Title: Shadows of the Past, Memories for the Future
Authoresses: foxfire flamequeen and phoenixfire thundertiger
Rating: T/pg13
Categories: Angst/Action/Adventure/Fantasy/Romance
Summary: See first chapter
Disclaimer: See first chapter
Warning: Spoilers for both seasons will be present.
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We are so incredibly sorry for the very late update. There is absolutely no excuse. Anyone who is still reading this: THANK YOU for sticking to it.
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Chapter 8: Façade, a Mere Illusion
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Without a thought
…………Without a voice
Without a soul
Without the mask……
Where will you hide?
His eyelids fluttered open to reveal gold orbs, dim from the aftereffect of sleep and distinct confusion. He was half-sitting in a position which leaned him into a comfortable envelope of warmth.
Head still foggy, Ray tried to think of why he was positioned like that, and more importantly at the moment, why his head felt heavy, and suddenly the events of the previous day returned in a fierce rush of thoughts and emotions.
The desert, the storm, the cave, the worry the cold. Kai attacking him, Kai holding him…
With the beginning of a smile playing over his features, Ray played the last memory over in his mind. He was leaning completely against Kai, the phoenix having drawn him even nearer in his sleep. The arms around him were slack, and the bluenette's breathing slow and even, proving him to be still lost in the remote land of slumber. Ray's head was on the bluenette's shoulder, and Kai's own head on top of the neko-jin's.
Ray remained in the easy comfort for a while longer, thinking of nothing, just watching the entrance of the cave, where the shadows disappeared bit by bit, trying to hold on to that moment, subconsciously forming a permanent place for it in his memory. Outside it was just growing light, the night's dark and cold lingering yet. The fire had long gone out, however he didn't feel cold; Kai was making sure of that. But the time for the sun to wake finally arrived as the last traces of sleep left the teen, realization hitting him harder than a ton of bricks.
Hastily, but with the utmost caution, Ray pushed his head up so the one atop fell back against the wall. He knew from experience Kai was an incredibly light sleeper, yet today he didn't wake even as the tiger, disentangling himself from the limp limbs, gently moved Kai away from him. He scrambled noiselessly away from the slumbering phoenix, staring at him with wide eyes before deciding to go outside. He needed to think.
He left with a glance and a small smile at the remaining occupants. Tyson, Max and Kenny were no longer huddled together, but sprawled all over the cave, each at least four feet from their original sleeping place. Tyson's posture, open mouth and low snoring, arms and legs flailed in all direction, suggested he had (literally) thrown his friends away from him. Kenny was now curled up in a small pile in a corner, while Max was on the other side, hugging himself, snoozing.
He walked a small distance from the cave and sat down on the sand, drawing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them, chin resting on top. The warmth from Kai's body lingered on his own, a million questions plaguing his mind.
First, Kai attacked him. Though unintentional, it happened nonetheless. Then in a sudden action of humanity (as Tyson would put it), he offered the other warmth when he was freezing. Was it just because he would have collapsed sometime otherwise, or did what happened to him really matter to Kai?
Kai had made it clear he did not want Ray to touch him in any way again, and despite his conscience telling him otherwise, Ray had chosen to obey. But Kai himself had made Ray sit with him, and the phoenix was the one who drew Ray close so he didn't suffer from the cold. That made the tiger's decision seem pointless, for it proved that Kai didn't not like human contact, maybe he just was not used to it.
With a start, Ray recognized the place where he sat. Coincidence? It was the same location as the day before. This was where Kai had lost control and this was where Ray had seen those crimson orbs depict the flames which seared through his heart in an everlasting memory.
Had that moment not occurred, would the other have followed?
No, they wouldn't have. It was at that point that a change had taken place in the relationship between captain and teammate. It had taken a turn, arching towards . . .
Friendship?
In a flash, an image flew through his mind. Scarlet steel looking down at him, a confusing mix of emotions reflected in the ruby orbs.
The tiger took delight in the knowledge he had penetrated another of Kai's barriers. Not much, as could be said.
But it was a start after a beginning.
The sand dunes around him did not obscure the view of the sun rising slowly far, far away, spreading gentle rays of light over the curve of the horizon which it would burn with intense heat not long after. He looked at the way the gold and red from the sun merged with the persistent dark of the night, just like a few days ago, only this time the light would win, and take over dark's regime, until the cycle repeated itself in all drama.
"What are you doing?" the voice announced the arrival of Kai 1. Obviously he had awakened not long after the other left, for his voice held no traces of sleep. Ray shrugged, eyes fixed on the horizon.
"Look," he tilted his head to the side, realigning his vision. "It's beautiful, ne?"
"You're watching sunrise in a desert." Kai came to stand next to him, twin rubies following the citrine gems to the arc in the distance.
"It's still beautiful," Ray said defiantly.
Kai lowered his eyes to the blader beside him and smirked. Ray didn't have to turn to know.
"What?"
"You're a hopeless…" Kai trailed off, a hint of amusement in his voice.
"Hopeless what?" Ray persisted, feigning hurt.
"You're a hopeless romantic," Kai finished dramatically.
Ray giggled at the mock disapproval in Kai's tone, until another conversation returned to him.
"I'm saying without hope there is no meaning in life. How can you enjoy life without any hopes or dreams? You must have at least one yourself."
"No. I don't."
"Kai?" the name was spoken softly, as though afraid for the other to hear.
"Hn."
"……Nothing," Ray sighed. "Forget it."
Kai's eyes turned to the tiger. Ray's own gold orbs were focused on the horizon, yet the raven-haired teen seemed to see beyond the slope, to a world unseen, where entrance was forbidden to all other beings. His eyes reflected everything he thought, the golden glimmer speaking words his voice would not. Kai wondered if Ray would someday show him a passage into that world, lead him to the gate.
"Kai," Ray said again. "Where are we?"
Kai did not like how the tiger's voice grew distant. How, when the gold pools rose to meet his eyes, they demanded an answer. How, when Ray said those words, Kai knew saying 'The Sahara', would not suffice.
"I don't know." His first ever admission to not knowing anything.
Ray nodded, motioning for Kai to sit beside him. When the bluenette complied, silent, shocked, though his face showed nothing, the other smiled, eyes not leaving the crimson depths. Kai could practically feel Ray piercing through his very soul. "This isn't the cave the Tuaregs spoke of, is it?"
Kai frowned, but nodded slowly. How?
"Thanks for confirming that," Ray seemed to have found what he was searching for, the gold orbs turned away, softened. "Why didn't you tell us?"
Kai didn't say anything for a while. When he spoke, the tone was indifferent, "You all would have panicked."
"Hmm. Yeah, you're right, we would have." Kai was surprised at the blunt acceptance. "So what now?"
"We wait," Kai said curtly.
"Wait for them to find us?"
"Yes."
Ray was not fazed by Kai going from approachably friendly, to withdrawn and terse, all of a sudden. It was what always happened. Kai would start to open up almost unconsciously, and then, as though realizing what he was doing, he would stop, reverting to the cold bastard everyone knew. The tiger accepted it would take time, and he was patient. It would happen again. Already it was happening more often than before.
Kai sighed, lifting a hand to run it through his hair. His fingers of course got tangled; the sand still firmly lodged in the blue tresses. Hell! His own fingers had gotten stuck. With an annoyed violent tug he freed his hand, followed by, "Dammit!"
A soft noise sounded next to him, and Kai, still rubbing his head, glared around to find Ray laughing, a quiet, melodious ringing flowing out so naturally. Kai discovered this was new: he had never actually heard the tiger laugh like this before. Despite the ever-present smile, real or fake, in everything Ray did, he rarely laughed, and even when he did, it was stifled. Open laughter was as foreign to Ray as smiles were to Kai, and now, Kai found it strangely enchanting.
"What?" he growled indignantly. Much as he liked the sound, he did not like being laughed at. Ray coughed a few times to get himself under control and looked at Kai, even then unable to stop the twitching at the corners of his lips.
"Oh just that," he said merrily. Picking up the white tail lying on the ground, he flicked at it so the dust coating the black ends was shaken off. "You'd think having shorter hair would give you less trouble."
Kai ignored him and proceeded to dust his own hair free of sand. Ray watched for a few seconds, amusement evident in his eyes, before bursting into laughter again. Snickering, he drew Kai's attention by waving his hand in the bluenette's face.
"Need help?"
"N –" Kai stopped.
"I don't need your help."
"Did I ask if you needed it or not?"
This time Ray was asking, yet Kai found himself unable to refuse. But it went against everything he had ever learned to actually voice his acceptance.
Beside him Ray acknowledged his silence, yet he timidly reached up, not certain of what he was doing. The memory of cool steel against the skin of his neck was all too clear, and the knowledge that Kai still had the knife with him did not help. But something inside him forced the movement, for somewhere at the back of his mind he was sure, it was now or never.
Kai said he hated being touched? No. He had forbidden Ray to touch him, for Ray's safety, letting it be known that he was dangerous.
What if Ray didn't care?
Kai froze at the unfamiliar touch, slowly running through his hair, disentangling the dirt, which showered down, grains of sand, a yellow rain.
"What are you doing?"
"Helping."
Not another word was said until Ray had dusted off as much of the fine particles as he could. True, Kai's head felt much lighter, but the funny feeling in the pit of his stomach was not comfortable. Finally Ray settled back down, a mysterious light glowing in the gold orbs. Kai let his own fingers flow through the slate bangs, hesitating, the unknown feel sticking in his head.
"Feels much better, doesn't it?" Ray inquired with a smile. Kai didn't reply, for once not because he didn't want to, but because he didn't know what to say. "You know, I did ask."
"I didn't answer."
"Silence is taken to be a yes. Should I alter it? For you it seems to be the opposite."
"…………………"
"I'm sorry if you minded."
"It's fine," Kai did not miss the way the other's eyes lit up at that.
"Your hair is very soft."
Kai blinked at the change of subject, choosing to settle for a grunt. To most it would appear a compliment, which it was, but Kai knew Ray was also teasing him, in a way almost impossible to discern unless one knew the tiger very well. He tried to glare, but instead his lips curved slightly upwards in a small smile, effectively stopping Ray's heart.
What – how – did Kai –
Did Kai Hiwatari, captain of the Bladebreakers, King of Frost, Ice Prince, just smile at him??
Gold and crimson orbs tore away from each other at the same time. Ray took deep shaky breaths, trying to calm his now-racing heart. Kai meanwhile mentally cursed himself for allowing that to happen, even as he admitted to himself it wasn't too bad.
Then Ray started to giggle again, quickly moving on to another of his musical laughs. Kai glanced his way and couldn't help but smirk.
"Let's go," Ray said abruptly. "The others should be getting up now."
"Everyone except Tyson you mean." Ray chuckled at the sigh Kai emitted. Tyson sleeping meant either Kai or Ray was needed to wake him, usually Kai, unless Ray had usable devices. Since he had none this time, it would be Kai. The tension – was it ever really there? – dispersed as the two started to make their way back to the cave. The sun was already pretty high, and no signs that it had been freezing the night before were left. The heat was returning quickly.
Unlike the usual, they walked side by side, not one in front and one lagging behind. Ray paused at the side of the cave and looked back. It was then that Kai became aware of the question that had gone unasked, the question which needed to be answered.
Ray turned back to the phoenix, willing to make another attempt at conversation. "Hey –"
Before he could blink Kai had slammed him against the outer wall of the cave, pressing their bodies together, granting him no route of escape as the question he had been evading all this time was thrown at him with a fierce force.
"How did you know?" each word was slowly, deliberately drawn out, carefully punctuated for emphasis. The question seemed meaningless, but Ray understood immediately. How could you tell this cave is not the right one?
"I – I didn't, I don't know," he stammered, unable to think properly, staring into the scarlet orbs which burned even more intense than the day before, as the tiger's fighter instincts kicked in, tensing every muscle in his body, feline features becoming more pronounced with the flash of gold eyes and slitting of pupils. All of it was absolutely unintentional, Ray didn't even know what he had done, but Kai felt him tensing, and the gold orbs were clearly visible. Ray only knew what was wrong when the flaming orbs cooled, cooled to a frost which froze him completely.
"I see." Ray's breath caught in his throat as the loss of warmth notified him Kai had moved away, and the small statement sank in like an icy sword. The unspoken words rang in his mind, the words he had not heard from Kai's lips, but had seen in the phoenix's eyes.
"You don't trust me."
That was what Kai had left unsaid, but not unknown. Ray's eyes widened with the realization and he pivoted on his heels, but it was too late, for Kai was already walking and he entered the cave without a single glance back.
Utterly crushed. That was what Ray first felt when his numb mind started to function again. That was all that he felt. He had crumbled Kai's trust in him and contradicted his own faith in himself. What he had told Hiro swept back, accompanied by the defensiveness which now seemed foolish.
"I don't think he's dangerous."
Not even Driger's comforting presence within the air could ease the absolute guilt welling up inside him, or the ache in his heart that came from rejection and the acknowledgement of failure.
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When Ray returned the other 'Breakers were up and Tyson's complaining did not make him feel better. Every word Tyson used to refer to Kai were the usual 'Sourpuss', 'jerk' and an occasional 'bastard', (Kai had dragged him up by his foot, at least an inch from the ground, and let him fall) but each stung the tiger painfully.
No one except the phoenix noticed the way Ray didn't meet anyone's eyes when he talked, if he talked at all.
"I'm hungry!" Tyson yelled for the tenth time since he woke up (it had been fifteen minutes), and Max groaned.
"Tyson, we told you. There's no food left."
"Well I'm thirsty too."
"You drank all your water," Ray reminded him even as he pulled out his water-bottle and threw it to the dragon. "It's all that's left, don't drain –" his warning was cut short as the blunette gulped down to the last drop. He looked guiltily at Ray.
"Um… sorry?"
Ray stared in bemusement for a few seconds, before shrugging it off. Max frowned, "What's up, Ray? You seem out of it."
"It's nothing, Max. Don't worry."
Max did not look convinced, and the look he sent towards the stoic phoenix was suspicious. He obviously remembered the tension from the day before, and now this scene was very familiar.
"When are they gonna come for us?" Kenny whined from the mouth of the cave, preventing the blond from investigating further, and the younger three quickly became submerged in the topic.
Ray looked from them to their captain, standing in the most distant corner, back to the wall, arms crossed in the usual stance. Deciding to swallow whatever he felt, the tiger walked to the phoenix.
"Hey, Kai –" he started. Still the crimson orbs remained closed. Disappointment and regret welling inside him, he continued. "I think they should know." Now Kai's eyes opened, sparing him an indifferent glance. "I mean… " The hesitating was not helping to improve their current situation. "You were right about us panicking if we found out, but I already did, and they deserve to be told."
"…………………Do what you want."
Ray pressed his lips together and turned away. Kai would not be approached, and that was fine with him: he was not in the mood to deal with an insufferable jerk right now.
Kai closed his eyes as the other turned from him, suddenly not caring. It was for him normal, and it had always happened. It was over before it had time to begin, which was all the better, for he had not liked how he gave in to natural – feelings – since the day Ray had asked him a simple question on his life.
Which, he realized even as he thought it, was a lie to himself.
He had liked the company for once, trained as he was it was still impossible to deny the loneliness he had always felt.
What was the strange feel within him? Unfamiliar, yet recognizable, as though he had always known it, without being aware?
Was this the hope Ray spoke of? Hope… for what?
"You're saying WHAT??!!" Max shrieked.
"How would you know?" Tyson demanded.
Ray glanced at the lone phoenix, "Kai confirmed it." Kai didn't react, though he noticed Ray had purposely brushed aside the real question.
"And why weren't we told before?"
Ray sighed. How to answer that?
"He just found out." Ray jumped at the voice and winced. Great, just great. Give him more reasons to believe I don't trust him. He registered surprise at Kai coming to his defense – his mind blocked the 'yet again' – but that was all.
"And you?" Tyson was being unusually perceptive, and neither of the older 'Breakers liked it. This time, Ray knew the other would not answer. It was his turn to defend his captain.
"Kai didn't want us to panic," Ray's brows furrowed. "Which is exactly what you are doing." He added to Max and Kenny, who halted their attempt to burn a hole in the ground by running around in circles.
That rendered Tyson speechless. After a few tries, Max intercepted, addressing the stoic bluenette. "Are you saying you didn't tell us –"
"– Not because you couldn't be bothered –" Tyson put in.
"– But because you didn't want to worry us?"
Kai scowled, "Hn. You should be more worried about when we'll get rescued."
"Holy heavens!" Tyson sputtered. "You're right Max!"
"Kai's right too," Ray pointed out, understanding Kai didn't want to go into that. He was feeling sour enough, Kai couldn't be feeling any better, despite his façade. "We're out of food and water," he sent an accusing glare in Tyson's direction. "If we're not found soon we'll starve to death."
"Why not 'die of thirst'?" Kenny wondered. Ray looked at him; he had forgotten the young genius's presence 2, he had been so quiet.
"Because the cactuses will provide some water for a while, but just a little," he explained.
"Oh."
Everything went very quiet all of a sudden, as the younger Bladebreakers digested the information.
"What are our chances of being found?" Max asked somewhat dazedly.
"Not too slim," Kai answered. "We shouldn't be more than a few miles off course."
"And why aren't we trying to get there ourselves if we're so close?" Kenny followed with his own question.
"We know a few miles off course," Ray replied. "Only we don't know a few miles off course in which direction."
"Meaning the actual cave could be anywhere," Kai finished, disappearing through the exit, ends of his long scarf trailing behind. Everyone stared after him.
"Whoa," was all Tyson managed to mutter.
"Hey guys," Max brought their attention to him. "Did you notice how Kai's been taking care of us all this time?"
"Even though he's been pretending it's all part of his job?" Ray questioned, a smile tugging at his lips, though the subject made him feel all the more guilty.
"Yeah," Kenny said quietly. "I noticed."
"Not just now," Ray informed. "Back when, Tyson and Max, you were so messed up over your families, remember how he trained you? That was just so you could face your problems and sort them out. He did make out it was just because otherwise we'd have lost the tournament, but that's always his excuse." He frowned, "I really don't see the point. He doesn't want any credit, but still…"
Max nodded, "At first I really believed him. But after seeing him here kinda thrust the truth in my face, you know?"
"First, Kai did that just for us," Tyson counted off his fingers. "He gave us advice without which we couldn't have won the American tournament, but I suppose that really was his sense of duty. Then he went looking for us even though it wasn't necessary, with the risk of himself getting lost, found me, brought me here, and went off again to look for you guys…"
Max continued when the dragon trailed off, "He carried me though I could've walked only if he led me. He really was worried, but he didn't show it. He would have gone to look for you two if you hadn't made it there already; it was easy to tell."
"Kai was the one who made that fire for us, while trying to make out he was doing it 'cause he would need it too," Kenny picked up.
Ray shifted, feeling inclined to tell the others of his encounter with the phoenix outside, but something stopped him, and instead he said, "He shared his jacket with me when I was cold, too."
He was met with three blank yet astonished gazes. He grinned sheepishly, "You were asleep."
"Unbelievable," Tyson gasped. "And I missed it?!" He was met with a glare. "Jeez, Ray, Kai's been rubbing off on ya!"
Kenny was the first to recover. "And then not telling us about this mishap just because we would have panicked," he ended with a wild gesture.
"Kai's done all that for us," Max sounded awed. "Maybe he isn't all those things you call him after all, Ty."
"I beg to differ," Tyson pouted.
"He's right," surprisingly, it was Ray. "Kai wants us to think he's an impossible, arrogant, selfish bastard, and sometimes he really can be a cold-hearted jerk." He paused for a second, "But he's quite warm underneath that façade." I should know, the cheeky thought popped into his mind.
"I wonder why he wears that mask," Kenny said.
"By the way," Max gazed at Ray queerly. "What's been up with the two of you? Since we got here, first you're friendly, and even Kai's almost okay, and then suddenly you could cut the tension between you two with a chainsaw!"
Ray looked away. "Don't worry about it," he insisted. "It was nothing."
"You think we didn't notice?" Tyson asked. "Today, yesterday night, what the hell is wrong?! I mean, you're the only one in this team relatively close to Mr. Sourpuss. You're the only one he doesn't always yell at!"
Ray winced. It was worse when put like that. All the more reason for him to feel bad. He really was the only one in the team who had gotten remotely near to Kai, and he'd shattered that completely. "Yeah, well," he muttered. "I think that's going to change."
Another blank silence drew as the other ''Breakers tried to process this.
"Ray," Max started gently. "Did you do anything to tick him off?"
It was instinct! The tiger defended himself silently. For heaven's sake, I wasn't thinking! For the first time I do something without thinking about it, and that one time lands me in this mess. Tyson never thinks, and so far he's better off!
What came out was, "I said it was nothing!" Ouch. That's the second time.
His uncharacteristic outburst silenced the others for some time, but then, bit by bit, they started talking about random things, a conversation which Ray joined gratefully. Anything to keep his mind off the guilt and their captain.
They quieted down around an hour later when Kai stalked in, wordlessly talking his place in the corner, just when Tyson decided to declare, "I'm hungry."
A simultaneous groan rose from the occupants of the cave (minus Kai). Max smacked Tyson on the head as Kenny proceeded to explain the how and why of there being no food left. Tyson was not pleased, and within a few more minutes everyone could hear the low rumbling like thunder which actually was Tyson's stomach. It did not help the other 'Breakers, since they were hungry too.
Tyson rubbed his stomach, and suddenly a handful of small, soft, round objects were held up to him.
"FOOD!" Tyson grabbed for the dates, a common food in the barren parts, and began stuffing them into his mouth. With a grunt, the same hand dropped a wrapped chocolate bar in front of the dragon.
One by one, the other 'Breakers also received the same offer, and each accepted gratefully. When he was done handing out the food Kai went back to his place and sat down like he'd never moved. Stunned into silence – which was happening very often nowadays – the others quietly ate, not wanting to aggravate their leader.
Ray nibbled at his ration with a thoughtful frown. "But we divided all of the remaining food yesterday night." He glanced at the seeds they had gathered at one side. "So how… his eyes widened and an accusing look was sent to Kai. "You didn't eat anything yesterday! This is your share!"
Kai shrugged, "Wasn't hungry."
"You expect us to believe that?" Max said indignantly. "C'mon Kai, we know you've been looking out for us all this time… in your own way."
"Well you can continue staying under that delusion," Kai shot back. He fumbled in his backpack, pulled out and threw his flask at the turtle, who caught it easily. The sound of water swishing inside could be heard in the quiet. It was, oddly enough, a glaring contest between the blond and bluenette.
"Um… guys," Ray intercepted warily. "Do you hear that?" As soon as he said that the silence stretched. Everyone sent him funny looks, indicating no, but Ray could hear it, clear though low, a slight hissing sound. Or a form of rattling, like a baby toy. He had the annoying feeling that he should know what it was, though he had never heard it before.
The gold pools locked onto Kai, and for a fleeting second the ruby orbs darkened with knowledge. Just then, the sound became much, much more pronounced. Kai and Ray rose in unison, advancing to the source of the noise, only Tyson was closer, and the dragon yanked his backpack away.
Ray barely caught a blur of slate and black and blue rush past him, and the next moment a soft yet strangled cry tore through the cave as Kenny shrieked.
Kai grabbed a large rock from the side and dropped it on the menacing rattlesnake, crushing it instantly. But the damage had been done; a trickle of blood rolled through twin miniature punctures in the black glove on the index finger of his right hand, where the snake had struck.
TBC…
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Cliffhanger. Always loved putting in those. Don't kill us, the next chapter will be up in two weeks.
1 That was just irresistible. The Arrival of Kai. Doesn't that sound just… right and… Kai-ish?
2 We (f3 looks guilty) forget about Kenny from time to time (so we had to say Ray forgot too, just to make us feel better). He's not supposed to play a major part; his part comes at the near end, so we kinda tend (unintentionally) to forget his existence altogether.
We swear the next chapter will be here by the 8th of May at the latest.
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