***ENGLISH ISN'T MY LANGUAGE***
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Everything I ever did was just another way to scream your name…
OWEN
Although I know where I'm going I'm still driving through the city postponing the arrival to my destination. Leo sleeps peacefully in his baby seat making soft noises. Soon I'll have to place one more baby seat in the car. A huge smile is drawn on my face. A baby. I'll have a baby. Teddy and I are going to have a baby. Leo will have a brother or sister. Or maybe not. Child Services hasn't told me anything about going from being a foster parent to being an adoptive parent, and deep down I know that he'll be back with his mother soon, that's partly why I'm with Amelia, helping Betty to stay clean.
God. Amelia. What am I going to tell her? I need some advice and I need it now. Without losing more time I take the road that leads me to where I want to go. I have to talk to my mother.
While I wait for her to open the door with Leo in my arms chills run through my body, I don't know how I'll begin to explain her all this mess I made, I fear what she'll say, what she'll think. I know she'll be happy with the news of the baby, she loves Teddy. But what will she say when she knows what happened in Germany? The reason why Teddy kicked me out of her house. What will she say about me living with Amelia again after that? Before my thoughts could go further my mother opens the door surprised to see me standing there.
"Owen! What are you doing here?!"
"Mom... I need an advice." I say huffing. Defeated.
"Come on, son."
I come into the house and while I take a sleeping Leo to the room she makes two cups of tea. Soon we are both in the living room facing each other.
"An advice on what?"
"Mom, I... I don't even know where to start..."
"Owen, you're scaring me. What did you do?"
"It's Teddy, mom."
Her eyes open wide. "What's wrong with her? Is she sick?"
"No mom, she... she's pregnant."
She puffs in relief. "Son you scared me, I thought it was something worse. But wait, why do you want an advice? You are the…?"
I don't let her end when I nod slowly.
"Oh, that's... when did that happen? Teddy is not even in the country."
"Oh, she's now back in town, but I went to Germany to look for her."
"But when was that? I mean, you've been fostering Leo and living with Amelia and that girl for two months."
"I went about three months ago and that's the problem mom. I came back from Germany and immediately embarked on being a father and being with Amelia and she... she came back a few days ago to tell me everything and when she saw me with Amelia... mom, you should've seen her face, or not, it's better didn't. I know her, she tried to play it cool but I could see the pain in her eyes and thinking in hindsight that day she was going to tell me about the baby and... I hurt her mom, I hurt her so much".
My mother looks at me with an impassive face, I can't pick up anything from her expression. I don't know if she's surprised or upset. Even being her son I know she'll be upset with me when I tell her the whole story.
"So, you went to see Teddy, you traveled to Germany just for her and you were with her... Why?"
"Because Amelia told me."
"Oh, so if Amelia tells you to jump off a bridge or throw yourself into the train tracks, you do it."
"No mom, I didn't explain myself well... she, she made me see how much Teddy means to me and she was right... mom, all this time I've always loved Teddy, she is the only one that has always been there for me and now... She is carrying my child, mom".
"If you love Teddy, what do you do with Amelia? But first answer me, what are you and Amelia? Are you back as a couple?"
I'm speechless for a moment. I don't know what to answer I don't know what Amelia and I are. We are... together? That's what we are. We are together.
"Owen? What are you doing with Amelia? "
"I..." I don't know, I don't know what I'm doing with Amelia beyond helping Betty and taking care of Leo. Yes, I told her I wanted the strings, but how to start tying the strings if we can't even tie a label between us?
She takes a sip of her tea and looks me straight in the eye. "You've never known how to be alone Owen, since you were a child. You always had to be accompanied, you followed Megan everywhere with the excuse of taking care of her, but it was not to be alone. Then when you started dating girls, you never spent more than two months in a row without a girlfriend".
"Teddy told me that I've a pathological need to be coupled up." I say almost in a whisper without being able to look her in the eyes.
"And she's right. You were also impulsive. Always. You were never satisfied, you always wanted more. Each new impulse was 'the best impulse of your life'" She quotes with her fingers. "It was the best impulse until something new came, something more attractive. And part of that was my fault, I never taught you how to deal properly with frustration."
"What?! No mom, this is not your fault, this is just my fault. I said and did things I should never have said or done and now I hurt Teddy and I'm sure I'm going to hurt Amelia too."
"And not just them, now there are children involved Owen."
"I don't know what to do mom. I'm committed to Amelia and the children, but Teddy... "
"I think you've come to the wrong person, son. You know that Teddy has always been my favorite girl, more now that I know she'll give me a grandchild. And Amelia... don't take me wrong she's a good woman, now. But have you forgotten everything that happened when you were married?"
"That was the product of the tumor mom, you know it".
"I'm sorry Owen but you can't blame all her actions to the tumor. She ran away the day of your wedding, first she told you she wanted a big family and then that she didn't want children. Then she leaves you and goes and hides and on top of all that she was never by your side when Megan came back, tell me Owen, was all that the tumor? Are you one hundred percent sure she will not do it again?"
"I don't know mom."
"What will you do son?"
"I expected you to tell me." I answer sheepishly.
"I can't tell you what to do, Owen. Only you know what you feel. I just want you to answer me. Why did you come back from Germany to be with Amelia if you love Teddy?"
I can't bring myself to say it, although I know it's useless. I know my mother asked me that question because she already knows the answer. Pierce also asked me a similar question and I also couldn't answer her. There is no need to continue hiding it. I can't keep hiding it. Teddy was right. My mother is right.
"Because I was lonely." I say almost in a whisper and looking at the ground. I don't want to see the shame on my mother's face.
"Do you think Amelia deserves this? Do you think Teddy and your child deserve this? Owen, you're not a kid anymore, you're about to be a father. You're already a father to Leo! You must stop being so selfish and reckless."
She is upset, I can tell in her voice. I still can't look her in the face.
"Anyway, Teddy doesn't want anything with me mom. She is aware of my situation with Amelia and doesn't want me to end things with her just because she's carrying my baby."
"Yes. It sounds like Teddy. But you can't leave Amelia and the children, just like that, Owen."
"I know mom! But... I want to be with Teddy too, I want to live this experience with her, complete. You should see her mom, she... she's glowing". Suddenly I feel like a little boy telling his mother about his favorite thing in the whole world. "She has this little baby bump, I mean, you know Teddy, she's tiny, so her little belly is really showing up and she... mom, she left me place my hand on it". I can't help but chuckle as I remember how I felt as I placed my hand on the soft skin of her belly. "My whole hand was covering her belly a-a-and... I want to be there mom! I want to be there at every medical appointment, when the baby kicks for the first time and every time it does, when I can't even wrap my arms around her waist, I want to be there, for everything. And not just for the baby, I want to be there for her. Because it's her. If it were any other woman I'd be willing to co-parenting with her, but with Teddy... there was a time when I dreamed about this mom, with her."
"I think you just gave yourself the answer you were looking for. But it won't be easy, I know Teddy and you know her too, she won't let you end things with Amelia."
"I know mom."
"You need to talk to Amelia."
"I know".
"She is a good woman son. She'll understand. Maybe she'll help you do the right thing."
"But what about Teddy? She will not forgive me if she knows I broke up with Amelia."
"You also need to talk to Teddy. With her more than anyone. I don't know what happened between you two in Germany and I don't want to know either. I don't want to know what you did to her. But talk to her, open your heart to her, tell her how you feel and ask her how she feels, talk only about you two, not about Leo, Amelia or anything else, just about you two, you two and your child."
My mother is right. She is always right.
"I don't know how I'll tell Amelia."
"She is good and smart." I nod solemnly. "But tell me, how's Teddy? How far along is she?" Her voice is cheerful and I can already tell that she is happy, probably she was holding all this time to show her enthusiasm. I can't keep my lips from smile widely at her question and her enthusiasm. But then I remember the blood clot and my smile fades a little. Although I know that Teddy is taking proper care, I can't help but worry. One more reason to want to be with her. I decide not to say anything to my mother about the blood clot, I know how much she cares about Teddy and I don't want to worry her.
"Good". I chuckle. "If my calculations are right she's around 10 or 12 weeks."
"Wow, then she's due in December. A Christmas baby! Teddy loves Christmas." She says smiling so sweetly.
Oh my God, I hadn't thought about it, it's true. Our baby is due in December, Teddy loves Christmas and I love seeing her love for Christmas. See her eyes shine with the lights, see her excited to choose just the right tree and buy just the right ornaments, see her choose and wrap the gifts, light hundreds of scented apple-cinnamon candles, bake gingerbread cookies and make punch... watch her enjoy the snow. Knowing that in a few months we will live all this while we welcome our baby... I imagine sitting in front of the Christmas tree with her snuggled up in my arms, just like we did in Germany, but this time with our little boy or girl in her arms while we admire the lights and talk about everything and nothing... while outside the snow falls. A knot forms in my throat and my sigh is clouded with pooled tears.
My mother gets up from her seat and takes the place next to me, taking my cold hands between her warm ones and she looks at me with eyes full of love, mother's love.
"Despite all this messy situation I'm so happy for you, son. You are being great with Leo and I know that you'll also be an excellent father to that baby. I know I'll sound biased but I can't help it, Teddy is my girl! But I'm so happy that it's with her. Megan will be thrilled."
"Oh damn, Megan! Mom, please don't tell her anything until I've talked to Teddy."
"Count on it… and congratulations." We both smile and hug each other. Finally, my tears run down my cheeks. This was just what I needed and although I know I still have to rip a couple of band aids having spoken with my mother really cleared my mind.
TEDDY
The next morning when I wake up the sun shines bright and high through the large window of my room. I don't know what time it is I just know that I slept like I hadn't practically since before Owen came looking for me in the middle of the night. Yesterday after he left I spent a long time thinking. I'm so scared. I'm so scared to cause some havoc in his relationship. Scared of being pointed as the bad one in this situation. Obviously the whole hospital will be on her side. I'll be the woman who came to interrupt that tranquility.
Stop thinking about it Theodora. Owen is not going to leave Amelia. You asked for it. Everything will be fine. You are doing this for and for your child, nothing more. But am I really doing this just for my child? No, the truth is I'm not. I'm also doing it for Owen. I can't help it, after all I still love him and part of my love for him is to see him happy. It's the least he deserves after all the hell he went through, hell I witness. So yes, I also do it for him. I just want to see him happy, even if his happiness is at my expense.
I rub my eyes and reach out my arm to grab my cell phone. My eyes open wide when I see the time, 12:40 pm. I slept for more than 14 hours straight! Not that I've anything to do, but it amazes me how I could sleep for so long, I think the last time I slept for so many uninterrupted hours was when I was in high school.
"You really needed a break, isn't it sweet pea?" I say out loud as I bring my hand to my belly rubbing my every day bigger bump. I'm in no hurry to go anywhere and apparently this morning my tiny human has decided not to take me running to the bathroom to vomit so I stay there in bed for a while. One arm resting over my head and my other hand on my belly drawing smooth patterns in a circle. I could do this all day long.
Despite all my fears and reservations from the previous day today I feel really good. Happy could I say? Yes, I'm happy. I feel good and I'm happy. Having told Owen about our baby made me feel good, I'll deal with the rest later but today I feel good. I even feel the like going out, to leave this place for the first time since I returned to lock myself here after that fateful day in the hospital. I shudder to remember it. No, today not Teddy, today you are happy.
After a while I get out of bed and take a long hot shower, I let the water fall on my head and my shoulders relaxing my muscles even more. I laugh when I look down and I can still see my feet, in a couple of months my toes will only be a memory. I leave the shower completely renovated.
While I put on my underwear I can notice how my bra feels a little tighter. Soon I'll have to buy new ones without a doubt. Looking for what to wear I find my camera and I remember it's been a while since the last time I recorded a video for my child. I'll do that later, I've a lot of things to tell it, for the moment I take my cell phone and stand sideways in front of the mirror taking a photo of my belly's evolution. It's growing day by day and that makes me feel so excited. So excited until I try to put on my jeans.
"What?! Are you kidding me!?" I say out loud when I notice that the zip of my jeans doesn't go up beyond half way, let alone button them. "They fit perfectly a week ago!" I try to prove other, and other, and other pair of jeans and it's the same. Until I remember that article I read about hacks to keep using your regular clothes as much as possible during pregnancy. The old hack with the hair tie. I wear a black turtleneck sweater that manages to cover my little hack perfectly. Ready to go outside.
I look in the mirror before leaving. I stand sideways and cradle my belly, it's really growing by day. I look at the coat I was thinking of wearing, but I decide not to. I know it's something childish and probably nobody will be interested to see another pregnant woman in the street, but suddenly I feel so full, so happy, so beautiful with these changes that my body is having that I want to show them to the world, I want to show the world how life is growing inside of me. So I just take my handbag and my cell phone and go outside. Me and my tiny human are starving.
After having breakfast, or rather lunch, I decide to take a walk in the park. I remember a few days ago when I arrived in Seattle as I looked at everything with different eyes, with mother's eyes. Will this be my favorite park to bring my child? It is a beautiful park, huge green areas and playgrounds, it's not hard to imagine me walking around with a stroller, sitting on a bench and maybe even making friends with other moms. Or run behind my little munchkin all over the playground. Or just walk around the park eating cotton candy or ice cream. Maybe Owen can come with us.
I walk through the park smiling from ear to ear, with one hand holding my handbag to my shoulder and the other placed gently on my belly. I take a seat on a bench under a tree and watch the children playing in the jungle gym. Shortly after my cell phone rings. Is him. As if I had called him with my mind. I read his message and my heart skips a beat...
