La Douleur Exquise

The heart-wrenching pain of wanting the affection of someone unattainable.

Chapter nine

I woke to the sound of loud voices echoing through the bunker's corridors. Groaning I sat up, my head feeling like it was going to implode in on itself and I lay back down again covering my eyes with my forearm. Fuck, I thought, a wave of nausea passing through me as I remembered drinking an entire bottle of whiskey. That was all I seemed to remember for now which was just as well because I guarantee I did or said something stupid. Whiskey was not my friend.

I needed water. And painkillers. A lot of painkillers. Sitting up again I swung my legs out from under the covers, shuffling slowly out of bed, noticing just what I needed on my bedside table.

Dean.

Smiling, I grabbed the tablets, swallowing them with the glass of water he left me. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes, wincing as their voices seemed to get louder. "What the hell are they arguing about now," I muttered to myself, pissed that they had woke me up, stopping short just before the doorway of the library when I heard what they were talking about.

"She loves you, you dumbass, Has for months now and you can't see it?" Dean said, exasperation clear in his voice.

"See what Dean?" Sam said, "I don't see anything other than a normal friendship."

"Then you're fucking blind. I have to watch her pine for you, watch while she loves you so much, she'd do anything for you. And I can't do it anymore, I just can't...I can't..."

I took a small step forward as quietly as I could, pressing myself into the wall.

"She's my friend Dean. I love her like a sister, nothing more."

Silence.

My hand flew up to cover my mouth, and I choked back a sob that threatened to escape, blinking back the tears filling my eyes. Now I knew for certain Sam didn't love me. Seeing me as nothing more than a friend. But then, I always knew deep down, I just refused to acknowledge it. It didn't stop my heart from aching though and I looked down at the floor, keeping my hand over my mouth.

The silence lingered on and I could hear the buzzing of the lights overhead, the ticking of the clock hanging on the wall as I waited for one of them to speak. My heart was pounding and I was desperately trying not to cry, what I just heard being too much for me to process. Why wasn't I good enough for him? Why didn't he love me? Was there something wrong with me? Maybe I was just too ugly, or not intelligent enough for him, I was nothing to him.

"You need to tell her. You need to tell her how you feel, you need to make this right." Dean said quietly.

A hollow sounding noise echoed through the library, like someone had just thrown a book onto the table, making me jump.

"And how do you propose I do that? Just come right out and say it? Oh, hi Ada, just wanted to tell you that I only love you as a friend. I don't want to hurt her."

"You already are. And I can't carry on watching it destroy her."

More silence.

Knowing the truth, as much as I was upset and questioning why he didn't love me, I wasn't reacting the way I thought I should be. I should be devastated, running to my room to cry in my pillow, a black cloud of depression and sadness settling over me. Did that mean I didn't truly love Sam? Did I ever love him?

"You're in love with her."

I peered through the doorway, just about seeing Dean's face scrunch up in confusion. "What? No, she's my friend."

Sam tilted his head, staring at Dean. "Yeah, you do. She might thinks she's in love with me but it's you. And I think it's always been you." Sam said. "Dean, the way she lights up when you walk into a room, she's never been like that with me. She will always gravitate towards her. The way you two react when you're together, the flirting and the joking around...when it's just us, we joke and mess around but never to the extent she does with you Dean. That's probably why I didn't notice anything. Because it was always you."

Dean stood up, his chair scraping loudly against the floor. "Maybe I do love her, but nothing will ever come of it. I even told her last night, but she was so drunk she probably doesn't remember it Sammy. Despite what you said, she loves you, not me. And so, i'm in the same boat as she is. Loving someone I can't have. Ain't life peachy. It's for the best anyway, I won't put her in danger by being with me. She deserves better than that."

Hearing his heavy footsteps walking towards me, I sprinted down the corridor back to my room, gently closing the door before I leaned my head back against it and slid down to the floor, letting my head drop into my hands. I was breathing heavily and fighting the urge to vomit. My mind was reeling with what I'd just heard. The man I loved for the past few months only saw me as a friend. Or thought I loved? I was confused, trying to sort through what I was feeling or not feeling. Was I pushing aside what I had just heard so that it didn't hurt me any more than I already was?

And then I thought of Dean.

My Dean. My best friend. He had told Sam he loved me, and not just as a friend.

What am I supposed to do?

I thought back to all the times I'd been alone with Sam after my crush on him started and developed into love, and he was kind of right. I'd look at him a little longer than usual, but we'd act like normal friends act; making jokes, laughing, talking about hunts or whatever was in the news, plus the usual research for hunting down monsters. At first, I'd dream and fantasize about him, boy did I fantasize, but it had tapered off and now, most of my dreams involved Dean in one way or another.

But then I'd never had a friendship like the one I had with Dean, with anyone in my life.

Flashes of last night played in my mind; Dean helping me to my room, my atrocious attempt at flirting with him, asking him to stay with me for the night. And I kissed him. I had kissed my best friend.

I knew I needed to talk to them both, to listen to what Sam had to say to me and to, at least, try and figure out my feelings towards him. I had a lot of thinking to do, and there was no way I could do it with a hangover, so I climbed back into bed, drifting off into a fitful sleep.