A/N: mtsocano: Yes, Lars and the Off-Colors will be appearing at some point.


Yellow Diamond sat her fat ass in the throne perfectly suited for her fat ass. A great, big set of stank lips had settled on her face, as things were not going well. Things were not going well at all. She needed something to help her feel better. "Pearl," she said, looking over at her servant. "What is my approval at?"

"100%, My Diamond."

"Excellent!" the dictator said, grinning. "That's two points higher than it was yesterday."

"Coincidentally, there were two less respondents to the poll today…" the Pearl muttered.

"What was that?"

"N-nothing, My Diamond."

"Mhmm. What's the status on that rogue Ruby platoon?"

"We have absolutely no idea where they are or what they're up to now," answered Pearl. "We do know they're PROBABLY still somewhere on Earth."

"Excellent. I've sent one of Blue's subjects to find them."

Pearl blinked. "Please tell me you didn't send… her."

Yellow Diamond raised an eyebrow. "What's wrong with her?"

"I hate her. She's pretentious and rude, and I think she has a soft spot for that partner of hers."

"Rude is good. Rude is how we're going to get what we want." Yellow Diamond tapped the screen in front of her, and pulled up an image of a spaceship approaching Earth. "Let's just hope SHE doesn't fail me too. I'm tired of people failing me, do you understand, Pearl?"

"Y-Yes, My Diamond."


The special ed classroom at South Park Elementary was abuzz with idle chit-chatter between various members of the school's handicapable students. Most of the students had circled around Jimmy and Timmy, the coolest students in special education—perhaps even in the whole school. Nathan and Mimsy, Jimmy and Timmy's sworn enemies, sat on the other end of the room, alone. Nathan glared at them.

"Look at them, Mimsy," Nathan muttered. "They think they're so great, just because everyone likes them. What makes them so likable?"

Mimsy blinked. "Uhh, gee, boss, do ya think it's got something to do with how kind, caring, and respectful of others they are? Maybe we should think about being like them!"

Nathan slapped Mimsy. "Shut up, Mimsyyy!"

The special ed teacher, Counselor Steve, approached the front of the room, grinning. "Alright everyone, settle down. Now I know you all have been hearing some RUMORS about some very special new friends we're going to be making today! I'm proud to announce that we've got some new students with us, today! Come on up and introduce yourselves!" Counselor Steve stepped aside and allowed the four new students to introduce themselves. Most of the students cheered, but Nathan raised an eyebrow at their odd appearance. All four had reddish skin and big, blocky hairstyles. They all had stones on different parts of their body.

"Um, hi!" the first student introduced. Her stone was in her navel. "I'm Ruby! Golly, it's so nice to meet all of you! I hope we can all be great friends!"

Nathan blinked. "What the fuck."

The second student spoke up. Her stone was on her leg. "Hi!" she said. "I'm Ruby also!"

The third student, whose stone was on her arm, approached the front. "Howdy! My name is Ruby!"

The final student cleared her throat. Her stone was on her chest. "You can call me Ruby."

Counselor Steve smiled. "Alright, everyone, let's give the Rubies a round of applause!" Everyone clapped for the new students. "Go ahead and take your seats, children!" The Rubies did so, sitting in a row of empty seats next to Jimmy and Timmy.

"Oh, boy, boss, new students!" Mimsy exclaimed. "Isn't that exciting?"

"Yes. Very." Nathan turned to his partner in crime. "Do you know what this means?"

"Jimmy and Timmy have new friends?"

Nathan smacked Mimsy. "No! WE have new friends. These new students don't know anyone yet. This is our chance to finally be cool. If we make friends with the new kids, everyone will think we're awesome, and Jimmy and Timmy will be left in the dust."

"Uhhh, gee, boss, I don't know. If we're just using them to enhance our status amongst the other students, are they really our friends?"

After a beat of silence, Nathan slapped his only friend again. "Shut UP, Mimsyyyy!"

Jimmy wasted no time in chatting up the new students. "So, R-Ruby, you're new in South Park? Where'd you come from?"

The chest-stone Ruby, whom Jimmy mentally labeled 'Doc', glanced around. "Can you keep a secret?" she asked.

"Sure th-thi-thing."

"Timmy!"

Doc leaned in closer and whispered. "We're on the run. Something really bad happened on our home planet, and we had to escape. Don't tell anyone. We think somebody might be after us."

"Tim-Timmy!" Timmy whispered excitedly.

"Your s-secret's safe with us, n-new kid!" Jimmy assured, grinning wide. He continued to smile as Nathan and Mimsy approached.

"Oh, hey, new kids," Nathan greeted, faking a naive smile. "What's up?"

"The atmosphere!" The navel-stone Ruby said excitedly. Jimmy labeled her 'Navy'.

"That's right. The atmosphere," Nathan said. "Hey. I have an idea. Why don't you four sit with Mimsy and I at lunch today? We'll help you get to know the school."

Jimmy nodded. "Hey, th-that's a great idea! Nathan and M-Mi-Miiih Miiih… N-Nathan and Mimsy can help you get ac-c- acqu- familiar with the school!"

Doc stared at Nathan suspiciously and narrowed her eyes. "Hmmm… sure… why not…?"

"Great," Nathan said. "I'll see you there." He and Mimsy walked away. "Alright Mimsy, we're in. Now, nothing can stop us from being cooler than Jimmy and Timmy."

"Boy, this sure is a good plan, boss!" Mimsy said excitedly. "Jimmy and Timmy won't know what hit 'em!"

"That's right, Mimsy. Soon, I will be… the man."


The streets of South Park were empty, for the moment. Everyone was at work or at school, save for Officer Barbrady, who was busy writing a citation on an illegally parked vehicle.

"There!" Barbrady yelled, smacking the ticket down on the windshield. "That'll teach you to park in a fire lane. Dohohoho," he laughed, satisfied that the streets of South Park would once again be safe from crime.

Since his reinstatement on the Park County Police Department, Officer Barbrady spent most of his time on traffic duty. Most cops would've found this kind of work demeaning and boring. Barbrady, however, was just thankful that he had his old job back. Besides, being stuck on traffic duty meant he wasn't around to screw up during the big Swatting epidemic South Park had last month, and that was always a big plus.

Humming to himself, Barbrady turned around and stared across the street. He frowned. That side of the street was definitely darker than the side he was on. Something wasn't right. He looked up, and gasped.

A large unidentified flying object was hovering over the street. It slowly lowered itself onto the road, three rods erecting themselves to allow itself to land. The door began to open, and two alien figures—one tiny and blue, the other large and yellow—stepped out.

"Oh my god!" Barbrady yelled. "They're parking next to a fire hydrant!" Indeed, the space ship had landed just two feet away from a fire hydrant, which was against the law. "Hey! You two!"

The smaller alien, not having heard the police officer, ran her fingers through her hair and sighed. "Alright, Topaz, we're here," she said. "Never thought I'd have to come back to this eyesore of a planet, but here we are. Do you remember the assignment?"

Topaz nodded. "Lotta rogue Gems lately, huh, Aquamarine?"

Aquamarine shrugged. "Oh, besides the Crystal Gems, one Lapis Lazuli, two Peridots, the off-colors, and now almost an entire squadron of Rubies?" She laughed. "Yes, it seems Homeworld is having quite the emigration problem."

"Hey, you can't park there!" Officer Barbrady yelled once he got to the two no-good criminals.

"Oh, gross, it's one of the natives," Aquamarine said, recoiling in disgust.

"You are within a fifteen foot radius of a fire hydrant! That's illegal!" Barbrady informed the aliens.

"Fantastic," Aquamarine said. "I don't care."

"Do- don't care?!" Barbrady yelled, his words coming out in befuddled stammers. "Miss, if you do not move your vehicle right this instant, I will be forced to give you a ticket!"

Aquamarine just gave the officer a bored stare. She stared in silence for several seconds before turning to Topaz. "Let's go," she said as they walked away.

Officer Barbrady glared at Aquamarine and Topaz. "I'll show you to disrespect the law…" he muttered as he began writing up a citation.

"Uh, gee, maybe if we want to stay inconspicuous, we shouldn't break the local law?" Topaz said, looking back at Barbrady as he placed the ticket on the spacecraft.

"Shut up, Topaz," Aquamarine said. "We have an important mission, and we cannot afford to be led astray by the antics of humans."

"I'm just saying, maybe we shouldn't–"

"Topaz!" Aquamarine interrupted, turning around and glaring at her bodyguard. "This. Is. Beneath us. That human can issue whatever sort of citation he wishes, we won't be HERE for very long in any case."

"I guess…"

"Besides," Aquamarine continued, turning back around, "if he becomes a problem, we'll simply dispatch him."

Topaz frowned. "Uh… Okay."


The lunch bell rang at South Park Elementary. The Rubies joined Nathan and Mimsy, who sat alone at their own lunch table.

"So, Ruby," Nathan said, though he wasn't making eye contact with any of them in particular. "What brings you to South Park?"

Navy looked around the table in awe. "Wow! There's nobody else here! You saved all of these seats for us?!"

"We sure did!" Mimsy said excitedly. "We always sit alone, because nobody likes us."

Nathan slapped Mimsy. "Shut up, Mimsyyyy!"

"Sorry, boss. You're always talking about how nobody's special, so I wanted them to know they're not special too—" another slap.

"Shut UP Mimsyyy!"

"—and, you know, we're being friends with them so everyone will sit with us—"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, MIMSYYY!"

"I'll shut up now, boss."

Nathan glared at Mimsy for a second before turning back to the Rubies. "So anyway, what are your plans for recess later?"

Suddenly, Mr. Mackey began calling out over the intercom. "Attention students, m'kay. Will Ruby, Ruby, Ruby, and Ruby come to the principal's office? Ruby, Ruby, m'kay, Ruby, and Ruby, please report to PC Principal's office."

"The principal's office?!" Army exclaimed. "I heard that's where they shatter the bad kids!"

"Hey, why don't I show you to the principal's office?" Nathan said. "It's just down the hall from the cafeteria."

Nathan and Mimsy stood up, and began to lead. Doc shrugged, and stood up as well. "Well, come on, gang," she said. "We better go see what the leader of the human adolescents wants from us."

Jimmy and Timmy approached the group. "Oh, hey, f-fellas!" Jimmy greeted. "We'll go to PC Principal's office with you!"

Navy started tapping her fingers together. "Gosh, that makes me feel a lot safer."

Nathan glared at Jimmy. "Uh, actually, Jimmy, we were just about to take them there."

"Well, you know what they say!" Jimmy said, grinning. "The more the m-merrier! Come on, fellas! Let's go!" Jimmy and Timmy led the Rubies out of the cafeteria, leaving Nathan and Mimsy alone.

"I fucking hate that kid," Nathan muttered. He started to follow as well, but was stopped by Kyle Broflovski, who was holding a clipboard. "Yes, can I help you?" he asked, playing up his disability ever so slightly in his tone and the delivery of his speech.

"Oh, hey, uh…" Kyle was blanking on the kid's name. "I wanna say Jeremy?"

"I'm Nathan."

"Nathan, right. Listen, I'm doing this bullshit poll for a project in class. Can you answer some questions for me?"

Nathan frowned. "Uh. I-I'm actually kind of busy right now, so-"

"Oh, it won't take long, I swear." Kyle looked down at his clipboard. "Ahem. 'How would you rate options provided for school lunches'? You can answer very good, good, okay, not so good, and bad."

"Uh. Okay, I guess?"

"Alright. Next question. 'How helpful do you find the resources in the school library?' You can answer very good, good, okay, not so good, and bad."

"I really need to get going," Nathan excused.

"Yeah! We got some new kids to trick into being our friends!" Mimsy said. Nathan slapped him.

"Shut up, Mimsyyy!"

Kyle sighed. "Okay, I'm just gonna follow you to wherever you're going, can you please just answer my questions?"

"Fine, but keep walking."

Kyle, Nathan, and Mimsy quickly caught up with the Rubies, who were still being escorted by Jimmy and Timmy. "'How adequately does the school counselor help you with your problems?'" Kyle continued. "You can answer very good, good, okay, not so good, and bad."

"Not so good," Nathan answered.

"...okay, can you elaborate on that?"

"Aw, he's just still mad about that time he was fucked by a shark at Lake Tardicaca and Mr. Mackey made him go back to camp again the next year," Mimsy said. That earned him a slap.

"Shut up, Mimsy…"

The group turned the corner. PC Principal's Office was just two doors down. The Rubies froze, however.

"AGH!" Army yelled, staring at the two figures next to the office. "It was a trap! I knew it!"

Aquamarine and Topaz were waiting patiently in front of the office. They hadn't noticed, yet, but they would as soon as the Rubies tried to step into the principal's office.

"W-what's wrong, fellas?" Jimmy asked. The Rubies pulled him and Timmy back around the corner, where Nathan, Mimsy, and Kyle were still standing.

"That's the one who's after us!" Doc said. "She's insane!"

Nathan frowned. "Wait, what? After you?"

Kyle was still looking down at his clipboard. "Okay. 'How would you rate the school's infrastructure?' Huh, this question isn't very specific…" He looked up at Nathan. "Are you gonna answer my questions or not?"

"I think we're dealing with more important things."

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Ugh. Fine." He started walking around the corner. Jimmy tried to stop him.

"K-Kyle, no!"

"Timmy!"

Kyle walked past PC Principal's office. Aquamarine and Topaz stared at him as he knocked on the door. "PC Principal?" Kyle said. The principal opened the door. "This poll is fucking stupid, I'm not doing this." Kyle dropped the clipboard on the ground. PC Principal just shrugged.

"Where are the Ruby quadruplets?" PC Principal asked himself. He stared at Aquamarine and Topaz. "Your daughters should be here, the attendance records say they were in class today."

"Well, find them!" Aquamarine yelled. "We can't afford to dilly-dally. Tell you what. If you find them for us, we'll reward you. Handsomely."

Nathan raised an eyebrow at this. "Reward?" he muttered, staring back at the Rubies.

Leggy pulled at her hair. "Oh, man!" she exclaimed. "She's offering rewards! What if someone gives us up?!"

Nathan pondered be thought for a moment. Money was WAY more useful than friends. "Yes… what if…"

"D-don't worry," Jimmy said. "We won't let anything h-happen to you!"

"Timmy!"

Nathan glared at Jimmy and Timmy. Clearly, they were going to be an issue. They needed to be… dealt with.

Mimsy whispered. "Psst! Boss! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Nathan slapped Mimsy. "Shut up, Mimsy, we'll talk about this later," he whispered as he dragged his friend away.

PC Principal started to walk back into his office. "I'm going to try calling them up one more time, just wait here a second." He shut the door behind him. Kyle started to walk away. Aquamarine turned back around and stared at him.

"So, you thought you could trick us, huh?" she asked. Confused, Kyle turned around.

"Are you talking to me?" he asked.

"Yes, I'm talking to you, Ruby," Aquamarine said, the hostility in her voice apparent. "You might as well give them up, because I'm going to find them anyway. Where are the others?"

"I'm sorry, I think you're mistaking me for someone else," Kyle said. "I really don't have any idea what you're talking about."

"Oh, really?" Aquamarine said, eyeing the boy suspiciously. "You really expect me to believe this lousy disguise you've put on? Your shapeshifting abilities are truly dreadful."

"What-?" Kyle's eyes widened as Topaz picked him up. "Agh! What the hell?! Let go of me!" he yelled.

"You know what to do," Aquamarine said. Nodding, Topaz unfused, becoming two beings. She re-fused a moment later, trapping Kyle between her two halves.

"MMMPH!" Kyle screamed, his words muffled by Topaz's body. "What the fuck?!"

Jimmy gasped. "K-Kyle!"

Aquamarine gestured down the hall. "Come on, Topaz, we haven't got all day."

"Where the fuck are you taking me?!" Kyle yelled, though, again, his words were muffled. He sort of sounded like Kenny when he was like this. "Put me down! Jesus Christ, dude!"

Jimmy, Timmy, and the Rubies watched as the mysterious figures left with Kyle in tow. "W-we have to help him!" Jimmy said.

"Timmy!"

"Forget him, we need to help OURSELVES!" Army said in a hushed tone. "We can NOT go back to Homeworld! Everything's all topsy-turvy there now!"

"Sorry, f-f-fellas, but Kyle's my friend, and we need to h-he- helll… to hel- hel… we need to save him!"

"Timmy."

Doc rolled her eyes. "Well, if you REALLY want to help your friend, you're going to want to do it fast. You don't want to know what Homeworld does when they get their hands on a human."


Aquamarine and Topaz approached their spaceship, which now had three parking tickets taped to it. They entered, and Topaz unfused, dropping Kyle in the process.

"Agh! Shit!" Kyle yelled as he hit the ground. He breathed heavily, as for the entire duration of that trip, he felt like he was suffocating. Once he'd finally caught his breath, he slowly stood up. Aquamarine hovered above him, smirking. "Who the hell are you?" he asked, unsure what was going on.

"Don't play dumb, Ruby," Aquamarine spat. "Your kind is dumb, but you're not THAT dumb."

Kyle glared at Aquamarine. "'Your kind'? Dude. Fuck. You."

"I'm going to find them anyway, so you might as well tell me," Aquamarine said, crossing her arms. "Where are the others?"

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about!" Kyle responded. "Seriously, let me go, you've got the wrong kid!"

"If you don't cooperate, they're just going to make things harder for you when you get back to Homeworld."

"What?!"

Topaz frowned. "Gee, boss. Maybe they're telling the truth." Aquamarine floated up and flicked the back of Topaz's head. "Ow!" she said, shooting Aquamarine an annoyed glare.

"Shut up, Topaaaaz!"

"Seriously. Don't do that again."

Kyle just glared at his kidnappers. "Look, I've already told you, I don't KNOW anything. You made a huge mistake!"

"Are you threatening me?" Aquamarine asked, glaring back down at Kyle.

"What? No! I-I just-"

"Fine!" Aquamarine said, straightening her posture. "Don't tell us anything. We'll find them ourselves. Let's go, Topaz."

"If you hit me again I'm just going home," Topaz said, glaring at Aquamarine as they left Kyle alone in the space ship. A glowing, yellow force field appeared at the end of the cell, trapping Kyle in.

"Son of a bitch!" he yelled.

Aquamarine sighed as the ship's door closed. "This… is going to be a lot harder than I thought."

Officer Barbrady showed up again. "So, it looks like you've noticed. I've given you THREE parking tickets, and I'll give you another one if you don't move the vehicle!"

Aquamarine just glared at Barbrady. "You sure showed us," she said.

"That's right I did! Maybe next time you'll think twice before parking illegally!" Barbrady left, and Aquamarine sighed again.

"I… hate… this planet."

"So, I heard you're offering a reward," Aquamarine heard a voice from behind her. She turned around, and saw two human kids standing there. "My name is Nathan, and this is Mimsy. We can help you find what you're looking for, provided you can pay."

Aquamarine smirked. "Well, well. It looks like SOME humans are worth something after all."

"So what kind of reward are you offering?" Nathan asked.

"Oh, that part's a surprise," Aquamarine said. "But I assure you, it's something like this planet has never seen before."

"Gee, boss, I don't know if I trust her," Mimsy said, frowning. "She's being all vague-like, that's pretty suspicious if you ask me." Nathan slapped him.

"Shut up, Mimsyyy! You're blowing it!"

"Sorry, boss."


The bells rang at South Park Elementary, signaling the end of class. Stan, Kenny, and Cartman stood in front of Stan's locker as Stan finished putting his shit in his bag.

"Alright, guys, let's go," Stan said, closing the door. "Hey, where's Kyle? I haven't seen him since lunch."

"Probably still doing that stupid polling project," Cartman said. "Who cares, he'll probably just meet up with us later."

"F-Fellas!" Jimmy yelled, moving as fast as he could to catch up to the boys. Timmy and the Rubies followed. "W-we've got a really big p-problem!"

"What? What happened?" Stan asked.

"K-Kyle's been k-k-kidnapped!"

"Timmy!"

Stan's eyes widened. "What?!"

Navy stepped forward, and held her hand out. "Hi there! I'm Ruby, and these are my friends, Ruby, Ruby, and Ruby. Your friend Kyle got kidnapped because of us. Whoops!"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Kenny asked.

"Yeah, who has Kyle?" Stan followed up.

Doc put her hands behind her back and paced the floor. "We're refugees from another planet. You see, something really bad is about to happen on Homeworld." She looked around the hallway, at the students walking by. "There was this prophecy, you see. A prophecy that an apocalypse event would come to pass on a planet inhabited by Gems. This prophecy was compiled into a memo, and the Diamonds met to decide what to do about it. Blue and White told Yellow not to release the memo. And Yellow was like, 'why not?' And they were like, 'because it'll freak everyone out and we don't want to do that until we know what's going on.' And Yellow Diamond's closest advisers were like, 'don't release the memo'. And her top intelligence Gems were like, 'don't release the memo'. And all of her generals were like, 'don't release the memo.'

"So what did she do next? She released the memo. And like, that was bad enough, but then the OPPOSITION to the memo prepared a counter-memo, and now people are freaking out about that. So there's a COUNTER-COUNTER-memo going around now, and the opposition to THAT memo is preparing a counter-counter-counter-memo. Soon, there may even be a counter-counter-counter-counter-memo. It's an endless counter-cycle of counter-memos. And the reality of it is that the memos don't actually say anything, the first memo was just four pages of worthless text that make no cases, but nobody cares, do they? They just care that the word 'memo' is being thrown around.

"We didn't want to be caught up in the panic, so we fled. But we were followed. And now the people following us have Kyle, because they thought he was one of us."

"So where are they now?" Stan asked.

"They've likely stowed him away in their ship, to interrogate him. The kidnappers, Aquamarine and Topaz, they're really crafty and really dangerous. They're probably planning something absolutely heinous to try and get us."

Around the corner, Nathan, Mimsy, Aquamarine, and Topaz snuck up on our heroes. Nathan held a comically oversized butterfly net, which he handed to Aquamarine. "Alright, Aquamarine," he said, smiling smugly. "Those Rubies won't know what hit them."

"You want me to capture them with a net?" Aquamarine asked. "That's absurd."

"What's absurd is trying the same thing more than once and expecting a different result," Nathan retorted. "I'm retarded, and I know that. Have you ever TRIED this before?"

"I must say, I haven't."

"So you don't know it doesn't work. Watch and learn."

Stan grabbed Kenny and Cartman. "Come on, guys. We gotta go save Kyle."

The group walked past the intersecting hallway, not noticing the others. "Alright… go!" Nathan directed. Aquamarine swung the net. They got somebody.

It was not any of the Rubies. It was Vice Principal Strong Woman, who was just behind the boys. She glanced around, and stared at Nathan and Aquamarine, who were still holding the net. "What are you two doing?" she asked.

"Uh…" Nathan tried to think of a cover. "I like to swing the net!" he yelled, once again playing up his disability. "Yaaaaay, net…"

Strong Woman just sighed and closed her eyes. "Yes, Nathan, it's a very nice net. Excuse me, I must be going," she excused herself, pulling the net off of her and leaving.

Aquamarine was dumbfounded. "They just let you get away with that?"

"Come on. I have another plan," Nathan said, leading his companions in the other direction.

The boys and the Rubies walked past Wendy's locker. "We don't have any time to waste!" Doc said. "If we want to save your friend, we have to get back to the ship, quickly."

Wendy raised an eyebrow. "What's going on?"

"Kyle's been kidnapped," Stan answered. "They were trying to get these guys," he gestured to the Rubies, "and they got him instead."

"Kidnapped? Do you know where they took him?"

"No, we need to look for a spaceship."

Wendy closed her locker. "I'll help. But if we're looking for a spaceship, shouldn't THEY be hiding?" she gestured to the Rubies. "Otherwise, we're leading them straight to the bad guy."

"Good th-thinking, Wendy!" Jimmy praised. "Me and Timmy will lead the Rubies to a safe place. Y-you, Stan, Kenny, and Eric can go find Kyle." The group split up to do their thing. Cartman tapped on Stan's shoulder.

"So, Kyle's missing," he said.

"Yeah."

"And that's a problem, because…?"

Stan glared at Cartman. "He's our friend, fatass."

"Right, right, but we could always just get a new friend."

"What, you want to replace him with Butters?"

Cartman thought about that for a moment. Replace somebody with Butters? That's a no-go. "Yeah, you're right, we better save Kyle."

Kenny glared at Cartman. "You didn't have any problem replacing ME with Butters, fatass."

"What?" Stan tilted his head. "When did we replace YOU with Butters?"

"When I had muscular dystrophy."

Stan rolled his eyes. "Kenny, if you had muscular dystrophy, you'd be dead."

Kenny sighed, and decided to just drop the subject entirely.

Once the boys stepped out of the school, Wendy stopped them. "Wait. Do we even know WHERE the spaceship is?"

"Gee, Wendy, you're right," Cartman mocked. "How ARE we going to find a big UFO that sticks out like a sore thumb?"

"You know what I meant, fatass," Wendy said, glaring. "South Park is a big place. The ship could be ANYWHERE."

Suddenly, Tweek and Craig walked by, holding hands. "Hey, did you guys see the big alien spaceship?" Craig asked. "It was pretty cool."

The kids looked at each other, then back at Craig. "Where did you see it?" Stan asked.

"On Main Street, just across from Tom's Rhinoplasty."

"Thanks, Craig," Stan said, leading the way as he, Wendy, Cartman, and Kenny ran off.


Nathan poked his head out of the bush he was hiding in. "Alright, there they are," he pointed out. Aquamarine, Topaz, and Mimsy poked their heads out as well to see Jimmy, Timmy, and the Rubies making their way down the sidewalk.

"Th-this way!" Jimmy directed. "You'll be s-s-safe at my house."

"Timmy!"

"Not for long…" Nathan said, smiling smugly. "Okay. This plan is brilliant. They won't know what hit them."

"Do tell," Aquamarine said, rolling her eyes.

"Take a closer look," Nathan replied. He pointed to a pile of leaves on the sidewalk. "I had Mimsy and Topaz go on ahead, and lay a trap for them."

"We dug that hole real good, boss!" Mimsy said enthusiastically. Topaz nodded affirmatively.

"The second they step on those leaves," Nathan continued, "they're going to fall right into the hole underneath."

The villainous quartet watched in anticipation as their soon-to-be victims approached the hole. They stopped briefly in front of it.

"What's wrong?" Navy asked.

Jimmy sneezed. "Nothing. Let's g-go!" Jimmy stepped on the leaves… and nothing happened. He walked across, unharmed. The others behind him did the same thing. At one point, all four Rubies were on the hole, but the leaves still didn't fall underneath them. They all walked across, completely unscathed, and continued on their way.

Nathan just stared at the hole in shock. Aquamarine gave him a blank stare. "So, uh, was something supposed to happen?"

Nathan jumped out of the bush and walked over to the hole. "What happened? Mimsy, I told you to dig a hole!"

Mimsy nodded excitedly. "You sure did, boss! We dug a REAL good hole."

"You ALSO asked us to make sure the leaves hid the hole completely," Topaz continued. "That was a little bit tougher, but we found out that if we filled the hole with leaves and packed it REALLY tightly, you ALMOST couldn't tell there was a hole there!"

Nathan just stared at Mimsy and Topaz. "So you made a bridge."

Topaz nodded. "Yup! Were we… not supposed to do that?"

Nathan's face fell. Suddenly, he got really mad and started stomping on the leaves. "God! Damn! It! Mim! Sy! Can't! Fucking! Do! Any! Thing! Right!" Suddenly, the leaves caved in, and Nathan fell into the hole. "AHH, MIMSYYYYY!" He hit the ground, a painful 'thud' coming from the bottom of the hole.

Aquamarine approached the hole. "Are you dead?" Nathan groaned from the bottom of the hole. "Well then quit whining and get up, we have work to do!"

Later, Nathan, Mimsy, Aquamarine, and Topaz stood by the church. Nathan sported several comical injuries, bruises, bandages, and all. "Okay, Aquamarine, this time, we've got them for sure," Nathan said. "On the wall, I've painted a tunnel. Using precise perspective and shading techniques, I've made the tunnel look realer the life. Jimmy is going to run right into it… and poof. The Rubies are yours."

"Gee, boss, I think I've seen this in a cartoon before somewhere," Mimsy said shortly before getting hit.

"Shut up, Mimsyyy! Here they come! Quick, you two, hide." Aquamarine and Topaz did as told, and hid. Jimmy, Timmy, and the Rubies walked by. "Oh, hey, Jim," Nathan said casually. "What are you up to?"

"Oh, hi, Nathan," Jimmy greeted. "I'm just leading the Rubies to a safe place."

"Wow. That's pretty noble. Hey, I know a shortcut."

Jimmy smiled. "G-gee, Nathan, that's fant-ta-tastic!"

"You better hurry. The people chasing you could be anywhere."

"Got it!" Jimmy said. "You heard him, gang! Start r-r-running!" The Rubies started running towards the wall. To Nathan's shock… the plan actually worked. The Rubies all hit the wall, piling onto each other. They were too dazed to do anything else, and collapsed.

"Holy shit," Nathan muttered.

"Gee, boss, one of our plans actually worked for once!" Mimsy commented. He recoiled as Nathan jumped up to hit him… but there was no contact.

"Shut… no, Mimsy, you're right!" Nathan said, grinning. "We did it! We finally did something right!"

"Got you!" Aquamarine yelled as she and Topaz jumped out from behind the wall. Topaz grabbed the unconscious Rubies, unfused, then refused, trapping all of them between her two halves.

"What's g-going on?!" Jimmy asked, turning to watch in horror as Aquamarine and Topaz picked up the Rubies. Before he could get an answer, however, Nathan got behind Jimmy and smacked his head with a rock, knocking him out. Mimsy did the same to Timmy, who had no time at all to react.

"We did it, Mimsy!" Nathan cheered. "We finally won!"

"Yes, and these humans will make a fine addition to the zoo," Aquamarine said, smirking. "Topaz." Topaz approached and picked up Jimmy and Timmy.

"Great, now uh… where's my reward?" Nathan asked. He frowned when Aquamarine started laughing.

"Hahahaha! Oh, darling, that's adorable," she said. "Come on, Topaz, make haste." She and Topaz started walking away.

"Wait, wait, hang on, you said there'd be a reward."

Aquamarine sighed, but didn't turn around. She simply turned her head slightly to show she was addressing Nathan. "I lied, simple as that," she said. She added, "Really, the fact that you believed me is proof enough that you humans are all unfathomably stupid. Look at it like this. I'm NOT going to take you two to the zoo. That's reward enough, isn't it? Now if you don't mind, I really must be going. Ta-ta."

Nathan and Mimsy stared and frowned as Aquamarine and Topaz made their getaway. Once they were gone, Nathan felt… kind of bad. "Mimsy… there's this… feeling, deep down in my chest. A feeling that something isn't right. Like… there's some kind of weight, or something, right over my lungs."

"Gee, boss, I think that's called 'guilt'," Mimsy said. "Maybe we SHOULDN'T have helped those two."

"...holy shit. This SUCKS."


Stan, Kenny, Cartman, and Wendy made it to Main Street. "There it is!" Stan yelled, pointing to the spaceship. "Kyle's on there, you guys, let's go!" They started running towards it… but once they got to it, it started moving.

"What the fuck?!" Kenny yelled.

"Look!" Wendy said, pointing to the front of the ship.

Officer Barbrady was now sitting in a tow truck, chuckling to himself as he hauled off the ship. "Dohohoho, this'll show them! Nobody's going to break the law on my watch!" The ship's landing gear left deep gouges in the street as it moved along.

"Shit!" Stan yelled, as he and his friends followed the tow truck. "Officer Barbrady, wait up!"

Stan's mother, Sharon, stepped out of Tom's Rhinoplasty after a long day of work. She sighed, grabbing the keys out of her jacket and locking the door. Since moving up to management, her days had gotten longer, leaving her with less time for the kids. She heard her son yell, and looked up. "Stanley?" she said, watching as her son and his friends followed Officer Barbrady's tow truck. Where were they going?

Aquamarine and Topaz showed up, and watched as their ship was carried away. "No!" Aquamarine yelled, pushing Sharon out of the way as she flew past. Nathan and Mimsy ran by a second later.

"Boss, we're not gonna catch up to it!"

"Shut up, Mimsyyy, we'll be fine!"


The Park County Impound Lot was full of cars that had been taken by Officer Barbrady for a number of offenses. He continued to chuckle as he pulled into the lot. He got out of the truck. "Now you stay right here," Barbrady said, walking off to go issue more tickets to more law-breakers.

Stan ran towards the lot, but was stopped by Wendy. "Stan! Look!" Stan looked where she was pointing, and saw two aliens approach the ship. He raised his eyebrows.

"Shit! They got Jimmy and Timmy!"

Aquamarine groaned. "This is NOT a very good day," she said, pressing buttons on the keypad. The door opened, and she and Topaz stepped inside.

"Okay, let's go!" Stan directed. He and his friends moved towards the ship. Nathan and Mimsy arrived shortly afterwards.

"There it is, boss!"

"Let's go, Mimsy, we don't have much time." They, too, stepped into the ship.

Stan, Wendy, Kenny, and Cartman walked around the ship's interior. "Jesus, this thing is HUGE!" Stan said. "Kyle! Kyle, are you in here?!"

"Over here!" Stan heard a nasally voice from a nearby cell. The group moved towards it, and saw Kyle sitting behind a yellow force field with Jimmy, Timmy, and the Rubies. "Thank god you guys came! I overheard the aliens when they brought these guys onboard! They're taking us to… some kind of zoo!"

"Don't worry, Kyle, we're gonna find a way to get you out of there," Stan said.

"Don't bother," Navy said glumly. "We're doomed."

"Not yet, you aren't!" Nathan said, approaching the force field.

"N-Nathan?" Jimmy said, confused.

"Timmy?"

Nathan nodded. "That bitch tricked me. Nobody tricks me."

Wendy crossed her arms and examined the forcefield. "How are we going to bring this thing down?" she pondered to herself. "Is it electrified?" She tried to tap it, and to her amazement, her fingers passed right through the forcefield. "Huh?"

Confused, Doc tilted her head. She, too, raised her hand to tap the forcefield, and was immediately shocked when she came in contact with it. "Ow! Son of a…"

Wendy's eyes widened. "Oh. Oh, that's interesting."

"What?" Stan asked.

"It looks like the forcefield was meant to entrap their own kind only," she said, gesturing to Doc. "It doesn't affect humans at all!"

Kyle blinked. "It doesn't?" He passed his arm through it, much to his shock. "Whoa, cool!" He passed completely through the forcefield, totally unscathed. "Jimmy, Timmy, come on!"

"I'm n-not leaving them," Jimmy responded, gesturing to the Rubies.

"Timmy."

"You don't have to," Nathan replied. "Mimsy. You know what to do."

Mimsy grinned, and nodded. "Sure thing, boss!" Mimsy stepped under the forcefield and extended his arms, leaving a gap underneath him big enough for the Rubies to step under.

"Alright, come on, let's go!" Nathan said, pulling the Rubies through the gap. Jimmy and Timmy followed them. "Is that everyone? Alright, let's get out of here before the ship takes off." Jimmy, Timmy, Nathan, Mimsy, and the Rubies ran down the halls, towards the exit.

Stan followed. "Come on, guys, let's go!" The boys and Wendy followed the others to the exit. They were already waiting outside.

"C-come on, hurry!" Jimmy shouted. Just then, several cars pulled up to the impound lot.

"Oh my god, Randy, look!" Sharon said, pointing to the ship.

"Jesus!" Randy yelled. "Stan!" He and Sharon stepped out of the car. They were joined by Sheila and Gerald Broflovski and Liane Cartman.

"What's going on?!" Sheila asked. She looked over at the ship, and saw Kyle inside. "Kyle! Oh my god!"

The boys approached the door… which promptly shut. "Shit!" Stan yelled.

"What's going on?!" Wendy asked, losing her balance as the ship began to shake. "Agh!"

"You guys, this is SUPER weak!" Cartman yelled, panicking. "Is this some kind of sick fucking prank?! Kyle?!"

"It isn't a prank, Cartman!" Kyle yelled. "I think- I think the ship's taking off!"

"Come on, let's get to the command deck, or the cockpit, or SOMETHING!" Stan said. "Maybe we can turn this thing around!"

Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Wendy ran down the ship's halls once again, finding a flight of stairs. They climbed up the stairs and skidded to a stop, watching as Aquamarine tapped controls on a screen in front of her.

"I swear, this ordeal better have been worth it," she muttered. "I suppose we should drop the humans off at the ZOO, first. That's closer."

Stan raised an eyebrow. "What zoo?" he muttered.

"Guys?" Wendy said, calling the boys' attention to a nearby window. "I… I don't think we're getting back anytime soon."

The boys all approached the window, staring at the planet as they got further away. It slowly got smaller and smaller in a sea of black, soon becoming a speck amongst the stars.

"Oh my god," Kyle said, putting his hand over his stomach. He felt like he was going to be sick. "Oh my god..."

The kids continued to stare out the window as the ship entered hyperspace.