Author's Note: First let me thank everyone who had reviewed, alerted, or put this story on their favorites it means a lot to me. I was going to post this chapter this morning but ran out of time before my doctor's appointment. Which by the way was really good news, my blood work came back great and she was very happy. I am too, Yeah me! So I'm going to celebrate by posting this chapter and the next one too. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Do I really need to say that I don't own them? I'm just playing with someone else's toys and do return them in the same shape I have found them (well that may not always be the case).


Three years after the papers were signed.

Severus had arrived home last night, headed straight to the shower then bed. It seemed that the dunderheads knew that he wanted to escape early and were having none of it. He huffed out a laugh when he stepped into the shower, he would never admit it to anyone but he would rather teach Longbottom again than half of the students he had this year. Not one of them stood out, not one of the older students knew what the hell they were doing. It was hard work undoing all the improper teaching they suffered, if any of them passed NEWTs or OWLs he would be surprised.

He accepted the job, his only condition was that he would leave after class on the fourteenth of May and not return until the morning of the twenty second. When he made the request he saw the look of first shock then understanding that passed over the headmistress' face but to her credit she said nothing but to accept his terms.

He laid in bed after his shower, he had thought that taking the job at the school would quiet his thoughts at night, it didn't work though. When the day was finished and he was lying in bed in the dark and quiet his mind traveled to her. Being back at Hogwarts had let him in on the gossip in the wizarding world, he had found out that Hermione left the wizarding world for the muggle after the divorce and though some of them had tried to talk to her she really didn't have anything to do with anyone other than Potter and Longbottom. Could they really blame her, he knew how most of the people that were close to her treated her before and after she married him.

When he woke with the dawn the next morning he wondered about the dream he had that night, it was defiantly not of the usual variety and he wondered about where it came from. It was some insignificant event when Lupin was teaching, he had caught Potter out after curfew with a parchment that he cast a reveal on. That was it, he woke up. He went to get something for breakfast, he had skipped lunch and supper yesterday.

When he opened the journal and started reading it this year the dream returned to his mind, he wondered picking up his wand he cast a reveal spell then flipped to a page that he knew only had few words on it to find the page fill. So she hid her more private thoughts from even herself.

He stayed on the current page, before it only contained a line about her birthday. Now it was full so he settled in to read.

~~^~~Journal Entry~~^~~

I had a thought, I wonder if he resents that I saved his life. I know he didn't think he would live, but now I wonder if he was so ready to die that in saving him all I have earned is his ire. I am still haunted by nightmares, there was so much blood. It's always crossed my mind that if he didn't want to live then why did he have the potions on him that night? Did he think his life so horrible that unknown to Riddle he was helping Severus commit suicide, just as Severus had done for Dumbledore?

I can't even honestly say why I did it other than I saw past several details that never made sense to me to see who he really was. I felt that he deserved to live in a world he help create free from death eaters and dark marks, and a very dark wizard that wanted to rule it. Why should he die for a mistake made in his youth?

Today is my birthday and as such I am going to make a wish. I wish that Severus would enjoy this second chance he has been given and not hate it so much that life is doing nothing but passing him by.

~~^~~End Journal Entry~~^~~

He set the book down, it wasn't her saving his life that he resented. No, not at all it was the way she used him to get him out of Azakban that he resented. He didn't have any rights at the time and was steamrolled into marriage with her, though in the last year he wondered if his feelings toward her in that matter were misplaced.

He flipped back to the beginning, not really much had changed in that first year. There was one entry that caught his attention, why she never said anything to him he could only guess.

~~^~~Journal Entry~~^~~

I was woken by him screaming, it's not like this is the first time but this was the most heart wrenching. It's almost like he can't wake himself from the grip of whatever nightmare he's in, it's painful to sit here against the wall and listen to him for now that the screaming stopped the words have started. He talks when he doesn't wake up, mostly an inner dialog that the world should never hear.

Tonight it's about Professor Dumbledore, I never saw the memories. I only heard bits and pieces about them, tonight the one that sticks out in my mind is Dumbledore telling Severus he was the only one that knew if it would damage his soul to help him avoid the end that was sure to come. For someone who was suppose to be so wise Dumbledore was such an idiot, of course murdering someone damages your soul. There is a difference between killing to stay alive and pre meditated murder and that is what the old man asked of Severus.

Of course it tore Severus' soul apart, his mentor the only person who ever believed in him asked him to commit an unforgivable act to what end? Make sure Riddle didn't doubt him? Fat lot of good that did, he still tried to kill Severus.

He talks about how he doesn't want to do this anymore, and how he hates the day he is sure to come. Some about how the headmaster had said please just to get him to do it when he hesitated. What tears at me the most is that the words sound like they are coming from a child, a lost, lonely child that is trying to cope with all of it.

I wish he would allow me into his rooms, it breaks my heart that I can't go comfort him. To sooth away this part of his past, if not to forget then to at least comfort him until the nightmare passes.

~~^~~End Journal Entry~~^~~

Severus laid the book down, he poured himself a drink slamming it back then poured another before returning to his chair. He could tell by her writing that she was upset that night, it was just another thing to hate himself for. He never meant for her to know such things, he couldn't control his dreams. Though he could have silenced his room, instead of playing those fucking mind games with her about how he would do anything he pleased. In doing something so petty he exposed her to his worse memories.

He stood again, he knew the next entry he would find that would cut him deeply. It was embedded so deep in him and he regretted it from the moment he did it. He grabbed his coat going outside, he needed a walk, some distance between him and what he knew was to come.


Author's Note: Comments really do make me smile and brighten my day. Also I wanted to let you know that I have a couple of Severus/Hermione videos on youtube, the link is in my profile.