Chapter 9

Thank you again for all your reviews.

still the same disclaimer as in the 1st chap. I do this for entertainment, takes me away to la la land for awhile then back to reality with reports and term papers ... the joys and pitfalls of getting a so called education.

misspellings are mine...


With a wide eyed expression and with all seriousness, Catherine says, "damn you, Sara. You got to be joking." Her taking a step back is definitely not a good sign.

I stand up. "Catherine, I..." Should I tell her now?

"Sara, I would have never, ever..." Neither would I. Not like this.

"Catherine, hear me out. Please." I take a step closer. It's now or never.

She smiles. "Sofia, huh."

"What?" Okay, this is not real.

"So it's Sofia. Wow!" She's grinning ear to ear. This is not what I had in mind at all.

"Uh, Catherine, it's..."

She's lost in her own illusion. "She is attractive, you know. I never thought you'd go for a woman. Let alone a blond. But hey, this is the twenty first century." She pauses and looks at her hands. And almost in a whisper, "she's young and beautiful. Good choice, Sara."

I'm standing infront of her now. "Catherine..."

"Sofia, huh." She looks up at me, It sounds like she's...dissapointed?

And here I am again, lost. The twinkle in her eyes seems fading fast. It almost looks like she's... sad.

Why? Because Sofia's younger than her? Does she feel that her time is fading? Threatened by someone younger? She mustn't think that! She is still as lovely as the first time I've set eyes on her. Actually, lovelier! She shouldn't feel insecure. She shouldn't. Not my Catherine...

God, the feeling I have for her are building up so fast! I have this strong urge of wanting so much to take her in my arms and hold her, comfort her. Tell her what I feel. Keep her forever. Make her mine.

I need to tell her. Now. "Cath..."

"Since when?"

"Excuse me?"

"With Sofia."

"I...I..."

"That's okay. Well, I guess...here then." She reaches out and gives me a hug. "Be happy."

At first I do nothing, actually surprised by her gesture. Then I come to my senses and slowly my hands wrap around her. I close my eyes and hold her tight. Don't let me go, Catherine, please...

She suddenly breaks away. "Well, I'm getting sleepy. I'll show you where you'll sleep."

And that was that.


She leads the way upstairs. I follow quietly. I'm lost in thought. Confused as hell. Angry at myself for letting this moment slip by. Why am I such a coward?

She opens a door. "This is Lindsey's. The sheets are new, I also left a towel on the bed." She points down the hall, "The bathroom is to the left. If you need anything, my bedroom is to the right." Her tone is a little flat, almost emotionless.

I mumble a 'thanks'. I am such an idiot!

"Well, okay." She looks at me, "good night then." There seemed to be a change the way she looked at me. Or is it just me?

I watch her walk away. My heart is screaming for her to stop.

No! I need to get this straight!

"Catherine!" What am I doing?

She turns around. "Yeah?"

Damn it! "Uh, good night." Coward! Coward! Coward!

She nods, "sleep tight, Sara." Then she walks in and closes her door.


Thirty minutes has passed and still I'm pacing inside Lindsey's room. This is all too wrong. All wrong. Catherine, Catherine, Catherine, you're wrong. I'm falling in love with you not Sofia. Was never her. But is all you. Why would she think that?

Whoa! I'm falling for Catherine? Loving Catherine...so what if I do? She did say it is the twenty first century!

All the tension we have when were together, working on cases, butting heads. Is it because I'm attracted to her? Sexual tension maybe? Maybe that's one of the reasons I love pushing her buttons making her angry because all of those energy and feelings are focused on me. Me alone! How sick is that? I never realized the excitement I feel when she walks in a room, just seeing her there. Or the heat my body feels working side by side with her. How I get goose bumps watching her make a perp confess. Damn, it's sexy how she stares into their eyes, they're always a goner when it comes to Catherine.

Whatever she does, whatever move she makes, Catherine breathes in sexiness.

Let alone the hunger I feel to be close to her. I'm now realizing of the countless times of my need to see her before the shift starts, by her just being close by comforts me. Even if we end up debating or arguing, I'm realizing that I loved being in the same room as she's in. Just her being there. Or how I'm such in a mood when it's her day off. Good golly, I am attracted to her!

Grissom, hell. Why am I with him in the first place? I must of been desperate for attention or something!

She has to know. I may be humiliated tonight, worst even, be rejected. But she has to know. She should know that it's not Sofia but her. Always has been her.

Okay, It's now or never. James Bond never had a problem with women before...

Name's Sidle, Sara Sidle. Stirred not shaken.

Damn! The walking to her room seems endless when your nervous!

Here goes nothing...


Knock...knock...

She opens her door. "Sara?"

"Uh, hey. I, uh...ummm...damn it!" Yeah, right. real suave, Sara.

"Are you okay, Sara?" Hell, no!

I hold up my toothbrush like a robot. "Toothpaste. I forgot to bring mine. Could I borrow some?" Oh, that's brilliantlly lame.

She smiles at me. "Come in. I guess you didn't want to use Lindsey's bubble gum flavored toothpaste."

I follow her inside. She heads to her bathroom and brings out a tube. I put some on my toothbrush.

I noticed her bed was still untouched. She hasn't turned the covers down. She's not sleepy either?

"Sara, are you okay?"

"Huh? Sorry, yes. I just wanted to tell you that... ummm...to say 'thanks' again, for tonight." Suuuure...real slick, Sara.

"Anytime, Sara. I'm here for you."

"Thanks, Catherine."

I walk out her room and straight into the bathroom. Locked the door behind me. I turn on the faucet and sit on the cold tiled floor. It hurts like hell to be near her and not say the words. I can't take this anymore!


This is ridiculous. It's nearing two thirty in the morning and I can't sleep. Maybe if I go down and warm up a glass of milk...

Hmmm. Catherine's light is off. Might as well go down as quietly as I can...

tip toe... tip toe...through the tulips...quietly through the meadows...tip toe...tip...

"Can't sleep either, Sara?"

"What the..! Catherine? I didn't see you sitting there. I...I couldn't sleep." Good golly! Good thing I didn't react and kick the living daylights out of her! Why is she sitting in the dark? "I was planning to warm up a glass of milk."

She turns on the side lamp. I squint my eyes to adjust to the light. She's sitting on the sofa, legs tucked under her. Jusy sitting there quietly. Looking adorable. And fragile.

"Yeah, go ahead," she says quietly, " get me a glass, too, if you don't mind. I guess I'm on one of my sleepless nights again."


I hand her a warm glass of milk and sit beside her. We drink quietly and slowly for a few moments.

"So when did you know?"

"Know what?"

"That... that you had a thing for her. For Sofia."

"I..it's..I...I..uhh..." Never knew I'm great at stammering!

"Sorry if I'm getting too personal, Sara. We can talk about something else."

"No. It's okay. I'm attracted to..." YOU! " I...I guess my attraction started when I first met..." YOU!

She finishes off. "...when you met... Sofia?" It's like it was so hard for her to say her name.

"We get assigned to alot of cases together. You really get to someone when you spend alot of time together. The little odds and ends, the little quirks that make us, us. It all becomes a part of you. Part of our lives. To the point, it seems everything feels comfortable. Everything fits. I guess... "

Catherine bends her head down looking into her half empty glass. "Go on, Sara," she says quietly, "tell me."

I turn my head and look directly in her eyes. "I'm finding out now that I just love being next to her. The warmth, the feeling of belongingness. How much... she fills me."

She turns away. "She's lucky then."

"I don't know if I can say that." I place my empty glass on the coffee table infront. "She doesn't know it." I added quietly.

"Tell her."

"And if she laughs and rejects me?"

"Then she has a problem."

I lean back and smile, finding her response funny.

She looks at me and creases her brows. "What's funny?"

"It's not that easy. And because I wouldn't know how to tell her. It's awkward for me. I've never done this before."

"It's easy. Actually nothing to it."

I face her again. "Excuse me?" Now I'm surprised!

"Just say you're attracted to..Sof..to her. Get it over and done. If she returns the feeling, you're set. If she says 'no' then at least you tried. And now you know where you stand. It'll be weird at first but time passes. And then, time...passes. It is better to know and know where you are than not to know." She takes another drink, "actually it will be her greatest loss to say 'no' to you."

"I gather you've done this before." I look at her with a raised eyebrow.

She looks at me with a mischievious smile, "This is Vegas and I'm not saying or confessing to anything, Sara Sidle."

Is it possible? Has she had a relationship with another woman before? I may have a shot here! "So I just say it and get over it?" I hope she can't tell my voice is a pitch higher now!

"Somewhat like that."

I stand up. "Okay, I will." This is my moment!

She raises both eyebrows in surprise. "You...you will tell Sofi...you're going to tell her?"

"I need to let her know how I feel."

"Oh." Dissapointment in her voice?

I don't know why I'm slowly getting excited. It could be nothing but... it could be something! This is going to surprise her! Oh, god...my palms are starting to sweat, my heart is beating like a congo drum! Okay, here I go...! "Ca..."

But she stands up. "Well, I best turn in now. Long day tomorrow. Good luck with that, Sara."

And she's goes upstairs quickly.

I'm left here in the living room, excited as a swinging monkey, my mouth hanging open ready to tell her everything... and she's gone.

Again.


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