The Mortal Instruments – FanFiction
Training Days...
Chapter 9 – A Mental Prisoner
Clary was sure she was dreaming. She felt the familiar weightless feeling of unconsciousness before her nightmare weighed her down. It was like being pulled under water - dragged into its black depths. Her blood turned to ice as she looked around the familiar room her subconscious mind had brought her to. She was in her Father's apartment. No, no, no. She thought. She shouldn't be here. Clary tried to run, but she knew what was coming. Her steps felt heavy and exaggerated as they always did in dreams. The back of a hand thwarted her across the face. She cried out, but no sound escaped her lips. Her body collapsed. Like she had gone back in time, Clary found herself lying in the shattered remains of the glass table Sebastian had once thrown her onto and broken.
She thought she was over this; clearly her subconscious was speaking otherwise. Sebastian was on top of her, his legs straddling hers. His smile was wicked and desire burned in his deep, now black eyes - his pupils dilated with lust. He ran his fingers down the sides of her bare shoulders. He moaned softly, he enjoyed touching her like that. Sebastian watched her squirm beneath him, his weight too heavy for her to throw off. Clary knew he felt the same sick burn as she did when their skin came in contact. For Clary, the feeling made bile rise in her throat. For Sebastian the sick burn made his arousal grow with each touch of their skin. It was beyond sickening. Siblings were not mean to touch each other like this. He leaned down close to Clary, his hot breath burning her skin like acid before whispering in her ear, "You cannot stay in the institute forever Clarissa. My dear sister," He smiled at the word, loving how the word 'sister' rolled on his tongue. "Where ever you go, I will find you..."
Clary awoke with a start. The cold sweat on her chest was so thick that her singlet clung to her uncomfortably. She felt momentarily restricted by the arms wrapped around her tiny frame. For several seconds, she had to remind herself that they were Jace's arms – not Sebastian's. They were so alike it frightened her. Clary gently eased herself out of Jace's arms - careful not to wake him - and sat up. Still paralysed with fear, Clary scanned the room. It was still the dead of night, the darkness of the room was not a comforting sight as it had once been to her. Jace must have turned the lights off before he went to sleep last night. Clary had made a habit these last few nights to sleep with the lights on. It was comforting to know that as soon as she woke up from her nightmares, no matter what time, she would be able to see the institute walls surrounding her; reminding her that she was safe here. As long as she remained here in its sanctuary, Sebastian's sick ways could only reach her in her nightmares.
Jace murmured in his sleep, his arms tightening in a circle as if he was aware that she was no longer there. Still unconscious, his arms slowly trailed down the bed searching for her familiar body. A small frown appeared on his angel like face - it was usually wiped clean of emotion during sleep. He was so tender and gentle in his sleep. In some ways, Jace was like a small child seeking the comfort of a teddy bear – a luxury Clary knew he never had growing up as a child. Still too jittered to lie back down, Clary reached over to the bedside table – she knew by feel where it was in the darkness. Grabbing her witchlight runestone, it glowed with her touch. She ran her thumb over it, dimming the light right down, the last thing Clary wanted was for Jace to wake up now and see her this way. She had worked too hard these last four days to convince everyone that she was okay. This was going to be her fourth night that she had hidden her nightmares from Jace, it was imperative she continued maintaining her strong composure.
Clary had thought she was over the nightmares after she had stabbed Jace a few months ago and severed the bond between him and Sebastian. The nightmares had rarely happened since. Sebastian had hardly ever plagued her thoughts until Jace had told her that Sebastian had returned. Now all her mind could think of was her brother. It was both physically and mentally consuming. She hadn't told anyone about what Sebastian had almost done to her. Her brother, her own flesh and blood had a sick sadistic crush on her. He had kissed her during their fight that night in Valentine's apartment. She could still remember the taste of his blood from when she bit his lip – it was like poison. Clary remembered when he had reached down and had started to undo her pants... Sudden nausea stopped Clary's thoughts. She got up and went to the bathroom. As usual, she sat next to the toilet for several moments as she waited for it to pass. She spent most of her time alone dry reaching or throwing up anything she ate. Already she could see her hip and cheek bones protruding more than usual. She was losing weight at a rapid pace.
Looking at herself in the mirror, Clary saw a frightened little girl. No longer was she a brave woman, a Shadowhunter. In just four days Clary's life had turned upside down. She saw a broken girl whose eyes spoke of fear. Fear of losing the ones she loved, fear of being found by her brother. Against her will, Sebastian sexually gratified her and she knew what he would do to her if he ever caught her. Her fear of physical and sexual abuse from her brother gripped her like a vice. Clary watched as tears ran down her face. In some ways, Sebastian already had her prisoner.
It was as Clary wrapped her arms around herself – trying to hold herself together – she heard Jace call her name softly from the bedroom. When she didn't respond, Clary heard Jace pull the covers off himself and tread lightly to the door of the bathroom. The door wasn't fully closed – Clary instantly regretted not closing it all the way. He reached in and switched on the light, the witchlight too dim for him to see her properly. Clary turned away, trying to act natural, like it was the bright light hurting her eyes. "Clary?" Jace half whispered, his voice layered thick with concern.
Clary's mind imploded. She knew he knew something was wrong. Finally locating her voice she replied, "I'm fine Jace. Go back to bed. I'll be there in a second. I just need to clear my... thoughts." It was the last word that broke her. Her temporary composure had cracked. A huge sob poured out from her as she broke down. Startled by the sudden outburst, Jace was momentarily confused.
Clary spluttered, "J-J-Jace, I don't know, I don't –" She bit down hard on her tongue. She was not going to tell Jace this. The last thing Clary needed was Jace going after Sebastian with another reason added to his vendetta. Her crying built up into an uncontrollable episode. She didn't cry for herself anymore, she was crying for Jace. She was crying out of the fear of telling him. Clary had locked up all her emotions about what Sebastian did to her long ago. Clary crouched onto the floor, wrapping her arms around her legs. Every grief, worry or unaddressed emotion it seemed, decided now was the best opportunity to resurface. Her brain threw her body into full hysteria as she felt her immense grief rock through her violently.
"You don't know what Clary? Talk to me! By the Angel, what is going on?" He knelt down and put his hands on either of her shoulders. He looked her dead in the eye. "What happened?"
His gaze broke through her resolute as she spluttered the words, "Jace... I didn't- I did not tell you everything about what- " She choked on her brother's name. Clary tried again. "J-Jace. I haven't told you the truth about everything that happened during the fight between S-Sebastian and I..."
Seeing Clary fall apart in his hands, Jace sat down on his bathroom floor and pulled Clary into his lap. He knew when she got like this that she only wanted him there as a comfort. Her stubbornness stopped Jace from being able to help her. They both knew only she could calm herself down. At times he found it quite painful watching her self-implode, but she refused to drag him into her battles. She was so selfless and cared for others more than she realised. Jace's mind wandered back to Clary's selfless acts he had seen her do since they met. What else had Sebastian done to her? Clary had developed a genuine fear in the last few days. She jumped at the slightest noise and flailed around in her sleep as she was plagued with nightmares. Clary thought Jace didn't know, she thought she had hidden herself 's instincts to protect Clary kicked in just thinking about her vial brother. Jace knew Sebastian had kissed Clary once back in Idris, but no one knew they were related – especially Clary. The whole concept made Jace's head and heart throb painfully.
Clary's small arms wrapped around his back tightly. She clung to him like her life depended on it. She was completely petrified. This was too much. A string of profanities ran through Jace's mind as he thought of Sebastian. By the Angel, what in the Hell had he done to Clary to have her in such an emotional state like this? Suddenly, he wasn't one hundred percent sure he wanted to know. Even just holding Clary on the floor, Jace could feel how much lighter she was. He had been watching her; she had hardly eaten anything since he told her the news of Sebastian. In a way, he regretted it. But he knew he could not keep Clary in the dark. The violent hysteria that consumed her on the other hand, was enough to make Jace wish he hadn't said anything.
Clary coughed when she finally found her words. "Jace, when you left me in the apartment with Sebastian... The night I severed the bond between you two... I told you about the fight in the apartment, remember? You asked me about all the wounds you had received from when I hurt Sebastian? Well... there is something..." Jace let his attention wander momentarily. He needed to keep control as he realised that he was not going to like what he was about to hear. Jace counted the row of tiles on the floor as Clary continued. "You know he threatened me, several times. But, when he smashed me into the glass table... He tried- " Clary cut off, almost as if she was ashamed as well as embarrassed.
"Clary. We have no secrets between each other." Jace exaggerated each word. "Clary. What. Did. He. Do?"
Clary put her head in her hands. "H-he wanted to have... he tried to have his way with me."
Jace almost vomited. He raised his hand to his mouth in time to hold it back. "No." Was all he could say. "That is sick. Sick to the bone Clary. By the Angel." Jace lifted Clary as gently off his lap as he could in his sudden frantics. He got up and washed his face and hands in the sink – suddenly feeling dirty. He scrubbed for ages, the skin on his hands turning red from irritation. The whole time, Clary remained silent and emotionless on the floor.
Enough. Calm down. Jace thought to himself. If he had any food in his stomach, it would have ended up on the floor by now. Reaching down, Jace grabbed Clary's shoulders. He didn't mean to be so aggressive, but he needed to know. "Tell me everything. Now." He swallowed. He would have to endure this. No matter how wrong it felt.
"Jace-" Clary protested. He shot her a look. This was far beyond anything he had imagined.
"Clary. Did he touch you? Did... Did he force himself onto you?" Jace closed his eyes. His control was slipping. He already knew the answer, but he still needed the confirmation from Clary. Racking his brain, Jace tried to find a word that was discreet enough to ask Clary, without freaking her out. "Did you, um... did you copulate?"
"No. Of course not!" Her face had begun turning slightly green. "I stabbed him with the glass shard remember?"
Relief was an understatement as Jace realised that Sebastian had not done the deed with Clary. Just the idea of thinking that if they had; how on earth would Clary had been able to hold this in for so long? The thought made him want to wrap his hands around Sebastian's throat so tight, he would wring his neck and watch the life fade in his eyes with a sick satisfaction. Jace felt his body naturally fall into a defensive manner. His arms and legs flourished with strength as he felt adrenaline course through his veins. He would kill Sebastian for laying a finger on Clary like that.
Clary whimpered on the floor below him. The soft sound pulling at Jace's heart strings. He needed to calm down. Using techniques Valentine taught him as a child, he mentally drove himself out of his adrenaline rush and fighting form – now was not the time to think of killing Sebastian.
Jace held Clary in his arms again as she told him how Sebastian threatened her in his temporary bedroom at the apartment. Clary explained Sebastian's sick obsession with her and how he wanted to own her, even if that included Jace. Clary quoted Sebastian, "He said, 'We can share him. I don't care what you do. As long as you know you belong to me...'"
Jace rested his chin on top of her Clary's head. The familiar smell of her soft hair gave his mind a slight clarity. He couldn't look her in the eye. Jace felt entirely at fault. He had dragged Clary to the apartment with Sebastian and himself. He had put her life in danger. He had left Clary and Sebastian to prepare for a stupid ritual against his will. He should have fought harder against the bands of control Sebastian had over him. If he had tried, even just a fraction harder, he could have stopped himself from leaving Clary with her incestuous brother. It was his fault those things had occurred that night. Clary had been so strong since now. Jace never knew of any of this. It was only now that Clary knew Sebastian was alive was she really perturbed. He would have to lie to himself now if he said he didn't know what Sebastian had planned to do to Clary if he caught her. A single tear welled up in Jace's eye. It was a rare thing for him to cry. He caused this. He had let Clary down – he abandoned her when she needed his protection most. The single tear rolled down his face – he was suddenly grateful that Clary couldn't see him.
Clary whispered, "I do not belong to him. I am so scared. He will get me... He will not stop. We both know what he wants with me..."
"Clary," Jace muttered, copying her tone. "If I had known about this. Known that he had planned and attempted to rape you... you should have just finished him when you had the opportunity. You should have killed him right there and then when you had the chance. You would have killed me as well, but if I had known what he had tried to do to you, I would have gladly died that night to save you from this."
Clary reached up and put her hands on either side of Jace's face. "You know I could never do that. I struggled enough with using the blessed sword – Glorious - against you."
Jace gestured to his bare chest, where he was now branded with the scar of the rune Lilith had drawn on him, the one Sebastian had used for his control over Jace. "You see this Clary? I am no longer joined to your brother. Believe me when I say, I will end his life for what he tried to do to you. Sebastian's demon blood will drip from his lifeless body. His thoughts are the scum of this earth." He looked Clary in the eyes and made an oath to her. "Do not think for one second, that I am ever going to let anything happen to you. I let you go once and look what happened. I will never do that again." He promised.
Jace also promised Clary that he would not tell any of the Lightwoods what happened. He could see she was a mental prisoner. Clary was stuck in her mind, plagued with the thoughts that her brother was going to rape her. Jace held her for a long time. He had been too soft. Jace was always his gentle side with Clary, but now was the time for him to rise. Now it was his turn for him to embrace his ruthless fighting abilities. Jonathan Christopher Morgenstern, he thought. I will end your life.
