We're starting a little differently this chapter and skipping straight to the afternoon. There's a lot to cover and I didn't want the chapter to run too long. It's inferred that Jeff had his solo counseling session that morning.
Trigger warning. Explicit mentions of self harm and suicide attempts. Please don't read this chapter if you are at risk of being unsafe because of these words. If you need to skip it but you are afraid that you will miss vital information, please send me a message via this site or Tumblr and I will summarize the details for you. I don't want anybody putting themselves at risk just to keep up with this story.
Disclaimer: I do not own the ideas in this story. I have never been to a 'straight camp' and am therefore not attempting to portray an exact replica of one. I do not own any characters you recognize.
Nick.
"I'm so over this group therapy crap."
Nick frowned as Jeff settled himself into a chair, crossing his arms defensively over his chest. His roommate had been particularly edgy since his counseling session that morning, and Nick almost wanted to ask what was wrong. But of course he never would, not while it continued to run a risk of attention being turned on himself and not when he had been silent all morning anyway. After the previous day, Nick actually didn't trust his words.
Blaine clearly didn't have the same qualms. "Jeff, what's going on?" he asked, sitting on the other side of the blonde boy.
"Nothing," Jeff bit out, staring at the wall. "Just... just sick of it."
Blaine swapped a concerned look with Nick before turning around quickly as Mr. Everitt entered, taking his usual seat. Nick suppressed a sigh, wondering what kind of stupid topic they were going to be talking about today. Just something we're all going to lie about obviously.
Scott wasn't even there to make things easier or lighten the mood - he and James had apparently been caught making out down by the lake when Jessica had gone looking for them after Scott had skipped his counseling session. Apparently it had been some kind of 'stick it to them' maneuver from the previous day. So it was just Joshua and Shane, who were nice enough but just sat quietly for the most part.
"Gentlemen, we have a particularly important topic to discuss today." Mr. Everitt clapped his hands, surveying the group with his usual stare and Nick started - when the hell had he gotten there? "You'll all remember that in our last group therapy session, we discussed depression as a result of sexuality and I asked how many people had struggled with this. I have been informed that someone wasn't honest during our session."
Jeff suddenly stiffened, his reaction confusing Nick for a second before he realized.
It was him.
Before Nick could begin to process what that meant, what Jeff had actually gone through, their counsellor was talking again. "There is one amongst our group who has been driven to the point of self mutilation and even attempting suicide because of how sickened he was with his sexuality."
Joshua and Shane immediately turned to each other and Nick could see the judgement on their faces already. Blaine looked confused but like he was ready to be angry if necessary. Nick himself was still struggling with the thought that this was Jeff they were talking about - does Jeff really hate himself that much?
Pieces were beginning to fall into place rapidly and Nick was beginning to feel sick.
"The person I am talking about is Mr. Sterling, who has -"
"Stop it!"
Jeff was on his feet, his face white. Nick instinctively reached out an arm but Jeff jerked away wildly. "Don't you dare make those kinds of - those assumptions about me! I was told our counseling sessions were private! And even if they weren't, I wouldn't have given up that information anyway, because I knew you'd do this - you're all liars!"
And with that, Jeff spun around, kicking over his chair in the process and fled the room.
In the moment of absolute silence that followed, Nick turned to Blaine who was looking as stunned as he felt. In unison they stood and turned, walking quickly out of the room. As soon as they were out, they broke into a run - Jeff had already made it back to the room (he presumed and hoped) and Nick was concerned for his safety. "Did you know?" he puffed out to Blaine as they bolted across the campsite, Blaine simply shaking his head in response.
The door was locked and they wasted precious time waiting for Blaine to dig his key out and finally get it in the lock to get the door open. Bursting through the door, Nick saw Jeff frantically rummaging through his bag, throwing things all around the room. Nick immediately knew what he was looking for and crossed the room quickly, grabbing his roommate from behind and securing his arms.
"Let me go!" Jeff screamed, trying to free his arms desperately. Nick simply held on tighter, tugging the boy backwards until they both fell onto the ground, still restraining Jeff. "Let me go, you don't understand, I need to -"
"No, you don't," Nick said calmly, somehow managing to keep the panic he was feeling out of his voice. He had never seen anybody flip out like this before and didn't know what else he could do apart from make sure Jeff didn't hurt himself. Jeff was crying harshly, his breathing shallow as he continued to fight with Nick. His movements grew weaker until he finally gave up, slumping against Nick helplessly. Nick relaxed his hold a little, moving his arms to wrap around the other boy's waist instead as Jeff sobbed into his shoulder.
Blaine had locked the door behind them and crossed the room to kneel in front of them, his face pale. Clearly he had no idea what to do either and Nick looked up to catch his eye, to see the absolute fear in his face that he knew was on his own. And Nick couldn't even be sorry for sharing his emotions and for actually being afraid for someone else because this was so so much bigger than himself.
It was time to stop running.
After a few minutes, Jeff pulled away, still shaking. Without a word he rolled up his sleeves and held out his arms so Blaine and Nick could both see them. Blaine turned even paler, and Nick couldn't stop the tears from running down his own face at the sight before them.
It wasn't the first time Nick had encountered someone who self harmed. He was a teenager who had been at public school after all, there were plenty of 'emos' around. But the most he was used to seeing was one or two scars, and on the rare occasion an open wound. Jeff's arms were literally covered in scars and Nick could see the evidence of at least a year's worth of self harming. Most were completely healed over, but there were a few that couldn't be more than a few weeks old. There was no mistaking them for what they were either and more pieces were settling in to place; the long sleeved shirts, the hike, the fear -
Nick realized that neither he or Blaine had said anything yet, but before he could try to think of something to say that wouldn't be patronizing or accidentally insulting, Jeff spoke. "Yes, it was true. But I didn't do it because I was ashamed of who I am. It wasn't because I'm gay, no matter how much they're going to insist that it was."
Blaine was the first to speak. "Why, Jeff?"
Jeff gave a bitter laugh. "Right to the heart of it. I told you I was bullied at my old school, yeah? Well, I didn't quite know how to handle it properly. I couldn't even tell my parents at first, I hadn't come out yet and I was ... I was ashamed. Not of my sexuality, not ever. Ashamed that I couldn't stop it myself, I couldn't stand up for myself, I wasn't being a man. So one afternoon I came home and just sat in the shower for hours, trying to work out how to deal with all of the ways these people were making me feel. And then I saw the razor and -" He cut himself off, attempting to curl up in a ball.
Nick instinctively pulled Jeff in tighter. "You thought it would make you feel better," he finished quietly, Jeff nodding in agreement. "Did it?"
"At first. When I was doing it, it was like the pain was bleeding out of me as well as the ... well, blood. Afterwards, I just felt worse. But I couldn't stop coming back to it, it was like my drug. It still is."
Blaine inhaled sharply. "Jeff, when was the last time?"
Jeff seemed to realize what he was worried about. "Not here. About a week before I came. I thought I'd have to while I was here, but I also couldn't do that to you guys. I mean, if you'd walked in, or seen..."
Jeff trailed off again and Blaine reached out, taking one of his hands. Nick hesitated for a minute, but he needed to ask. "Jeff, he mentioned a s-suicide attempt?" He hated the way his voice stumbled over that word, but that was something to think about later.
"He did. And that was true as well." Jeff paused for a few seconds before continuing, his voice quieter. "I - it was just like any other day, and that was the problem. It was that day that I realized that it was never going to end. As long as I was there, they were always going to hate me because I was me."
Nick saw Blaine nod, clearly understanding. "So, I got home and ... well, I didn't want to try and cut to death because I had always separated my cutting from suicide and I didn't want to change that, even dead." Nick suppressed a shiver at how casually Jeff could talk about his own death, as if his life didn't matter. If he still thinks that way, we need to change it, pronto.
"We didn't have a gun. Hanging... we'd studied it in History, it could go wrong easily and I didn't want to end up paralyzed for life instead or something. So I went to the medicine cabinet and ... and took everything."
Nick was thankful that Jeff wasn't facing in his direction as he had totally lost control of his emotions by now. Blaine seemed to be holding it together a lot better. "What happened then?" he asked.
Jeff swallowed roughly. "Mom found me, unconscious on the bathroom floor. And no matter how accepting she is, no matter how much she loves me, I will never forgive myself for what I did to her, what I made her go through."
"Jeff," Nick began, but Jeff shook his head roughly.
"Next thing I knew, I was waking up in hospital," he said, overriding Nick's words. "They'd pumped my stomach but I was still throwing up for a week afterwards. I can only remember bits and pieces of my time there, but somewhere in my delirium I came out to my parents and explained everything. They - I mean, they were terrified and hated the fact that I hadn't told them... but they loved me regardless. They got me to counseling.. the hospital wanted to lock me up but they wouldn't let them."
Blaine frowned. "Lock you up?"
Jeff nodded. "Psych ward. My parents wouldn't sign, they took me home. We spent hours talking about it, they tried to get me to make promises that I knew I couldn't keep. So in the end I only had to promise three things. If I ever felt like killing myself again, I'd tell one of them. If I ever hurt myself, I'd show them..."
"And the third?" Nick asked quietly.
"Never stop being myself," Jeff whispered. "Never let them get the best of me."
Nick could see the look in Blaine's eyes and knew he had probably been told the same thing at some point - probably by Kurt. "I shouldn't have run," Jeff continued. "I should have stood up for myself, told them that it wasn't true... I shouldn't let myself get beaten down... I shouldn't let Zach affect me every damn time he looks at me -"
"Zach?" Nick glanced at Blaine who looked puzzled. "What's Zach got to do with this?"
Jeff laughed again, the sound painful. "Zach was a senior at my school until he got kicked out. He was a huge part of the bullying. Obviously the best choice to have work at some place like this... I mean, I know he can't really hurt me... but seeing him every day -"
"It reminds you," Blaine finished. "I know." The rest of the sentence was left hanging but nobody pushed for elaboration; after all, Blaine had been upfront about his bullying past in the first place. Right now was about Jeff.
Jeff nodded, reaching up to wipe at his face roughly. "So now you know everything. I was naive enough to think I could room with two guys and keep it a secret." He shook his head. "I still have trouble sleeping, so if you ever wake up and I'm gone, I'm just walking around the place." Jeff shrugged. "Anyway, I'm still addicted... as you probably figured from that episode before."
Nick could feel the shame rolling off the other boy. "Jeff, it's okay."
"No, it's not. It's pathetic. And I mean, it's not like I'm the only gay guy who's gone through this kind of crap. Blaine, you got bullied, didn't you? And you didn't resort to this -"
"Kurt did."
Jeff froze. "What?"
Blaine sighed. "I promised I'd never tell anybody, but I think he'll forgive me. Kurt self harmed for about a year and a half before arriving at Dalton... and for the first six months there. I was the one to find out. He says I was the one to save him too, but that's not true. He saved himself."
Nick could tell that Jeff was hanging on every word. "How?" he whispered.
"He kept fighting. He knew his life meant something." Blaine gave Jeff a small smile. "Yours does too, and next time I talk to Kurt I'll get him to talk to you. He can help you."
Jeff nodded. "Thank you. But I still feel like such a screw up. And now the whole camp probably knows and... I just don't want to deal with it. Everybody else seems so much more normal, like they're handling things -"
"You're wrong." Nick couldn't believe the words were coming out of his mouth, but there was no taking them back now, no taking anything back now, no way to change how much Jeff had affected him and how tired he was of running. "Believe me, I'm not even close to handling things."
Jeff.
What?
Jeff twisted to look at Nick in surprise. But as soon as he took in the state of the other boy, his jaw dropped. "Nick... I didn't mean to -"
"It's okay," Nick murmured, making no move to wipe the tears from his face. "It just hits home a bit. Not in the same way... but -" he trailed off, shaking his head. "I've never - this has never happened. I've never been like this in front of people before."
He was terrified, Jeff could tell instantly, but more than that. He was determined.
Nick was actually going to tell them.
His arms had gone slack around Jeff and Jeff took advantage of that to slip out of his grip to sit next to him, wanting to see him properly for this. Nick started a bit at the movement and Jeff realized he had slipped away to somewhere else while he had been talking.
And then Nick was standing and Jeff's heart caught in his throat because he was headed for the door and he'd probably just ruined everything and now Nick was walking away and closing off again and they wouldn't be able to help him -
Nick stopped by his bed and reached under the mattress to pull out the small notebook that Jeff was so familiar with by now. He had seen it half a dozen times when Nick was writing in it but never the contents and never had he thought they would be able to.
"It's all in here," Nick said quietly, crossing the room to sit down again. He placed the book on his knees and wrapped his arms around himself in an instinctive manner, suddenly looking years younger and so vulnerable that Jeff's heart ached. He already knew this was a side of Nick that not many people had seen and one that the boy hadn't shown for a very long time and that in itself was so much more than Jeff had ever expected he would learn about Nick.
"You know there's no pressure," Blaine said gently, eyes flickering between the book and Nick. "We're never going to ask you to share more than you want to. But whether you do or not, you can trust us."
Nick looked at him, holding the gaze for a few seconds before turning to Jeff. "It's nothing as bad as yours," he said, sounding a little worried. "I don't want you to think I'm trying to make out that -"
"I know."
Grey eyes locked with hazel and they were telling the story long before Nick ever began to speak. Maybe they had been telling it all along and Jeff had simply never taken the time to look for it.
He would never know.
"You know my father is a high society lawyer," Nick began, dropping his eyes to stare at the book in front of him. "He has certain expectations of how the world is going to run and because he has the money, influence and power of about seven men, he gets whatever he wants whenever he wants. It doesn't help that he was the only child of a very rich couple who taught him how to get all of those things and also taught him that he was the only person in the world who mattered."
"He married young, to a woman also in high society. I suspect it was arranged but they've never told me - either way, they courted for a few months and then married. My dad was already working his way up the ladder at that point and had received some kind of marriage inheritance, the kind that was designed to be given to the man when he married so his wife wouldn't have to work. I don't know if my mom ever had her own career aspirations but I know she has never worked a day in her life, instead staying at home to host dinners and make important connections that the family needed."
Blaine winced. "Is she happy?"
"No." The answer was flat and certain. "She's not. I don't know whether it's that she wants to make her own life instead of pandering to my fathers or whether she actually isn't happy in the marriage at all. But she's the perfect submissive high society wife and that's all that matters to him."
Jeff couldn't imagine it, not even for a second. He knew his parents loved each other and neither would ever have thought of marrying for less than that. He had grown up under the same beliefs and being gay didn't change that for a second either - he fully intended to marry somebody he loved one day. To know that someone had grown up watching their parents and realizing that they didn't love each other, well…
No wonder Nick was so guarded.
"My father was high in his career and in society and everything was going perfect. And then the biggest mistake of his life happened."
Jeff suddenly felt sick because he knew what was coming next, just like he knew that Nick had heard those same words - biggest mistake of his life - said to him by the man who was meant to love and care for him.
"My mother fell pregnant. With me."
Nick was shaking and Jeff didn't even realized he had taken his hand until Nick squeezed back hard, taking a deep breath. "I can't remember the first time he told me I was a regret but I've grown up knowing it so it must have been young. How's that for a first memory, huh?"
He laughed more bitterly than Jeff had ever heard anybody before and Blaine shook his head. "God, Nick. Nobody deserves that."
"Apparently I did. I deserved everything he gave to me."
Perhaps Jeff didn't understand because he wouldn't let himself, but it still came as a complete shock when Blaine's eyes widened in realization. "He hit you?"
"Only when I was young and he could get away with it. When I got old enough to run or hide it happened less and he stopped when he realized I was big enough to hit him back if I got angry enough. There were -" Nick stopped. "There were worse things he could do," he finally completed, his voice strained.
Before either of them could say anything, Nick was turning back to Jeff. "You saw it, yesterday, even though you didn't know what it was. When I took the blindfold off."
Jeff remembered. Of course he did, how could he forget the absolute fear in Nick's eyes for that one second when he had accidentally let his guard down? Before he had thought it was just the words that had gotten to him but the way Nick was talking now, he was suddenly not so sure.
"Yeah," he said quietly, squeezing Nick's hand again.
"It wasn't - well, yeah it was the words too. I don't think anybody got through that without being affected." Blaine and Jeff nodded together and Jeff felt a shiver go down his spine at how badly he had been fighting to hold it together, how horridly he had broken down when they had all gone to reflect. "But it was more than that. I - I'm claustrophobic."
This time it was Jeff who got it as the realization slammed into him. "He didn't," he said flatly. "He locked you up?"
"Yes."
"That monster."
Both boys turned to Blaine whose eyes had gone dark. "You don't do that to your kids. You just don't."
Jeff agreed completely but Nick was starting to shake again and Jeff knew he needed to get it out. So he shot a look to Blaine, trying to silently tell him to keep calm, then turned his attention back to Nick. "What would cause that?"
"Anything," Nick said quickly, clearly wanting to say it as fast as he could. "Stupid things would get me sent to my room - that wasn't so bad but as a kid it was the worst thing because kids don't really comprehend that they can just open the door and walk out. It feels like being trapped. But then that wasn't enough of a punishment because my room had toys and stuff so…" Nick shook his head. "I can't."
"It's okay," Jeff said immediately, shifting a little closer. "Don't. You don't have to."
But Nick was flipping open the notebook, going only a few pages in before pushing it over to Jeff. "That."
The picture was simple. Nick clearly wasn't the best of artists but somehow Jeff knew it wasn't artistic detail he had been going for, but release. "The garage?"
"It was safe enough," Nick said, his voice only just above a whisper. "Nobody ever parked in there, it was for storage more than anything and there weren't fumes or whatever. He wasn't going to risk anything serious happening because then it would get found out. But there were no windows and the only way you could see was if you opened the door and I - I was so scared."
The tears were pooling in his eyes again and Jeff acted on instinct (something that had been working for him well enough so far) pulling Nick closer and wrapping an arm around him. He had no words, nothing he could give to try and reassure the boy because he didn't even know if it was over or whether Nick would go back home after this camp and do something wrong and then have to spend hours out there alone in the dark - it was too much to think about, to know that someone could be this afraid of the person who was meant to love them. Jeff had heard of child abuse but to him, this was so much more than that.
"Your friends were dictated, weren't they?" Blaine asked suddenly and Nick started a little, looking up at him. "I mean, my dad tried but my mom stood up to him but if yours didn't -"
"I had no real friends," Nick stated hollowly. "I still don't. The only people I ever met before I started school was children of the other people my father interacted with and they were always different ages. So then I went to school and I didn't know how to talk to other kids so they shut me out and even when we all got older they just never let me back in. I know how it feels to be picked last for the team every single time, except I don't get picked at all. I don't get bullied because nobody wastes their time trying to notice me. I've never had to worry about people wanting to know more about me until now because there was nobody to care."
There were no tears, no emotions. Clearly this was something Nick was used to and that was actually so much worse than if the boy had broken down because nobody should be used to not being noticed. "So, you've never had anybody? Ever?" Jeff asked, hating himself for the words but he just couldn't believe that nobody had ever tried to talk to Nick.
Nick hesitated. "Once," he said. "Once there was a kid who was my age. We were seven at the time and both hated the society thing and he was a very rich client of my fathers who was up for some fraud and embezzlement case which he claimed he hadn't done. My father believed him, had him over quite a number of times for drinks and 'case work' and we were sent off to play. We talked a lot about how much it sucked. He showed me the bruises on his back, I showed him the garage and the drawings I did and things I wrote. I - I thought I had someone, finally."
"Was that the one -?"
"Yeah."
Jeff frowned. "What one?"
Nick sighed. "The case that my father won, only to find out that his client had played him and had actually embezzled almost five million out of the company and couldn't be tried again. Put a huge dent in his career that took him a few years to recover from. Naturally that connection was severed and I never saw his son again. Pity, because that was about when I started realizing that the whole 'girls have cooties' thing might be less about that and more about guys being my preference."
Nick fell silent and Jeff couldn't help himself looking down at the notebook. Or, more specifically, at the page next to the drawing which had what looked like a poem. "Go ahead," Nick said, making him start. "There's a lot of things I don't have the words for that I want you guys to know, and they're all in there."
Jeff refrained from asking if he was sure and picked up the notebook instead, Blaine shuffling around so he could get a look at it.
It wasn't a poem, he and Blaine realized at the same time.
"You write songs?"
Nick actually laughed at that, a genuine laugh and Jeff's heart hammered to a stop at the sound of it because that was the first time he had heard it and it was actually beautiful. "Yeah," he admitted sheepishly. "I may have lied about the whole musically inclined thing. I play guitar."
"What are the odds?" Blaine murmured, shaking his head as Jeff flipped the page. The grin on his face died instantly though as they took in the words scrawled across the page.
I HATE MY LIFE.
"Like I said," Nick interjected quietly, "I don't have the words most of the time. But that kind of summed it up."
"How old is this book?"
Nick shrugged. "I think I started this one halfway through last year. I have a few hidden away."
Jeff nodded and continued to turn pages.
Slowly, a picture of Nick's life was painted. Like he had said, the drawings, songs and words inside said more than Nick would ever and Jeff just wanted to cry for this boy who had spent his whole life not being good enough, not just to his peers but to his family as well. A boy who had shut himself off to the world, locked up his heart and thrown away the key, never trusted anybody enough to let them see what his life was truly like, choosing instead to put up the strongest walls to keep absolutely everybody away -
Until now.
Jeff wanted to look up and tell Nick how brave he thought he was and how much it was appreciated that he trusted them, something along those lines… until Blaine flipped another page and everything just stopped.
I don't want to be gay.
Nick had frozen, staring down at the words. They all had.
Blaine was the first one to react. "How long ago?"
There was a long silence and then Nick physically turned away, staring at the door. "Always."
Silence.
"Go ahead, hate me," Nick finally said, his voice shaking. "I know, the one thing that nearly gets me kicked out of home, the thing I risked everything to tell my father even though I know he knew - why else would he have straight camp pamphlets lying around? - and I'm ashamed of it. I don't want to be gay, I don't know if I even am, I don't know if it's the whole 'not getting attention from your father' thing and I'm substituting, I just don't know and it scares me more than anything, more than even getting locked up for a week would because I'm meant to be sure of who I am and you all are and I just never have been. And I see how happy you are with Kurt -" Nick gestured to Blaine roughly who was staring at him, wide-eyed, "and I want that but is it just that I want to be loved or I want a guy to love me, I don't know!"
Nick burst into tears.
Jeff stared at Blaine, horrified, for exactly one second before pulling Nick as close as he could, completely ignoring the way Nick tried to struggle away and hoping it wasn't because he was within close proximity of a gay person - he couldn't start thinking that way now, not now when Nick needed him the most. And no matter what, he was going to be there for him.
Because his horror wasn't that Nick wasn't sure of who he was, wasn't that Nick sometimes didn't want to like boys, none of that - no. His horror was that Nick had lived like this for so long and that there was just another way that Nick felt like he was letting somebody down. But this time, it was himself.
Jeff spoke through silence, through touch and proximity and the simple fact that he didn't run away.
Blaine spoke through words.
"We don't care," he said softly, his voice smooth and reassuring with no hint of doubt. "We really don't. Of course we want you to know who you are and be confident in that but Nick, it doesn't matter, it doesn't change a thing. We're still your friends, always, and we're going to support you through this and help you. And you know what? If it turns out that you are straight, we'll still be there for you."
"Really?"
Jeff winced at how pained Nick sounded and tugged him closer. "Of course," he said, taking over from Blaine. "We've spent our whole lives being judged because we're gay, do you really think we'd do the same because you're straight? No matter what, we're here for you."
Nick let out a sigh and relaxed. "You called yourselves my friends - you actually -?"
"Yes," Jeff and Blaine said in unison before catching each other's eye and laughing. "Seriously," Blaine continued, "I know you've had it rough but you're not alone anymore. You've got two people who know what it's like to go through stuff and to be judged and we're not going to judge you for anything or run away or any of that."
"We promised that we're in this together, remember?" Jeff added, reminding himself too. "If you're still willing to know me after what I shared, of course I still want to be your friend."
He held his breath at that because after Jeff had shared his story they had gone straight on to Nick and Jeff didn't actually know whether the other guys were okay with it or whether they just hadn't had a chance to tell him how weak he was and how much they despised him for what he had done.
"Of course we do," Blaine reassured him straight away. "I'm proud to know both of you. And in the spirit of sharing things, I'll share something with you that only Kurt knows."
Jeff raised an eyebrow. "Okay?"
"It's about the hair gel."
"Oh thank god," Nick said quickly. "There is a reason behind it?"
Jeff snorted and Blaine rolled his eyes. "There is. I know what it's like to try and be moulded by your father and my dad would always have a go at me about things. The problem was that he didn't so much want me to change things, he just liked having somebody to have a go at. So I'd change things and then he'd find something else. I didn't play sports, I joined soccer, that wasn't enough; I didn't get good enough grades, I boosted them all to A's, that wasn't enough; I didn't spend enough time with girls, I convinced a few of the girls at my old school to hang out with me, that wasn't enough. So he started picking at things I couldn't change. I was too short, my eyes looked too girly - I kid you not. And then the hair -"
"And that you could change."
Blaine nodded. "I chopped it off and started gelling it back. I just wanted one less thing for him to have a go at me about. I'm still not game enough to stop wearing the gel when I'm at home or going to school or a function or something, the only time I take it out is when I'm alone with Kurt for the day."
"You actually look so good without it," Jeff said, remembering the one time he had seen Blaine before he had shellacked his hair back. "I get that you can't do that at home but you're safe here, at least safe from judgement by the rest of us. If you want to be yourself, you should."
Blaine grinned and spontaneously threw his arms around both of them. "You're both amazing," he informed them. "Seriously. No matter what, I'm glad for at least one thing from this camp and that's to have met both of you."
Jeff shook his head, grinning. "You are such a sap. But me too."
He chanced a look at Nick and his smile only grew wider when he saw the one on Nick's face - finally.
Nick.
After Blaine had let them go, everybody had settled back into their spots on the floor. For a while, the only sound in the room was silence. Each of the three boys seemed to have their own thoughts to process and nobody was in any hurry to interrupt - after all, they had all just thrown their entire souls out on the line.
Nick, for his part, was completely taken aback at how free he felt. Sure, they said that sharing burdens helped release them a little but he had never been sure if he could believe it or risk it. But seeing Jeff so broken but so willing to share had changed him and Nick just - well, everything had come out. More than he had expected and the response had been far from what was anticipated.
They actually don't care.
It hadn't changed a thing in their eyes. All it had done was explain the walls that he no longer needed.
Whether Nick could actually tear them all down completely like he had tonight and keep them down every single day was a story that was yet to be told. He might wake up the next morning and realize there was no way he could keep going on like this and go straight back to hiding. Or he could find that vulnerability was actually easier than he realized.
All Nick knew right now was that things were okay. And okay was actually kind of wonderful.
Movement caught his eye and Jeff was pulling his phone out of his pocket, staring at the screen and literally going pale as he answered. "Mom?"
Nick frowned and glanced over at Blaine who looked just as nonplussed. So far they hadn't seen Jeff use his phone at all even though it was presumed that he was keeping contact with his parents, so to see him look so worried about answering a call from his mother was a little bit concerning.
"No," Jeff said quickly, shaking his head as he jumped to his feet. "No, seriously, it's okay. It's okay, I just -" he broke off, biting his lip as he listened. "Mom, listen to me. It's okay. I promise."
More silence and Jeff was pacing now, one hand running through his hair. "I know. I didn't think -" He sighed. "I know. It's not right but there's nothing we can do."
Nick could almost make out the worried tones of a woman on the other end but the words were unintelligible and not his to listen to anyway. "No," Jeff said again. "Yes, I'm sure. Don't -" More silence. "Okay. Okay, yeah, that's fine. I will." He smiled. "I love you too. Bye." Hanging up, Jeff stared out the window for a moment before turning his attention to the others. Nick realized he had stood at some point, as had Blaine, and they both stared at Jeff, hoping for an explanation.
"That was my mom," Jeff said, somewhat unnecessarily. "I kinda sent her a text when I first got back to the room saying I couldn't handle it and I needed to get out of here. Obviously she panicked… but she also said that she could be here first thing in the morning."
Nick's heart dropped. No, he didn't want anybody to have to stay at this camp if they could help it, but Jeff was the first person he had truly let in ever and now he was leaving?
And there was something else niggling at the back of Nick's heart, something telling him that Jeff leaving was just that bit more significant than if, say, Blaine were the one to be leaving. But he still made himself smile because at least Jeff was getting out -
"I said no."
"What?" Nick blurted out before he could help himself. "You… you're staying?"
Jeff nodded. "If I leave now, I'll just be running away like I've been trying to run away every other time. Plus…" Jeff hesitated for a second before seeming to realize that there was no point in hiding things. "After everything we've gone through tonight, how could I leave you guys to suffer here and go home? We're in this together now."
Nick wasn't quite sure whether he or Blaine was the one to initiate it, but before he knew it they were both hugging Jeff, the blonde boy actually laughing as they did so. "And tomorrow?" Nick asked. "You're going to be okay when we go out there?"
Jeff shrugged. "I don't know what they're going to do and that scares me. But there's really no other choice - if I'm staying, I have to deal with it."
"I've got a saying for times like these," Blaine said, his voice soft. "Courage. I used to text it to Kurt all the time, whenever I was worried that he might not be okay or that he might just need to remember that. It doesn't matter what happens to you, as long as you stand up against it and remember that you are strong enough and brave enough and have enough courage to get through anything. That's what we all need to get through."
"Courage," Jeff repeated quietly as if trying it out. He nodded. "Courage. I can do that."
"We all can," Nick added, smiling a little when Jeff looked at him. "We'll have courage for you tomorrow and you can have courage for me if I ever get thrown into Isolation."
"And we'll have courage that one day Blaine might throw out the hair gel."
Blaine snorted and collapsed onto the floor beside Jeff's bed. "I should really wash it out now that you mention it." He thought for a second then waved his hand lazily as he yawned. "Whatever."
Rolling his eyes, Jeff sat down on the bed and looked up at Nick questioningly who shrugged, joining him. Jeff knocked their shoulders together lightly and Nick smiled, feeling his face warm up a little. "I think we're going to be alright."
Nick's smile grew wider. "I think so. With a bit of courage."
Additional Notes: In regards to Jeff's story, I did my research. I am a self harmer myself (trying to recover), though nowhere near as bad as I portrayed Jeff to be, but I know the feelings that were going through his head. I have never attempted suicide but have thought about it. So I did research on different unsuccessful suicide attempts and found that most people who overdose experience this delirium and can't remember the week or so after they overdose, depending on what they take. I do not claim full accuracy or that this is what every self harmer experiences.
Next Chapter: Acceptance.
