Not enamored with her therapy sessions in general, Rosemary particularly disliked these times, the ones spent in Sickbay. She found it hard to believe that Beverly was a doctor and had spent most of her time here. 'How could anybody do that?' Even a few minutes made Rosemary uncomfortable.

The fact that the staff always seemed to be watching her did little to help. 'Looking for Beverly, no doubt, like everyone else.'

Today was quiet, with two people in for physicals and an assortment of crewmembers who had gotten carried away during some game.

Some of these people were in pain, which pushed Rosemary's anxiety up another notch. Pain was what usually brought people to Sickbay, but it still bothered her. Glancing around at the occupied biobeds, her skin began to crawl... and there was never enough air in here. "Can we go now?" she pleaded, rubbing her hands up and down her arms to ward off the chill she invariably felt.

"How are you feeling?" Judith asked.

"You ask me that every time, and every time I tell you I hate it in here! I don't understand why I have to do this. There's so much pain..." The shadows in her eyes made it clear she was not reacting to the actual scene around her.

Judith let her hand rest lightly on the other woman's arm, trying to call her back from the dark vision she was seeing without losing the memory. "Rosemary?"

The muted sounds of Sickbay were suddenly overwhelmed by the arrival of more than half a dozen members of the Engineering department. The room erupted into controlled pandemonium as able-bodied personnel assisted injured crewmates while detailing the accident the repair crew had suffered.

A moment later, the door hissed open again, and Geordi La Forge staggered in with another one. The man's strength gave out before they could reach a biobed, and he collapsed to the floor, dragging Geordi down with him.

Instantly, Rosemary had grabbed a tricorder from a nearby shelf and was kneeling next to him, running the scanner over the injured man. Along with the burns on his hands and several broken bones, a long gash marred his face. It angled across his forehead, through his left eyebrow, skipping mercifully over his eye to continue down the curve of his cheek, ending just in front of his ear.

Rosemary's eyes darted between the patient and the read-out as she made an adjustment then passed the instrument over his face again. She glanced up to find Geordi watching her. The VISOR covering his eyes in no way hid the expression behind it - a look of complete trust.

She froze.

Geordi saw the confusion on her face. "Go ahead, Doc," he urged reassuringly, "you're doing fine."

She felt a tidal wave of panic rise within her, blurring her vision, choking off her air. The tricorder fell from limp fingers as her mind's eye filled with terrifying images.

Judith's sharp voice calling her name shattered the image, and Rosemary skittered sideways, away from the man on the floor, muttering unintelligibly.

Kneeling in front of her, Judith blocked Rosemary's view of the rest of the room. "Rosemary?" she said, softly this time. When there was no response, she hastily called for an emergency beam-out to her office and wrapped a consoling arm around the distraught woman's shoulders.

Just before the transporter gripped them, Judith turned to see tormented blue eyes staring into her green ones. She leaned in, barely making out the whispered words.

"I didn't do it. I didn't hurt him... It wasn't my fault..."

x~x

Late that afternoon, the senior staff convened in the Observation lounge to discuss Rosemary's case. Picard allowed the two counselors to conduct the meeting and the other officers to raise the concerns he didn't want to give voice to.

"You can almost see when it happens," Geordi said, "but it's as though she doesn't realize that she's remembered something until it's pointed out to her. Like with the tricorder in Sickbay... she just picked it up and started treating Lt. Zeile."

Deanna nodded. "For Beverly, practicing medicine is a conditioned reflex. In a crisis, she goes on automatic."

"Then why don't the memories and abilities stay with her once she realizes what's happened?" As a witness to the disturbing scene, Geordi seemed almost desperate for some kind of understanding.

"Some of them do," Judith acknowledged, "but not the ones connected with medicine."

"Because that's what the Egelloc used against her?"

Judith confirmed Will's supposition then turned as Data spoke.

"I am puzzled about one thing, Counselor McKenna. Rosemary does not seem to be eager to return to her life as Dr. Crusher. In fact, she has been quite adamant about not doing so. Why would a person not wish to know who they are?"

At that, Picard leaned forward. Deanna was the only one who saw and understood the meaning behind the movement. She knew the Captain was deeply frightened by even the remotest possibility that Beverly might never return.

"It's not Rosemary who is fighting the return but Beverly," Judith replied. "If, as we suspect, the Egelloc altered her memories, then she has been made to believe that she did some very terrible things - probably to her closest friends. Beverly feels guilty for 'hurting' you and can't accept that you were not injured or that you would forgive her. Rosemary is a sort of gatekeeper, and as long as she is here, Beverly doesn't have to face what happened to her."

Will smoothed his beard to cover his worried frown. "What is making the memories return, if she's so against facing them?

"Amnesia is a self-defense mechanism, protecting Beverly from what she isn't able to handle right now. As with any major injury - in this case mental rather than physical - a gradual return is the best way to insure a full recovery. Piece by piece, Beverly's memory should return, in stages that she will be able to deal with... pleasant ones first followed by increasingly difficult ones. It's not going to be easy for her - or for us." Judith paused to look around the table, making sure they understood the enormity of the situation. "We have to be prepared to lose a lot of ground with Rosemary before she starts to work through the memories."

-tbc-