Ch. 9: One Step Forward
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.
EPOV
We left the stage, and I noticed that Jacob Black was no longer sitting at a table. That didn't bother me one bit, now he knew that he didn't have a chance with Bella. I just hoped that he meant what he said about talking to her again; that would mean the world to Bella.
The first person to speak to me when we reached the bar was Rose. She grabbed my shoulder and turned me to face her completely.
"I wasn't too sure what to think of you before, Edward, but right now, I think that one day I might consider liking you."
"Thank you. I have been wondering how to get in your good graces, Rose. My life feels like there's a huge fucking void where your friendship should be. I might not make it."
Everyone laughed at my sarcasm. Well, everyone except Rose.
Probably not the best idea to piss her off, but too late now.
"Well, I will say this. I would never dance around like that." Jasper said as he looked over at Alice. She glared at him, and he started to stumble out a response, "I mean I would dance around and look stupid for you, Alice, but in the privacy of our apartment. My Ali would like a little strip tease, right?" He reached over and tickled her side.
That settled that, I would never go over to their apartment without Lysol or bleach wipes.
I shook those thoughts away and focused on the girl beside me. I really wanted to talk with Bella, but as I started to say her name, we were cut off by Jacob.
I really thought he had left so I was shocked when he spoke.
"Hey guys, long time no see." He looked at his old acquaintances. "It's weird that the first night I'm in town I end up at the bar you all work at." He stuck out his hand towards the guys. Jasper and Emmett looked a little unsure of what to do, but ending up shaking his hand.
"Yeah, man. It's been years." Emmett nodded his head.
"Going on three years to be exact. All of which involve you being an asshole and ignoring Bella, so forgive me if I don't even want to look at you." Rose got up and walked off.
I felt the urge to buy her a present. Maybe send her flowers.
Alice didn't say anything but just tore at the label on her beer bottle. Finally, Bella broke the silence.
"Edward and I are going to get home. We'll see you all later." She turned to Jacob. "Just come around again sometime. It was nice seeing you."
She reached for my hand and started leading me out of the bar.
No one said anything else to us, and I saw Jacob walk back to his table.
I was going home with Bella.
I tried to be calm. I tried to not panic. It wasn't working.
Bella and I walked to her apartment in silence. She let go of my hand once we were outside the bar, and I immediately felt a loss.
This was oddly familiar.
We had walked much like this to her apartment the other day, after I had beat up Mike Newton. Our talk after that hadn't turned out bad at all, however, this one might.
I was going over ways in my head to speak with her and let her know that I wouldn't fuck up again. I wanted to be with her, but I didn't want her to see the kind of places I stayed. I didn't want her to get a glance of my motel room and see that I only owned a few items of clothing and a fucking guitar. Itwould cause her to leave my ass.
It was self-preservation again, but I had a feeling that if I wanted any relationship with Bella, I was going to have to forget about that instinct or it was going to fuck me over.
I knew I wanted to be with her, but all the extra pressure my mind put on me was making me heavy with worry. I didn't want her to see where I lived, and I didn't want her to think that I needed to mooch of her to survive either.
When we got inside, Bella walked to the kitchen and poured us each a glass of water. I could have gone for a shot right now, but she obviously wanted to keep us sober.
"Here ya go. So how have you been? You obviously got your guitar fixed, right?"
She said that with a little edge in her voice. My guitar had been fine; I just needed a reason to run away that morning. Should I go along with the lie? I didn't have time to decide before Bella cut back in.
"Why did you lie to me? I can understand Saturday got a little awkward, but you didn't have to run away. Then I had to find out from the motel guy that you hadn't left your room all day?"
She came to see me? Fucking hell. I guess she saw the motel anyway. I started to speak, but she stopped me again.
"I need to get this all out so don't speak until I'm finished, and then you can talk. If you don't want a relationship other than friendship, alright, I can do that. The only time you seem to want me is when there is another guy around that shows interest anyway. So, Edward, I'm telling you this once and once only. Do not try and stop me from dating someone or try to stop a guy from talking to me again. You obviously don't want me that way unless there's a chance that someone else could take me out of play. I'm not a toy."
She took a deep breath and finished, "You're a really good guy, and thank you for tonight, but I think maybe we should give each other some space. I want you to really think about everything, Edward. Do you really 'adore' me because you want to be with me, or did you just say that because Jacob suddenly appeared?" She paused for a moment. "You have a hold on me, that much is certain, I just don't want that declaration to be some kind of attempt to keep me with you without an actually promise of a relationship."
Fuck me.
She thought I said that to her because I was threatened by Jacob. While that is a little true, it wasn't the only reason for it. I said it because she looked so happy and beautiful. We were having fun, and in that moment I saw myself being with Bella for the rest of my life. I couldn't tell her I loved her yet because it was so quick, so I just said the next best thing.
Then I realized that she never said anything back.
After that flittered through my mind I was stuck on one word. Space.
Bella didn't want to hang out like we had been doing. She didn't want to continue our question game. She sure as fuck didn't want me spending the night. I felt so stupid, as I looked beside the coffee table to see my duffle bag lying there. Then I felt like I wanted to cry because everything I fucking owned was in Bella's apartment right now. All my fucking clothes, my guitar, I even packed my sheets because I didn't want housekeeping to come and take them.
I felt my breathing pick up as I was pushed into the realizations that not only were all my possessions here, but the only person I had ever felt anything for was telling me that we needed to take a time out. Saturday was fucking perfect, and then I spazzed out.
I felt Bella's hands on my shoulders, but I didn't hear anything she said. All I heard was the blood pounding in my ears and my erratic breaths.
I was going to fucking lose Bella, and I didn't even have her yet.
I was in the middle of a full blown panic attack when I was overtaken with a memory of my mom. I was fourteen, and my first girlfriend had broken up with me. I was devastated.
"Edward, son, it's not the end of the world. There is someone out there for you that is so much better. One day, you will look into some lucky girls' eyes and know in that moment that she was meant for you."
I was shaking my head and wiping tears. "No, Mom. There is no one for me. I just know it. I'm going to live with you until I die."
My mom laughed at little and gestured wildly as she spoke, "You make that sound horrible, Edward. I cook and clean. You would live a life of luxury."
I didn't say anything, and we were both quiet. After a few minutes she spoke almost in a whisper, "Edward, don't ever give up. You might not find her soon, but there's someone for you and Edward, you will make her happy. You will love her completely. You are capable of so much so don't sell yourself short." Then she sighed and pulled me in for a hug. "I can't wait to meet her."
My mom would have adored Bella. She was right, I did make Bella happy, but Mom never told me that I would always make Bella doubt herself or make her feel like a possession.
I felt her hands shake me gently, and I finally heard her voice.
"…be okay. Everything's fine. Look at me, Edward. Breathe. Slow, deep breaths."
I started doing what she said. I made my breathing even out and was finally calm enough to speak.
"I never meant to make you feel like that. You are not a toy to me, Bella. You are so much more, and I don't know how to act. I've never done this before, and I'm failing, epically. Just give me another chance, please. Tell me what to do."
Her brow furrowed a little.
"I just want you to be honest with me. Don't lie. If things get awkward then we need to figure out why that happened. It's not all your fault. I'm insecure in everything. I mean you're so handsome and talented, and I'm just me. Everything about you is so dynamic, Edward. Anyone would be lucky to have you. Now, tell me why you freaked out just now."
She wanted me to be honest that meant having to explain my panic attack. Fucking stellar. If she thinks she's insecure then I don't know what the fuck my title should be. This woman had on such rose-colored glasses when it came to me. She didn't see herself clearly at all.
"Bella, you're gorgeous. You are so sincere and sweet. Fuck, you don't even notice it. Everyone you meet loves you. That's because they can tell so quickly that you are a good person. You deserve so much better than what I can give you, than what I am."
"That's for me to decide, isn't it?" She bit her lip and looked up at me.
"Let me finish this, okay?"
Bella nodded, and I continued, "When I said that to you tonight, that I adored you, it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly who you are. You're a hell of a woman. You're the one, Bella.
"Please, just give me another chance. I will prove myself to you, I promise. I will be what you need."
I looked up from my lap and saw that Bella was looking at me with eyes wide and her mouth parted. She looked like she was trying to say something, but no words came.
"I'll let you think about it. I'm sorry for how I acted before."
I got up and grabbed my bag. My guitar was propped by the door. I was halfway down the hallway when I heard footsteps. I turned to see Bella walking fast, and before I had time to think, her arms were wrapped around my neck and her fingers were gripping my hair. I dropped the bag on the floor and pulled her to me.
Her lips were so close to mine.
"Don't go."
I answered with a deep kiss. I moved my hands to the back of her thighs and picked her up, Bella's wrapped her legs around my waist as I walked us toward her bedroom. She pulled back a little and said, "We need to finish talking, Edward."
I grunted an affirmation and continued walking until I could sit her down on the bed. My hands trailed up her thighs to the hem of her shirt.
"Do you want to stop? Tell me to stop and I will."
"Touch me." It was almost a whisper when she said it, but it shot straight through body.
I pulled the shirt up and over her head. I was met by the beautiful sight of an almost naked Bella. She was wearing a pale pink, lacy bra. It looked so innocent against her skin. That thought put me in check quickly. Bella was pure.
I moved my kisses from her lips to her neck. I kissed languidly over her shoulder and collar bone alternating between kisses, licks, and the occasional nip. When I kissed a particular spot she liked she would pull on my hair slightly. My left hand had moved from its position on her waist up her ribs to settle right below her breast. Her breathing picked up, but she never stiffened.
I felt the soft material under my fingers then the fullness of her breast in my hand. I squeezed gently and brushed my thumb over her excited nipple. That earned a gasp and tug on my hair.
No one has ever touched my hair the way she does.
My mouth finally made it to her lace covered breasts, and I gently licked along the edged before sliding my tongue under the material to graze her peak.
"Edward!" Bella gasped out right beside my ear, and I felt her arch into me.
My pants where becoming extremely uncomfortable now, and that sound almost sent me over the edge.
I stopped my kisses and looked up at her.
"You are absolutely breathtaking, Bella. I could do this all night."
I switched over to her other breast and did the same thing before reaching behind her, feeling for the clasp. I keep feeling for it, never moving my mouth from her breasts. I heard her giggle after a few seconds.
I stopped and looked up. Surely I wasn't doing anything worth laughing at.
She reached behind her and grabbed my hand. I didn't know what she was doing. She smirked at me and said, "Front clasp, Edward."
I felt my cheeks heat in an uncharacteristic blush, and she giggled again.
"Like I would fucking know how a bra works. I'm not a fucking expert at this, ballerina," I muttered.
I took my hand back and went to the front of her bra, but stopped at her words.
"Aren't you?"
I was confused as shit and looked up at her.
"Aren't I what?"
"An expert. I mean, I find it hard to believe that this is new for you. Not that I'm saying I like that you have experience. If you do that's alright. Oh my God…"
She clapped her hand over her mouth. She was blushing and jumbled.
"I swear I didn't mean it like that. Please, make me shut up."
I kissed her then and the next sound she made was a whimper as I pulled back.
"We should probably stop anyway, love; gotta finish talking and all that. Besides I don't want you to do anything with me without you knowing everything you want to know."
BPOV
I was my own biggest cock blocker. Why couldn't I just shut up and let him take off the bra? I was so close to getting everything I ever wanted, and I had to call him a manwhore.
Now I'm stuck laying in bed in my pajamas waiting on Edward to get done in the bathroom so he can tell me all about his past exploits and the reasons for his panic attack.
The man looks like a model. He can sing and play guitar. He travels all over the country. He has a killer smile. I'm sure there are many women all over that have fallen for his charms and into his bed.
I tried to talk myself down. I repeated the mantra in my head. I will not be jealous. He's here with me.
I was going to see how well this worked after I got the full Edward sexual scoop.
I was too lost in thought to even notice that Edward had opened the door again.
"You alright, love? You look a little pale?" He looked worried as he walked over to the bed.
"No, fine. Just thinking. My mind is going a mile a minute." I took a big breath. "So I guess we should start this talk about the ghosts of bedrooms past."
I snorted at my own joke. There were no ghosts haunting me. This would be a short convo on my end.
"What would you like to know, Bella?"
I could feel my face heat up, and my heart started beating really fast.
"How many women have you been with?" I looked down. I didn't want him to see the jealously in my eyes, because as much as I said I wouldn't be I sure as hell was jealous.
"My number stands at two. Only one of those was more than once though. I was with Tanya around three months. The second girl was just once and that whole situation is one of the reasons why I don't get drunk anymore. I haven't been with a woman, in any way, in three years. So I'm safe, if you were worried about that." He was looking and the comforter tracing patterns with his finger.
"I'm not proud of these things, Bella. I know I can't change them, but I wish I could. I didn't care for either of them and that makes me feel fucking awful because my mom taught me better than that, but I was stupid."
Wow. Just two. That was a hell of a lot better than I was thinking. He could probably get whoever he wanted.
I didn't realize I said that who thing out loud until he answered.
"I could, probably. I just knew that it wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want meaningless sex, and I sure a fuck didn't want one night stands in every city. If I had done that and then found you, I don't think I could have pursued you at all."
"So what happened to them? The girls, I mean?"
He took a deep breath and started.
"I ended up finding Tanya in bed with another guy. I was shocked, but it didn't really shake me. I didn't care for her deeply, so I just packed my shit and left. I found out later that she set it up. Some people told me she said that she wanted to see me fight for her. I guess she didn't realize how not dedicated I was to that mission."
He shook his head and chuckled slightly.
"I'm sorry. That really is awful no matter how you took it." I couldn't stop myself. The man's longest relationship ended because she cheated on him. That was sad to me.
"Trust me, I was fine. I just went to L.A. and started over. I didn't mess with girls though. I had decided that it was just too messy. So after Tanya it was two years before I did anything and that was a major fail on my part. I was lonely and wasted and there was a girl." He shook his head and closed his eyes.
Edward stopped there and didn't continue. I wanted to know about this girl. The way he was avoiding details made me think that something bad had happened.
"And. What happened?"
"I don't really want to go into details, Bella. It's not my proudest moment, and I sure as fuck don't want you thinking any worse of me."
"The more you avoid the worse I think it is. Just tell me."
He got up from the bed and started pacing. He was running his hand through his hair and tugging on it.
"I met her at a bar, and by the time I actually started talking to her I was so far gone. She was nice enough and kept touching me. I liked the attention. I hadn't been with anyone in so long, and I didn't have friends. I felt sorry for myself, and one thing led to another. Before I knew it, I was in the bathroom of this shitty bar trying to put my pants back on.
"I felt sick about what had happened. I couldn't really remember whether or not I used a condom because I sure as hell didn't carry any on me. So I came back the next night and found her. Her name was Bree. She thought I was back for more, but I just wanted to make sure that we were protected. She said that we were, but I didn't want anything to happen. I mean what if I got her pregnant and then just left? I stuck around. I didn't speak with her again until the day she told me that everything was fine, and she was definitely not expecting. Then, she called me the clingiest one night stand ever."
He looked so frustrated. He was gripping his hair in one hand and had his other balled into a fist at his side. He took a deep breath and continued with his explanation.
"That's it. That's everything about me and sex. This all contributed to my little break down earlier. So just to recap everything, so you can get a full picture of what a huge fucking loser I am. I have no real job, or education. I fucked girls that I cared nothing about. Also, everything I own is currently, right here, in this apartment. I don't think I missed anything. Is that everything you wanted to now? Are you going to tell me to leave now since you can finally see that I don't have shit to offer you? I can't even offer you myself because I let other women touch me. I would be taking too much from you and giving nothing in return."
I didn't want him to leave. I didn't see him that way at all. He was so insecure in his own life that he thought everyone else saw him a certain way. I could care less about his job. I knew he didn't graduate high school, he ran away before he finished. I knew he didn't have a lot of possessions either. I mean it would be kind of hard traveling all over the United States with boxes once a month. His sexual history was a lot less devastating than I thought it would be so that didn't sway my decision on him.
None of this mattered before, and it didn't matter now. I loved him, even though I hadn't come directly out and said it; that wouldn't change because of this. I mean I hated the fact that those girls had been with him like that, but the situation with Bree just proved that Edward was a good guy. Not many men would hang around to make sure there wasn't a baby.
He confused me so much.
"Why would I tell you to leave? Edward, you know that I don't think badly of you. In fact, I'm impressed that you would even go back to make sure that you were responsible with Bree. I also find it pretty hilarious that she called you clingy. Usually, people would say that was backwards when dealing with that type of situation."
He looked at me like I had lost my mind. Edward was openly staring with his mouth hanging wide open.
"I'm not going to tell you that I'm not jealous because I am. If it was me telling you stuff like that you would be too. It's the past though, and you weren't promiscuous, Edward. I seriously think that I have met guys who go through that many girls in a weekend. Not five years. As for everything else, I love your job, if you want to get your GED we'll work on it for you, and I have plenty of material things for the both of us."
He was looking down now, and when he caught my eyes again, I saw that he had a couple of tears running down his cheeks, and his eyes were watery. It really broke my heart.
"You mean that? All of it?"
"Of course. Edward, I wouldn't lie to you. And besides, they didn't touch you like I do. It's different isn't it? I mean, when I touch you."
He crossed the room and hugged me tightly.
"You have no fucking idea. You touch sets my skin on fire," Edward whispered quietly.
We embraced quietly for a few seconds before Edward pulled away.
"Now I believe that it's your turn, Bella. Tell me all your dark secrets."
EPOV
She laughed at that and scooted away from me.
I couldn't believe how understanding and compassionate she was. She took everything I said in stride and even offered solutions for the problems I thought I was burdening her with. This just proved, once again, that Bella was way too good for me. I felt like a pussy, as I shed a few tears because of her selflessness.
Bella brought me back to the present when she started talking.
We were now facing each other on the bed.
"I don't have anything to tell really. So far tonight has been the farthest I have ever gone with anyone."
"There's not a fucking thing wrong with that." I sure as hell meant it. I still wish that I didn't have to tell her all that earlier. "Was I your first kiss then?" I couldn't help the smugness in my voice because it was a pretty good bet that I was the first guy to taste those lips.
"Alright. You're going to hate this, but no you weren't."
Well, fuck.
My smug demeanor deflated immediately. Then I knew who it was, before she even said the fucking name.
"It was Jacob, right? How did that happen?" I couldn't disguise the disgust in my tone.
She looked at me funny and laughed.
"Actually it wasn't Jake at all. It was Mike." My mouth must have dropped open because she laughed again before she explained. "I went to a party with Alice and Rose, and he was there. I had a little to drink, and when I turned around he was right in front of me. He gave me some generic line then leaned in and kissed me. I went with it for a second then realized what was happening and stopped. He hasn't stopped following me around since. It didn't help that I had a class with him last semester. He thinks we're meant to be." She said that lost part in a sarcastic sing song voice.
I was trying so hard to keep my anger in check. That fucker had kissed her and it was just a few months ago, too. No wonder he thought he had a chance. Well too fucking bad because I was the one in her bed and I had just been kissing her soft, full breasts.
"Well, I feel really fucking bad for him. You two aren't meant to be shit. I think he figured that out the hard way though. So that's it, just Newton? Surely you have guys that follow you around?"
"Not really. You have to remember that I came to Forks around the same time I could start dating. I saw what Alice and Jasper and Rose and Emmett have, and I didn't want to settle. If I didn't feel something at the beginning then I just didn't try to force anything."
"I think that if I would have met you at seventeen then we would be married by now."
I didn't even think about it before I said it. I was trying to think of something to say that would break the tension but Bella spoke first.
"I think you're probably right." She sighed, "It's late; we need to go to sleep. Alice is dragging us shopping tomorrow."
I just nodded, and we curled together under the blankets. I had my arms wrapped around Bella with my chest pressed against her back. I started to drift off to sleep when Bella spoke again. This time is was quiet, and she didn't sound too sure of herself.
"Edward, if all your things are here anyway then why don't you just stay with me?"
In that moment, I reverted back to being an insecure coward. I pretended to be asleep. She didn't speak again, and soon I felt her breathing even out.
I felt a tension in my chest thinking about her offer. I wanted to be with her, but at the same time, it all felt so permanent, and I wasn't used to that. I liked the freedom. It all felt like this whole situation was moving way too fast again, and I was getting jumpy. If I could put this off for a little while then the idea of sharing space with Bella might not sound so bad.
I just needed to figure out how to do that.
Thanks for reading!
