Oh, my aching…everything. Leave it to me to keep discovering places hurting that shouldn't be, like my eyestalks. They're the only things bothering me besides my head.
I can't remember what I'd been doing or why, but I have an ugly feeling it wasn't anything good. I sit up stiffly, covers rolling off my shoulders. As I wake up more I remember speaking to Clank recently and small shreds of our conversation come back, but it's hardly enough to form a bearing on a specific topic.
I dazedly lower my head in my hands, starting to middle around in my thoughts. What was it again? Why were we talking in the first place?
After coming back from Igliak, I was all too angry and ninety nine percent of it was directed towards myself. I had felt like I couldn't forgive myself. Too upset. I couldn't think straight. I think I roamed around for a while, maybe hid somewhere by myself to sulk. Or both, with everything in between.
Now Alister's face randomly pops into my head. I curse my subconscious, forcing it away. Not at a time like this. I decide to lay back down again and rest for a little longer. As I rearrange the covers I notice for the first time, Talwyn is in the bed with me.
If I wasn't confused enough, the sight of her pushes my befuddlement to absolute shock. Did we do something and I couldn't even remember that?
As disappointing as that would have been, I don't think that's the case since my barn door is still closed. In addition, by the way our last talk ended it wouldn't warrant anything like this in the bedroom. Not this soon.
I automatically shift gears, getting out of bed slowly. I don't think it's a great idea to be around her just yet, in case she woke up and was still upset. I wasn't in the mood to risk instigating another argument. Time for me to vacate the premises for safer ground.
"You're leaving?"
I freeze in place. She had just reminded me that she had eyes on the back of her head. "I was just…going to go out," I say.
"Back to work?"
"Not sure, but likely."
Her side rises then falls sharply in a sigh. "Did you want me to stay?" I ask, feeling that all my options right now would result in her twisting my tail into a knot. To cap off the ambiguity she doesn't answer.
Great. Well, looks like I should go with my better judgement on this one. I slide back into bed, lying down and trying to ignore the tension worming between us. Our backs are less than half a foot from each other's.
Our silence is heavily elapsed. I know there are words that need to be spoken, and now feels like a trying time to let them go without this turning out to be another altercation. That was how I felt at least, but I don't know if she was waiting on me, or if…if…
Ugh, I don't know. My head still hurts and I don't want to think about a woman's enigmatic thought process yet.
I need to slow down for a moment; am I losing focus of my principles? Had to think about that. Maybe she didn't want talk, at least yet, and just wanted to be in my company. I find myself being comfortable on that wavelength.
I feel something snaking around down south. Her tail is slipping through the covers as if it were searching for something. I hook my own around it and twist it, until they're both tightly intertwined with each other. I can't remember when we first started doing this but I've always jokingly referred to it as 'tailing'.
Talwyn sinks down into the covers a bit more. She mutters something so weird I have to rub at my ears to make sure I'd heard correctly.
"Huh? Say that again?"
"Ha...I said, you're not half bad of a singer."
I've shattered a few windows here and there, but that was usually from people throwing objects at me and telling me the exact opposite. "Wait, when did I…sing to you?" I ask, confused.
"You don't remember, do you?"
"Not really..." I say slowly, "I mean, I was talking to Clank, right? I think he was upset with me, but now I kinda remember you appearing at some point. What did I do, Talwyn?"
"You had that bottle of anesthesia in your possession, Ratchet. What do you think you did?"
Screw me with a rusty knife.
"Oh. Ah." I say shamefully. "Don't know how that slipped my mind."
"Clank told me it was because you both had an argument while you were out," Talwyn says softly. I become a bit guarded, almost expecting her to ask me why.
"Yeah…" I say, trying to keep the subject out the air, "and I honestly don't know why I turned to something like that. I dunno...wasn't really thinking. I just…I guess even if it was for a little while, I wouldn't have to dwell too long about anything I didn't want to."
Her brooding turns my tension into slight nervousness, which doesn't help the closed setting at all. From the deepest, rawest pit of my mind the instinct to flee emerges.
"Ratchet…you do know I love you, right? Like, more than you probably even think. And lately, I can't stop worrying about you. I know I've been poking and prodding at you for every little thing, because I was so frustrated. I realized...that makes you feel the same way," Talwyn says. "About recently...I didn't mean to go off on you like that. I still recognize our issues come from the both of us not being as open as we should be with each other, and I want to change that. While I was thinking to myself yesterday, I connected the dots on several things."
"Would one of them be that I've been lying to save face on how I really feel?" I mutter.
"Just because no one's called you out on that doesn't make it any less obvious. Part of the problem comes from you not taking care of yourself, at the expense of others. I couldn't really hone in on what my exact gripe was, but that clicked. And it's the truth. Even from that, I realized that there are some times where you really couldn't help being caught up in a mess."
"Fantastic, Talwyn. It's a far cry from the way you made it sound yesterday, like I was being reckless just for the sake of doing so."
"And I stand corrected on the fact that there are things you can't control, like Eyesac. I sincerely apologize about being so unfair to you about that. But can you not disagree with me when I say that you're not exactly the pinnacle of health right now because of how you've been overworking yourself? Better yet, just look at the way you've tried to cope with it all."
"I don't blame you if you're upset about that. I mean…not one of my best moments."
"I only wish you had a better way of handling things, or not be pushed to that point anyway," Talwyn says. It sounds like she's close to tears. "We have to do better than this...what happened to us? I can't tell which one of us is sorrier."
"The properties differ, but I'd say we're roughly at the same level."
"Ratchet, do not start with the joking," Talwyn says, her voice blossoming in anger. "You have been undermining your own physical and mental health, and it's not looking good for you. I don't care how much you can push yourself to do there is a limit on the amount of stress your body and mind can take. I can't count on a single hand how many days you've slept the way you're supposed to. You still sneak out of bed sometimes to check security, don't you? You've done that on casual visits before so I know you've taken it to the extreme now. But wait, what's different here? You have people that can do that for you.
"While you're spending time doing things that D07 or the other Rangers, or even Qwark could be handling just fine, you're forgetting to sleep, you're forgetting to eat and I KNOW Clank has said something about this before I have. You're just being stubborn. THAT'S what worries me the most."
Talwyn sighs in frustration. "I just don't know what to do with you at times, Ratchet. Stop being bullheaded for once and listen when we try to help you. It's for a reason."
I'm stunned with nothing to say in my defense because she's absolutely right. It had been an itch, almost an obsession, for me to make sure that everything was fine. I absolutely could not afford to cut any corners and relied mostly on paranoia and fear to keep pushing my limits.
My fears would never change but the voices that tell me to constantly have them at the forefront of my mind, to let them control me, had to. Never again would I want to say I should have done something different, that maybe if I had done this or that, there wouldn't be as much heartbreak. In a reality where many things that occur stay permanently set in stone, I dread making a misstep that could cost me everything. I could only wish for the responsibility and power to rewind time at will.
"I'm sorry," is all I say, and I mean it. Talwyn continues to stew to herself. It puts into perspective how much I needed to change the current way I was behaving. If not things would never get better between us.
"And I still don't know what it is you're keeping from me. You told me awhile back that we were going to talk. Remember that?" Talwyn says quietly.
"Yes. I…" I let out a breath, then continue. "Alright. I have something to admit. During the summer on Veldin, I was working hard, similar to now, to distract myself."
"From what?"
"From…Cronk and Zephyr," I say, feeling my tongue curl. Their names hadn't left my mouth in months and it feels strange. "What happened with them…and why I've been like this Talwyn, they're both tightly connected. Two sides of the same coin. There's nothing that scares me more than something like that happening again. That's why I can't bring myself to relax…or for too long, at that. I'm sorry, Talwyn, I'm…"
She suddenly withdraws her tail from mine and turns over. I face her. True devastation, which comes from realizing the worst possible thing, covers every inch of her visage. "I was right there. I was right there, and I couldn't do anything," I say quietly, my voice catching. "Do you get me, Talwyn? I couldn't. Do. Anything. Feeling powerless like that and knowing someone needs help kills me."
"Oh Ratchet, I just…...I didn't realize," she says quietly, her tears leaking over. I move in closer until our bodies touch, lacing my arms underneath hers. She starts to cry, trembling, and her sobs are practically my own. We just hold each other tightly for a long time.
"I'm sorry," I find myself repeating. "Failure is so much harder to bear when it costs something that's irreplaceable. I tried to push it to the back of my mind because I was afraid of facing my shortcomings. They were there the whole time. I don't know who I was fooling…"
She squeezes me slightly. "You don't blame yourself for what happened, do you? That's not fair to yourself. It's not your fault what happened to them. It really isn't. If you feel that way, please try to forgive yourself."
My mouth refuses to move. I stare right through her. I envision that soul-crippling moment where I saw their faces, their hopelessness, and realized I could have done nothing. Too vivid. It's almost like I can reach out and grab them, bring them back to safety…
"Ratchet, do you hear me?"
Talwyn sounds like she's calling down a tunnel. I look up at her blankly. She's still talking, though I can't seem to hear her words clearly. There's this weird clogging feeling settling over my ears. Numbness starts to seize me, making my insides feel hollow. The sensations that had kept me up for many nights in a row. I was still being haunted by the memory.
Even when I shouldn't be taking the blame the opposite mindset had anchored itself in my mind, silently convincing me that it was true over time. They were little whispers at first. Then they got louder. Shouts. Bellows. I'm not sure how to stop that.
"…can't," I mutter.
"Yes, you can! This isn't even a case where a real mistake was made! How where you supposed to know what was going to happen?" Talwyn says furiously. "It was just a worst-case scenario no one saw coming. The only way I'll allow you to take the blame is if you're a psychic and you knew what was going to happen. Are you? Huh? No, you aren't. You can't keep hurting yourself like this, Ratchet."
"It's not like I can instantly get over this, Talwyn. This stupid...mental…" I close my eyes, grinding my teeth hard into each other until my jaws hurt. "Imagine if I could just take that seed of doubt out my head, that'd be nice, wouldn't it? I'd have to pull up proverbial miles of its roots."
"I'm not saying find a quick fix. I'm saying to try to start. I know it's not going to be easy for you. It's difficult thinking about it myself, and I wasn't even there. Logic has to be one of the things you use to fight things like this. It wasn't your fault."
I bury my face into the covers. Talwyn holds me close and rests her chin on top of my head, her hands stroking at the back of it and kneading underneath my ears. "It's not your fault…" she says quietly, continuously muttering the same phrase, over and over. I stay limp, trying to focus on her words. It wasn't my fault…it wasn't…
Talwyn presses her lips to the top of my head, kissing it. "Mhm. It wasn't…do you hear me?"
Her voice tickles at my ears, almost sounding like my inner subconscious. Several times I doze off briefly, still hearing her speak quietly to me. It was all about breaking the barrier of delusion. My own mind had tricked me, and for the longest. I have a rotten feeling this won't be the last time it tries this.
I inhale slightly, opening my eyes. Something still feels like it's missing. "Talwyn."
"Yes, what is it?"
"I spent too long, trying not to think about them. Now it's almost like…they're different from what I remember. Or if they never existed at all. It's hard to explain."
"Then let's take a quick trip down memory lane. Remember how you first met them?"
In an instant the memory shows its face, like it'd been waiting to be acknowledged. A low chuckle leaves me after a moment. "Yeah…at the time, I thought they were the most senile things in the universe. Well…they were, but there's no lack of respect…"
"I understand the feeling," Talwyn says, laughing slightly. "What about that time you were over for our first anniversary and Cronk kept trying to film what we were doing for the whole day?"
"Oh...oh yeah and Zephyr had that boom mic, trying to eavesdrop on our conversations. Heh heh. Anything but subtle."
"I don't think they were happy about us vanishing from their radar at the end of the day. That was probably a little of my father's paternal instinct he left with them."
"To be fair, I wouldn't really blame them," I say. It was a good thing they had lost track of us since that was the night we discovered we were both extremely versatile. "By the way, take that moment and fast forward a year and several days after that. That was on your birthday…"
"Geez, when Cronk tried baking a cake for the first time to save money? That was a disaster," Talwyn says, grinning. "It took us forever to clean the kitchen up after that."
"The cake still wasn't half bad."
"It was on the ceiling, you actually ate some?"
"Yeah, the taste of plaster didn't really bother me but it could've used a bit more icing. How'd that thing even get stuck up there in the first place?"
"That'll be a mystery to the end of time."
They're tender things, memories. Sometimes they sting at the same time they make you feel the greatest joy ever. With time and honest consideration, the sharp, painful edges of certain ones can be dulled until you're fully content with them. Somewhere at the back of my mind, I know I still have a problem with facing the tougher remembrances. They were ones that weren't connected to Cronk and Zephyr at all.
Yet now with those two it's subtly become easier to remember them as tangible people again even if they were gone. Looking back on their time in my life, even if it was with a melancholic attitude, is the least I can do to fully honor them. The pin stuck in my heart feels like it's being gradually pulled out, enough to not be as noticeable. While there's so many emotions running through me right now, I slip into true comfort.
A strange moment, made tranquil with someone I love. I nose closely at Talwyn's neck, drawing her scent in a bit more. "Hey, it's wet," she says lightly.
"Thanks, Talwyn," I mutter. "You really helped me out a lot."
"Any time. Just tell me when you're bothered like this. I know you don't like talking about how you feel, but you can't hold things in like this."
Now. Do it.
Not that this was anything new, but I suddenly find my mouth moving independently from my thoughts. "Talwyn, there's…" I begin, before the room door opens. We both look up finding Qwark frozen, wide-eyed, at the door. He spins on his heel, leaving.
"…I'll just come back later."
"What do you need, Qwark?" I call.
"Clank wanted me to come wake you up, but he didn't mention that all this touchy-feely stuff would be going on. Don't mind me."
"It has been awhile since we've been in here. It's probably time for us to get up," Talwyn says. "Where you saying something?"
"There is something else I need to tell you now," I say, sitting up. "This happened before we came here, like, right before. I, uh…had a bomb…blow up in my face."
She looks at me neutrally, blinking once. "…I'm assuming this is what you didn't want to tell me at first?"
"Uh, huh."
"Alright," she says evenly, though I can tell she's restraining her irritation. "How'd it happen?"
"It wasn't by my cause for once…I mean, it was a random occurrence," I say quickly. "I don't even know what it was. It crashed on Kyzil Plateau and when we went to investigate, it got angry and blew up."
"You went to see what an unknown extraterrestrial object from space was?"
"We wouldn't have Clank if I hadn't done that before!" I point out. "I fell into the crater it made when it exploded, but when I woke up that's where it went from being a casual occurrence to the worst living nightmare. See, the main thing here is that I'd forgotten how to do certain things. Like, work with tools. Fly a ship…use weapons…" I say, my voice trailing off. Her eyes light up, and her mouth drops in disbelief. She rubs at her temples. "Oh, my goodness. You mean, what happened to Aphelion?"
"Yeah."
"You mean, why you weren't fully prepared when you went after Eyesac?"
"Yeah."
Talwyn shuts her eyes. "But hey, I'm fine now!" I say quickly, unconvincingly. "I mean, I'm not completely perfect, but…at least I can do all those things now again, right? It just took a little hard work, heh heh…..uh, Talwyn? Oh, boy…"
"Are you insane," she says finally. "How hard did you bump your head to think that was a good thing to keep from me?"
"At the time it seemed—"
"Fine? Fine?! Of course it did! Yeah! I already know what you're going to say! This had better be some type of joke because I can't believe it! Are you seriously telling me that you had something blow up in your face, hit your head, lost some of the most important aspects of your being, then assumed that was something that you couldn't tell me?"
"If I had, it'd take away man points," I say, cracking a grin.
Priceless. Talwyn almost seems to crash, her eyes wide with disbelief for a couple seconds before she shoves me off to the ground. She gives a furious grunt then I find the entire bed tipping over, pinning me to the ground. "If you wanted some more bed action all you had to do was tell me, Tal!" I shout.
"Jerks! You and Clank!" she screams. I crawl from underneath the bed, catching a glimpse of her backside as she leaves. Huh. Somehow, I felt like this was the best possible outcome.
Guess I'd better go see what Clank wanted now! Qwark must've forgotten there's only a thousand and one places he could be since he didn't tell me where he was.
Then Clank just appears, popping out of thin air and landing on the bed. Or, where it was supposed to be. His little remote falls from his hand as he hits the ground on his back, legs sticking up. "Ugh!"
I snicker, leaning over him. "Yeah, uh, sorry about that, pal. Talwyn got a little angry. I think it's best if we steer clear from her while she cools down."
"Hm? What happened?"
"I told her."
"Really," he says, amused. "I figured she would not take it well, but you seem oddly optimistic about it."
"Ah, all I gotta do is give her some time. Figured it was better to tell her then, when we'd already talked some other things through. So, uh…you wanted me for something?"
"Yes. But first, let us talk. As interesting as it was seeing an adult Lombax act like he was a preschooler again, we discussed something important yesterday. From the approach I took to you while we were on Planet Igliak I realized I was far too pressing on the matter. And so I reiterate...I will make the effort to go at your pace and help you handle this issue. I need to at least try, Ratchet. You cannot expect me to ignore this."
"I don't want to be a burden," I force out.
"You are not, and never will be because you are my friend. Imagine how hard this must be for me!" Clank says, putting his hands on his hips. "What if you were in my position?"
"Well. Then I'd…be understandably concerned." I say. The both of us simultaneously glance off for a moment, then at the same time we try to speak and only end up mixing our words together. I chuckle a bit. "Uh, you first, pal."
"I am sorry for being so aggressive yesterday. I have accepted how stubborn I was, and will try hold more understanding."
"I'm sorry too. I don't ever wanna hurt you like that again. You've gotta promise me if something like that happens anymore…run away. Don't stick around."
He has one hand up to his chin and the other folded behind his back. He smiles, offering me a handshake. I take his hand, then yank him up in the air and quickly look behind him. He's got his fingers crossed. "Whoopsie," he says, grin never fading.
"I outta use your head as a nutcracker," I hiss. "…tch. You've been getting mighty deceitful lately."
"If it is for you, I will. I hope you are not bothered by what else I have in mind. I have called in a doctor to assist us. A…psychologist, if you will."
A funny twitch runs through my gut at the way he says 'psycologist', and I get a bit nervous. "Okay then, pal," I say, setting him to the floor. "They're here?"
"Yes, waiting right this instant. Allow me to take us to them."
He teleports us. I still have the remnants of a weird hangover and warping feels even more screwy. I can hardly tell which way's up, almost staggering into somebody when we reappear somewhere in a conference room.
"Oh my stars! Here is the specimen, in all glory! Come to me, you amazing creature!"
No way. No way. I spin, coming face to face with Dr. Croid. He's already leaning in, eyes shining. "Are you hungry? I brought some treats!" he says excitedly, holding a bag up. Getting flashbacks here...
"Doctor…?" Clank questions, sounding expectant.
Croid catches himself remarkably fast. "Oh! Uh, right, right. I am beside myself. Ahem." With some visible difficulty he backs up. He's still in my personal space but it's a start. "Let's try this again. Hello, Ratchet, how are you? I'm sure you haven't forgotten me!"
I speak slowly, hoping he wouldn't start trying to translate my 'language'. "I couldn't ever imagine forgetting about you, doc."
"I am quite honored to be summoned to work with you again. I have heard about your plight, and do not fret! I may not have gotten my doctorate in psychology, but there's enough knowledge in this head of mine to provide some sort of answer."
For a guy that considers himself a Lombax Whisperer I feel like I shouldn't put stock into whatever he was about to go on about. Then I remember that Clank went through the effort of calling someone...trustworthy, to discuss this. It was better than nothing.
"Alright then doc…what do you want me to do first? Stand on my head and recite my kind's alphabet backwards?"
"As fantastic as that sounds, I am not being credited for that," he says, disappointed. "On the first impression I can tell that you have neglected yourself a bit. Your coat looks rather dull. How is your diet?"
"Well," I sigh thoughtfully, putting my hands in my pockets. "I've been mostly drinking coffee and some water. Oh, I remember eating an entire pizza not too long ago. That was really great, you know with the extra pepperoni on it?"
"I thought I saw a little bit of extra weight on you."
"Hey, It's only two more pounds! Right? It was the last time I checked..."
"That must have been a while ago. I ask because an ample increase in cortisol will cause your eating habits to shift. How about sweet foods, for that matter?"
I think of Ms. Templemuffin's chocolate chip cookie dough cupcakes and find myself drooling. Only a bit, I swear. "To fair, I now know a really good baker."
"How about your sleeping patterns?"
"Uhhh," I say, feeling Clank's eyes boring into the back of my head. "...yes?"
"It's not that type of question my boy, I sense when one wants to dodge the topic. We'll mark that off as 'uncertain but likely not acceptable' right now."
The guy has gotten more self-aware for sure.
"I already have a blatant point of entry to start this investigation, but basic questions matter too. It's quite important to be aware of the building blocks to any pertaining issue," Croid says. "I have received all word from Clank—no personal observation on my end mind you, which is a bit of a shame, and I believe it is your most recent incident that has caused your concern to rise?"
"Concern is a bit underwhelming of a word," I say. He starts to circle around, looking me up and down. "Hm…comparatively, the outside factors are fairly constant. What's truly amiss lies even deeper and that is where the root of all your issues lie. Since something is off up here," he taps my head, "your state of mind is experiencing a confusing spiral of alteration. The brain, while highly complex, is quite fragile. Amongst us organics gifted with higher thought, civility I should say, certain augmentations of our brains allow us to stand separate from lower beings.
"The mind is merely a conscious extension. Using your case as an example, when a traumatizing force acts upon the physical carrier of your mind, it has trouble recuperating. Perhaps it cannot reach its previous potential and deductively returns to far simpler processes. We have basic aspects that serve as the foundation for our overall survival, but they are usually unnoticeable because they have become second nature to us. With you, Ratchet, it seems these characteristics are being brought to the surface and amplified."
"So when that bomb exploded in my face, it caused my mind to…regress?"
"Regress…in a generalized sense, yes," Dr. Croid says slowly. "It appears that it was not that extreme, as we are having an intelligent conversation right now. But…it was enough to alter how you feel and think, correct?"
I hesitate. "Yes. It was."
"And yet with case where you briefly forgot some of your long-time skills you simply had to relearn them, did you not? Tell me about that."
"Sometimes it felt like it was harder to learn, and remember. It varied. On my worst days if I lost focus, that would be about several minutes worth of information gone," I say, silently thanking Clank for his patience during that time. "It became a lot easier, gradually, the more I actually began to relate to what I was doing again."
Dr. Croid looks off to the side, staring thoughtfully at the wall. "Hm. So relearning ended up not being as stilted, the same with retention. That tells me, with some other unwanted factors remaining…you are still functional as an individual. The difference now is that you have instinctual cues that have swelled, and those may continue to interfere in ways they had not before."
I'm starting to feel uncomfortable because he was making sense while saying things I didn't like to hear. For the first time I notice he's holding a device in his hand, eyeing it as he twists a dial on it. "What is that?"
"It's a recording device. I'm documenting this conversation for later reference."
"Were you planning on making this public?" I ask suddenly, out of nowhere.
His expression softens. "Your paranoia is understood, but unneeded. May I continue?" I grunt, nodding. "Very well. Let me ask you this; can you say you have felt a bit out of touch lately with what you have considered a normal part of your life?"
"Yes…in some ways."
Croid glances from his device to me. "What do you mean in some ways?"
"It's because of those very instinctual cues you suggested. My senses and some impulses feel deeper."
"Deeper senses, you say?"
"Yeah…" I say, almost embarrassed to admit it. "Uh…well…my sense of smell has gotten stronger. Without that, I don't think we would've had luck on some of our recent tasks. And...hearing's more sensitive. There's some other like…sixth sense, I think, that's gotten stronger. I don't really know how to explain that..." I hesitate for a moment, thinking. "Wait, no. I take that back. I'm sure it's become easier to tell how others are feeling. If they're lying, for example."
"Ahh, you describe an increase in empathy. Simply feeling the energy of your surroundings and people?"
"Yeah, exactly."
"Astounding," he mutters. "It appears to be true. Your instinctual, er…animal side, if you don't mind me saying, is emerging. And rather aggressively, at that. The way you assaulted that Pekengeri, along the fact that you failed to remember what had happened, is what capitalizes all of this. Your higher sense of mind was temporarily overrode and your body acted on raw, savage instinct. It was at that time, your animalistic instincts had erupted exponentially."
My walls fall completely at the words and I pull away, staring at him fearfully. It was so much worse having someone else say it to me. All of this…from a freak accident?
"Ratchet, there is something very wrong with you," Croid continues thoughtfully, "I have never seen it in my years. Your case was mere guesswork that unfortunately, became a reality. You see the truth of the issue, yes, but the fix…the fix. Hmm…I simply cannot say."
Clank speaks suddenly, "You do not have a clear solution?"
"Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying."
"No. You can't tell me all of that and not have a solution. You're a doctor!" I say, finding myself shouting. "You're supposed to know what's wrong and help me fix it!"
"Ratchet, please," Croid says. I back away, realizing I'd gotten in his space without noticing. He doesn't look particularly ruffled but still has a somber look in his eyes, brows lowered.
"I'm afraid the answer isn't foreseeable. And need I be fully honest, so you do not feel cheated, I have no way of knowing where you'll go from this. This is a struggle between two sides of your mind, and it will not be an easy fight to endure. I couldn't say how you could cope with the changes and the effects they bring."
I say nothing in response, staring at the ground. I don't know what to think now.
"I am sorry that this is not what you wanted," Dr. Croid says quietly. "Do not forget that you are still yourself, even if it does not seem so. You must continue to live on and never forget your individual characteristics and quirks that separates you from I, or you from Clank. If you focus too much on the change that comes, it may threaten to destroy what sense of self you have."
He leans in, lowering his voice to a serious tone. "That is when you will truly have nothing left."
"G…Got it," I say quietly, swallowing hard. He turns his attention to Clank. "This is somewhat difficult for you as well, Clank. You must consider how powerful the instincts of an organic mind are. But I sense that there may be highly approximate, delicate moments where even they need to be tempered by rationality and logic. You must develop the intuition for when those precise times are, and act accordingly."
Clank gives a slight nod, his hand to his chin. "Yes, sir. I understand."
"And Ratchet, during a period such as this, the last thing you should do is distance yourself from those who seek to lend you their help. Solitude is something that will not do you any favors. Trust me. I would know."
A recollection surfaces, and the inside of my mouth goes dry. In the past Talwyn had told me something similar to that. Solitude...and guilt. Two things that compliment each other for a terrible blow on the psyche. I couldn't tread down that path. Not like...
"This may not be my place, but common understanding must be reached if you want support you need," Croid says, thankfully drawing my attention away from my thoughts. "I do have a suggestion. Once your political affairs here are completed, I suggest returning back to your normal lifestyle. In general, that may help ease your mind."
Clank holds up a finger. "Does getting ready for a hovership competition count as easing the mind?"
I manage to give him a slight smile. Dr. Croid shrugs. "To each their own. Lastly, I have noticed that stress seemed to trigger that episode of yours, Ratchet. If you feel yourself reaching that point, I suggest removing yourself from the situation."
"…uh, right. What was bothering me the most was the squealing he was doing. It actually hurt. I think that was what really made me upset."
"Ooh, now this is important," he says, interested. "If your hearing has gotten sharper you're more susceptible to misophonia, or the dislike of certain sounds. From what I understand that can indeed make one's temper go from zero to a hundred."
"That's gonna be fun to avoid," I say dully. Looks like I'd have to leave the house whenever Clank makes tea.
"Do what you can. After all, you know the warning signs," He looks his recording device for a moment, puzzled. "...Yes! I finally got it to work. Technology and I don't get along sometimes," he turns it off and tucks it under his arm, looking between us both. "I'm no expert in the field, but it was better than being in the dark don't you say?"
Clank nods. "Yes, it is. Your input was quite helpful."
"Yeah, thanks. Uh…sorry for being paranoid earlier," I say. "I just don't want this to be a known thing."
"Oh, you don't have to worry about me disclosing this information to anyone. I'll even keep this a secret from Nevo and Mr. Dinkles if you want me to."
"That'd be…great?"
"As you wish. Now, farewell. I must be off to my lab to study this further and see if I can come to more conclusions. If I make any breakthroughs, I will contact you." He stops, scratching his head when he reaches the door.
"Do you need an escort back to the hangar?" Clank asks.
"No, no…this place rivals Ephemeris in size. I'll be able to find my way back. Eventually…" he mutters, leaving. I exhale, rubbing at my face. "…so…how about that?"
"That's some serious sci-fi stuff right there," Qwark says. I almost jump out my skin, looking over to find him casually sitting at the table. "Qwark, when did you...?!"
He holds his hands up. "I've been coming back to this exact spot for some time. It's like a 'thinking' zone to me. It just so happens that you guys set your meeting at the same time I come in here and do my daily routine of peacefully considering all of my accomplishments, in blissful silence," he lets out an easy sigh. "Apparently, my arrival went unnoticed so I sat here like a bump on a log to wait till you guys finished."
"So you heard?" I exclaim.
"Yep."
"Everything?!"
"At first I thought it was a no-sell. That guy isn't exactly…ehhh," he squints, making a strained face. "Reliable. But since I heard the low down from Clank, I figured he's probably on the mark this time. Least he didn't try to translate anything you were saying, right?"
"I did happen to tell Qwark recently, Ratchet," Clank says. "To my surprise, he used intellectual deduction and caught wind that something was off. He would not stop pestering me until I gave him details."
"Yeah, heh heh…" Qwark chuckles, then looks offended. "To your surprise?"
"Guess that makes the four of us, then," I say. "Qwark, you can't tell anyone outside of us, okay? No news stations, no other doctors, no nobodies!"
"Skrunch already knows."
"Ugh, you big...he doesn't count!"
I almost fall through the floor when I realize I was concerned about how Qwark of all people felt about me. He was complicated at times but I do have a weird sense trust in him. "I don't even know why I fell for that, since we're the only ones that can understand him. You know what I mean. Besides Skrunch, and Dr. Croid, and anyone else who's gotten an idea of what's wrong with me no telling, okay? In fact, just forget we had this conversation."
"If I forget, how would I remember what I'm not supposed to tell?"
I raise my hands, clenching them. "That's it, strangling time," I shout, right before Clank clears his throat. "If I may? Qwark, I do believe with two of the Pekengeri being locked up and the others reported as missing, it will be soon before you are allowed to leave. I suggest packing several days ahead."
"Sure, I'll do that," he says, rising from his seat. "This place has become like a thirty-seventh home to me, except I didn't have to pay rent. I'll kinda miss it."
He strolls out. I just shake my head. "It's too easy, sometimes."
For a split second, an onimous look crosses Clank's face. "Well, if you know the person you know how to outmaneuver them at times. Some are simpler than others."
"And now I…don't know what to do with myself now after hearing that news. I have no idea how to handle two parts of my mind clashing. If there was a way to negate the bad and keep the good, I wouldn't know until I stumble across it somehow."
"I have faith we will make worthy discoveries of our own, Ratchet." Clank says smoothly. "Now why don't you go lie down for a while? You still seem to be tired."
Rest. I had no arguments against that. He on the other hand seems to be in a rush to scurry off to do who knows what. I walk back to our suite with Croid's words in my head, starting to associate them and my own experiences more. I look down at my hands, as if they held the secret to my continued existence.
I was basically turning wild. It's a bizarre concept that, even as it's happening clearly, can't seem to stick in my mind as being real. Maybe it was too outlandish to be accepted yet.
My feet take me past our suite and I go with the flow. The longer I walk, the more I start to feel cold and closed in. These walls have been around me for far too long. I try to imagine walking through the deserts and crags of Veldin, wishing that I could be back. Lying out in the sun, scaling steep inclines, throwing rocks at Horny Toads…
A longing sigh leaves my chest as I walk into an empty room. I drop onto the couch with a loud, excessive grunt. That felt better. I lean back, closing my eyes, and is fast asleep within seconds. It's almost comical.
Unlike most recent dreams, the one I fall into is actually relaxing. I feel like I'm drifting along in zero gravity in a sea of little white lights surrounded by a grayish backdrop. Familiarity seems to encompass everything. Maybe I've dreamed of this place before. I see something suddenly appear in the distance, fascinated by the round speck that glows like a bluish coal.
Ratchet…
Someone's shaking me. Their touch feels light, like a phantom's. Was that them speaking, or was the voice from my dream? I don't want to wake up yet. Just a little bit longer.
"Hey..."
"Leave me alone," I mutter, half conscious. The shaking comes again, a bit more frantic. "General…go away, gramps. Not now…"
Pressure comes down on my throat, interrupting my airflow, and I get startled awake. It's still dark. The lights must have gone off while I slept. I slowly tilt my head back. A paled eye is hovering above. "How about staying bright-eyed and bushy tailed for me, machismo?"
"Have you ever heard of personal space?" I respond steadily, glaring at him.
Eyesac laughs. "I wouldn't point fingers," he starts to pull upwards and I follow, fully awake and tensed. The lights come on and by the time they do he's vanished. I quickly bolt off the couch then gag, feeling a yank at my throat. He still had his grip around my neck.
"Ah-ah-ah! Wait a minute now, hold the gravy train!"
I spit a curse at him, trying to pull his tentacle away. He starts to readjust himself, finding that it's getting difficult to hang on. "You're making this harder for yourself," Eyesac warns. I claw at my neck with both hands. The one he'd injured recently hadn't healed fully yet, but I ignore the pain. His grip is too tight and my head starts to pound. I growl as my fury ignites, baring my teeth and increasing my struggles twofold. This guy was such a jackass.
"Honestly, just…relax!" Eyesac snaps.
His tentacle slips around my left wrist, wrestling it away, and my other hand gets the same treatment. In a flash of movement I kick out, my boot striking his chin. His head snaps back and he snorts in pain as his invisibility falls. I step back then roughly swing my body around, my anger giving me more than enough strength to pull him around in a wide arc. His tentacles slip from my wrists and he goes flying, face planting into the ground.
He twists his head around as he raises it, then quickly dodges as I hurtle a punch at his face. "For the love of my mother, will you just calm down and listen to me? I'm not here to kill you!"
"The chokehold said otherwise."
He avoids me, retreating; I chase him but he beats me to the door, blocking it off. "You are asking for it," I say madly, as my hair stands on end. This was going to do me some good to blow off steam. I'm almost shaking in anticipation as I lower my stance, pounding at my chest twice before raising my fists. "Come on. You and me, round two."
"Eeee…!" Eyesac inches back. "Hold on, hold on! None of that violence, alright?"
"Put 'em up!"
"You wouldn't hurt a friend, would you?"
That was so ridiculous it causes my brain to stall for a second, and I lower my guard. I'm starting to realize this guy has that effect on people. Though instead of taking advantage of this, Eyesac nods. "Yeh, yeh! Sometimes, even the bestest of pals have arguments, right?"
"You—we—shut up," I snarl, growing incensed again. "I don't know what backwards reality you're in, but we are not friends. We're not even close to being acquaintances."
He draws something from behind his back and tosses it down. It's a…Combustor? I snatch the weapon up quickly. Thumb on trigger. Point at target. Ready to apply pressure.
I grin to myself. Got it.
Eyesac moves slowly. I watch carefully as he lies down on the ground, raising his gangly limbs in the air. I don't trust him. I'm positive it's another one of his tricks. My trigger finger twitches, prepared to get back into action after being underused for so long.
"Are you really going to shoot?" he asks.
"I'd feel pretty good about it, after you hurt Talwyn, let Psyclops loose, and woke me up," I answer. There's a slight click as my finger rests a bit harder on the trigger. "Aren't you going to at least acknowledge what you've done?"
"I have, machismo. Believe me or not. What I did was not acceptable, even by my usual standards. I had felt as though I deserved amusement as a form of self-gratification. As I look back now, I still would have done only one of those things."
"What would that be?" I ask lowly.
"Not harm Talwyn."
"It wasn't your business to have done either."
"You have a lot to be angry for, I understand. But as I told Clank…perhaps I did you better letting Psyclops go." he covers his head, but I don't do anything. "It was based on the idea that it would end up attracting more attention. The doctor, you have heard of her? She would have tried to come investigate. We can't say now if they devised an alternate escape plan for if he failed, but if so, that would have ended up being more trouble than it was worth."
"Don't you try to spin it to make it look like you were trying to help."
"That was my motivation," he insists, rising slightly. He backs down when I step closer. "I promise it was. I will admit I did some other things I wasn't supposed to while I was here. Instead of helping him kill you on the first night, I went off and left Qwark in the closet for fun. I sabotaged the power and the gas supply. I inadvertently got part of your platoon destroyed. There…I admit it all to you. That is what you wanted, yes?"
"You're a loose cannon," I state. "You don't know what you want to do, or who you want to side with. And you've caught me in a bad mood. I should go ahead and take this offer up. Save us the trouble of looking after two of you."
"Wait…! What about Clank? You trust him, right?"
"Leave him out of this."
"Rehabilitation, remember? You ride on his judgment, don't you?"
I narrow my eyes dangerously. "How do you know about that?"
"It was my idea...and it was out of honest commitment," Eyesac says. "When I presented the notion to Clank during our first talk, he became oddly interested. More than I expected. It was as if he had an enlightenment. And so he brought that idea to you, which was my goal."
I scowl, finding a direct link in his words. I probably would've kept challenging them if Clank hadn't been so passionate about the topic himself. And I had said I'd trust Clank's judgement on the matter. Something tells me I was that close to doing something out of anger I'd later regret. I clench my hands tightly, trying to calm down.
"Then you shouldn't mind explaining why you randomly snuck out of prison and choked me awake," I say. "You're making it hard for me to see if you really back up your claims of commitment."
"It wouldn't have been a chokehold if you'd stopped fumbling around."
He quickly curls in on himself when a fireball strikes the ground near him, leaving a glowing, orange welt. "I came because I still want you to make the final decision," he continues, cracking a bit under my furious glare. "I was ready to risk your judgement to at least try to negotiate with you. I apologized. I gave you the gun. I tested it, and you see it fires. If you are still angry and want to kill me for what I have done, then it's your call. But if you allow me to do so, I am ready to start over from the beginning."
I sense his true intent. He was fully vulnerable on the ground. No hesitance. No signs of deceit. He was wide open and screaming without using his voice.
I lower my head and a soft groan leaves my mouth out of acceptance. There's not a shred of doubt that he was being as truthful as possible.
He was still a moron for coming at me like this, but I honestly don't know if I would have acknowledged his advances in another situation. His nerve and his desire to get my attention does cause an unironic smirk to cross my face. I look down at the Combustor, then lower it to my side. The desire to execute him has walked off.
"I promise, I will show my strength if you allow me to be an ally," Eyesac says. "To stifle their ambiguous plans before they come into fruition, would be my hope."
"What's in it for you?" I test, folding my arms.
"Nothing, if I dare say. If I get to cut off a few heads of the hydra during my run that would be a bonus. For me, it would be different to try something to be 'altruistic' for once…you hear that word? Clank told me it!"
"No personal vendetta against them?"
"Maybe a little one. Only eviscerating their reproductive tracts would give me as much joy as overturning their goals."
"I see we have similar interests," I say, barely masking my grin. "I'm assuming by all this, you intend to gain my trust?"
"I see it more as closing another chapter, machismo…but yes. The meaning stays same. In fact, it's a bit weird," he scratches at his head. "I was supposed to act as the commissioned serial killer I was, yet upon my arrival here the desire to conform to your stances seemed to come over me."
A sneer leaves me. "You mean you had a change of heart. Stop, you're going to give me diabetes."
"Don't be so clueless. This is also out of respect for you."
I raise my brows. "Wazzat?"
"Nyeh heh heh...I was rather impressed to see how you and Clank overcame the evil monster and made him flee to the dark depths of space from whence he had come. If only that had been my ex instead," Eyesac says, cackling. "I was in the deepest awe! I had never thought anyone could do a feat such as that! And despite whatever my worth is now to you, my services are still flatly out of reverence. Whatever you say, goes, machismo."
Oh, boy. The people we unintentionally attract. I should stop right there; at least he wasn't another Tachyon. I beckon with my hand. He gets up, holding his head up high in the air. "I'm farsighted, and you're so short I can hardly see you," he explains, catching my expression.
"I'll tell you what," I say lowly, staring into his eye. "I'm still not happy with you and probably won't get over what you did right away, but it took some stones to try to come clean and work things out with me. I'll give you an honest chance. But if I catch you lying or slipping once, you are done."
"I'm not a steak, so I wouldn't ever want to be done."
If only he knew how relevant that connotation was. I hold the Combustor up. "Did you steal this from someone?"
"No, I borrowed it. I stole these."
He pulls out a familiar looking basket, and I instantly smell the contents. "How'd you get those? Clank was holding on them last."
"Qwark had them, and I snatched them away when he was looking for milk. Don't know how he got ahold of them, but here you go. Token to show friendship, eh?" He hands me the basket then backs away, like he realizes he's pushing the limits of creepiness right now. "I didn't poison them," he adds.
"Even if you had, they're so good I'd still probably risk one," I say, taking a treat out and taking a bite out of it. Oh, that was the stuff. I haven't eaten in a while, so I gladly stuff my face a few moments before going back to business. "Now, the big question. How'd you get out of the stocks?"
"I tried hard enough."
Figures. Looking ahead, his ability to escape from tight clutches should be of some use. "Well, you know you can't be walking around like this. We're going to go back. Stay close, will you? And use your invisibility, however you do it. Don't need to raise a fuss."
I tilt my head to the door, and as I pass him I see him fade out of view. It must be late since it's dark in the hallways. As the lights come on at my presence I'm reminded of something. "Were you stalking me on our first night here?"
"Yes. Is that weird? I had never seen one of your kind before but I wasn't staring for long, honest."
He doesn't bother to tread silently this time, yet his movements are still fairly quiet. It was enough for me to track him. He slithers between different positions and proximities, something that's probably just out of compulsion. Guy seems like he can't sit still for more than a few seconds.
"What are you doing up there?" I ask, glancing at the ceiling. He gives a quiet yelp of surprise, then quickly comes down to ground level.
"Wow, you're good."
I grimace. "Yeah. I've got her to thank for that."
"It's probably not as bad as you think it is. I loath to admit it, but I still feel some positive effects from when she went all sciency on me," Eyesac says. "It's too early to tell, but maybe those super senses are going to help you more than you thought."
Speaking of which. I lower my voice. "Hold that thought. Someone's gotten close." I'd heard Talwyn coming down the adjacent hall for about a half minute. She walks by several seconds later, glancing over. "Oh! There you are. I've been looking for you."
"You find another bed to flip on me yet?" I ask lightly. Eyesac chuckles lowly in my ear, and I elbow him where I think his shoulder is. She doesn't notice the weird movement, laughing slightly as she walks up.
"No…but, now that I've cooled down, and thought about things, and see that they ended up fairly favorable…" she nods a bit. "I'm fine. I don't need to complain."
"There's more," I say quietly, watching her expression fall slightly. "I just got talking to a Lombax Whisperer and he told me something undesirable. We should probably go ahead, you know, discuss that."
Talwyn's mouth twitches upwards. "Did you just say...Lombax Whisperer? Is that the same guy you told me about before?"
"Oh, geez I can't belive I just...yeah. Dr. Croid..."
"Well, I'm free now, big boy."
"Great. You mind giving me a few minutes? There's something I have to do beforehand."
Eyesac becomes visible, leering over my shoulder. "Hola, señori—"
She punches him across the face and he's instantly knocked out, collapsing to the ground. Speechless, I turn my head to stare at her.
"I've been waiting to do that."
I drag Eyesac's unconscious body back, explaining everything to Talwyn. She's not happy he escaped in the first place, nor is she crazy about trusting him yet. For someone who doesn't hold grudges it looks like she was going to maintain hers against him for awhile. I have this weird hunch that wasn't just because of what she did to her.
When we reach the stocks, no one standing outside at post. "Hmmmm. That's dandy," Talwyn deadpans. "How lucky he didn't break out to try to murder you. Who's supposed to be standing outside?"
"D07, I think…" I say. It must have been something really bothersome for him to leave and without calling for a temporary replacement. I've started to get the idea that Eyesac blindsided him to keep him quiet when I hear metallic footsteps getting closer.
"Oh, dear. It appears Eyesac has gotten out again. He is quite the slippery fellow."
"Clank?" I ask, turning to see him walking towards us. "Wait, did you say again?"
"Indeed. From our first meeting, he got out. I warned him what would happen if he escaped, but," he shrugs. "It was by his choice."
"Yeeeah, we kinda worked it out without violence, even if he was that close to having his head blasted off. Talk to Talwyn if you want to know why he's knocked out."
He gives me a bright smile. "A talk? How delightful. I am glad to see it worked out so well between you two. Trust is a must for our upcoming trials."
Something about his attitude… "Clank…" I begin slowly, then hear a panicked shout from the other end of the hall. "Ah! Ah! AHHH! Oh, nooo!" D07 shouts, clearing the space between us in a mere second. "S-Sarge, forgive me, I was responding to a call from Captain Qwark! He wanted help packing his bags, you see…and…no, there's no excuse. Sorry for leaving…"
"It's Qwark, I know how overbearing he can get. Just in case this happens in the future, at least call for a replacement, alright?"
"Ahh...well?" He lifts a finger, glancing at Clank. "That was my mistake, Ratchet," Clank says. "I volunteered to stay at his post until he returned. Unfortunately, I found myself being distracted by other matters and he must have slipped away!"
Talwyn had been boring holes into D07, but her head whips down to him in shock. "What? You're not normally that careless!"
"Forgive me…I suppose it would not be too difficult for me to make up for my misstep?" Clank asks, hanging his head.
"Well I…oh, of course not, Clank. I can't stay upset at you..." Talwyn lets out a tired sigh, placing a hand over her heart. "You guys are really killing me, here."
He peeks up at me, then quickly looks away. I shoot him a playful leer then drag Eyesac over to his post. It was more of legal requirement than anything else now. Couldn't have him roaming when they came to pick him up. Once I'm done securing him I find that Clank has already mysteriously disappeared. There's no doubt in my mind now.
That little bug-eyed tin can. He had totally been upwind on this. Questionable as it may have been, he never does anything out of reckless intent. It was an interesting game of chess he's played here.
I grin slightly. It's not because Talwyn is giving me suggestions of what we could do after the HoverDerby. That was my pal, somehow finding ways to improvise on improbable odds.
