The title of this chapter comes from Within Temptation's song "Forgiven". The italics with single quotations ( ' ' ) are memories. Italics with double quotations ( " " ) are...well, you'll see.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note or Within Temptation's song



The smell of lilies.

A constant dripping.

Ceaseless beeping.

It took me a long time before I was able to separate the individual noises and it was even longer before I was able to identify any of them. Shoes scuffing along the linoleum floor; a clipboard being scribbled on. There were sounds, but there was no sight. Everything was dreamlike and the darkness encased me completely. Was I alive? Dead? Did it even matter?

I felt…pressure on my eyes, but I didn't have the energy to move my hand to feel at it. As a matter of fact, it felt like I was being loaded with morphine. No pain, just pressure. I think my fingers flexed. What I assumed was a nurse set down the clipboard; almost immediately a door clicked shut. I was alone, somewhere; probably in a hospital. Why did my chest tighten? Why was I scared?

"You're awake." My body tensed at the soft voice. I guess that I'm not alone, but who was there? That voice sounded so familiar, but I just couldn't place it. "Don't worry," the voice continued. "You have a serious concussion, so you may be a bit confused for a while."

"Concussion?" The word felt heavy on my lips.

"Yes. You were in an accident over a week ago and received a severe concussion, brain damage. On top of that, you were dehydrated, sleep deprived, and in a terrible mental state."

Those were a lot of words, but they didn't really make sense to me. "Who…who am I? Who are you?"

The voice chuckled, but there was no humor in it at all. "Your name is Mail Jeevas."

That name shot through my body like a current of electricity. Panic bubbled up and I wanted to run, wanted to get away from here. But why? Why?!

"H-how do you know that name?" I hissed, not really understanding why I was reacting this way.

'You are no longer Mail Jeevas. He is as good as dead. From now on, you will be referred to as Matt.'

"Well, I know many things."

'This is Wammy's House, a place for gifted orphans. Try to make friends.'

"Don't toy with me!" Mind games, I was so sick of them. It just made the pressure build up even more in my head.

"My apologies. Perhaps it's still too early to talk with you." The sound of clothing sliding down a chair reached my ears, and then I heard soft socks shuffling across the linoleum.

"Wait," I whispered. "Who are you?"

There was a pause. "You can call me, Near. Just Near."

~_~_~_~_~_

"Remember me."

Remember who? There were so many things that buried in my mind, and it was frustrating not to be able to pull them up. Who was Near? Why did he annoy me with his presence alone? He would sit beside me, not saying a word, for a good twelve hours every day. Then he would disappear and be gone for the next twelve hours. Just like clockwork. I was confused. If he cared about me, why didn't he speak to me? Where did he go? If he bothered me so much, why didn't I have the energy to tell him to go?

Because I was scared.

He was sitting next to me a few days later. The doctors wanted to check my eyes, so they were going to pull away the gauze and bandages that had covered up my sight. Near commanded the nurses to pull all the blinds close and to turn off the lights except for the lamp next to my bed. They all did what he said, and then I felt thin fingers begin to unwind the bandages. Cool air brushed against my exposed eyelids and I sighed in relief. The pressure was relieved.

"His eyes are extremely photosensitive, so please refrain from flashing that ridiculously bright light into his eyes." Always bossing around people, like he felt the need to be heard. It was annoying.

"Of course," the doctor replied. "Now, Matt, please try to open your eyes."

Matt, he called me Matt instead of Mail. This name felt safer, it didn't scare me. "Ok," I replied before forcing the thin flesh protecting my eyes to pull up. It was hard, but I kept trying. I could see some blurry figures moving around, but I wasn't able to focus on anything.

"Can you see how many fingers I'm holding?" the doctor asked and I shook my head slowly. I didn't want to make my head hurt even worse. "What do you see?"

"Blurry crap," I mumbled. "I see things moving, but I can't focus."

"I see," he replied. "Well, let's just keep these bandages off your eyes and see if they will adjust."

There was some more scribbling on the clipboard and then the doctor left along with all the nurses. As usual, Near stayed by me. Looking to the side, all I saw was white. White blurry fuzz balls. "What are you wearing?" I asked, wondering if my eyes were completely screwed over.

"White pajamas." Such a blunt answer. So, at least I could see color, or the lack thereof.

"Why are you wearing pajamas? It's the afternoon."

"They are comfortable."

"So?"

"So, what? They are comfortable, so I wear them."

"That's lame," I snorted.

There was a silence between us for a little longer before Near decided to once more attempt to talk to me. "Do you remember Wammy's House?" he asked softly, shifting uncomfortably in his seat.

"Wammy's House, isn't that a place for gifted orphans?" I mumbled. It felt like the name should have meant a lot more to me, but that was all I was able to come up with.

"Yes, it was. It was a place built to create the next L."

"L?"

"Yes. There were large gates and a high fence that surrounded the place. The house itself was large, almost worthy of being called a mansion. It had soft carpeting that was worn down by so many feet running over it."

A picture was being painted into my mind, and I was helpless to the brush strokes. Those gates always glinted so prettily on the warm sunny days. That large house always scared me if I was alone and that's why I walked everywhere with…wait, the name escapes me. Who did I walk down those halls with?

"I…was there?"

"We were there," Near replied, still speaking softly as if he was afraid that his very voice would break me. "We were both there."

"Someone else, I was walking with someone else."

"…There were many people at Wammy's House."

I could sense that he was keeping something from me, but I was too tired to press for more information. If he was going to be a jackass, that was fine with me. Besides, keeping my eyes open for so long was wearing me out. I needed a nap. Being careful not to hurt myself, I rolled over to my side and sighed.


"Sheesh, Mattie, you always want so many kisses."

I was a little ashamed, but I couldn't help it. His kisses were so addictive, and I couldn't live without them. We were older now, and understood what kisses really meant. Still, we didn't stop like we should have. "Can I have one, or not?" I asked a little grumpily.

Sighing in annoyance, he pulled me behind a tree where we probably wouldn't be caught. Even though he always acted as if it were a chore, once he kissed me, that train of thought would go out the window. He would cling desperately to me, shyly opening his mouth to let me in. This time was no different. My clumsy fingers ran through his hair, pulling his mouth closer to mine and his thin fingers held my waist.


I could never really see his face. It was always in a shadow; however, I could feel those lips and they made me quiver. Was it…Near? Did I hold Near that way, kiss him that way? Is that why he sat next to me all the time? My confused mind couldn't comprehend anything, so I just tried to get some rest. Every time I woke up, it seemed like more things fell into place, so I was eager to sleep. Who knew what I would be able to remember when I woke up next time?

~_~_~_~_~_

One moment I was ok, and the next I was screaming in terror. A nurse had come in to check on my head. This wasn't unusual, but this time, she was talking to herself as she did it. She said a name, a fucking name, and the next them I knew I was flailing around, trying to pull all that shit out of me so I could run, run far away.

"Get him some Clonazepam!" Near shouted. I felt his tiny body fling across mine, desperately trying to keep me from hurting myself. "Matt, stop it! He's gone, he's gone! He can't hurt you anymore, just snap out of it!"

'He killed L, Matt. L, fucking L! I can't let him get away for that!'

'But what can you do? L was supposed to be the fucking best! If he couldn't beat Kira, what makes you think you can?'

"He can't be gone!" I screeched, struggling against the frail body against me. "He's going to kill me, I have to go!" Throwing Near off of me, he fell to the floor and a cracking sound shocked me. Panting, I looked down at the small figure biting his lip so he wouldn't cry out. I could see the white curls, the unbelievably pale skin, and the white pajamas. Red rimmed eyes.

Several nurses surrounded me and held me down as the doctor put something into my IV bag. I wasn't struggling anymore, merely out of shock. I had hurt Near. One of the nurses rushed to his side and helped him up. Wincing he struggled to stand up. "Is-is he going to be ok?" he forced through clenched teeth.

The doctor gave me a worried glance before helping Near out of the room to talk more privately. I felt sick, absolutely disgusted with myself. Who was Kira and why did he scare me so much? Why the fuck couldn't I just figure this all out?!

~_~_~_~_~_

Sometimes, ignorance is the best thing. Blind hope, stupidity, whatever you want to call it, that is man's greatest gift. That's how mankind has survived so long. Don't tell them that they are doomed, and they'll continue to chug along like there's nothing wrong with the world.

Lying on my back, I wished that I was one of those ignorant people. But no, I was far from ignorant. I knew too much. Wammy's House, Near, Kira, everything had fallen into place. Everything was so clear, and I felt sick. There weren't voices in my head, there weren't hallucinations haunting me. But I could remember them.

It was like someone pressed pause on all the shit that usually floats around my head. I could think clearly, without the usual drug induced haze or the hangovers. That panic, it was gone. All that was left was a sense of self-loathing. Memories flitted behind my eyelids, like a movie. Disassociation, that's what my mind was doing. I was disassociating myself from the horrible things I did. And still, I watched. Still, there were a few pieces missing.

As soon as Near limped into my room, at exactly ten in the morning, my eyes slid open and I spoke up.

"Where's Mello?" Shit, just saying that name brought tears to my eyes. If Near didn't bother to tell me what his condition was already, that only meant one thing. It was bad news. On top of that, I could clearly see his weariness and I knew where he'd been going for the other twelve hours. Did he even sleep?

"You remember everything?" he questioned wearily before sitting on the chair next to me with a wince.

"Not really. I just…we didn't die. I remember that much, but afterwards is a mess. I can't seem to recall what happened."

Near continued to stare at the floor for a moment longer. "Well, I cannot give you details of what happened because I was not there. However, I can give you a brief idea. You were suffering from a severe case of post traumatic stress disorder. Branching off that, you developed borderline personality disorder."

"I…went crazy?"

The bastard answered without a moment's hesitation. "In the simplest of terms, yes. Mello was also suffering from his own mental anguish, but we…can't really be sure."

His halting tone made me was to cry. Was it really that bad? "W-what happened?"

"Right now, the doctors have you on some anti-depressants and a mood-stabilizer. It seems to be working some, but future therapy will have to include psychotherapy-"

"Nate, tell me what the hell happened!" I ordered. He was avoiding the question and that only made me worry more. I could see Near visibly collect himself.

"You murdered two men and then ran," Near replied coldly. "Since you were in no state of mind to drive, you ended up losing control of the vehicle and it fell into a river. You sustained a concussion from that as well as some other physical trauma."

"And Mello?" I whispered. I could almost see his face now, beaming brightly at me. He just wanted to play a game, that's all.

"He…well, it would be best for you to see for yourself. But you need to recover first."

"Bull shit," I hissed in anger. Forcing my unsteady body into a sitting position, I glared at him. "If it's that bad, then what the fuck are we waiting for? I want to see him now!"

Snowflakes were sticking to the window. Damn weather, couldn't it make up its mind? That day was raining, spring was coming. Now, it was all back to the bleakness of winter. Near looked down at his pale hands. White, white, everything about him was white! Everything but…his soul. That was black.

Deciding that he would rather not argue with me, Near called some nurses. After having a chat with them, they brought in a wheelchair for me. Although I was thinking pretty clearly, my head was still a mess and my balance was nearly shot; there would be no way I could walk anywhere. Once I was seated, one of the nurses pushed me along and the other nurse wheeled my IV bags alongside me. As we headed for the intensive care unit, I almost couldn't hold in the bile that threatened to spew out.

I hit him.

Up the elevator.

I raped him, over and over.

Down the hall.

I didn't protect the only person I loved. I hurt him.

I watched in my mind's eyes in disgust as I lost control and beat him, beat the only person I loved. But that wasn't enough. I violated him too. Not once, not twice; it was over and over just to sate my pathetic need to pull away from the world. Hindsight is 20/20 they say. Well, whoever "they" are were spot on. Looking back I could see Mello struggling every bit as I was, but he didn't lose control. Not once. I was the weak one.

Take a left and down another hallway. Finally, we paused in front of a room. Near shifted in pain and discomfort. He never did like walking, and his cracked tailbone only made it more difficult for him.

"Matt, I can't make this any easier for you." Swallowing thickly, I nodded.

Once the door opened, I felt like all the wind had been knocked out of me. There were machines everywhere, tubes, and needles. Mello was lying on the bed with so much stuff hooked up to him that I couldn't identify even half of them. He was so pale, so sickly. Then I saw his arm, oh gods, his arm. Where there should have been a right arm was nothing more than bandaged stump that ended several inches above his non-existent elbow.

"Oh, gods, no…"

"It seemed that he had amputated his own arm in order to escape the sinking vehicle, but because of infection, the doctors had to amputate it further up." Near's voice was so hollow, as if he was just reading numbers off a board.

Mello's other hand was completely covered in bandages and his left arm was full of needles pumping all kinds of shit into his body. Tubes were going down his nose and down his throat. Even more stuff was attached, but I couldn't stand to look at it anymore.

"He…is he?" I couldn't even finish my damn sentences.

"There was a massive amount of blood loss and because of how long it took to get a blood transfusion, several of his organs have died. These machines are all that's keeping his body alive."

"K-keeping his body alive?"

Near took a deep breath, but forged on. "He's almost brain dead. There's not much activity because of all the brain damage from lack of oxygen and blood. Still, he's alive, Matt. He hasn't given up."

"Is this w-where you've been going?"

"Yes," he admitted. "The doctors expected him to die last week, but…he's been waiting." For the first time in my life, I saw the humanity that Near had always worked so hard to keep buried. His hand came over his mouth and his face twisted in anguish. Agony swam in his eyes as the tears began to overflow. Turning on his heels, I watched as he collapsed outside the door, crying like the child he looked like.

I could no longer choke back my own emotions. Resting my head at the foot of his bed, I let the tears fall and the sobs echo in the room. What had I done to him? Beautiful Mello, lovely Mihael. This is what I turned him into. It was all my fault. If only I had been strong! I wouldn't have lost control; I wouldn't have crashed the van!


Rain drops fell across my face, like cold tears. Opening my eyes, I could see his pale face, those blue lips. Snow was all around us and I felt cold, but I couldn't do anything. Wet hair tickled my face as he leaned close, his lips barely touching my own. Warm blood was running over my side.

"Remember me."

It was a whisper, but I could feel it running through my body. A kiss, a slow deep kiss. It wasn't rushed or panicked. Mello knew what he was doing, what would happen. I didn't kiss back, I was too tired. I saw the bloody limb as he pulled away, the bright red liquid running down. He was in pain, but he still took a hold of my limp arm with his remaining and blood-stained hand and he dragged me up the hill.


"Please forgive me!" I sobbed as I clenched the sheets at the foot of his bed. I didn't deserve forgiveness. "Oh God, I'm so sorry, Mello!" No other pain could ever compare to this. "I couldn't save you, I should have tried harder! It's all my fault; fuck, it's all my fault…all my damn fault."

Silence. Only the machines whirring and beeping responded as I suffered. For the first time in sixteen years, I prayed to God. I prayed to every saint, to Mary, to Jesus, to God. I even begged the angels; please don't let him suffer like this. It wasn't fair. Mello had been nothing but my friend, my only love. He had protected me, had loved me unlike anyone else had. I ignored the pain he suffered from every day, and instead just took his love selfishly. Never did I offer to just hold him and comfort him.

"I c-can't even begin to apologize enough," I stuttered through the tears. "I didn't deserve you! I don't deserve you, I'm so sorry! Please, Mello, I'm so sorry…" Near's crying increased in volume and it only added to the misery I was feeling. "D-don't suffer like this," I begged, pulling myself to the side of his bed. The nurses had been gone for a while now.

Taking his bandaged hand, I pressed my lips to it. These hands that had run over my naked body, that had pleasured me. The hand that dragged me to salvation regardless of the self-sacrifice. The fingers flexed a little, and I couldn't help but groan in agony. He was trying so hard, but he shouldn't have to. His body was mostly dead and he was still trying hard for me. Through the tears I could see his forehead wrinkle a little in the effort of trying to make any kind of movement.

"Please, babe, don't try. Shhh, just rest, you need your rest."

His finger began to stroke my palm, just like when we were little kids. We used to try to read each other's minds, and it seemed to work if we could just hold hands. I knew him so well, had studied every inch of his body. That's how I knew that he was trying to tell me it wall all ok. Even now, after all the shit he went through, he was trying to protect me, to comfort me.

"You'll always be mine," I whispered between the hiccups as I kissed each delicate finger. "I love you, Mihael, I love you so much. I just…I'm so sorry."

I'm not sure how long I sat there, resting my head against his hand. My crying had simmered down to nothing more than running tears and long heavy sighs. Near had also stopped bawling so hysterically, but he remained outside the door. Soon though, a doctor walked in, ushering in the sickly boy. Looking at him tiredly, I could see that Near's face was swollen from all the crying and his eyes were still bloodshot.

"Gentlemen," the doctor said softly. "I've just got off the phone with some people at an organ bank. I thought that you would like to have this information."

If it wasn't for his long face, I would have been jumping for joy with hope. "What?" I croaked.

"They can't give Mr. Mello any organs even if they received one his type." A lump formed in my throat and I squeezed the thin hand tightly. "He's in critical condition, and even if he received new organs he could die. They can't waste any organs on that." Waste. Like Mello was worth less than any other human out there.

"So…" Near began, but he couldn't finish the thought.

"Since you are the closest people to being his relatives, you have to decide what to do."

"What are the chances of his recovering?" I whispered.

The doctor at least had the decency to pause before his reply. "Zero percent." With that, he walked out and left us to decide. Sniffling, I let my head fall back to the mattress beside his hand. There really wasn't a choice to be made. There was no physical way to overcome this and soon enough his brain would die. His last moments were going to be suffering in this fucking hospital; did we want to postpone it and make him suffer longer than necessary? What if he survived for years on sheer stubbornness? He would develop bed sores; they would have to amputate him more and more. Surgeries to keep him alive, the humiliation of nurses cleaning him up everyday. Was that life?

"He…doesn't deserve it," Near sighed, wiping at his eyes. Fresh tears were starting to fall again. Who would have guessed that Mello would have been such an important person in both of our lives? If I wasn't so emotionally tired and focused on Mello, I would have found his crying to be almost humorous. The one person that Mello had hated almost as much as Kira was here with him.

"Y-yeah," I replied as I clenched my eyes shut. "He still has his dignity f-for now. I w-won't take that away t-too."

"M-mihael?" Near called out softly as he scooted closer. "Can you…would you be ok with…with…" Dying. That word was much too heavy and neither of us could say it.

"I know you could keep going," I whispered as I tried to keep control over myself. "Hell, you c-could probably outlive us, even like this. But, that's not you. Please, can you do it for us?"

"We can't see you like this," Near added solemnly. There was no hatefulness, no gloating in his voice. Only pain. "I-it's your choice."

After a moment of pause, Mello's forehead smoothed. His finger stroked my palm, up and down. "He s-said yes," I answered for him, trying to be strong.

We didn't want any nurses or doctors in the room at such a moment. All three of us shared a bond that could not be understood by just anyone, and it would ruin the moment to have intruders. Near had been in the room long enough that he knew what everything was. Once we turned the machines off, we gently pulled the tubes from his throat and his nose.

Clenching his hand tightly, I watched him struggle to breathe for a moment. Near sat on the bed and gently took his hand too. Tears welled in my eyes as I watched his beautiful lips move to speak a breathless word.

"Forgiven…"

Me, the terrible beast had been forgiven. It only made my heart ache more.

There I was, left in silence with Near. We knew that even when he stopped breathing it wasn't the end. It would be a few more minutes before he would die.

"I'm sorry, Mihael," Near confessed as he watched the still body. "I never told you how much I looked up to you. I would have never done as well as I did without you chasing after me. No, I'm not just saying this, I really do mean it." A few more tears slipped down his face. "It would have been impossible for me to beat Kira if you hadn't done what you did. T-thank you."

Mihael's last moments. I didn't want them to be full of audible misery. He was still struggling. I needed to see this with my own eyes. I needed to see my lover pass away. The tears could come later.

"I love you," I whispered. "Don't ever forget that. I love you more than anything else and I will love you forever and ever." There was nothing else that I could say to him. His hand just clenched ours tighter.

"Remember me."

"Find me."