This chapter goes over team JNPR's work lives. We tried basing this off the T.V. show "The Office." ENJOY!
Chapter Nine: Another Day At The Office
After JNPR returned from RWBY's penthouse, they couldn't help but question how weird their neighbors were acting.
"I'm telling you," Pyrrha said as she headed for the bathroom. "Those guys are really weird."
"Yeah, I think you're right," Ren said as he sat down next to Jaune on the couch. "I've never seen anyone act so strangely."
"Really?" Nora said. "I kinda like them!"
"Yeah, I have to agree with Ren," Jaune stated as he lifted a spoonful of cereal out of the bowl. "You really know how to read people."
Pyrrha was in the bathroom brushing her teeth when she overheard Jaune and Ren's conversation. She smiled as she tried to think of some snarky quip about Jaune not being able to read people. When she couldn't, Pyrrha continued about her day.
"What did you think of me when we first met?" Jaune asked Ren.
Ren sighed. "You wouldn't like it if I told you..."
"Aw, come on! Just tell me!" Jaune insisted.
"Completely clueless." Ren simply replied.
Jaune processed this information for a moment before shrugging it off.
"Uh guys…" Nora said. "Aren't we supposed to be at the office early today?"
"Oh yeah! There's some kind of documentary crew coming to...document things," Jaune replied, "Do you remember when the boss wanted us to come in?"
"Eight thirty!" Pyrrha said from the bathroom with a mouthful of toothpaste.
"What time is it now?" Ren asked.
Jaune checked his watch. "Eight."
"Ohhh…" Nora said from the kitchen. "We're gonna be late today, aren't we?"
"YEP!" Jaune said as he quickly shoveled the remainder of the cereal into his mouth.
The next few minutes were complete and utter chaos as the four roommates frantically rushed to prepare for their office jobs.
Jaune, Nora, Ren, and Pyrrha, all worked at the same office space in downtown Vale. Their employing company, "The Schnee Dust Company", was based in Atlas and was the primary supplier of Dust throughout all of Remnant. However, the Vale branch strictly dealt with distributing Dust and Dust Accessories to potential customers around the world.
Jaune walked through the door first and was immediately greeted by a film crew pointing a camera in his face.
"Oh...Hi!" Jaune nervously spoke. "Ummm, I don't know what I'm supposed to say…"
"OH HEY!" A voice said.
Jaune looked over and saw an older man with silvery white hair walking towards them. "Oh hey boss!"
"Jaune," The man said as he put his hand on Jaune's shoulder. "I told you, call me Ozpin, or Ozzy...I don't want things like rank interfering with our team dynamic!"
"You got it, Ozzy!" Jaune said happily. "But umm...what are we supposed to do with all these cameras everywhere?"
Ozpin waved off the question. "Oh, nothing! Just continue to do your job like you usually do! Remember, it's just an average, normal day here."
The camera zoomed up on Nora's face.
"Ozzy's a pretty good boss. A bit weird but he's nice. I don't think I've ever seen him get angry."
Ozpin leered in the window behind Nora. "Nora! Stop talking to the camera crew and do your job!"
Nora gave Ozpin a thumbs up and he walked away. Once he was gone, she turned back to the camera. "Nobody knows whether 'Ozpin' is his first or last name. As a matter of fact, nobody knows much about him at all." Nora leaned in to whisper to the camera. "I think he might be a ninja assassin...or a celestial wizard…Oh, wait!" Nora gasped as a thought crossed her mind. "What if he secretly moonlights as a ninja assassin that's actually an undercover celestial wizard!? That would be so...COOL!"
Pyrrha walked over to her desk and set her bag down on the floor beside it.
"Good morning, Pyrrha." A muscular orange-haired young man said as Pyrrha sat down at the desk next to him.
"Good morning, Cardin," She sweetly replied. "How are you today?"
Cardin had a large thermos filled with a protein shake. He took a large gulp as Pyrrha sat down. "Pretty good."
Pyrrha looked into the camera.
"Cardin isn't exactly the brightest crayon in the box...or the sharpest tool in the shed... or the...shiniest coin in the bank…" Pyrrha droned on. "The point is, he's really fun to mess with."
Cardin turned his computer around after seeing a foreign red wire in the corner of his eye. "Pyrrha, what's this wire doing here?"
Pyrrha kept a straight face. "Computers have wires, Cardin."
"Yeah but this!" Cardin tugged on the wire. "This wasn't here before!" Cardin looked at the back of Pyrrha's computer. "Yours doesn't have one!"
Pyrrha raised an eyebrow as she checked the back of her computer monitor. "Really?"
Cardin frowned and began to tug even harder on the wire. "It's going in a different direction from the other ones!"
"Huh, that's weird," Pyrrha said before popping a peppermint candy in her mouth. "You should find out where it leads."
Jaune sat from across the two and giggled at Pyrrha's prank. Pyrrha raised an eyebrow and shot him a half cocked smile as the two watched Cardin pull the wire, revealing that the wire itself was duct taped to the floor.
Pyrrha giggled into the camera.
"I got about five hundred feet of red wire at the store." Pyrrha smiled, "It only cost me a hundred lien!"
Cardin got up and continued pulling, ripping up the wire and the duct tape holding it down. The wire continued to the Jaune's desk, which knocked over some paper work. "Hey! Watch it Cardin!"
"Shut up Jaune! I must find out where this goes!" Cardin exclaimed.
The wire continued into the break room, the front door, hallway, and out the door. "Where are you going, Cardin?!" Ozpin yelled.
"I MUST FOLLOW THE TRAIL!" Cardin ran out the door, tearing the wire along the path.
After a few minutes, Pyrrha glanced out the window. She saw Cardin climbing the power line, hell bent on figuring out where the wire led. He looked like he was struggling as he tried to climb even higher up the pole.
"I climbed all the way up there." Pyrrha said, "So he should be just fine."
An hour or so later, once Cardin had managed to climb down the power lines, he sat down at his desk, covered in sweat and other questionable fluids.
Ozpin walked up behind Cardin as he was working on fixing his computer and grabbed him by the shoulders. "Watch out! We have a new guy!"
Cardin quickly whirled his chair around to get a look at the company's newest employee.
Scarlet held out his hand. "Nice to meet ya."
Cardin just sat there, a sweaty and grimy mess, so Ozpin kicked Cardin in the shin.. "Introduce yourself. Be polite."
"Fine," Cardin extended his hand. "I'm Cardin Winchester," He shook Scarlet's hand and flopped it back and forth. "Assistant Regional Manager."
"Assistant to the Regional Manager." Ozpin corrected. "So, Cardin. Tell him about the car and everything."
Cardin's mood instantly improved. He loved talking about himself. "Yeah, uh, sure. I bought it for 1200 dollars, fixed it up and I'm looking to sell it for three grand." Cardin answered while looking at Scarlet.
"That's a pretty good profit." Ozpin added.
"New engine, new suspension...here I got some photos." Cardin said as he reached into his desk. As soon as he did, he grunted in anger. "GAH! DAMMIT, PYRRHA!"
"Hold on, hold on," Ozpin said as he stood between Pyrrha and Cardin's desks. "Judge is in session, what is the problem here?"
Cardin reached into his desk and pulled out a plate and slammed it on the desk. On it, was a solid dome of red jello that encapsulated Cardin's scroll. "SHE PUT MY STUFF IN JELLO AGAIN!"
Jaune made an audible laugh from across the room and put his hands over his mouth. Pyrrha tried to cover her smile with her hand.
Cardin voiced his opinion. "That's real professional, thanks. Third time and it wasn't funny the first two times-"
Ozzy tried to reason. "Alright-"
Cardin sighed into the camera.
"It's okay here, but people sometimes take advantage...because I'm so relaxed," Cardin had an intense glare on his face. "I'm a... volunteer Sheriff's Deputy on the weekends. And you cannot screw around there. It's sorta...one of the rules."
Scarlet pointed to the jello. "Da fuck is that?"
Cardin reached into the jello and said, "That's my scroll."
"NO! NO! NO!" Ozpin yelled and grabbed Cardin's arm. "DO. NOT. TAKE IT OUT. Eat it out of there." Ozpin demanded, this elicited a laugh from Scarlet. "Because there are starving people in the world." Ozpin chuckled and faced the camera. "Which I hate. It's a waste of that kind of food-"
Cardin swung his chair around quickly and cut him off. "OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?" He pointed to Scarlet. "YOU can be a witness. Can you reprimand her please?"
Pyrrha was eating the same red jello as the three stared at her. "How do you know it was me?"
"It's ALWAYS you." Cardin turned to Ozpin, "Are you gonna discipline her?"
"Oh, discipline! Kinky!" Ozpin shouted.
Goodwitch turned around at Ozpin's comment and glared daggers.
"Here's the deal you two. Think about a practical joke and you have to know when to start as well as when to stop!" Ozpin lectured. "And yeah, Pyrrha. Now is the time to stop putting Cardin's personal items into jello."
Pyrrha nodded. "Okay. Cardin I'm sorry… I've always been… Your biggest flan."
Ozpin snorted at the apology and cracked up. He clapped his hands together, "OHOHOHO, NICE!" Ozzy turned to Scarlet, "That's the way it is around here. It just kinda goes around and around and around."
Scarlet saw his chance to impress the boss. "You should have put her in custardy."
"HEY! YES!" Ozpin shoved Scarlet's chest with both hands. "THIS GUY! HE SCORES!" He said as he was laughing.
Cardin cut in. "That's great. I guess what i'm most concerned with is uh, company property. That's all."
They had an intense stare off in dead silence.
Ozpin muttered, "Pudding…I'm trying to think…of what other dessert to do."
Pyrrha smiled at the camera
"I like to prank Cardin." She smiled, "It's the best way to get through the day... Besides talking with Jaune."
Ren walked over to the copy machine and turned it on. It made a low pitiful beep. After a few moments, the printer roared to life. He placed the paper on the copier and wanted to make ten copies. The copier, however, had a different plan. It produced vast amounts of paper, too quickly to keep count. It spat out hundreds of papers, sending them flying across the room like a card-shuffling machine gone mad.
"GAH!" Ren said as he was pelted with a barrage of papers. "NORA! HELP!"
"COMING REN!" Nora chirped. As soon as Nora walked through the door, she was pelted by papers and was sent flying back. "REN WHAT DID YOU DO?!"
Wow, looks like the roles are reversed. He thought. "It was the copier's fault! Do something!"
"ON IT!" Nora shouted. She pushed her co-worker Coco out of her chair and lifted it over her head. Nora then began smashing the copy machine with the chair. This sent sparks flying.
Ren sighed as he looked into the camera.
"Nora destroys things on a daily basis." Ren informed. "So Ozzy bought a tool kit… Just for her. She's pretty proud of herself for that."
Goodwitch walked up to Ren at his desk. She was wearing her newest green blouse and wanted Ren's opinion. Since he wears green so often, she thought he would approve.
"Hey, Ren." Goodwitch waved as she walked up to him. "Do you like my shirt?"
Ren examined her outfit. "I think that green is kind of whore-ish."
Goodwitch scowled at his pokerface.
Glynda stared, dumbfounded, into the camera.
"WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?! THAT SMUG BASTARD THINKS I CAN'T PULL OFF GREEN?"
"Everyone, meet me in the conference room!" Ozpin said to the rest of the office floor. "I have something to talk to you about!"
Jaune and Pyrrha followed the rest of their coworkers into the conference room and sat down in the first row of chairs available.
Ozpin was standing at the front of the front of the room with Cardin at his side. "Okay, it's possible that you all may know by now about the bird that got stuck in the vents last week."
A sea of heads nodded, confirming Ozpin's assumption.
"Well, it's still here," Ozpin sighed. "One would think that it would have starved to death by now, but that's beside the point-"
"I have a theory…" Cardin interrupted Ozpin and held his finger in the air.
Jaune snickered to Pyrrha. "Oh this should be good."
Cardin continued to explain his 'theory.' "I believe that the bird in fact isn't a real bird at all."
"Then what is it?" Coco asked.
Cardin took a deep breath. "It's a robotic bird that was sent here on a mission from its cyborg-like overlords to gain knowledge on how we interact as a species so that they may flawlessly assimilate themselves into our culture and pass themselves off as one of our own."
Scarlet's face hit the base of his palm.
"What have I gotten myself into? These people are lunatics!"
"I think that's highly unlikely, Cardin," Ozpin said. "Cyborgs wouldn't use a robot bird to collect information on us."
"How would you know that?" Cardin's face was now centimeters away from Ozpin's own. "Only a cyborg would say something like that. Are you a cyborg?"
"Pshh, me? Of course not!" Ozpin waved off the notion. "But how do you know that you're not a cyborg that was implanted with the memories and emotions of a human?"
Cardin looked like he was about to take dispute with Ozpin's claim, but soon realized that Ozpin's question was a valid one. In shock of the sudden realization that he may be a cyborg, Cardin simply walked out of the conference room and sat down at his desk, pondering the validity of everything he thought he knew.
Ozpin and the others had watched from inside of the conference room as Cardin stared blankly at his desk.
"Okay, where were we?"
"The bird!" Neptune shouted.
Ozpin snapped his fingers. "Ah, yes! Someone will be coming to take care of that little problem in a few days!"
Glynda groaned. "A few days?"
"Yeah, apparently this kind of thing happens all the time because the guy was booked for 3 days straight.
"Is that all?" Pyrrha sighed. "Can we get just get back to work now?"
Ozpin racked his brain for anything else that might be important information that he needed to share with everyone. "Yeaaaaaahhhh, I think that's everything! NOW EVERYONE GET OUT OF MAH CONFERENCE ROOM!"
"Hey, Glynda," Jaune asked as his coworker walked by. "How are you holding up?"
She shot Jaune a look that almost made him regret asking her. Then again, she always looked like she was about to bite the head off anyone who had the misfortune of crossing her. "Not good. If Oz doesn't get someone in here to take care of it NOW, I'm going to climb into that vent myself and strangle the life out of it."
Jaune choked on his water and began to cough. "You call him 'Oz'?"
Glynda glared at Jaune. "That's all you got out of that statement?"
"Well, yeah," Jaune replied. "I mean, the bird thing's pretty messed up, but you don't actually mean it, do you?"
Glynda cocked her head. "What makes you think I wouldn't do it?"
"N...nothing," He stammered. "But, you're just kidding...right?"
She didn't answer. Instead, she maintained eye contact with him as she slowly walked toward the break room.
Jaune smirked into the camera.
"I think that bird is stuck in the ceiling right above her desk. On a good day, she's just really scary, but recently…"
He turned around and looked out the window. He saw Glynda staring straight up at the ceiling with a seething scowl on her face.
"Do I think she would strangle a poor little bird? Maybe."
Glynda sat at her desk, trying to continue about her normal routine, but the bird flapping it's wings in the vent above her was enough to drive her to madness. The smallest thing was going to send her over the edge.
"Hey Glynda," Coco said as she walked over to her desk. "That green makes you look kind of whore-ish."
"Oh, fuck you, Coco," Glynda seethed. "You indoor-sunglasses-wearing bitch."
"WHOA!" Ozpin overhead the conversation and stepped in to intervene. "What's going on here?"
"I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S GOING ON!" Glynda flew off the handle at her boss. "This ass grabbin' Coco called me a whore!"
"I said 'whore-ISH'!" Coco defended herself.
Glynda was beet red. "You little…"
"OKAY, thats enough!" Ozpin said with a little laugh in his voice.
"OH WHAT'S SO FUNNY?" Glynda said with bitterness in her voice.
"Well lets face it Glynda," Ozpin put his hand on her shoulder. "Green is just not your color."
Before Goodwitch could have another outburst, the bird started to make a racket and ended up destroying one of the ceiling tiles. The tile fell on top of Neptune's head. Neptune fell out of his chair. Many ceiling tile pieces were lodged in his hair.
"OW!" He yelped.
Everyone in the office stared at the foreign invader. Before anyone could take action, the bird flew on top of Jaune's head. "Wha- guys! I'M SCARED!"
The entire office went silent and they watched the bird peck at Jaune's head.
"Jaune, don't you DARE move." Glynda said as she crept toward him.
Jaune whimpered. "What should I do?"
"NOTHING!" Glynda hissed, "HE'S MINE."
The bird stared at Glynda, as if it was challenging her. If the bird could talk, it would say, "Come at me, bitch."
A tumbleweed of paper rolled between the two adversaries as the avian menace seemingly taunted Glynda by squawking twice. She narrowed her eyes and the bird cocked its head in defiance. Meanwhile, Jaune whimpered as the bird opened its wings threateningly on top of his head.
Neptune shook his head, "Does anyone know how that paper rolled on its own?"
"Glynda," Pyrrha nervously spoke and ignored Neptune. "What are you doing?"
Glynda roared as she vaulted over the desk and tackled the bird off Jaune's head, nearly taking his head off with her.
"YOU...SON OF A...MOTHERFU…PIECE OF..." In her blind rage, Glynda wove a tapestry of obscenities that was so toxic, it would hang in space over the continent of Vale for years to come.
The bird continued to squawk and struggle as the pile of Jaune, Glynda and the bird writhed around on the floor.
"Glynda!" Jaune shouted. "You're kicking my face!"
She ignored his pleas and continued to pummel the poor bird.
However, the bird fought back. It spread its wings and flew on top of Glynda's head. It made its new home in her hair.
"KWAAAA!" The bird screeched, proclaiming its new territory. Goodwitch just stood there, hesitant to raise her hands to detain the bird.
"DON'T. MOVE." Coco demanded as she crept closer.
"No, no," Ozpin disagreed. "Let me handle this."
Everyone watched as Ozpin headed into his office and grabbed a small silver bucket. He brought it back out and held it triumphantly in front of him.
"Why do you have a bucket in your office?" Pyrrha asked.
"Late nights," Ozpin nonchalantly replied. "Can't leave my office for anything."
"YOU MEAN YOU PISS IN THAT THING?!" Glynda screeched.
"AND poop," Ozpin added. "Don't you dare forget the poop."
"WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THAT?" Glynda's distressed voice cracked.
"I'm just going to tap you lightly on the head with it and hopefully, with enough luck, I'll assert my dominance over the bird and it will fly away." Ozpin said calmly.
Cardin tapped Ozpin's shoulder, "You are not going in there alone, not if I can help it."
"Thanks but, this is something I must do by myself." Ozpin replied.
"NO!" Glynda shouted. "You ARE NOT going to hit me in the head with your piss bucket!"
"Too late!" Ozpin launched himself towards the bird and slammed the bucket into Glynda's head, knocking her unconscious.
Coco watched the show. "Well, that might have been a little too hard."
"Nonsense!" Ozpin picked up the half-dead bird. "Mission is complete, everyone go back to your jobs!"
Pyrrha was concerned, "But what about-"
"GLYNDA IS FINE! SHE'S JUST SLEEPING!" Ozpin insisted.
Jaune stood up from the floor and looked at Glynda. "I think she's bleeding…"
"SHE'S ON HER PERIOD!" Ozpin exclaimed.
"But...it's from her head!" Jaune replied.
"You mean...girls don't bleed from their head when they're on their period?" Ozpin asked.
Pyrrha couldn't help but sigh at her boss' idiocy. "NO!"
"Then…" The gravity of the situation dawned on Ozpin. "Oh yeah, this is bad. REALLY BAD!"
"She's DEAD!" Cardin panicked. "WE GOTTA HIDE THE BODY!"
Ren simply sighed, "I'll call an ambulance."
"Well, that was...interesting," Pyrrha said as she and her friends walked past the paramedics outside. "But at least we get to go home early."
Glynda was being loaded into an ambulance with an oxygen mask over her face and bandages wrapped around her head. Ozpin walked over and placed his hand over hers.
"Don't worry, I'll be with you every step of the way." He reassures her.
Glynda scowled and firmly flipped him off.
"It's a pretty good idea, you know?" Nora said happily.
"What?" Pyrrha asked as the four of them walked down the sidewalk.
"A piss bucket!" Nora exclaimed. "It's actually really smart!"
Jaune nodded his head in agreement "We should go out and buy our own sometime!"
"I swear to god if you keep one of those at our apartment I'm kicking you out." Pyrrha deadpanned.
As they headed home from work, JNPR saw a man and Blake walk out of a cafe.
"Look!" Nora pointed. "It's Blake!"
"She looks paler than usual." Ren observed.
Pyrrha had a smile on her face. "But she's with a guy!"
"OH!" Jaune exclaimed. "I know that place! They have great cheese steaks!"
"OH MY GOD," Nora was stunned. "LOOK AT THAT CAR!"
"I know!" Pyrrha said. "It's so...shitty!"
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" Nora shouted. "THAT CAR IS AWESOME!"
"For throwing in the trash?" Ren asked.
"No, for smashing!" Nora exclaimed.
"But really," Pyrrha added. "Blake is acting weird, even for her."
"She looks like a ghost." Jaune said. "We should ask her what's wrong later."
The three nodded in agreement.
MAK: So YEAH, that chapter was really fun to write! I know I say that about pretty much any chapter we write, but THIS WAS SOOO FUN! Don't worry, we SHOULD be back to the main story next week!
Toto: "THAT SMUG BASTARD THINKS I CAN'T PULL OFF GREEN?!" "Oh! Kinky!" *Glynda glares daggers*
