"Okay, Naruto. That's enough."
"Aaa, 'Kashi-kun! That tickles!"
"So I have found that you're not just full of stamina, but also very resilient to boot."
"Ah, ah, ah, Anko-chan! Everything's fair game in Ninja's life!"
"Unfortunately, your finesse is severely lacking, to say the least. While I'd agree with Jiraiya-sama that your training should be focused more on raw power than finesse due to your sheer potential on it, we need to make your finesse passable before you can move on to better technique, or else they can be hindered by the mere basics."
"Ah, welcome to the good life, Yamato. Now, when should I retire from ANBU or even Shinobi life so I can enjoy this more? Or, should I become a half-retired ninja instead so I can still do my duty to the village?"
"So for your first training, I'd suggest that you need to be put in finesse trainings like water-walking, basic ninjutsu with seals that disrupt your chakra flows and forced you to fight with normal chakra, and-"
"Hohoho! This is almost a carbon-copy of Icha-Icha in Paradise, baby!"
"CAN'T MY FELLOW TEACHERS AND THE ONE WHO MADE THIS PROGRAM TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY?!"
Indeed. While the covert pervert was doing his best in reviewing my cute little genins, all the others did was enjoying Yamato's super mega waterpark that I got from the traveling book. Anko in particular was trying her bathing suit.
But really, can't you blame us for exploited this super awesome exploit of Wood Release' ability? He literally could created an amusement park in thirty minutes!
-naruto-
After getting us ready for actual training, we discussed who's going to train who first. Ebisu had to excuse himself thanks to Konohamaru skipped class, and Yamato still had duties on ANBU, so the deal was done with the rest of us three.
I got Sasuke since he hadn't got any proper sharingan training.
Jiraiya got Naruto since he wanted to spend time with Naruto, and wanted to see if Ebisu's theory of seals for chakra training really have basic on it. Theoretically it should; unlike the canon Naruto, this one's struggled with water walk training. Ebisu's theory made sense since canon Naruto learned water walking so quickly after days of being disrupted by Orochimaru's seals.
Anko got Sakura because the girl hadn't seen any real solo Kunoichi Jounin except for Kurenai, and never taught by one before. That, and Ebisu himself still not sure enough if she's better as genjutsu user or super medic instead. Of course, she also had to train her in toughness, something that she hadn't had a taste from me. I reasoned it with Sakura needed to have a Kunoichi drilled it instead of a male ninja, so she won't be apprehensive.
"So for your sharingan, you can copy everything but physique of your opponents, which means that your elemental jutsu, speed and strength would be always inferior to your opponents in case you copy them. Its value in those cases, is to memorize your opponents' movements and seeking their weakness instead. Which is why in case you want to become an all-around ninja by your sharingan, you'd better be focused in getting yourself to become durable and evasive rather than powerful, so you can outlast your opponents and exploit their fighting style." I explained the first of the two most common style of sharingan users.
"I got it."
"The second way, is to become a genjutsu master. Genjutsu from sharingan's easily unbeatable, for the bombastic variants where the goal's to inflict mental pain at least."
"Hn."
"Which one will be your job choice, young Uchiha?"
"Which one's Itachi?" Sasuke asked back, not interested in my little jive.
I sighed. Of course he would asked that. He had that obsession to avenge his clan and family. "The genjutsu variant. Itachi's physical attributes are actually not that good, despite being a great fighter on his own good."
"I see."
"This is my advice for you to fight Itachi." He looked at me with great deal of interests. "You have to be patient, and wait until you're strong enough before you can honor your family. This is the man who able to massacred the whole clan in one night, and no one know how he did that. You can't expect yourself to be able to fight him any sooner, especially when you still can't defeat Haku."
"If we're talking about honor, then I should fight him before I became 14 years old, because that was when he did it. That man, also have to be beaten in his own game." Damn it. Listen to me, you duck butt!
"And unless you've become stronger than me, I will stop you from honoring that fact." Sasuke's eyes glared at me, demanded why, and what for. "Your family will be glad that you honored them in any way. People already talked about how good you are. If you keep going on the path you're currently, Sasuke, finishing Itachi would be the final nails to the coffin of the shame of your family, not the only way to rebuild its prestige. Remember, you're also a ninja. You will always be allowed to fight dirty. They will understand why you need to be pragmatic."
"Hn." The Uchiha boy simply looked away from me. "He also said something about killing my best friend, to become as strong as he is."
"And would you stoop as low as that? That could be his trick, Sasuke. He might said that to destroy you instead. Comrade's deaths, they could kill you from the inside. Even if you killed him, he might still get the last laugh as you suffering from the consequences of your short-term choices." Man, all these pretending of Itachi being the most insane piece of shit already getting old.
"I know. It's...complicated." Woah. A confession. "What should I do, Kakashi-sensei? What if I succumbed to the desire? What would happened to my closest people, like...you, Sakura and dobe. Should I closed them off when I began to fall to his rhetoric, so I won't hurt them? What if...I really have to sacrifice them?"
"Sasuke," I put my hands on both of his shoulders, "Wouldn't it be the best for you to have someone who can pull you out of the darkness instead?" His eyes widened as I said it to him. "We can help you to fight him, and stop you to fall into the madness. Or at least, snapped you out of it."
Sasuke smiled a little, and just a mini-moment where a shed of tear began to fall from his eyes, he turned around and muttered something about sentimental old man. Meh. I just hugged him and pretended it as punishment for calling me old, ignored his obvious discomfort.
Ah, everything's well with the world.
-with Jiraiya-
"Hey, pervy sage!"
"That's super pervert sage to you, Naruto!"
"Uh, okay." Naruto got even weirded out by the man in front of him. He never knew any human being who took so much pride of being called a pervert, especially after being insulted as one. But he still had to ask that question. "Why did you become my godparent in the first place?"
"That's because your parents have good taste, brat! They named you after Naruto of the Maelstrom, not Naruto of the ramen! Do you know how that means, kid?" Jiraiya said, started his excuse and lies of how he became interested in him. After Kakashi and Sarutobi-sensei reported on how easy Naruto gave in into blubbered about his Uzumaki heritage, he knew that he should invented some stories before they deemed him smart enough to know about his history.
"Eh, no?" Naruto asked, obliviously missed the implication that Jiraiya knew his parents a little too well.
"It means that they read my first book, The Tale of the Utterly Gutsy Shinobi, my cult classic and first book! It was basically my autobiography! Well, from the ninja life part at least. There are books for my love life, much more successful commercially. And of course, not for kids material. If you catch my drift."
"Yuck! Are adults really that perverted?"
"Someday you'll understand, kid. I used to be the same like you before I found the wonder of milk and booties. But anyway! When I heard that there's a kid whose name is Naruto of the Maelstrom, I became interested. And when I knew that kid have that fox in his stomach, I knew that kid's something special!" Said Jiraiya, before he ended his tirade of lies in much more solemn note, knowing that Naruto just became upset at that very moment of him mentioned the fox, especially since he mentioned it like something awesome instead of curse. "Unfortunately my hands are tied after the Kyuubi attacked, so I couldn't do anything even after I heard how bad you got treated. Shit was crazy, kid. Chuunin doing Jounin jobs, several attempts by other villages to get our kekkei genkai, and the fact that I'm the only Sannin who remains loyal and active to the village...This is all I can do until now. I could only hope, and pray that you can make some friends, even if the rest of the village treated you like dirt." Jiraiya could sense that the kid in front of him still had something to say. "Anything else gaki?"
"Okay, I can understand why some people who actually pitied me couldn't do much for years, and how busy everyone is, but I still think that you can do much more than paying my apartment, clothes and groceries!" Naruto spatted.
"Like what?"
"Like...Uh! I don't know! Leaving me in other village or something? You sounds like you're super rich, so you definitely can do it, pervy sage! Do you know how much I wanted a normal life? Not that I don't have one now, but eight years of loneliness and being a pairah sucked!" Naruto almost cried while saying it.
"Gaki, I hate to break it to you, but your treatment's actually fairly average." Naruto couldn't believe his own ears, which made him looked at Jiraiya, obviously flabbergasted and demanded answers. "To put it lightly, your treatment's actually the standard of all village treating someone with a monster sealed in them, no matter how bad it is. Eight tails Jinchuuriki was basically hated by his village as much as you, two tails had to become a monk in a temple for her own protection, single tail's basically insane until the Jinchuuriki somehow managed to fix their life, and that turtle Jinchuuriki became a recluse! You will be treated like dirt everywhere! And when someone attempted to kidnap a Hyuuga, and nearly succeeded at it, it became clear that you won't be safe anywhere else, even if I paid the best money to protect you. My idea of taking you outside of the village when you're six years old for some months, became obsolete at that moment. I can't help but to wait until you become strong enough, and a genin is already scrapped the bottom! "
"...It's that bad, huh?"
"Yeah." Both now trapped inside their own bad memories and guilt. Jiraiya broke it first. "Sorry Naruto, but if only Tsunade-hime had much better standing with Konoha or even me...she might be able to do something for you."
"What could be done by her that can't be done by Jiji and you?"
"Well for one, she's a Senju, so she's a distant relative of yours. She took her boyfriend's niece Shizune with her all the time, so she definitely won't object to stay for you had she's even, for the very least, approachable. But alas, she's not in speaking term with anyone. I even haven't contacted her in the last two years, and definitely haven't speak to her properly since she left."
"It's like everything is perfectly designed to make me lonely for most of my childhood. Great." Naruto mumbled, uncharacteristically calm despite his turmoils. Had he knew that his status probably could've become better if he was simply born as a redhead, the boy maybe already gone ballistic for a moment.
"Ah, but past's a past. From what I've heard, your life become better and better." Jiraiya changed the topic to make the situation less gloomy.
"Of course!" Naruto jumped up in excitement after momentarily being solemn, partly from his genuine relief and partly to keep up his morale. "It all started when I attended academy. Kids around my age started to treat me like a fool instead of plague!"
"Better than nothing, eh?"
And then Jiraiya listened to Naruto on how everything turned out to him, such as how he became a friend with the Shikamaru and Choji, who were the chillest boys on his class, and how cool Kakashi was. When he got to the story of how Kakashi showed him that there were people who wouldn't mind to treat him fairly or even become friends had he approached them secretly, Jiraiya teased him and claimed that his excessive angst was the main reason for his loneliness instead of anything else. Naruto pouted and retorted with claims like how he's supposed to know better when he was just a child, as well as declared clearly that there's no way the most unpredictable ninja in Konoha's an emo. Jiraiya then proceeded to call him an emo, and a stupid one in that, and became involved in a silly chase scene between him and his grandson.
Well, seemed like they'll be more busy of being a family rather than training. Oh well.
-With Sakura-
"Anko-sensei!"
"It's better be good, cherry. Or I'll add more weights for you."
"Okay. It's a good question. I think." Said Sakura, still struggled with her breath as she put some force into her palm. 200 push-ups was okay for her, but the crazy Jounin kunoichi added 80 kg worth of weights on all her body out of all sudden. Kakashi-sensei already said that he'll upped the physical training for Sakura, and probably hired a kunoichi to do it for him to make it less awkward, but this is ridiculous!
"Are you...really doing this every week?" Sakura finally asked.
"Thrice in fact."
"Then how's your...body still looked like supermodel! With all those dangos too! I can...appreciate the muscles, but...the calluses! And the cauliflower- AAAGH!"
"If it's just about your beauty, then you're wasting my time." Anko stated as she put more chakra into the seal weights.
"B-bullshit!" Sakura stated as she managed to did one push-up despite the weight in her palm tripled. "I knew how much that...beauty is important to shinobi, even the males! I still...haven't seen Kakashi-sensei's face, but he...he's popular! And have good body without too much muscle too! Not...to mention...the seduction mission..."
"Ah, you're an observant one. Well the truth is, unless you manage to pick B-rank missions twice a month, you're going to aging fast, like 40 in ten years." Anko confessed.
"WHAT?"
"Yes, brat. You need the skills and money to keep up the appearances, which means that unless you become a chuunin before you became 16, you're going to look old and washed up in no time. Be as skilled as me or ANBU in using chakra for strength, and you probably only need the regular skincare stuffs, and low fat products that's still need to be eaten for three serving in meal time before training!"
"Are you telling me that behind everything you actually looked- OW!"
"If anything I hide my even more bountiful boobs from everyone but 'Kashi-kun, so don't finish that." Said Anko, this time she licked a little pint wound that she made from Haruno kid's cheek. Well Kakashi and the man who now possessed his body could attest to the fact that her beauty's genuine and actually understated, so there was no lies in her answer. The only lie was the experiment that Orochimaru conducted, but otherwise she aged fine.
So while the other members of Team 7 were having a happy and meaningful conversation, Sakura was suffering from a sadistic teacher who liked to stab her students, as well as haunted by the new knowledge that she had to become really good just to make even in appearance and money. Poor girl.
Oh well. At least now she had more motivation to become top Kunoichi.
-naruto-
In the next day
Well today's the break day for everyone, and I decided that it was the time for me to check myself into Kabuto's practice place.
And what a coincidence. I met Sai! Must be in one of Orochi-Danzo spying exchange as well.
"What's your name, kid?"
The boy had that eerie fake smile, before he said, "I don't have one that I can refers to currently, ninja-sama."
"My name's Hatake Kakashi." I said as if his lacks of name's expected and something that's a norm around here. My hand's also offered in front of him.
"Hatake-sama." The boy said in the most awkward way possible. It took him five seconds before he made the same gesture like me, and even then I have to be the one to shake it, all the while he only stared dumbly at my hand. Man, how on earth Danzo came to conclusion that emotion need to be suppressed completely in shinobi force? These people sucked in posing as civilians!
"I can tell that you have emotions problem."
"People who raised me said that emotion's a weakness to my work, so they suppress all of it."
"Well just between you and me, kid, even if you still think it's the best way, you need to know and learn emotion too." I sighed in my chair. "I don't know why your guardians think that emotion's not even something deserved to be learned, but personally, I'd rather learn to have emotion before I mute them rather than suppress it as my first education. Sounds better to know and avoid it rather than being denied of it."
"I already see the benefits of knowing emotion, and currently on the way to learn the most beneficial of it. I want to become polite since I found people always less eager to cooperate with me in my works. And I read that smiling to strangers is the way to make a good impression."
"True, but just learning to smile is still not enough." Not to mention that your smile actually creeped people out. "Have hobbies?"
"I think my painting can substitute as one."
"Then go to library, and read these two books: color and emotions, and dictionary of names. There, you can read how colors impact people. For example, dark blue make people sad. You can then trying to name your painting with names based from the colors of your paintings."
"I...never named my paintings before." Said Sai, for the first time he's hesitating. "Can these make me adept in emotions?"
"Probably. You might never understand it fully, but at least it can teach you in sensing one, including the seemingly unnecessary ones. You might be surprised by how people can be so poetic to the point of making so many words for the slight changes in tone and shades." And then, the psycho glasses dude called my name. "Sorry kid, but it's all I can do. Oh, and try to not making too much ruckus about what I just said." I said as I entered the checkup room for Kabuto.
Sai didn't have anything else to say to me.
-naruto
"It's interesting that a Jounin want to make a medical check-up schedule with a genin who have failed his chuunin exams for six times."
"We have a ninja who's still a genin in his old years despite being almost on my caliber."
"I see." Kabuto said simply. Damn, this boy's pretty good in checking his emotions. Orochimaru's definitely much better in being a leader than Danzo. "But I can assure you that I'm just a normal loser, not a powerful person who's criminally under-ranked."
Suuuure. "Then let's just say that checking up a top class Jounin will make a good practice for you."
"Of course. Of course."
As soon as Kabuto looked into his locker, I checked out his room for anything suspicious.
Chakra and seal locks, at least seven of them, most of them were high-ranks. This man had too many hidden goods for a supposed loser.
"May I know why you use the sharingan, Hatake-san?"
Good thing that I already created a good excuse. "I was just testing how much my chakra get drained by its activation."
"Ah, yes. It's a common knowledge for medical ninja that transplanted kekkei genkai's much more chakra consuming for the non-clans."
"Good. Have something to prevent it? Just asking if your friends or colleague have some theory in it. I'm tired of falling down everytime I have to use it."
"Sir, me and my friends would be promoted since a long time ago if I know the cause of it already."
"Wishful thinking from me." I mumbled. "Let's get it over already."
-naruto-
"See you next time, Hatake-san!" Said Kabuto. I simply waved back. I could feel the evil genius in making chuckled evilly as he had the data of me post-sharingan activation.
Well, I suppose all these data that I copied from one of the seal when I trapped him in a genjutsu could be a fair trade. Good thing that sensei's seal was used in one of the contraption, so I can unlock it real quick. Further theory for boneless limbs, the chakra cannon hand...hmm...not much except body modifications, but these already exposed him as something else. And let's see how much we could find from the handwriting of that scroll.
Good ol' sharinghax. What can I do without you?
-naruto-
It had been two weeks since I conducted the temporary teacher for the day.
Sakura now focused to become someone like Tsunade-senju, mainly because imagining scary genjutsu turned out to not be her forte due to her lacks of...sadism. Her genjutsu, despite her potentials thanks to her control, unfortunately had to be limited to the ones designed to hiding objects or their movements instead of inflicting mental pain, which made them supplemental at best. However, she hadn't gone to train in megaton punch style despite the fact that we have the data by Tsunade for her to learn it. Instead, she was focusing in increasing her body strength first so she won't shattered her bones when she began to use the megaton punch. My little Sakura now gained 5 kgs in two weeks, and all of them were muscles.
Sasuke secretly admitted to me that he liked the addition of meats in Sakura's body. And Naruto drolled for five minutes at the first time Sakura exposed her legs accidentally.
Speaking of Sasuke, he decided to become an all-around fighter. He's currently learning all the non-elemental jutsu that I know, as well as tried to become as fast as he could, so we put some weight seals on his legs. He also wanted to learn how to fight off genjutsu as well, which means that I could learn about it together with him...if only I could find the way to do it.
And Naruto, well...
The moniker of the most unpredictable Konoha Shinobi really fit him well, even more than what we thought. The jutsus that Jiraiya and Ebisu deemed as suitable for him ended up being wildly all over the place in the mastery process. For example, he was so inept in water walking until Jiraiya put a chakra disruption seal on him, which made him capable of walked on it in just one try right after Jiraiya removed the seal. Eager by the surprising potential he showed, Jiraiya thought that he's ready for summoning jutsu, only for the toad sannin himself to gave up after four days of spawned nothing but the same tadpole (he promised they'll revisit it later). And that's not even talking about the several gimped up jutsus that he created from the original. The blonde Jinchuuriki somehow added two more heads in the wind dragon jutsu, added more area of effect on it at the cost of speed. On a more negative note, a ninjutsu from me that was originally intended for long range attack ended up launched him to the target instead. Poor boy found it in the hard way when he tried the wind howl attack on a tree. Boruto would be proud of his daddy.
Despite of that, their progress made me proud.
As for Kabuto himself, I advised Hokage to let him do whatever he's up to, especially since he could be useful to us as a spy who didn't know that he had been compromised. Still, he sent Yuugao to him, with basic story of me recommended my medical checkup to her. Unfortunately the ANBU couldn't find anything, so Kabuto's relationship with Danzo and Orochimaru still uncovered and far-fetched for even a conspiracy theory. However, she managed to confirm that Kabuto didn't think too much of me visited him out of nowhere before. Also, her boyfriend Hayate found that the handwriting came from Kabuto himself, so it was clear that the bespectacled nin was more than just a six times failure in the chuunin exam.
And the time for Chuunin exams, became closer and closer.
But before that, I arranged a meeting between us and Asuma's team. He became desperate since everyone but Ino were slackers that often played hooky, and even then she got hindered in her training thanks to her diet. He was sure that his team would get the necessary motivation boost with the Chuunin exam, but with this training at least they could get the initial boost. Meanwhile, my team would reforge the teamwork that they lost after two weeks of solo training and two weeks of being upset by a superior ninja around their age.
The real motivation however? I wanted to become the one who created a PPV concept in Shinobi world!
-naruto-
"I can see you get stronger by leaps, Naruto."
"Thanks! You two don't look too shabby, either!"
"I wish I could just train my mind, but nooo. Asuma-sensei decided to be troublesome, and set this up, all because we skip training every weekend!" Shikamaru voiced his objection for this arrangements.
"Actually, it's just me. You always trying to ditch training every two days." Chouji countered, which made Shikamaru mumbled something while Naruto snickered.
As much as I enjoyed seeing Naruto talked with his old friends (and watched Sakura in staring fight with Ino), I have to ended this.
"So! You guys ready for a fight?"
"Yeah! Team 7 will win this, and then Boss will add the hot blonde in the list of his growing pot honey, right?"
"Of course, Konohamaru!"
"Definitely." Said a rather sleepy looking kid, Udon. He looked like he couldn't be more arsed to be here despite his reassurance. Wait. Did I became too accustomed with these three brats attending their boss' training without invitation?
"Wh-what?" Out of nowhere, Ino cried. Her almost futile attempt to hold back her tears added the strange situation, so much to the point that neither Jounin attempted to scold the three kids that disrupted the training at its very first seconds. "Are...are you saying that S-Sasuke-kun already have gi-girlfriends who don't mind to sh-share him?"
"Eh, who cares for the duck butt? I'm talking about the real ladies man here, Aniki Naruto!"
"GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, YOU STUPID MUTTS! HOW DARE YOU CALLED MY SASUKE DUCK BUTT!"
"YEAH!"
"OUCH!" Konohamaru landed in the bush, courtesy of flying Yamanaka-Sakura. However, Ino's quick 180 turn was more impressive imo. Oh, wait. Konohamaru was taking it without getting insulted? "I like you two! You have the spunk to kick a Hokage's grandson! Perfect for boss!"
"GET OUT!"
Not even feeling insulted by one bit, Konohamaru called his friends to get out of the training ground. What a weird kid.
"Ah, right." I snapped out of the unique situation first. Nothing could be compared to our first masterpiece of pain that shall be displayed soon. "Yamato? Is the battlefield ready now?"
"Ready, sempai." Said Yamato as my masterpiece began to sprung out of the ground. Oh, look at this beauty!
"HOLY SHIT! HE CREATED ALL OF THAT IN TEN MINUTES?" Choji screamed in an out of character moment, his chips dropped to the ground to make the moment had more weight.
Indeed, the battlefield was a very huge triple hell in a cell area. The triple hell in a cell itself were larger than the one in wrestling, almost the size of a basketball stadium for each ring. Two rings were placed side by side, while the other one was placed on top of both rings. The fences were deliberately made to be bouncy, both for safety of the combatants and to give them something to launch at enemies. The roofs were flimsier, and in the case for the top cell, the other two cell roofs also served as its ground, making it possible for fighter to broke into the top of the cell if they put enough strength. Oh, and everything's made of rock and woods, with the pillar of the cells made out of rock, so they better be careful to not crashed into them.
"MOTHERFUCKER ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR DAMN MIND?!"
"No, Naruto. This is real. I don't even need the green to imagine this!" I answered with a really cheery voice that make everything even more unsettling. "There are only three rules aside from standard rules for sparing like no killing technique: First, you can freely discuss who fight who. Two, there will be random weapons every sixty seconds that will popped out in the ring. Don't worry, none of them are designed for assassination. And three, every ninety seconds, one member from each team will be randomly placed on another ring for twenty seconds. However, keep in mind that you can still interact with enemies and friends from across cell, if they happened to be standing near their walls!"
"WHAT KIND OF CRACK YOU SMOKED LAST NIGHT, SENSEI!"
"Nothing! Just a life of shinobi's enough to crack me up!" I answered Sakura's outburst, still smiled as if there's nothing wrong here.
"Sempai, with this I ignored my old teaching for a moment, and quote me: This is awesome!"
"This could be one hell of a good show, Kakashi."
"Troublesome. My Jounin teacher just agreed with his insane colleague."
"See? Your audience's happy! That's all that matter in carnies!" I said while ignored Shikamaru's trademark. The rest of the genins could only groaned as they realized their lacks of choice.
-naruto-
At the end, our cute little genins decided to fight someone who's closest to their physicality for the fairest fight.
Obviously, Sakura vs Ino since they're girls. They also picked the top cell for bouncier and less hard-hitting ground that supported their more flexibility-based fight, as well as avoid breaking the top cell too fast, but I suspected that it was actually for making the fight less painful. Or easier access to Sasuke-kun. Girls never changed man.
Naruto would fight Choji since they had the best durability. Both also would be the one that rattled and created additional chaos to the other cages, thanks to Naruto's bunshin and Akimichi's calorie jutsu.
Poor Shikamaru since the fighting space was too close for his had to make an agreement to forbid the Sharingan genjutsu just to make sure everything's fair. Sasuke tried to object in that he already couldn't do his Katon release, but Yamato shut it down since we already put sprinklers in case the ring caught some fires, which means that both sharingan and fire jutsu were already neutered, just not to the point of fully useless.
Man, I'm a genius!
Unfortunately, there were just few attendees for the limited access of this premier event; supplementary teachers for my genin plus Asuma, the three brats, and people who worked on Ichiraku's (right now they also employed Haku for part time job since he only began his job as Shinobi next monday). Obviously Third Hokage wasn't invited despite Naruto's pleas. Had he knew the sparring would be conducted like this however...
"You're going down, pig!"
"Try me, forehead!"
"For some reasons, being on the cage give me more motivation to fight. Is it the rush people feel from competition? Is it what you always feel toward me, Naruto?"
"Troublesome. Kakashi must have planted some suggestions on this cage. Whatever. Better than get booed." Nice observation, Shikamaru. The only thing that you missed was me abandoned a scheme in the sharingan to set up some insane spots on the cage. I decided to see this match in all the genuine glory.
"So this is something like Chuunin's final exam, but in cage and with actual teamwork?"
"Not exactly." Tenzo answered Asuma's question. "There are several other rules in addition to the non-lethal jutsu rule, like 20 seconds of knockout rule. The combatants have 10 seconds to show they are still awake, and additional 10 seconds to stand perfectly and proving that they can still fight. I also make sure that the weapons were designed to knock the air off someone rather than causing blunt traumas by hollowing the inside of the weapons."
"Seems like this match is geared toward normal fighters as much as Shinobi."
"That's exactly what sempai have in mind. Although it also have some strategy bits, since the first winner will be able to disrupt the other ninja from the other side of the cage."
"FIGHT!" I screamed as a sign for them to go.
It didn't take long for Naruto to fill the adjacent cells with his bunshins in hope of sucker punched his teammate's enemy that happened to be launched on that side. Choji was ready to wipe out the side that was sent to help Shikamaru, but he couldn't fend off the other clones as Naruto already launched himself at him with surprising speed.
"Woah, Naruto! You're much quicker than what I estimated!"
"Thanks! Your reflex's not too bad, Chouji. You also improved a lot!"
"Yeah, I'm not slacking that much. But I don't want to be outdone by you just because I took some hours off every week, man." The Akimichi heir whined as he punched two of Naruto's clones that came from behind. "I know I'm not that good, but..."
"Then train harder and longer, Chouji! We can't let our youth to be spoiled by laziness and-"
"DYNAMIC ENTRY: AUTOMATIC YOUTH RECOGNITION!"
"Oh, no! An interference from UGO- Unidentified Green Object!" My girlfriend warned everyone at the sight of Gai launched himself at the cage out of nowhere, obviously more concerned with the continuation of this event rather than safety of the combatants. Meanwhile, Teuchi groaned as Gai reminded him of the day when he had to close the store for three days because one of his regular said something about youth soccer club. Also, Haku already prepared his senbons to knock the Green Beast out before he ruined the match.
"No need to worry, Anko-chan. We already carefully planned the security measures for this event, and we actually included dynamic entry on the code!" I assured as a pillar of wood sprung out of the ground, stopped Gai in midair...by hit him on the nuts. Ouch.
"That was...unyouthful..." Gai muttered before the darkness claimed him. Everybody got distracted by this rather strange event, sympathized with the Green Beast of Konoha's suffering. Surprisingly, Chouji was the one who got out of the funk first.
"Eh, okay. Maybe I can add more intensity in my training instead. But Naruto; how about this!" Chouji screamed as he became a bullet tank. Naruto managed to dodge the attack with ease...
Only for Chouji to hit the wall, and bounced back with greater velocity, caused him to hit Naruto who did not expect that, and both ended up being flattened on the other fence side.
"Oowie..."
"I...didn't intend to do that...ooo..." Chouji caressed his own head, probably being the first body part that hit Naruto on the rebound.
Yeah. Both combatants currently barely able to keep themselves from getting knocked out.
"This is going to be anticlimactic, right?" Anko sneered.
"Should I begin to count?"
I facepalmed as Haku began to run to Naruto and Chouji's cell for the 20 seconds knock-out. I forgot that Haku was the referee for knockout situation just for a second here. Where did everything gone wrong?
"Yamato..."
"Eh, maybe I put too much elasticity on the woods?" Yamato squeaked before he shunshined into some place, not even bothered to use the bomb smoke or leafs.
Meanwhile, with Sakura and Ino...
Sakura threw several shurikens with Ino's feet, which she dodged easily.
"Ha! You missed-OW!"
"I knew it! The fence cells are super bouncy! So much for the genius work of Hatake." Sakura exclaimed, salted the wounds of my pride. Oh, my genin was so cruel...
And then, she sneered at the sight of Ino plucked the shuriken that pierced her legs. "Sorry for making you, what they called it, hmm...MY GUINEA PIG, INO!"
Ino growled at the insults that was thrown at her, her eyes showed flames of anger that could kill had they came from someone like Madara. The platinum blonde launched her own shurikens at Sakura. My pinkie girl dodged them as easily as the other two, but this time she became the first one who was ready to avoid the rebound. And she did it successfully without any hitch.
However, I could see Ino smirked. She also got more and more distant with Sakura. What did she planned?
When she slumped to the back of the cell, I realized what she had in mind.
"The mind body switch! She backed herself into the corner just to get more time to do the jutsu!" Jiraiya shouted before he wondered about the peculiar anomaly of the jutsu. "But why's Sakura still stood perfectly?"
"Maybe she targeted Sasuke or Naruto instead?"
"No. Naruto's still trying to stand up, and Sasuke still managed to keep his distance from Shikamaru. If she went into either of them, they would be stopped by now."
Indeed, the fight between Sasuke and Shikamaru ended up being much more pragmatic than what we would've liked. The Kagemane turned out to be much more...troublesome than he predicted. So far both of them did nothing but throwing projectiles at each others, calculating each others' speed and reaction time. It was already clear that Sasuke's the fastest one on the cage considering the cuts that he made on several appendages of the Nara heir, but both still hesitant to make any actual attempt to end this match.
Oh, and Naruto already stood back! Chouji also soon followed. The fight on cage two's back and-
...That idiot just punched Chouji weakly and hit his head first to the canvas. Our ice-user referee facepalmed and started to count from one again, this time with 'enough of this shit' look.
And back to the cage number three, Sakura wasn't ignorant of her surrounding by any means; by the time she finished her dodging, she realized that her old friend Yamanaka was not conscious for whatever reason. She then charged to the girl, who currently slumped and defenseless. It would be a perfect time to end the match...
Except the sledgehammer weapon spawned just rightly on the right of her, and she came to her body just in time to grab and swing it to Sakura's ribs, and sent her into the right side of the cell.
"I'm not just the only one who observed the cage, you know." The Yamanaka heir boasted. "When he said that the cage has sprinkler and weapon spawning system, I knew there's more than just mechanic to do all of it. Took a little tinkering on the spawning system, and voila! Weapon in my hand, just in time to destroy some billboard!"
"So Ino used the mind switch to manipulate the central processing for the cage's system and get a weapon right next to her. And here I thought that Shikamaru's the brain of the team." Anko analyzed.
"That just showed you why the trio's always the team made for intel purposes. Just because Nara clans' IQ are clocked at 170 in median, that doesn't mean we can't call Yamanaka as genius." Jiraiya countered.
"Heh." Sakura sneered, and then stood up without problem in just five seconds. Haku's dilemma between counting the two supposedly physical juggernaut that still dazed was solved without any conflict. "You're surprisingly smart for a pig..."
"Pigs are actually smart. That's not a logical insult." Commented Yamato who found his nerve to return back to the stand.
"Well the stereotype for pigs still work thanks to their nastiness." I answered, instead of chasing him. The man's already humiliated for his failure, so why bother.
"But my brawn's still no match for you! Come on! I'll show you what super high protein 3000 can do to your body!"
"Wait! I eat those too, dumbass!"
"Then I'll show you what 200 pounds of seal weight every business day can do to your body!"
"Now that I haven't done! But don't forget that I'm still the one who hold the weapon, forehead!"
Both of them clashed...and knocked each others out. Sakura's muscles were now proven to be packed enough to scramble someone's brain, but Ino's surprisingly adequate strength still allowed her to smashed the sledgehammer into Sakura's head.
"Well, at least we now know that our Kunoichi's not well trained in durability."
"And Sakura-chan's also suffering from glass jaw. We already trained her in toughness, she followed the regime closely, and she still got knocked out. I'll train her neck muscles in future training to avoid this circumstance again."
"One restarted count, and neither of them look like they could stand perfectly." Jiraiya commented at
"Come on, boss! You can do it!"
"NARUTO! CHOUJI! THE WINNER WILL GET FIVE FREE RAMENS!"
Both of them immediately sprung back to life like nothing happened. Nice job, Ayame.
"Free..."
"Ramen..."
"Ayame, you need to make sure they eat more than five ramens, or I will cut your pocket money for tomorrow." Teuchi threatened his own daughter. His own flesh and bone just simply stuck her tongue at him.
"I won't lose!"
"Food of god, here I come!"
"Oh! It's time for the temporary handicap match!" Yamato suddenly pointed out.
But none of the combatants inside cared about it. Sasuke finally hit Shikamaru with a taijutsu style that I thought. The combo hits staggered him, and Sasuke grabbed his club weapon and bruised Shikamaru's ribs with it.
But the Uchiha's avenger ended up tripped by something, probably Shikamaru's wire trap. This gave Shikamaru enough time to
"NARUTO CYCLONE!"
"HUMAN BULLET TANK: RAZOR WINGS!" It was similar with the spiky variant, but instead of kunais wrapped around his body, Chouji used the twin bokken around his arm.
And just before they clashed...
Chouji ended up being warped into Shikamaru's cage.
"OH SHI-"
And smashed Shikamaru instead of Naruto.
And Naruto?
"AAAAGH! HELP ME!"
He ended up on fire, courtesy of Sasuke's missed fire jutsu. And the poor guy's jutsu ended up backfired. Not only it made the fire even bigger, it also launched him so fast that he broke out of the cage before the sprinkler system even reacted to him. On the side note Chouji also ended up being knocked out.
It took any of us 10 seconds before the implication hit us, and we decided to fix the flaming problem with water clones since there were no pond near of us..
Match result: Team 7 win in 1 minute and 40 seconds.
PPV result: Complete disaster.
My dream...ruined...
"My review? 1.5 out of 5."
"Meh. I'll give it 3.5 simply for the unintentional hilarity." Despite the rather generous review from Anko, I still couldn't help but give myself a zero star.
"Sempai, I think we need to remake everything from the scratch in case we still want to host this event."
"Yes. For the next PPV, this kind of match will be restricted to non-shinobi...until further notice." I sighed as Yamato's and my water clone attempted to stop and put Naruto out of the fire.
"Sensei?" Said the sole survivor of Uchiha... and this event. He was lucky that he shunshined out of the cage first.
"Yes, Sasuke?"
"Put us in this crap again, and I'll kill you."
I could only nodded at Sasuke's perfect imitation of the leader of rebellion against Mizukage.
-naruto-
Thank you for the constructive review! I never knew before that you have to use I capital in every I. I blame the crappy English education in my country.
And for the one who pointed out that Kakashi here's dumb, duh. I already said in the description that this Kakashi's rather insane. And it's humor fic too. Of course Kakashi's going to had some loose screws in his head.
And next chapter, it's time for the Chuunin exam!
