can't have."
"What do you mean? Like a sweetroll?" he asked.
Marieka looked up at him with a smile. "No…not a sweetroll. Besides, I can find a good sweetroll in any of the cities I travel to now." She began to shake her head. "No…the things I can't have aren't actually 'things' at all."
He looked at her, puzzled by her response, but allowed her to continue.
"I miss peace and quiet. I miss waking up without a care in the world. I miss the days when the tasks that were laid out before me weren't world changing."
"Ah."
As their eyes met, she wasn't certain if he fully understood. Few probably would be able to fully comprehend what it was like to have one's every decision loaded with prospective impact. Her assessments…her judgments – every last choice she could make had potential to affect everyone around her; the whole province of Skyrim in certain cases. Some days she thought it would just be easier to walk away from her task – to leave Skyrim to the dragons and never look back.
Her hand meandered to rest on her stomach.
"I miss those things…and I miss more than that as well," she said. "I sometimes think that I miss my old life. The life where things were easier. Where there wasn't so much pressure on me to make the right decision all the time."
Kharjo offered a half-smile to her for comfort.
"But then," she continued, "I think of all of the things that I've gained. I think of all of the things that I never would have now if I didn't miss the other things. Regret certainly isn't something that I keep near to my heart if I can help it."
The Khajiit rose to his feet and took the stick she had been prodding the fire with from her hand.
"Perhaps I can offer you something else that I know you often miss," he suggested.
It was Marieka's turn to be confused.
He smiled warmly at her. "The chance for a good full night's rest on the road. Get your rest – I will keep watch for the night."
She closed her eyes and her lips turned up into a smile as she nodded. "The day we choose our own paths, Kharjo…you will be added to the top of the list of whom and what I miss." She turned away from him and stretched out on the ground with her back to the warmth of the fire. As she quickly fell into slumber, she could hear the Khajiit whisper a response.
"Let us hope that day does not come, my friend."
